An original work of fiction.

The amazingly powerful tale of patriotism and the American Way: BoB goes to Washington, DC

The kids were all sitting in their classroom, waiting for the 11 o'clock bell so they could load the bus. The field trip had been planned for over a year and was the biggest one of all; the kids were going to Washington, D.C.

"Flark!" said Ralph, "Why don't we just leave early in the morning instead of going to school for half a day; everybody's too excited to listen anyway!"

The kids all murmured their agreements when the literature teacher silenced them. Nobody was paying any attention to the boring grammar lesson. The kids just wanted to get on that bus and ride to the Capitol. Of course, good ol' BoB was their bus driver again. The kids now refused to ride with anyone but BoB.

As the teacher reached the exciting climax of her grammar lesson, the clock came closer, closer, to that fateful hour. The kids were poised at the edge of their seats. And of course the teacher thought they were all excited about the lesson at hand; she thought she was the best teacher on Earth that day. But then, "RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG! "

The kids let out a triumphant cheer and ran out of the classroom.

"WE'RE FINALLY GOING!" they yelled, "LET'S HIT THE ROAD!"

The kids had already put their stuff on the bus before school started, and the engine was running, everything looked ready to roll. BoB wasn't on the bus yet; he had to make sure he got enough nicotine in his system before such a long drive. And, of course, BosticTours Inc. provided the tour buses, and this time BoB had remembered to put some baking soda on the bus. The kids were all ready to go. They were on the last bus in the line of buses; the other three classes went in the other buses. They saw BoB coming out of the woods towards the bus. The kids cheered. BoB walked to the bus, but then he kept on going! "WHERE'S BoB GOING?! " they yelled. He boarded one of the other buses. "NNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Just then a fat wart-faced lady got on the bus. She was one of the lunch ladies. "Where's BoB?!" the kids inquired.

"He had to drive the other bus, now sit down and shutup!" yelled the lady.

The kids were absolutely devastated. They drove for four hours in silence, only listening to the Ken Bostic weather forecast that they were forced to watch while on the tour. "Hold on, kids," said the bus driver, "We're coming up on our first rest stop."

The buses were emptied and the kids piled into the rest area, spending their money on vending machines and waiting in line to use the dirty bathrooms. The bus driver had to use the bathroom and got off; just then the kids got an idea.

The kids ran over to the bus that BoB was driving and got in. They took their luggage with them, and in minutes had moved the other class’s luggage to the other bus. Victory was theirs! Soon, the buses were loaded and the kids told the other class the buses had switched places. BoB got on and saw his favorite whippersnappers.

"SURPRISE!" they yelled.

BoB was so excited that he had to postpone the buses leaving so he could smoke another cigarette.

After the buses pulled out, the kids explained how they had switched places with the other kids. "I sure am glad to have you back," admitted BoB, "those other varmits were givin' me a lot of trouble."

The bus ride would last into the night, and they would arrive in DC in the morning. BoB explained some more to them. "The reason BosticTours sponsored this trip is because the Ken Bostic Memorial in Washington is opening on the second day we're going to be there."

"Let’s turn on the weather forecast and see what’s it’s going to be like when the memorial opens," suggest Maria.

"Well, okay," said BoB, "as long as you can stand Ken Bostic for a few minutes."

Ken Bostic was giving his forecast: "In a couple days when my own personal Washington memorial opens, the sky should be completely clear, with low humidity, and about 80 degrees; perfect weather for a post-memorial-dedication round of golf. For the next two hours, our BosticTours customers can enjoy video number 113, a comprehensive guide to golf courses in and around Washington DC, and personal stories by golfers whom I’ve competed with." BoB finally cut off the televisions.

"Oh boy," Clyde remarked sarcastically, "I can't wait." The other kids agreed. Just then the annoying televisions came on automatically, and, sure enough, Ken Bostic's face was on the screen. It was a boring documentary about how and why the Ken Bostic Memorial was built, of course about every other line was a sales pitch for overpriced Ken Bostic products. "Turn this off!" the kids yelled.

"We probably have to watch this or one of the videos," commented Derek.

"Well," said BoB, "the only movies that came with the bus are Ken Bostic videos. There's about 150 of them. Here's a good one though, 'Ken Bostic's Greatest Golf Moments: Part 22.' Let's watch this one!" The kids slumped back in their seats in disgust. After three more hours of driving and intolerable Ken Bostic videos, the buses pulled into a restaurant for dinner. "Hey," said BoB, "it's an all-you-can-eat buffet place!"

The kids walked in and got some tables. They were the only class in the smoking section, just so BoB could get enough smokes before they left.

While they were chowing down, a lady chaperone of another tour group approached BoB.

"Where are you guys from?" asked the lady.

"Buncombe," BoB said in his thick southern accent.

"Um, where’s that?"

"Carolina."

The lady walked off in confusion.

BoB thought for a minute, then said: "I can’t believe she had never heard of Buncombe! Everyone knows where that is!"

The kids giggled.

Later, BoB was up getting some more food off the buffet. However, he was smoking a cigarette at the same time. He accidentally spilled cigarette ashes all over some fried chicken.

Seeing BoB, the manager of the restaurant ran over in a mad rage, grabbed BoB by the collar, and threw him out the door. Everyone in the restaurant laughed.

Phil knew this was his only chance; he ran over and grabbed the chicken with the ashes on it. He savored every bite of the burnt tobacco flavor.

A little later, Ken Bostic himself came into the restaurant, en route to Washington DC.

The kids saw where he was heading to, so Billy and Donny volunteered to sabotage his table…

A few minutes later, Ken Bostic sat down with his full plate of food. He innocently picked up the salt shaker and began to sprinkle his potatoes. Suddenly the cap of the shaker flew off and a pile of salt was dumped on Ken’s plate.

"AAAAHHH!" screamed Ken angrily. He stood up and started yelling and swearing. The manager came over to see what was wrong.

"I demand this to be cleaned up immediately!" ordered Ken. "And I demand a free meal!" he commanded as he pounded his fist on the table. Little did he know Billy and Donny had also taken the screws out of the table. Ken pounded the table once more and the whole tabletop came loose and flipped over on top of Ken, spilling food everywhere.

"GET IT OFF OF ME!" screamed Ken.

The manager pulled the tabletop off.

"I’M SUING! EXPECT TO HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!" threatened Ken as he stormed out of the restaurant.

The kids cheered.

The kids once again piled on the bus and began the nighttime trip through the rest of the state of Virginia.

Johnny was sitting in the front seat, and could see BoB was getting tired as the bus started to swerve on the road.

"Hey, BoB," said Johnny, "you could let me drive for a little while. As long as we don’t get pulled over no one will know, and what they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em, right?"

"Well," said BoB, "okay, but only long enough for me to smoke some more cigarettes. I’m sure glad this tour bus has a bathroom on it, because I would get fired if I got caught smoking."

Johnny started to drive and BoB went back to the bathroom and started smoking.

After a while, Johnny said: "Wow, BoB sure is taking a long time."

The bathroom door burst open and BoB came out. However, as soon as he opened the door, thick black smoke rushed out of the bathroom and engulfed the interior of the bus. The kids woke up and started coughing.

"OH NO! I CAN’T SEE!" yelled Johnny.

"I’m almost there!" said BoB as he stumbled over seats.

"Open the door!" yelled Johnny.

BoB complied and opened up the front door. Billowing smoke poured out one side of the bus.

"Open up the emergency exits in the ceiling, too!"

BoB opened up the two hatches in the ceiling. Pillars of smoke puffed out of the two openings.

Afterwards, witnesses in the other buses said at that time the bus had an uncanny resemblance to an old train engine.

When the smoke finally cleared, BoB got back in the driver’s seat.

"Just how many cigarettes did you smoke, BoB?" asked Johnny.

"Only three whole cartons! I usually smoke twice that many on such a long trip!"

The buses finally arrived in Washington DC. The kids spent a long day touring the many sites. It was a pretty fun trip, but still a little boring.

That night they got to the hotel and checked into their rooms. They were all ready for a good night’s sleep.

At about midnight, Sue and Maria were restless for some reason and got up to walk around the halls.

As they approached the hall with the elevator entrances, they could hear one of the elevator cars going up and down over and over again.

"Hey, Maria!" said Sue, "I bet BoB’s up riding the elevators again!"

"Just like he did at the beach! He’s so weird!" replied Maria.

"Say, that gives me an idea!"

Sue and Maria pressed the button requesting the elevator. Before the doors opened, however, they hid from BoB’s sight and left a note they wrote on a pad of hotel stationary.

Sue and Maria could see BoB from behind the indoor plants where they were hiding.

BoB was standing there as the door opened, bewildered.

"What the-? There’s only a note here!" BoB said.

He picked it up and began reading.

"We are the ‘Elevator Watchers’, and we’re watching you, BoB!"

BoB looked up from the note with a terrified look on his face. He started shaking like crazy. "AAAAAAHHHH!" he screamed. He ran from the elevator to his hotel room, lighting a cigarette at the same time.

Sue and Maria laughed as soon as BoB closed his door.

"That ought to teach him!"

The kids got up bright and early the next morning, and went to breakfast at a restaurant called "Skakey’s".

"Hey, BoB," said Clyde, "I’ve heard rumors that if you eat here you will get addicted to drugs in the food and get ‘Shakey’s Withdrawl Syndrome’ as soon as you stop eating here."

"Well," said BoB, "Ken Bostic endorses this restaurant, so I’m sure it’s fine."

"Exactly," responded Clyde, "Bostic wants us to keep eating here because he gets a part of the profit!"

The food wasn’t very good, especially the scrambled eggs, which were extremely runny.

That morning the classes were supposed to tour the White House, and then the opening of the Ken Bostic Memorial.

As the kids were shuffling through the Oval Office, BoB noticed something under his foot. He bent down to see what it was. It was a Cuban cigar!

"Oh boy!" exclaimed BoB as he immediately lit it.

Within moments, a half-dozen Secret Service agents surrounded BoB.

"You’re coming with us!" the leader said.

"I didn’t do anything!" defended BoB.

"You’ve just stolen one of the President’s cigars!"

"What? It was just on the floor here!"

"We’ll see about that. We’re taking you downtown for questioning."

The kids were kind of worried, but had no choice but to finish the rest of the tour without BoB.

When they arrived at the bus, the kids wondered who was going to drive them.

A few minutes later, a lady chaperone from one of the other buses got on the bus with a male bus driver behind her.

"I’m going to stay on the bus and supervise," said the lady, "and here’s your temporary bus driver, Gary! Give him a round of applause!"

The kids clapped reluctantly.

"Hi, I’m Gary the big bus driver," said Gary, "I’ve heard lots of bad stories about BoB. You’ll be glad to have such a good driver as me."

"Whatever," said Carl.

Cathy whispered to Tim: "You know, this Gary guy is pretty creepy."

"Yeah," said Tim, "he looks like a psychopath or something!"

After about twenty minutes of exceptionally good driving by Gary, they pulled into the parking lot for the Ken Bostic Memorial.

"Let’s all thank Gary for being such a wonderful driver," said the chaperone, "since he doesn’t swerve off the road and hit stop signs like BoB always does!"

The chaperone started clapping.

"What a screwball," said Ralph. The other kids agreed.

Gary got up and started speaking. "Since we’ve all gotten to know each other so well, I’d like to invite everyone for a little ‘nature hike’ tomorrow. I have a big, long ‘survival’ knife to show you all when we’re alone in the woods, heh heh. I hope you can all make it, heh heh."

"This guy’s crazy!" said Jim.

"I’m sure we can all make it!" said the chaperone enthusiastically. "We have to go see the opening of the Ken Bostic Memorial now, though."

"Okay," said Gary, "I’ll look forward to our little trip, heh heh."

The kids got seats in the huge field under the enormous Ken Bostic Memorial. The statue of Ken Bostic was 831 feet tall, featuring Ken Bostic resting a golf club on his shoulder while clutching a box of baking soda in his other arm.

After waiting for all the seats to fill up, the program began.

From a stage underneath the statue, none other than Ken Bostic himself got up to deliver the dedication speech.

"As you all know, I am Ken Bostic. I’ve been reporting the weather for some time now, and I’d just like to assure everyone that today’s weather will be perfect for this ceremony."

As Ken Bostic was speaking, the kids noticed a huge super-cell thunderstorm forming on the horizon.

The speech seemed to drag on and on.

"…which are just a few of the accomplishments I’ve made to society," Ken continued, "all of which can be ordered by simply dialing 1-800-4-BOSTIC on a touch-tone phone."

"Will he ever quit try to sell his stuff?" asked Daniel.

"I doubt it," replied Brad.

"And now," said Ken, "I will cut the ribbon here and officially declare this memorial open to the public, for a small monetary fee, of course."

As Ken was preparing to cut the ribbon, the wind picked up and the thunderstorm moved rapidly towards the memorial. Soon the huge clouds were right over them.

It started to hail and everyone got up to leave.

"Wait a minute!" yelled Ken, "Where are you all going?!"

Suddenly, a huge bolt of lighting struck the golf club on the statue, shattering it’s shaft into a million pieces. The crowd ran in panic as debris started flying everywhere.

A colossal tornado suddenly swept down from the clouds.

"NOOOOOOO!" exclaimed Ken.

The tornado encircled the statue and broke it into billions of pieces, hurling them into the sky. The tornado then disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

"I HATE THE WEATHER!" screamed Ken.

The kids cheered.

The kids fought the panic-stricken crowd back to the bus and got on. To their dismay, Gary the big bus driver was waiting for them.

"How about if we take our ‘nature hike’ a little early, heh heh. No need to wait for the chaperone to get back, heh heh," Gary said as he got a wild look in his eyes.

Just as doom seemed eminent, BoB jumped into the bus.

"Howdy, kids!" said BoB. "The Secret Service reckoned I didn’t do anything wrong, so they let me go."

"Well," said Gary, "I guess our little trip can wait. Tell me if you ever need a substitute bus driver, heh heh."

Gary got off the bus.

"Thanks, BoB!" the kids said. "That Gary guy is creepy!"

"Well, are yuns’ ready to head back to the boonies?"

The kids cheered.

The End?

Copyright 1997, 1998.