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A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE
--Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
--At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
--A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
--When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
--Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
--After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
--A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
--The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
--When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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RANDOM THOUGHTS.......
*Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
*I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
*I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
*Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
*Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
*Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
*Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
*When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
*Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
*When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
*I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
*Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T..........
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"
"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
"Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
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SURE FIRE EXCUSES FOR BEING ABSENT
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. [Editor's note: the firing squad seems to be the preferred solution to childhood ailments in Middle America].
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I´ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
---Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see all those poor starving kids all over the world, I can´t help but cry. I mean I´d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
---Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I´m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President. "
---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They´re here to preserve disorder.
---Former Chicago Mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
---Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven´t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
---Republican presidental candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
---Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia´s imports come from overseas.
---Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We´re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks NBA team
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...the researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can´t remember what they are.
---Matt Lauer on NBC´s Today show, August 22
It´s like an Alcatraz around my neck.
---Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of cityparking spaces
They´re multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
---Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $ 1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
---Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn´t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
---Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn´t pollution that´s harming the environment. It´s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
---Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It´s only the people who make them unsafe.
---Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you´re killed, you´ve lost a very important part of your life.
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
---Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on CNN´s "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
---Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I´m just the one to do it.
---a congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
---General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
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Be careful what you say in an elevator***
... An old woman is riding in the elevator of a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,"Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce." Then another young and beautiful woman gets on to the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce." About 3 floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, as the doors are about to close, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, farts and says"broccoli, 49 cents a pound"
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HOOKED ON EBONICS
1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum boff.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs an the hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man that looks fake. He said Bullshit, that watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give dat cat acomb.
8. Undermine - There is a fine lookin hoe livin in da partment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we go to da pool hall, I tol my uncle Irag, you break.
11. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At the rape trial the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the tits on dat hoe.
15. Axe - The policman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I was gona buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She say fortify.
18. Income - I just got in bed with da hoe and income my wife.
19. Distress - I be real hungry so I told da hoe to put on distress and lets go.
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad? "His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed" to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, srew him?"
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LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE VAGINA
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." “Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."
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LITTLE JOHNNY THE SMARTASS
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S LITTLE LAMB
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: “Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little-" he stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. “Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Asshole."
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LITTLE JOHNNY GETS CIRCUMCISED
Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said, "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that." He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunch time she would come pick me up then."
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THE OLD FASHION KIND OF JOKES
What is the leading cause of death with lesbians? Hair balls
How do you know if a blonde has been sening e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed in the disk drive.
What can Life Savors do that men cant? Come in five flavors
What is good on pizza but bad on pussy? Crust
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? Cause Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
What do you get when you get Ragady Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
How do you piss Winnie The Pooh off? Stick your finger in his Honey
What is the ultimate rejection? When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? Both can smell it, but not eat it
What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blow job with handle bars
What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A mobile sperm bank
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? BEAT IT - We're closed.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal
What do you do with 365 used condems? Melt them down, make it a tire, and call it a Goodyear
Whats the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, but it is a shame to pull it out
Whats the speed limit of sex? 68, at 69 you have to turn around
Why did Ragady Ann get thrown out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinnochios face moaning ''Lie to me! Lie to me!''
Why is air a lot like sex? Because its no big deal unless your not getting any
Whats another name for pickled bread? Dill - Dough
Why did Frosty The Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? She's witholding evidence
Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with the light on
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? Because they dont have balls to scratch
Why is sex like a bridge game? You dont need a partner if you have a good hand
What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration
Why dont blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog
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ONE A DAY!
I will be adding a new one everyday, starting January 3, 2000! So check back often!
(Jan. 3) ***A woman was telling her friend that she was getting married for the fourth time. "Isn't three times enough?" asked the friend. "No," said the woman. "My first husband was a builder and he always said he would do it later. My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to look at it. My third husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was to talk about it. My fourth husband is a lawyer, so I know I'll get screwed."
(Jan. 4) ***Q: What does a Polish husband give his wife on her wedding night that is long and hard?
A: His last Name
(Jan. 5) ***Graffiti: Life's a Bitch
Someone wrote underneath: If your not careful you'll marry one too!
(Jan. 6) ***A man comes to confession. "Father, I have sinned. I made love to my wife." "That's not a sin," said the priest. "But she was leaning up against the freezer at the time," said the man. "Well I suppose you could say three Hail Marys," counselled the priest. "You mean I'm not barred from the church?" asked the man. "No" said the priest. "But I understand that you're barred from the supermarket."
(Jan. 7) ***A blind man walked into a supermarket, picked up his guide dog and swung it round his head by the tail. "Hey, what are you doing?" asked another customer. "Having a look around," replied the blind man.
(Only one for Saturday and Sunday)
(Jan. 8-9) ***A guide dog led his master across the road against a red light and the traffic came to a screeching halt. When he reached the other side, the blind man patted the guide dog on the head. "Why are you patting it?" asked a passer by. "It almost got you killed!" "Actually," said the blind man, "I'm looking for its bum so I can give it a really good kick."
(Jan. 10) ***The U.S. President was on his first official visit to London and was riding with the Queen in a state carriage, when suddenly one of the horses let wind. "I apologize, Mr. President," said the Queen. "That's OK. I thought it was the horse!" said the President.
WORDS OF WIT AND WISDOM
In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
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Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
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Here are some wise sayings:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
15. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
20. Don't squat with your spurs on.
21. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
26. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
30. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
31. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
32. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
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