Free the Juice - Dr. Song Archives, '98
The Dr. Song Archives - '98
Q. Do you know where I could meet a mulatto? Let me know, if you know of any.
-Danny, finnegan_dan@hotmail.com, 11.30.98
A. Try the navy.
Q. So, whats your favorite marshmallow in Lucky Charms?
-Lauren, lfn6b@virginia.edu, 11.19.98
A. Dr. Song doesn't play favorites -- he likes to save all his marshmallows till the end. Then, he smushes them all together with his spoon, until all that's there is a multi-colored glob. Dr. Song thinks of this multi-colored glob as the ideal America. All we need is a big ole spoon to mash us all together.
Q. TELL US WHY YOU'RE A CRACKER JACKASS.
-Minh, s2mkle@vcu.edu, 11.8.98
A. Well, that's not technically a question, but I'll answer it anyway. First, I'm a cracker because I come from a long line of crackers, so that was pretty much inevitable. Second, I'm a jackass because I'm in the majority, so I can do pretty much whatever I want.
Q. How come asians always wear goofy sweaters like Bill Cosby used to?
-Clint, gte508j@prism.gatech.edu, 11.8.98
A. Because most asians are, well, lumpy. The best way to disguise their deformity is to wear large, loose-fitting sweaters.
Q. Do you think Asians will ever take over the world because they are smarter than other races, even though they can't play basketball?
-Lauren, lfn6b@virginia.edu, 10.16.98
A. Yes. Eventually, all white, black and injun folk will be used solely for slave labor, performing all menial tasks so that the asians can devote themselves to thinking and stuff. So, make fun of their slanty eyes while you can, because soon they'll be buying and selling you with their "yen."
Q. In regard to the question submitted by the 23 yr old asian "aag3k", how does TANG the drink mix fit into the WU picture? I'm a big fan of tang, but I'm just not sure about wu yet. Can you help?
-Lauren, lfn6b@virginia.edu, 9.30.98
A. Dr. Song likes Tang as much as he likes Wu. And I can tell by your name, Lauren, that Dr. Song would like you too. If you'd like to come over and share some "Tang," give me a call at (540) 568-2659.
Q. Hey, it's me again. I have an Asian friend who has a problem. He only speaks, reads and writes Asian, so I will explain for him. He is new to America and likes the concept of actually wearing shoes. However, when he goes to buy shoes, he has difficulty. On many pairs of shoes, there are 4 sizes listed -- American, British, French and Asian. But the size numbers are all in American! How is an Asian supposed to buy shoes and adapt to our culture?
-Aaron, amb8t@virginia.edu, 9.29.98
A. You are a moron. Those numbers are arabic, fool. Hence, asians made them up. Please don't write again.
Q. Do asians put out a lot? I've heard that they do because there's so many of them. Thanks. I'm a mulatto and can't get any.
-Ya, chin@rice.com, 8.31.98
A. Yes. However, it's hardly worth it.
Q. I am a 23-year-old, single asian, even though some of my friends aren't. I am a first time writer, but I read your page at least once every day. Anyhow, I was in Sam Goody the other day and, after looking at the Billboard top 100 singles chart, which I always do whenever I am in Sam Goody, I started thumbing through the Rap albums in the tape section (I'm probably the only asian in the world without a CD player, but hey, at least I'm not white!). I came across a tape by the group "Wu Tang Clan," and I thought, "Wow, great, it's about time some asian group made a breakthrough into rap." On the front of it, there were a bunch of black guys, and I thought, "Cool, an asian rap group that is racially harmonious, too." So I bought it. I ran to the parking lot, got on my moped, sped home and ran inside. After I took off my shoes and started to boil some rice, I opened the tape and put it in my stereo. I listened to the music as I read the inside of the cover, and it quickly dawned on me that the whole group was black. I was shocked and furious. How many black people do you know named "Wu" or "Tang?" Over half the people I'm related to fall under that description. And haven't c(k)lans in America historically been unfavorable towards blacks? My whole society has been clan-based for as long as anyone can remember. What I am really asking is, are all blacks really that stupid? I hope not, because I was very pro-black before this whole incident, which has left a sour taste in my mouth towards the "african-american" community. Please help, and thanks for your time.
-Amy, aag3k@virginia.edu, 8.31.98
A. Whoa now, simmer down and take a deep breath. Dr. Song happens to be a big fan of Wu Tang Clan. Maybe when asians develop any musical talent at all, then they'll be able to start their own rap groups. Until then, black power.
Q. I am a freakin' cracker and have been for over 18 years now. How do I change? I was thinking maybe asian, but there are already like 23 billion of them. After seeing your site, I decided to become a mulatto. Can you recommend any good race-change clinics? This is very important to me.
-Aaron, amb8t@virginia.edu, 8.30.98
A. That's one of my most commonly asked questions -- how can I stop being white? Well, there is no easy answer. The only thing I can tell you is to have sex with women from a lot of different races. Eventually, their color should rub off on you. And if it doesn't, at least you scored.
Q. It's me again. I took your advice, and now that I'm back in Oyosakirutashi, South Korea, my life has only gotten worse. Now that all I see are these asians, I don't want to score. Plus, we have to eat our own feces, what with the hunger strike and all. I want to die.
-Minh, s2mkle@vcu.edu, 8.30.98
A. Well, it's not like asians are an endangered species, so if you feel the need to take your life, then perhaps you should.
Q. I never score. I think it's because I'm just a stupid asian and I only speak asian so when I want to tell a girl I want to score with her, all she hears is something like wehufia uguiahgaugqwygrvf baaeturqi wutopapuwetr opeua hpqsyw eyruwq kudieg. How can you help?
-Minh, s2mkle@vcu.edu, 8.30.98
A. I wish it were that simple. If you're asian, you probably don't look very good, and that's why girls don't like you. So what you say has nothing to do with it. You would probably fare better if you moved back to asia.
Q. I think I might be a mulatto. A lot of my friends are asians, and I see black people a lot. But my question is, why are there so many whites? It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a white person oppressing me or my diverse friends. I hate white people. And you.
-Alison, ahurdle@roanoke.edu, 8.29.98
A. Good question, but first things first. If you think you might be a mulatto, then you need to get to a doctor. Now, the question was: why are there so many white people? The answer is that white people like to get it on more than other ethnic groups. It's okay to hate them. They probably hate you, too.
Q. My college roommate is a lying, filthy Asian. What should I do?
-Adam, aharkins@vt.edu, 8.29.98
A. In a situation like this, all you can do is to use as many racial epithets as possible.
Peace.
