Emma snapped back to the present. She thought she'd heard her name carried on the wind, but she didn't turn to look. No one knows I'm here, she thought. Everyone thinks I’m at work. She heard it again, closer this time, and she turned to see him walking towards her. She turned quickly back to face the water. I never should have told him that this is my favorite place to come think. He drew closer, and a rock of dread began to form in the pit of her stomach.
"Hey you," he said, sitting down next to her on the sand. “I went to get you for lunch and they said you had the day off. You weren’t at home so I figured you’d be here.” He placed one hand on her knee, and leaned in to give her a kiss. She turned her head, and his lips landed on her cheek. He pulled away in surprise. "Are you mad at me?" he asked, confused by her behavior.
She moved her knee from underneath his hand, and shifted a couple of inches to put some space between them. "No, I'm not mad at you" she said after a moment. It was the truth, she wasn't mad. At him. "Kevin," she said a moment later. "We need to talk."
"I hate it when people say that" Kevin said, trying to make light of the situation. She didn't smile, and he knew what was coming next. His heart sank at the lack of emotion on her face.
"I think we should break up" she said, standing up and walking to the water’s edge. She stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans, and looked at the horizon. She felt Kevin's presence beside her before he spoke. She closed her eyes against the emotions that whirled inside, willing them to stay hidden.
"Why?" he asked, his voice strangled. He looked at her, his green eyes clouded with confusion.
"We don't belong together, Kevin" she said, avoiding his gaze. "We aren't meant to be together." She could feel her heart breaking under the weight of her lies.
"Are you on crack?" Kevin asked incredulously, using a favorite line of hers. "I lo-“
"Don't say it!" she cried, holding up a hand to stop him. Please don’t say you love me and make this harder than it already is, she thought. She turned to face him. "We are not right for each other" she said firmly. Liar, liar, pants on fire! An old childhood chant ran through her head.
Kevin put his hand on her neck and started playing with the tendrils that had escaped her ponytail. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to enjoy it for a moment, even though it was wrong. "Emma," he said softly, pulling her closer to him. "Tell me you don't love me. Like in the movies, look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me, and I'll believe you." He leaned in closer, his lips almost touching hers.
For a heartbeat she considered letting him kiss her. Then sanity set in, and she placed her fingers on his lips. She looked steadily into his eyes, and said, in a voice stronger than she thought she'd have "I don't love you." Then she turned and walked away, never looking back.
Kevin stood there, stunned, and watched her walk away. He called her name, but it came out choked, and was carried away by the wind. He stumbled back from the water’s edge, and sat down hard on the cold sand. Hidden by the support of a nearby pier, she watched him. She could see pain written on his chiseled features, and knew it mirrored that on her own face. She could feel her heart being torn apart, and she doubled over from the pain. It may as well have been a physical pain, it hurt as much as someone punching her.
"I'm sorry Kevin," she whispered, her words carried away by the wind. "I do love you. I always will. This was the only way to avoid hurting you more." She took one last long look at him, then she ran across the sand towards her car.
The phone rang then, and Emma stared at it, afraid of who it would be. "Hello?" she answered cautiously. She knew it wasn't Kevin, but it could have been one of the other guys.
"What did you do to Kevin?"
"Hi Mandi," Emma said, relaxing a little.
"Don't you 'hi Mandi' me! Kevin is an absolute mess. What the hell happened?"
Emma could hear the anger in her friend’s voice, and she could practically see the sparks of anger flying from her blue eyes. "We broke up" Emma said simply. She felt her heart constrict at the words.
"Why?" Mandi demanded. There was silence on Emma's end. She could hear the guys in the background on Mandi’s end and they didn't sound happy. She’s at Kevin’s her mind registered. She could make out words, and heard her name mentioned more than once. "Em!" Mandi's voice said loudly in her ear.
"What?" Emma said, turning her attention back to the matter at hand. She rubbed her eyes, tired already of having to explain her actions.
"Why did you du-"
"My cancer's back" Emma interrupted. She didn't want to hear Mandi speak the words that described her actions. "That's why I did it. His father died of cancer, Mandi. Don’t you remember what Brian told us once about how Kevin took it when his dad died? Brian said he was a shell of himself, that he didn’t talk to anyone for a week, and he kept everything inside until he almost exploded. I’m willing to bet that he’s still not the Kevin he used to be.” Emma took a breath. “Don’t you see? I can't let Kevin go through what he did with his dad. That's why I dumped him. That's why I ripped his heart out of his chest, stomped on it, and then shoved the mangled pieces back in. Does that answer your question?" She was practically shouting now.
It was Mandi's turn to be silent. "Oh my god," her roommate finally said, her voice almost a whisper. "Em. You have to tell him. You can't let him think he's done something wrong. Let him help you through this."
"NO!" Emma practically shouted. Just the thought of telling him made her nauseated. Taking a deep breath she continued. "I can't tell him. Plain and simple. I won’t let him watch me die. This way he'll get over me in a few days and move on to another woman." Just the thought of Kevin kissing and touching another woman made her sick.
"Em, you don't get it. First off, you’re not going to die” Mandi said quietly. “Second, Kevin’s not going to get over you anytime soon. He loves you. He can’t just accept this and pretend you never existed" Mandi tried to explain. "You are everything to him. He needs you. And you need him.” She paused, and Emma tried to keep her tears from overflowing. “You have to tell him."
"No."
"If you don't I will" Mandi threatened.
A shudder of fear went through Emma even though she knew Mandi wouldn’t do that to her. “Please don’t” she pleaded through clenched teeth. She sighed. "This is what's best for him. Just trust me on this."
"You have 20 minutes to call him and tell him, or I will. I'm sorry Emma. But he deserves to know." With that Mandi hung up the phone. Emma knew that Mandi would never betray her that way, just tell him her business. But she also knew that if Kevin asked her, directly, what had happened, that Mandi would tell him.
Emma looked at the handset still in her hand. "Man!" she said aloud, placing the phone on its base. She knew, deep down, that telling Kevin would be the right thing. She also knew that she couldn't be here when he finally found out. "So, what now?" It took her a few minutes, but she knew she had to do what she always did when she couldn't deal. Run. It took her ten minutes to throw her clothes in an old hockey bag she kept handy for just such situations, then she was out the door. Ten minutes later she was driving up 95 North, her destination unknown even to her.
She kept the radio on full volume, the music preventing her from thinking about anything but her driving. She sang along with each song, pausing only for commercials, though she sang along to the ones she knew.
An hour into the drive she could feel her lips getting dry, so she opened her glove compartment to get the lip-gloss she always kept there. Her car was a disaster area, and her glove compartment was no exception. As soon as she opened it papers came tumbling out. “Ugh” she muttered. “Can anything else possibly go wrong?” she asked, glancing up at the heavens. She pulled over to the side of the road to gather all the papers together. She had them all in a pile and was shoving them in the glove compartment, when the corner of a purple envelope caught her eye. She closed her eyes against the memory, but it came in its stark vividness anyway.
~ Flashback ~
“Bye Mandi!” Emma shouted as she ran out the door. She was running late for work - late for her. At this rate she was only going to get there 15 minutes early instead of her usual 30. She ran to her truck and unlocked the door, depositing her bag in the passenger seat. She got behind the wheel, and stuck the key in the ignition. It was then that she noticed a lilac colored envelope under her windshield wiper. “What the hell?” she asked herself. She reached out her window, stretching to reach the envelope, grabbed it, and threw it on her bag. She’d read it when she got to work. Ten minutes later, she pulled into the station parking lot. Grabbing her bag and the card, she scrambled up the station stairs. She practically ran to the production room, where she threw her bag on the floor inside the door. She poured herself some coffee, and sat down to open the card.
It was a simple card, just a yellow rose on the front. Emma smiled, whoever put it on her car knew she liked yellow roses. She opened it, and began to read. ‘Emma, I had a really good time yesterday. For a moment there I actually felt normal. Thanks. I hope we can get together sometime, and hang out again. Mandi told me you like yellow roses; I would have gotten a real one too, but there are a surprising lack of flower shops open at 3 am. I’ll give you a call sometime. Kevin.'
Emma sighed, and stuffed the card back in the envelope. This wasn’t turning out the way she wanted it too. She liked Kevin—a lot. But, she didn’t want a relationship. Ever. You had to go and ruin things, didn’t you Mr. Richardson? she thought to herself. We had a perfectly good time hanging out yesterday, and now it’s destroyed. She leaned back in her chair, and began to replay yesterday in her head.
Mandi had shown up to meet her, and Emma had never been happier. She threw her arms around her friend and thanked her profusely. Mandi gave her a weird look, and said. “I took the rest of the day off. I told them I had a family emergency.” She moved to sit on the wall outside the restaurant, and Emma joined her. “I wasn’t sure what to expect, or how long you’d need me for, so…” She trailed off waiting for some explanation of Emma’s strange phone call.
“Ok, ” Emma said, crossing her legs. “You know today was the whole BSB thing at the station, right?” Mandi nodded, her eyes lighting up at the mention of the group. Emma sighed, and shook her head. “This is so bad, Mandi.” She buried her face in her hands.
“Spit it out already!” Mandi grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her a little.
“Well, apparently Kevin took a liking to me for some reason.” Mandi’s eyes widened. “Anyway, he invited me to lunch with him and the guys, and I tried to get out of it by saying I already how plans with you, and he told me to bring you.” Emma took a breath, and Mandi took the opportunity to jump in.
“You mean, we’re meeting the Backstreet Boys for lunch?” Mandi began to tweak. She’d been obsessed with them since college.
“Please don’t tweak, Mandi!” Emma begged, and Mandi calmed down. But the crap-eating grin stayed on her face. “Yes, the guys are meeting us, so if they say anything please pretend we had a date to meet.”
Mandi didn’t get a chance to respond because just then, the guys came walking around the corner, and the girls stood to greet them. If it was possible they looked even better than they had that morning. Emma’s heart jumped when she saw Kevin, now wearing blue jeans and a Red Sox jersey, and an unfamiliar feeling settled in her stomach. “Red Sox, eh?” she said when they got close enough to hear. Kevin looked down at his shirt and nodded.
“I love the Sox” Emma continued. By this time, the guys were standing next to them, and Emma was starting to feel a little nauseated. “My hometown team.” Next to her, Mandi cleared her throat. “OH! This is my roommate, Mandi.” Silently, Emma thanked her for preventing any further babbling.
“Hi, guys” Mandi said, with more calm than Emma thought she could have around these men. She had half-expected Mandi to start screaming like a teenybopper. Emma could see the guys checking her out, and knew why. Mandi was very pretty, with chin length brown hair that was usually some other color, and blue eyes that never seemed to stop sparkling. Today it was a deep shade of purple. How Mandi got away with dying her hair was amazing. Emma thought that preschool teachers were supposed to look… well, normal. But the kids loved Mandi and her ever-changing hair, so the administrators let her get away with it. Her jeans were perfectly faded, and the shirt she wore had the letters of their coed fraternity emblazoned on her chest in the same deep purple as her hair. She felt a flash of jealousy when Kevin gave her roommate a once-over, but it was replaced by nervousness when he turned his eyes on her. She looked away quickly, focusing her attention on a tuft of grass breaking through a crack in the sidewalk.
“Nice hair,” AJ commented, patting his own red tipped strands. Mandi flashed him her killer smile, and she and AJ starting walking towards the entrance of the restaurant. Emma knew that they were swapping dying strategies, and she grinned. Maybe something good will come out of this, she thought. God knows, Mandi deserves a good man.
She moved to follow them, and Howie fell into place beside her. He grabbed her arm, and pulled her a few feet ahead of Brian, Nick and Kevin. She looked at him quizzically, and he leaned into whisper in her ear. Emma had to lean down so his mouth was closer to her ear. “I’m so glad you showed up today. Kevin was driving us all nuts. He was so afraid you wouldn’t show.”
“Lovely,” Emma commented. Her heart sank. She knew that all it was initial reaction to who he thought she was. And she knew that as soon as he saw the real her he’d run screaming. Emma just didn’t want to give him false hope that they could date or anything. She smiled at Howie, and he grinned back. He had mistaken her reaction as a good sign for Kevin. This is gonna be a long day Emma thought.
They made their way to a large booth in the back of the restaurant, and took seats, Emma carefully avoiding being next to Kevin. AJ and Mandi were still deeply engrossed in their conversation and Brian and Nick had begun a serious discussion about which NCAA basketball team was going all the way this year. Emma listened for a few minutes, then smiled as UMass was brought up.
“UMass doesn’t stand a chance!” Brian said emphatically. He touched the brim of his bright blue Kentucky hat and grinned. “Wildcats baby!” Emma snorted, and Brian glanced at her. “You got something against the ‘Cats?” he asked, eyes narrowed. The rest of the table fell silent.
“Besides the fact that they destroyed my school in ’96, not a thing” Emma said innocently. “But don’t count UMass out yet.” They got into a spirited debate that had them lobbing volleys at each other, and the rest of the table laughing and looking back and forth between the two of them. It lasted until Brian leaned back against the booth and held up his hands in concession.
“You sure know your hoops,” he said with a laugh.
“There’s a reason I majored in Sport Management in school,” Emma replied. “I love them, but hoops isn’t my favorite game” she confessed. Brian raised an eyebrow, and pressed the back of his hand to his forehead.
“Tell me she’s joking” he moaned.
“Sorry love,” Emma said, her grin growing wider by the minute. “I’m a hockey girl.” That led to another heated discussion, and by the time lunch was over Emma’s sides hurt from laughing so much.
None of them wanted to part ways after lunch, so they’d gone back to Emma and Mandi’s and just hung out. The day flew by, and at 12:30 Emma opened her mouth to say she needed to sleep, but only a yawn that nearly split her jaw in half came out. She blushed as the others laughed. “So uncool,” she muttered. “Laughing at a poor girl who’s been up since 3:30 this morning to work a shift she wasn’t supposed to.” She leaned back into the couch and sulked.
“But if you hadn’t worked you wouldn’t have met us” Nick pointed out.
Emma raised her eyebrows. “Like I told Peter yesterday, even the Backstreet Boys can’t make up for lost sleep.” She stood and moved to stand in the doorway. She could feel eyes following her every move, and knew instinctively that they were Kevin’s. She turned to look at him and found herself staring into his eyes. Did the boy have any idea the effect those eyes had on her? Oblivious to the others in the room they just stared. Emma felt a shudder go through her, and she leaned against the door frame for the support her now-weak knees failed to give her. Shaking her head to clear it, she finally noticed the others looking at them in confusion. “I’m going to bed” she finally managed to stammer. “Y’all can stay as long as you want, but I’m pretty much useless now.”
The guys stood up and Howie spoke. “We should be going too. We have rehearsal at 9.” Emma and Mandi exchanged a look, and she could see that Mandi was crushed that the night was ending. She walked over to the coffee table and scribbled something on the pad of paper there. Tearing off the sheet she turned just in time to see Mandi and AJ exchange a kiss.
“Gag,” Emma said, crinkling her nose in disgust. The others grinned, and Mandi and AJ jumped apart. Shaking her head, Emma held out the piece of paper, “Here’s our number. Call us if you want.” Nick and Brian jumped for the digits, but Kevin was quicker. Their fingers touched and Emma jerked away as if she’d been scalded. Another unnamable look flashed in Kevin’s eyes and she looked away. “Goodnight.” Emma slid past Kevin and disappeared up the stairs.
Kevin watched her go then turned to the others. He looked at Mandi, confusion on his face and hurt in his eyes. “Did I do something?” he asked quietly.
Mandi shook her head. “It’s just how she is. Sometimes she takes awhile to warm up to people. She’ll come around.” She patted his arm. “She has a history, you know? Give her time. Just don’t give up, okay? She could use some good luck and I have a feeling you might be good for her.” Kevin nodded. “Good now get out of my house before AJ gives me another ‘come hither’ look and I jump him.” AJ blushed and the others laughed as they dragged him out the front door.
Emma hid herself in the shadows at the top of the stairs during the whole exchange between Kevin and Mandi. As they left, she stood and hurried into her room, closing the door quietly behind her. She flopped down on her bed and buried her face in her pillow. Now what? she asked herself. I can’t do this again. I refuse to get my heart broken again. There were too many emotions swirling around inside her head and her heart, and she was getting dizzy trying to decipher what they were.
With a groan, she sat up and rubbed her face. Speaking out loud she made a pact with herself. “No matter what he does I will not get involved with him.” She nodded once, and climbed out of her bed to slip out of her clothes. Her new resolution made her happier and she found herself humming as she stepped into the shower.
It was a month later that she was told that Kevin had made a similar resolution. Only he had resolved to win her over. Emma smiled when she found out, because she knew that she was more stubborn than they gave her credit for, and once she set her mind to something, nothing could stop her.
Shaking her head, Emma returned to the present. She shoved everything back in the glove box, and quickly climbed into her car. Where to Em? She asked herself. She had no answer. Just drive. She commanded. You’ll know when you get there.
