occupational jokes

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	Mixed Up Delivery A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too." Appreciation An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..." Specifications Three engineers were having lunch one day, and the talk turned philosophical: The first engineer wondered what kind of engineering help God had when He created humankind, and proposed "It must have been a mechanical engineer -- just look at the variety of movements in all the joints of the body!" The second engineer responded, "No, I think it must have been an electrical engineer -- think of how the brain controls all the functions of the body via electrical impulses." The third engineer thought for a moment about his friend's opinions, and then said, "No, it had to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area???" Creative License Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination." The Foreman My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" "What's that got to do with it?" I asked. "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman." I See You There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?' To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'" Lemon Picker The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." Party Games One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's hose" where each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity. "Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there." "You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times." Insurance Policies A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. We don't need any one they replied. You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing. We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job. He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. How in the world did you do that, they asked. I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell to anyone anywhere anytime. Did you get a urine sample they asked him. Whats that, he asked. Well if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples. He was gone about 8 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says here is Mr. Browns and this one is from Mr. Smith. Thats good they said, but whats in those two buckets? Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention, so I sold them a group policy!!! Suit Salesman Man who is not qualified keeps pesting this taylor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job. Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody is interested in it. Owner: "Yes, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest." Two hours later the new guy call his boss for his next assignment. The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he witnessed the new salesperson bleeding, scratched and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling. "Congratulations, the job is yours. Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But what in the world happened to you." Salesman: "Thank you for the job. Oh, the man loved the suit. As far as my injury he had a real sensitive seeing-eye dog." New Supplier It's back in the 1800's and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot. A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too. A China man walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I wont need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies." The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate... The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere. He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES!" Contract Plumber A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, beautiful woman during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my OWN time??" Show Me Da Money The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?" The deaf man signs in response, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger." A Stupid Bet A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. Need A Shave A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a smallwooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem. That happens from time to time." says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else." New CEO A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." Registered Letter The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in." Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest german shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in." Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in' ?" Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him!!!" Last Day On The Job It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." Job Offer Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Yes, but you started it." Mime At The Zoo One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"