BoB Goes to Canada

The unforgettable tale of establishing foreign policy and reaching out to other cultures.

"Hey, BoB!" said Suzie as the bus inched its way down the interstate, "What is Canada like?"

"Canada?" said BoB, surprised at the sudden question, "I reckon I don’t rightly know. I ain’t never been to Canada, in fact, I didn’t even know that Canada existed until they asked me to drive for this field trip."

"Oh," Suzie said, disappointed.

"BoB," said Sue, Suzie’s sister, "who is the Prime Minister of Canada?"

"I don’t know. I don’t think anybody knows!" said BoB. "Do any of y’all back there know who the ‘Prime Minister’ of Canada is?"

Nobody responded.

"BoB," said Susie, the third triplet including Sue and Suzie, "what’s the weather going to be like in Canada?"

"Well, I don’t know," admitted BoB, "let’s turn on Ken Bostic and find out!"

The kids moaned and slumped back in their seats.

The bus televisions turned on and, sure enough, Ken Bostic was reporting the weather for Canada: "This week there will be a huge heat-wave in lower Canada, expect the temperatures to reach 90, 100, or even 110 degrees. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people will probably be hospitalized from heat exhaustion."

"Wow!" said Donny, "Sounds like a serious problem!"

"If you’re traveling to Canada," Ken continued, "especially on one of my affordable tours (only $99.95 for three days), you can do something about the scorching heat! Buy one of my ‘Official Ken Bostic Licensed Super-Duper Durable Canadian Helmet Fans’ for only $19.95! (Plus $65.00 Canadian tax and 195% Ken Bostic tax.) These amazing, stylish helmets can be yours! A battery-operated fan in the top will keep you cool all day long! Impress your friends!"

The kids started yelling and throwing things at the screens. Ken Bostic put on one of the ugly helmets to show how "cool" they were. The kids booed.

Suddenly the motor in the helmet-fan started smoking and sparking. Ken didn’t notice until his hair caught on fire.

"AAAHHHH!" screamed Ken, as he pulled off his wig and stomped on it.

"I didn’t know he wore a wig!" commented Phil.

Ken ran off the screen just as the helmet exploded and caught the weather center on fire. The cameras went out and the screen was full of static.

The kids cheered.

The bus finally arrived at a Burger King in the state of New York.

"This is our last stop before we hit Canada!" said BoB as the kids piled out of the bus. "Make sure you smoke some cigarettes – uh, I mean, make sure you use the bathroom so the toilet on the bus doesn’t get clogged."

The very second BoB got off the bus he had five cigarettes lit and had finished them by the time he walked into the restaurant.

There were also two other classes on two other buses. The kids in BoB’s bus were once again the only kids in the smoking section.

A little while later, Phil said, "BoB, we’re done eating, so can we go back to the bus?"

"Sure," said BoB as he scarfed down his fourth Whopper, "I think I left it unlocked."

The kids got on the bus and started to fall asleep after the long drive. They were suddenly awakened by the sound of sirens on fire engines. The interior of the restaurant was filled with smoke and everyone watched outside as the firemen started to get the fire hoses ready.

"It must be a fire!" said Maria.

"It must be!" said BoB, as he got on the bus and threw six empty cigarette cartons in the trash.

The bus was finally nearing the Canadian border.

"Look," said Billy, "there’s the exit for Niagara Falls. I thought we were going there, BoB!"

"I think we’re going there on the way back," said BoB.

They drove over the bridge that crossed the river and soon came to the Canadian Customs checkpoint.

BoB pulled up and the Customs officer started asking BoB some questions.

"Where are you from, eh?"

"Buncombe," replied BoB.

"Where?!"

"Oh, I mean, um, North Carolina."

"Where are you going, eh?"

"To Toronto, to see some museums and stuff."

"How many kids you got with you, eh?"

"Um, I’m not exactly sure, 20 or 30 or so…"

"You don’t know how many kids you have?! All right, I’m going to have to see two forms of ID from each child and their birth certificates. We have to make sure you aren’t trying to smuggle kids across the border!"

"Who on earth would smuggle kids to Canada?!!!" exclaimed BoB.

The kids pulled out their identification and birth certificates (which they were required to bring) and the officer thoroughly looked over all of them.

"Well," said the officer, "I guess you’re all right. Be careful though, we just got a news bulletin that some crazy guy named Gary sneaked across the border."

The kids cringed in terror, but BoB still hadn’t caught on to the fact that Gary had tried to kill the kids at Washington DC.

"Okay, whatever," said BoB.

As BoB was driving along the Canadian highway, he commented, "Hey, I thought it was supposed to be hot up here. I turned up the heat twice already and I’m still freezing!"

"And Ken Bostic calls himself a weatherman!" said Carl.

"Hey look!" screamed BoB. "The speed limit on this road is 100 MPH!"

"Um, BoB," said Johnny, "I think that’s in Metric."

But it was too late; BoB had soon accelerated to 100 MPH.

"Get out the way, slow-pokes!" yelled BoB as he weaved through traffic. "You’re all a bunch of Sunday drivers!"

"Since when did BoB drive the speed limit anyway?" questioned Brad.

"Maybe he had too much nicotine," suggested Joe.

BoB’s joyride didn’t last for long, however. A highway cop soon pulled BoB over to the side of the highway.

The cop got out of his car and walked up to the side of bus. BoB opened his window.

"Sir, did you know you were going 160 kilometers per hour?" asked the cop.

"Kilometers? All I know is that I was going 100 miles an hour!"

"Oh, an American, eh?" The cop was apparently used to that sort of thing. He soon showed BoB how to figure out his speed in the metric system and let him off with a warning.

"It’s not my fault that they can’t count up here!" defended BoB as they continued on their journey.

BoB continued on the highway towards the city of Toronto, but started to fall asleep at the wheel. The kids were even sleepier and didn’t notice as BoB started swerving all over the road.

BoB was almost totally asleep when he was awakened by the sound of a police siren behind him. BoB pulled the bus to the side of the road.

"You again, eh?" said the familiar cop as BoB opened his window.

"Um, sorry officer," BoB said drowsily.

"I’m afraid I’m going to have to escort you back to the border, you’re just too unsafe to drive on Canadian roads."

"But officer! These kids are going to miss out on their field trip!"

"I’m sorry, but I’ve already given you one warning too many."

"Well, can we at least go to Niagara Falls? It’s right next to the border."

"Well," the cop said as he scratched his chin, "I guess so. But I’m still going to follow you until you get there."

"Um, can we stop at the store first?"

BoB drove carefully as the cop followed the bus. BoB opened his third pack of nicotine gum so he wouldn’t fall asleep again.

"Good thing we stopped at the store, BoB!" said Joe, "None of that annoying smoke, either!"

"Yep! Hey, Ralph," said BoB, as he drooled from the huge wad of gum in his mouth, "how about giving me a few more of those nicotine patches."

Ralph came over and put the fourteenth patch on BoB’s left arm, in addition to the dozen patches already on his right arm.

"There ain’t no way I’m gonna fall asleep now!"

The bus eventually arrived at the American side of Niagara Falls and the cop finally left.

"Well, what should we do now?" asked BoB.

"LOOK!" screamed Brad, "It’s Ken Bostic’s wife!"

Ken’s wife was once again selling cheap crafts at a little stand.

"Now don’t get any ideas!" warned BoB.

It was too late, however. The kids stormed off the bus and ran over to the stand.

"NOT YOU KIDS AGAIN!" yelled Ken’s wife as she ran from the stand.

The kids lifted up the plywood stand and carried it over to the railing next to the river. With a heave they threw it into the water. They watched as the stand floated down the river with the crafts starting to spill out all over. Within moments the stand went over the waterfall and was crushed on the rocks at the bottom.

The kids cheered.

BoB couldn’t catch up with the kids as they performed their mischievous work and stopped to smoke a cigarette. Once the little booth had been smashed BoB approached the kids.

"Don’t you kids be running off like that again, or I’ll drive right back home!" he threatened.

"Yeah, right," said Carl as he rolled his eyes.

The kids and BoB wandered around aimlessly for a while.

"The falls are pretty cool," said Derek, "but this getting kind of boring."

"I agree," said BoB.

Suddenly the kids arrived upon some kind of convention in the park, which happened to overlook the river at the bottom of the falls.

"Look at the sign!" exclaimed Maria, "It’s a Ken Bostic baking soda convention!"

The kids joined the crowd gathered around the stage that was set up. Sure enough, Ken Bostic was there trying to sell baking soda and his Canadian helmet fans, even though it was only 45 degrees outside.

Daniel, Clyde, and Peter got an idea. They sneaked around to the back of the outdoor stage and found Ken’s stockpile of baking soda. Within seconds they started throwing dozens of boxes of baking soda down into the water.

Ken Bostic thought he heard something and looked behind the stage. The crowd gasped when they saw all the baking soda being wasted.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ken as ran over to save his baking soda. He accidentally tripped and knocked the rest of the stack over the edge.

"YOU DARN KIDS! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!"

The crowd got mad and picked up the hundreds of helmet fans and started throwing them into the water, too.

"STOP! NOOOOO!"

The kids looked down into the water as it foamed from the acidic pollution and baking soda, and at the hundreds of multicolored helmets floating along.

The kids cheered.

The kids started walking back to bus.

"Well, it was fun," said Jim.

"Yeah, I guess it’s always fun to torment Ken Bostic," said BoB.

BoB and the kids were stunned when they arrived at the bus and found that the motor was running and that Gary, the big bus driver, was sucking on the exhaust pipe of the bus.

Gary looked up when the kids approached.

"Ready for our little nature hike, heh heh?" Gary asked.

Gary suddenly pulled out a long knife and ran towards the kids.

"Stop him, BoB!" they screamed.

BoB felt a huge surge of adrenaline (and nicotine) as he ran forward and tackled Gary. BoB and Gary wrestled on the pavement as they both tried to gain control of the knife.

"Who ever said that wrasslin’s fake?" asked Phil.

Gary and BoB rolled over to the edge of the river. They managed to stand up as they continued to fight for the knife.

"YOU CAN’T KILL ME!" screamed Gary, "I’M IMMORTAL! I CAN LIVE OFF BUS EXHAUST FOREVER! I’M THE BIG BUS DRIVER!"

"NOT MY BUS!" yelled BoB as he gave Gary a final punch and sent him over the railing.

Gary fell in the water and floundered in the current as he tried to get back to shore. He couldn’t make it back in time and went over the edge of the waterfall.

The kids cheered.

"Just call me BoB, the even bigger bus driver!"

The End