I meet my first husband, Chuck, shortly after I graduated H.S. in north carolina. He was the brother of the guy who owned the business (if you can call it that) that I went to work at. The business was patching and repairing tobacco sheets. It was dirty work and tiresome work. I would come home at the end of the day with arms that felt like they were falling off and covered in dirt. My face looked like I was mining coal for it was so filthy. I found that even breathing was a challenge for all the dirt I inhaled during the day. My job was to sew patches on holes in large burlap sheets that were used for carrying raw tobacco leaves.

Chuck was the assistant manager of the business...but the business was only five people...and of the five were Chuck and his older brother, Charles...so it didn't amount to much. I worked for min.wage and that was sucked dry by my father for the rent he charged...gas and milage on the car I borrowed from him...food...etc..etc.. In other words my father sucked dry every cent he could from me.

I was so desperate to get out of my father's house with no money left over from my paycheck to do so. In time Chuck was looking like a way out. My opinion of myself was at an all time low those days... my future bleak...and my life depressing. So I started coming on to Chuck.

After a few weeks of hinting that I was open to the idea of dating..he asked me out. I had not had a date since I left kansas....so I was excited with the idea. My first date boiled down to going back to the place of work.. Chuck had a small projector set up and started to play porno movies. I was stunned and in shock. I could not believe it. I don't know what happened that night other then I was minulapted into having sex on a heap of dirty burlap tobacco sheets..then driven home.

You would think that this would be the end of my seeing Chuck..but as I said my self-opinion was at an all time low...and getting away from home was my only thoughts at the time.

We started seeing each other and within a year we were living together. It was not a happy union on reflection...but at the time better then being at home with my father.

My father was retiring from the military and my parents decided to move back to kansas. I was asked again if I was going along with them. I declined again as I did a few years before. I had myself believing that I could make a go of the relationship I had with Chuck. What a fool I was!

The business Chuck and his brother had went belly up and I went on to get a job as a security guard with Pinkerton's. Chuck also got a job there. I saw right off at this new job that the male ruled. They were given the plum jobs and the permotions...where as the women stagnated.

I was very insecured about just shacking up with Chuck and started to push for a marriage. He agreeded and we went to Dillion S.C. to marry. We went to that location for you didn't need blood tests and CHuck had a terrible fear of needles. We get there and Chuck decides that he didn't want a marriage. He said he had a nervous break-down....but all I saw was sign of emotions out of control. He slammed his fist into a file cabinate back at work and broke his hand.

Pinkerton's also started to put preasure on us to get married. They were against the idea of us living together. You must remember this was in the south in the early 70's. Our landlord also was preasuring us telling us he wanted us to move out or make it legal. Pinkerton's finally told us that one of us had to quit because we were not married. I was forced to quit my job...and become more subservient to Chuck. You see...over the course of the year Pinkerton'e had permoted Chuck for no real reason...where as I just stayed the same job wise. We did the same work...but again...it was a male's world.

I found that Chuck was gaining more and more control of me...and he seemed to like the idea. I had no where to turn..for I doubt my family would help me...and I was becoming more and more fearful of being homeless again.

One day I received a call at home from Chuck...and he just said "well..do you want-na?". He was asking me to marry him. I knew it was wrong...I knew I did not love him though I tried to pretend to myself that I did...yet what else was I to do? So we again went down to Dillion S.C. and got married. My parents wanted proof of the marriage before they would send a gift, because of the first attempt at marriage went bust. We only got a check for $200 from my parents.

Chucks family hated the idea....for in their opinion I was not good enough for their son..I was not southern born...not a college grad...and not from a wealthy family. Of course they didn't consider the fact that my new husband only had the qualifacation of being southern born is all.

Shortly after we were married Chuck took me to a friends of his house for dinner. They proceeded to get me drunk and they both decided to have sex with me on the livingroom couch. I felt so degraded with the experience. I remember some of it and knew that I was controled that night.

I became pregnant that night...yet it was not till my son was about 17 did I finally find out that he was not the product of Chuck but of that one night.

Chuck was very angry with me when he found out I was pregnant. He never wanted children..guess he should of thought of that. His family thought I so-called trapped their son by thinking I was p.g. before we got married and that he "had" to marry me.

I was scared of the thought of bringing a child into a loveless marriage but was determined to make the best of the situation.

I had no friends there in N.C. Was away from family and home and facing what turned out to be a physically hard pregency with a husband that yelled at me and called me demeaning names. No one knew what I was going through in that year. The last couple of months with my pregency I was ordered to be in bed for my blood preasure was skyrocking. Yet Chuck still wanted his clothes washed..his dinner on the table and things to run smoothly as usual...for after all...he was the "man of the house" and that is how things should be.

When my son was born it was the happiest time of my life. He was so precious..but most of all he was mine to love fully and in time I hope he would love me. Imagine...someone who would love me for who I was!

It was very hard in the beginning after my son was born. Chuck told me in the hospital the day after William was born that he quit his job. For a month I battled with creditors in keeping the elec. and water turned on...the phone working etc. William feeling my stress it seems would cry all the time. He would only sleep for a bare hour then be crying again. I was getting no sleep.

Chuck got a night time job as a security guard at a hotel. When he would come home from work in the morning he would expect his meal and went to sleep. I was up all night with a crying baby and found that I was up all day also with no relief. This went on for several years.There were times when I would just sit in the corner of a room and just cry. I was so sleep deprived...so lonely and so depressed.

Sex became an issue with Chuck. He was not content to having normal sex that a married couple enoys. He wanted perverted sex. He would take nude pictures of me and later I found out that he sent them into a mag. for swingers. We started to get invations to swing with other couples. I would have nothing to do with the idea. I would also not tolerate orgies he wanted..and threesomes he wanted. He wanted then to just sodomize me. I tried to please him with that but the pain was too much...and the childhood rape memories fashed before me.

I could no longer give into his demands in the sex dept. So our sex life went down to nothing but maybe once or twice a year...and then at my efforts for I wanted another child so badly I tried to plan the exact timing for that. It was never to happen. In many ways it was for the best.

The verbal abuse increased and I with-drew even more. With the death of my dear grandmother...I was left with two thousand dollars. I talked Chuck into using that to move us to kansas. He wanted to move next to his father in TN. He did give in...because I think that even though he said he loved his father...he never could get along with him. His father treated him like the black sheep of the family.

We moved to KS. I was glad to be back home again. Though I still had no friends...my family was near...such as it was. There was some-waht of a thought of security in that knowledge.

My marriage was nothing more but verbal abuse...put-downs and loneliness. I withdrew more and more on the inside..but on the outside I pretended like nothing was wrong. For I figured no one would understand and if they did that they wouldn't help.

My only joy was my son. I lived my life in those years through his eyes. I laughed with his joys...and cried with his tears. I was very protective of him and did the best I could to not have Chuck take out his anger fits on him..but directed them to myself when ever I could. I also found that I became a hermit. I started to gain a lot of weight and shied from the public in every form. Just going to the grocery store was a challenge I was finding.

cont.....