I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Well, my brother says "Hello." So, hooray for speech therapy.
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye ... and dragged it fifteen feet.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
My girlfriend said, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
I was in San Francisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?" He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses head or Flicka or chess piece or Trigger..." I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad." He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!" I said, "For palomino?" He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?" I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance." He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny." He said, "How do you know there's a God?" I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?" He said, "I do believe in God." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! What franchise?" He says, "Baptist." I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He says, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?" He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist." I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?" He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region." I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal, and I get to his office and I sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "How would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "Well, I don't know if I could do it exactly, uh, but I'll try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya weirdo!" He said, "Emo, you have to go over to the school psychologist." I said, "Why do I have to go to the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. And I go over to the psychologist, and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Oh, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something, so don't be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you." I said, "Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he gets kind of depressed. I said, "Okay, it's a butterfly." And he cheers up. He said, "What does this inkblot look like?" I said, "It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, um, the inkblot's over there. That's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh," I said, "was I far off?" He said, "No. That's the sad part." And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny. And this shows how tricky those guys are. I eat the chocolate and I think, wait a second... this isn't around Easter. "Was this a test?" He said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Well, had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal; had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies; and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." I said, "Well, go on. What does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream, 'Stop staring at me!'?'" He says, "It shows you've a tendency towards self-destruction." I said, "What do you recommend?" He says, "Go for it!"
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"
