'Oh how I want you to know me, oh how I want you to know me and oh how I wish I was some body else Don't dream 'cos nothing ever comes of it. The people we become, well they've never been the people who we are' - Busted (Matchbox 20)
Nick sat on the floor thinking about how true that was. He did want someone who knew him, he didn't know if he wanted to be known as he was or the person he had become. Who had he become? Nick Carter pop star
and teen idol? Nick Carter doing this because it was the only thing he knew how to do? The person he had become was not the person he was. It was not anyone, just a poster on a wall, a quote in a book or magazine. Maybe dreams shouldn't come true, that was one of the endearing qualities of them, that you could dream and in the dream there were no consequences and no bad side. No claustrophobic tour busses, no
incessant screaming pre-teens at the door. Your best mates did not become annoying and irritating beyond belief. In your dreams everything was perfect and everyone was happy. That's why they shouldn't come
true, cos reality is so real. He wasn't even sure that the people he had spent the last 6 years with knew him, they knew everything there was to know about him but no body knew HIM.
If he was somebody else who would he be? Any one in the world…who? Nobody famous that's for sure, too many strings attached, too many 'but's and too many eyes. So many eyes all focussed on your every move ready to criticise, ready to assume ready to judge. If he could choose anyone…they wouldn't have to be rich, comfortable, not rich. Big houses were not all they are cracked up to be and who needs 3 cars each? College. That's were he'd be, not a posh college just a normal college so he could live in halls but still see his family some times, that would be nice to see his family sometimes, all of them, all at one time… when was the last time he did that? The last time he did that at home. The last time he had really felt that it was home and he could relax enough to not notice he was home, not feel the novelty of his own bed not be ecstatic when he walked in the front door. He wanted to walk in and it be nothing special he wouldn't notice all the cute things that made it so special to be at home. His siblings' shoes in the way, the TV left on and the stereo, the light hearted arguments between siblings, the really pissed off I want to kill you arguments between siblings. He wanted to walk in and not feel that those things were special. He wanted them to be everyday again. So regular that he didn't notice them and if he did notice them he wanted it to be because they were annoying not because they brought the familiar 'it's so good to be home' feeling. He looked around, he couldn't even tell what country he was in, he didn't know who he was, where he was and what he was doing there. The CD had moved on…he wasn't listening now, it made too many good points, hit too many chords. He liked his life, no joke, he had a good life who couldn't like a life like his. But he didn't like what was happening to him, what was happening to him? That's what he'd been trying to work out. He'd sunk, he didn't know why, he'd just realised that he wasn't
the person who he really was and he suddenly realised that he didn't want to be any of the people who he was or had been and maybe ever would be he wanted to be his Nick. He wanted to be the Nick he determined not the Nick everyone expected, or created or made up own
their own little fantasies. It was interesting, who everyone else thought he was, his friends his parents, his siblings and most of all the fans. It struck him that maybe they were the nearest to what he wanted to be, because he was, in their fantasies who they wanted him to be, and maybe everyone wanted to be the same to have the perfect life to be the perfect person the live the American dream. At the same time they were totally not what he want to be, he wanted to be himself what he wanted and therefore he did not wish to fit into anyone's mold. But he was dreaming again and he knew that although there was nothing really wrong with it either it would make him even more introspective or they would come true and they would not be as fine as he dreamt because the reality never was… ever.
He wanted to dream, he wanted to dream and he wanted them to come true, he wanted them to come true then he could cut the strings, tipex the ands and buts and blind all those eyes. Stop them from judging him. Then his dreams could all be true and dreamed all he
wanted and there would be nothing wrong with it, and no hidden extras. Maybe that's what he wanted to be, a dreamer with no strings, maybe not but he did know that he wanted to fill his own mold and no body else's, and he wanted someone to understand to know what he was going on about. 'Cos he sure didn't have any idea what was going on his head he just wanted to go back to being what he what ever he was. He was happy being that and he wanted to be in that place again. Forget about which mold he wanted to fit in the
future he wanted to go back to when life was simple and he was happy. Was he happy or is it just his own rose tinted glasses, or his hindsight showing it got worse, showing him that it actually wasn't that bad, he didn't know but he did know that he was dreaming again. He should get back to reality, reality- you knew it when you saw it, he thought, it bites back. But it's all I can have because I've had my fair share of dreams come true and I've had all the strings too. Maybe reality was safer anyway, you know that it sucks sometimes and sometimes it was so messed up it was hard to believe in, but at least you knew that, you can never predict how many ways dreams can go wrong, mainly because never want to. Nick decided to stick with his reality and all imperfections and the reality of it because he could predict it and he was safe in that knowledge. Suddenly he stood up from the floor
and moved towards the door, still wishing that someone could tell him what was going on his head. Wishing that someone could actually stop long enough to try and work it out, that someone had the patience to explain it to him. But this was reality and all the people who maybe able to do that were too real for it to ever happen anywhere but in his dreams.
