God finds Nicks
faith is unparalleled and grants him one wish.
"Build me a bridge to Hawaii,"
he says " So i can drive there anytime I want." The Lord says, "I can grant you
wish my son, but it would be a great undertaking. Think of all the raw material
that would take, If this is what you wish than I will do it, but you should take
a few days to think of something that's more reasonable."
Nick thinks and
says, "I wish I could understand women."
God then says, "You want two lanes
or four?"
Vinny buys a parrot, when he brings it home he finds out that it has a
terrible swearing habit. He tries everything to curb the birds behavior, soft
music, talking nice, treats, nothing worked. Finally he gets feed up and throws
it in the freezer. A few minutes go by and he swings the door open. The parrot
then says, "Sir it appears that I may have offended you with my behavior, I will
change my ways I assure you. Pleasantly surprised Vinny agrees and was about to
ask what changed his tune when the parrot said, " May I ask what the chicken
did?"
A women was having an affair on her husband with the local exterminator. One
day her husband came home early. The bug man quickly hid in the closet but
forgot his clothes. When the husband saw the clothes lying on the floor, so he
searched around and found the man standing naked in his closet.
"Who the
hell are you?" The husband asked.
"I'm Sal from Bug-be-Gone, I'm here
because you have a problem with moths." Sal replied.
"So, what happened to
your clothes?"
Sal looks down and says, "those little bastards!"
A coroner is examining a man that has been burned very badly. Hoping that he
can find the identity of the man he called in two of his friends to examine the
body. First man comes in and says, "I can't tell if that's Karl or not. Flip him
over." So the corner did and the man then replied.
"Nope that's not Karl,"
and went on his way. The second man comes in and asks for the body to be flipped
over as well.
"That's not Karl." he says. The coroner confused asked the man
how he can tell that it wasn't Karl.
"Simple, Karl had two assholes." the
friend said.
"What?" the coroner replied. "That's not possible, no one can
have two assholes."
The man then said, "It's true, every time the three of
us would go out people would always say, Look here comes Karl with those two
assholes."
Q: What's the different between a Circus and The Rockettes?
A: Ones a
Cunning array of Stunts...
A Guy walks into a bar tells the bartender, "Hey want to hear a good Polish
joke." Bartender says, "Hey buddy, I'm Polish and see those two bouncers over
there, they are polish too. So you sure you want to tell that Joke?"
"No,"
the man says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times"
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
A:
Placement of the dirt bag.
Ricky isn't felling so well so he goes to the doctor. After an extreme
examinations the doctor gets the results back.
"Mr. Cabinough, the doc says,
"im afraid you have a disease in witch there is no cure for, and you don't have
much more time to live."
"What do you mean Doc," Ricky exclaims, " How long
do i have?"
"Ten..."
"Ten? Ten what Doc? Years, Month, Weeks?"
"Nine..."
John takes his date to a carnival, they ride the ferris wheel and the bumper
cars. Looking for things to do John asks his date what she would like to do
next.
"Get weighed." She says. So they go to the man that guesses weight he
guesses and gives her a prize. So John asks again what she wants to do
next.
"Get weighed." She says again. So he reluctantly goes through the whole
process again. As the date goes on he realizes that it is going no where so he
brings he home. She storms out of the car and runs in the house where her mother
asks her how her date went.
"Wousy"
Tony brings his octopus to a bar, and makes a bet with the bartender. "I bet
$50 my octopus can play any instrument you have."
"Your on," the bartender
says, "here's a trumpet, go ahead." The Octopus takes it and plays 'when the
saints go marching in' perfectly. Stunned the bartender makes another bet for
$100 dollars. This time the Bartender hands him bagpipes. The Octopus looks at
the bagpipes for a minute, then Tony asks, "are you gonna play it?"
"Play
it?" the octopus says, "if I can it's kilt off im gonna fuck it."
A blonde a red
head and a brunette go to a bar. The Bartender tells them there is a magic
mirror in the women's room, and if they go in and say something true into the
mirror they will get a big reward. But if they say something untrue then they
will be sucked in and never heard from again.
The red head goes in and
says:
"I think i'm the prettiest girl in this bar."
Poof she gets
a million dollars. The Brunette goes in and says:
"I think I am the smartest
girl in this bar."
Poof she gets a diamond ring. The blond goes in
and says:
"I think........" and she is never heard from again.
Q: What has 70 balls and fucks old ladies?
A: Bingo
Judy was a faithful Catholic. While married to her first husband she brings
8 children into the world. Tragically one day her husband dies.
Two years
later she remarries and has 10 more children with her second husband. Till one
day he too dies. Now old and worn out Judy decides to not remarry. A few years
later she passes.
The mortician looks at Judy and says, “Finally their
together.”
His assistant asks, “do you mean her first husband or her
second?”
The Doctor says, “no, her legs.”
Q: How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A: Stick your fingers in his
honey
A burglar breaks into a house one night. He looks around and finds a safe on
the wall. All of a sudden he hears from behind him, “Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar turns around and shines his light to see a parrot in the corner.
He asked the parrot, “did you say that?”
“Yes,” swacked the parrot, “My
name is Mosses.”
Amused by the parrot he asks, “who would name their parrot
Mosses?”
“The same kind of people than name their Rottwiller Jesus.”
Q: What do a Gynecologist and a Pizza deliveryman have in common?
A:
They both can smell the pie, but are not allowed to eat it.
A man was driving home drunk when a cop pulls him over.
“Sir,” the cop
says, “have you been drinking?”
“No sir why do you ask?” The drunk slurs.
“Well about a block back your wife fell out of the car and you kept going.”
“Oh thank god, I thought that I was going deaf.”
Q: Why don’t southern women like orgies?
A: To many thank you cards.
A man walks into a store and asks the clerk for some polish sausage. The
clerk asks him
“Are you Polish?”
“Yes I am,” the man angrily replies,
“why just cause I asked for Polish sausage? What If asked for Italian
sausage, huh? Would that make me Italian? What if was French?”
“That’s
not why I asked sir.”
“Then why did you ask me that?”
“Because, this is a
Hardware store.”
Q: What do you call a smart blonde.
A: A Golden Retriever
A nurse at a mental institution walks into a room and sees a patient making
noises like he was driving.
“Chuck,” she asks, “what are you doing?”
“I’m going to Denver,” Chuck says. “Ok, then have a safe trip.” The nurse
then goes to the next room where a man was laying on his bed cracking one off.
“Bill,” she says “what are you doing?”
“I’m screwing Chuck’s wife while he’s
off to Denver.”
Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: Throw it in the fire.
Gino s nephew, Guido was moving to America. He came to The Don to see if
there was any work for Guido. Godfather you must understand my sister kid, he is
deaf dumb and mute, but he is a good boy. Gino says. I have the perfect job, I
ll do this favor for you Gino. The Don replies. Gino thanks him and brings his
nephew to work. A few months later The Don calls Gino into his office. Gino, The
Don yells, that sonofabitch nephew of yours is stealing skimming from me. Now I
want my money and I want it now, I did this favor for you now fix this Gino!
Gino quickly finds his nephew and uses sign language to tell him that The
Don's angry and should come downtown immediately. The two sit down in his office
and The Don says Tell this lil mothafuka that I want my money NOW! So Gino
singed to Guido what The Don just said. Guido sings back to his uncle. "Well
Don," Guido says "he insists he doesn't know what your talking about." The Don
pulls out a .357 magnum and points it strait at the kids head.
"Listen you
little bastard if you don t give me my money I ll blow your frickin head off!"
Guido started signing to Gino, fingers flying all over the place. The boy signed
to his uncle, I hid five-hundred thousand under the floor board in your
basement. The Don of course can't understand what is going on. Finally Gino
turned to The Don and says: Godfather, He says you don t have the Balls to pull
the trigger.
Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized.
She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the
officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and
shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind
cop?”
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds
later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since
you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the
person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I
want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40
million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an
incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment,
two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but
one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve
always wanted to donate a kidney."
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this
traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."
Noticing a police
officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window
and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"
"It’s O.J. Simpson," says
the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and
threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he
doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up
a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you
got so far?"
"So far…ten gallons."
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them
flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast
until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks
a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my
cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any
eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also
saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.
The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”
The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their
marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to
make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his
wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The
man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them
to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard
of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs,
“Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or
mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter… just get the hell out!”
