Kevin shook his head back to the present, and stared at the photograph still in his hand. Someone, AJ, he thought, had snapped the photo when they weren’t looking, and had captured their feelings for each other. They were standing on either side of a horse, petting it, and talking. The photo was of them looking at each other across the horse’s nose, told the complete truth about their feelings. And when Emma, a few days later, tried to back out of her admission, Kevin showed her the picture.
“You can deny it all you want, Em, but the camera doesn’t lie.” She had had no argument for that, just a smile and a kiss of agreement.
“Emma,” he whispered, sitting on his bed. He felt tears begin to form, and he angrily wiped them away. “I’m done with you Emma” he said, his words giving him strength. “This is the last time I’ll speak your name.”
He picked up the framed picture and gently touched the glass over Emma’s face. Then he slid it in the drawer of his nightstand.
“This place is nuts, man!” AJ clapped his hands together once, and started jiggin to the music that was blaring from the speakers overhead. Nick and Howie got into the groove with him, not noticing the strange looks they were getting from strangers passing by. Not to mention Brian and Kevin.
“Guys…. GUYS!” Kevin shouted. The trio of dancers turned to look at him. “Y’all are dancing in the middle of the concourse.” They looked at him with ‘what’s your point?’ faces. “If we don’t get moving and find our dressing room, we’re gonna be recognized and mobbed.” Nick looked around the empty hallway and rolled his eyes. “Let’s go,” Kevin said, pointing towards the arena doors.
They were doing things differently today, much to the dismay of Kevin. Usually, they went through the back doors of whatever arena they were playing in. But, this music festival was the biggest one ever presented, and they wanted to see some of the other performers, and check out the crowd. So, they had grabbed their backstage passes, the one’s that identified them as performers, and went in the front door.
The atmosphere inside the arena was intense and hyper, the crowd going nuts over every band. Up on stage, a slender woman sang her heart out. The crowd was into her, some of them even holding up lighters and swaying back and forth. The song ended, and the crowd exploded into applause. The guys made their way to the floor and stood off to the side to watch the end of the set. From where they stood, they had a perfect view of the singer. Nick’s jaw dropped, and he elbowed Brian in the side.
“Ow man! What the he—" Brian saw the look on Nick’s face and looked in the direction he was pointing. “Holy sugar…” he breathed. “Is that…? It is!” He turned to tell the other guys, but they had all noticed. All but Kevin. He was leaning against the wall, examining his nails. Since Emma had left him, he hadn’t taken much interest in anything but the group. Other bands held no interest for him. The guys shrugged at each other, and went back to watching Emma, waiting for him to notice.
~ Up On Stage ~
“Thanks y’all!” Emma said with a smile and a wave. “Y’all are too kind to me!” She stood for a minute, feet spread apart, arms crossed her chest, taking in the scene. Putting the microphone to her mouth she began to speak once more. “This is the last one I’m gonna do…” She laughed as the crowd booed at the statement. “Hey there are other bands here… I know everyone’s waiting for the Backstreet Boys…” Her laughter could be heard above the crowd’s roar of agreement. “So, this last song I’m gonna do is a sad one. I borrowed it from another wonderful artist, Amanda Marshall, because it reminds me of someone I love very much.” Emma sat on the stool one of the stagehands had brought out for her. “I hurt him, more than I thought I would, and I would give anything to hear his voice singing softly to me the way he used to each night.” Emma paused, considering her next words. “I know he’s here tonight, so Kevin, this is for you. I hope someday you’ll forgive me. It’s called If I Didn’t Have You.”
Kevin looked up at the sound of his name. The way it was said reminded him of… her. He glanced at the stage, then back at his fingers. He was getting sick of waiting for the guys.
I don’t know what I was thinking,
‘Til I was thinking of you.
I don’t remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view.
Kevin looked up quickly. ‘I know that voice,’ he thought.
I don’t know what I was doing,
When there was nothing to do.
Must’ve been waiting for something, baby.
Now I can see I was waiting for you
‘It can’t be her though…’ He looked up at the stage once more and saw her. “Emma.” He pushed his way to the steel barrier that separated him from the crowd. The other’s looked at each other. “It’s about time,” Nick said to the others, and they smiled.
I’d give up my sight just to see you,
I’d beg, I would borrow and steal.
I’d cut off my hand just to touch you,
Tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel.
There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow.
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Cause I wouldn’t want to be me,
If I didn’t have you.
Emma scanned the crowd, taking in the couples who held each other closely while swaying to the music. Her eyes scanned the perimeter, sliding over a group of boys waving their arms. They quickly slid back, her heart leaping to her throat. I don’t believe this! she thought as she waved back, and smiled. Climbing off her stool, she walked to the edge of the stage. With the help of the security, she jumped into the space between the crowd and the stage. Still singing, and with confused security following her she walked over to the guys.
Driving myself to distraction,
Until you got in my way,
I was just whistling dixie
‘Til you struck up the band
And they started to play.
I don’t know how I was living,
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right.
She hugged all of them tightly, not wanting to let them go. She couldn’t believe the smiles on their faces. She had thought they would ignore her if she ever saw them again. Remembering she had an audience she forced herself back into performance mode, and sang to a group of guys in the crowd. She walked up the stairs towards them, and smiled when one wrapped his arms around his girlfriend. She turned to walk back down, and that’s when she saw him.
I’d give up my sight just to see you,
I’d beg, I would borrow and steal.
I’d cut off my hand just to touch you,
Tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel.
There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow.
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Cause I wouldn’t want to be me,
If I didn’t have you.
She almost tripped going down the stairs, but she caught herself. Her eyes locked with his and she could barely sing.
I was alone in the silence,
‘Til I was hearing your voice.
I couldn’t see my way clear until you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice.
I couldn’t pick up the pieces
‘Til I was falling apart
I didn’t know I was bleeding
‘Til your love fixed this hole baby here in my heart.
When she got to the bottom of the stairs, they just stared at each other while she finished the verse. Kevin turned, and started to walk away, and Emma grabbed his arm and forced him to stop. He turned around, and his eyes once more locked with hers. ‘Please know I’m singing this to you,’ Emma thought to herself.
I’d give up my sight just to see you,
I’d beg, I would borrow and steal,
I’d cut off my hands just to touch you.
I’d tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel.
There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow,
There’s no place that I’d rather be.
‘Cause life without you would be hollow.
This love is a gift and you gave it to me.
All that I am you have made me,
And baby, I know that it’s true
I’d give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you.
There’s no place that I wouldn’t follow,
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.
‘Cause I wouldn’t want to be me
If I didn’t have you.
She finished the song still staring at him. The crowd roared, and Emma couldn’t tell if the applause was for the song, or because she had sung it to one of the Backstreet Boys. They stood without speaking for what seemed like an eternity, then Kevin grabbed her and crushed him to her. The crowd grew louder, and Emma began to cry. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” she said over and over. She buried her face in the space between his neck and his shoulder.
“How could you leave me?” Kevin spoke fiercely into her ear. "Don’t you ever disappear like that again.” He couldn’t believe he was holding her again, and he didn’t want to ever let her go. He stepped back reluctantly and looked at the guys. They were busily looking everywhere but at them.
He smiled, and pointed towards the backstage. Emma nodded, and they headed towards the stage area, grabbing the guys as they went. When they were backstage, Emma gave all the guys proper hugs.
“Where the hell have you been?” AJ demanded as soon as she’d embraced them all. “You disappear without a trace for two years, and suddenly you reappear as this superstar.” He grinned and grabbed her hand, forcing her to do a spin. “Look at you girl! All diva and sh… stuff.”
Emma grinned and posed like a supermodel. “Y’all should have known I’d turn to music” she said. “You were the ones who made me sing all the time.” She carefully avoided answering his question. “Nice hair, by the way.” AJ’s hair was a lovely shade of blue.
“So, where were you?” Trust Nick to keep a touchy subject alive. He scanned the area behind her, and she turned to look. Nothing but stage hands as far as she could see.
“Why don’t we go to my dressing room?” Emma suggested. She was tired after performing, and wanted nothing more than to change her clothes and sit. The guys nodded, and she led them through the halls to the room assigned to her. “Sit” she ordered, and laughed when Nick obeyed like a little puppy. “Good Nicky,” she said, patting his head as she went past him into the bathroom. “I’ll be right out” she said, shutting the door behind her. She quickly slipped out of her concert wear—mini skirt and tank top—and into the jeans and t-shirt that made up her normal attire. She walked back into the room to find the guys huddled together. “What’s this? Talking about me already?” She didn’t know that they’d been talking about her since she’d disappeared.
Brian smiled, and glanced at his watch. “Actually we were just talking about how we’re supposed to be on stage after this set and we haven’t warmed up or anything.”
Emma clapped her hand to her mouth. “I completely forgot you were performing!” she exclaimed. She started pushing them out of her dressing room. “Go… go warm up.” She gave them all final shoves out the door. Howie looked at her, and she realized that none of them wanted to let her out of their sight. “I’m not going anywhere” she said. “I’ll be here when you get-“
“Emma? Emma!!!” A voice came from down the hall, and Emma found herself enveloped by arms.
“Mandi!” Emma said, wrapping her arms around her old roommate. Other than Kevin, she had missed Mandi more than anyone. She pulled back to look at her friend, and laughed out loud. Mandi’s hair matched AJ’s. “I was wondering if you and AJ were still together. I can see by the hair that you are.” She remembered the guys, and turned to them. “Will y’all leave?” she said with mock exasperation. “What kind of show do you want these people to have.” She shooed them away, then dragged Mandi into her dressing room.
“I can not believe I’m actually seeing you again” Mandi said, throwing herself onto one of the couches in the room. “Ohmigod! That was you up on stage! You dedicated that last song to Kevin!” She leaned forward. “How did he react? What did he do?” Her excitement was catching, and Emma was relieved to see her friend hadn’t changed. She told her the whole story, and when she finished Mandi sighed and sank into the cushions of the couch.
“That is so story-book ending,” Mandi said with a smile. “You will never believe who else is here!” she said.
“Who?” Emma asked. She had taken a seat on the opposite end of the same couch. She turned sideways, and crossed her legs under her.
“Lynny!”
Emma’s eyes widened in surprise. “Excellent” she said, nodding her head. “Mass Crew is almost whole once more. Are she and Nick still together?”
Mandi nodded. “The Mass Crew is whole though” she said. “Patti’s here too.”
“What? How? Why?” Emma sputtered.
“She and Brian hit it off when she finally got her ass to Florida” Mandi shrugged. “The rest is history.”
“What about Leighanne?” Emma asked, now thoroughly confused.
“Now, what man in their right mind would choose Leighanne over Patti?” Mandi asked with a smile.
Mandi and Emma spent the next hour catching up, and exchanging stories, then they went to see the guys perform their set. It was backstage that she ran into Lynn for the first time since she had left.
“Hi ma’am!” Lynn said, wrapping her in a hug. “I’m glad you decided to show up again.” She whispered in Emma’s ear, “Kevin’s been miserable since you left.”
“Me too” she said softly. She squeezed her back. “I’m glad you and Nick are still together. Sometimes, you guys actually make complete sentences.”
Emma grinned and Lynn punched her lightly on the arm, then they moved to the side of the stage. Patti was there, and she and Emma promised to talk after the concert.
Each of the guys did their solos. AJ dedicated his to Mandi, calling her “the only woman I will ever love.” Nick sang “I Need You Tonight”, singing the version that Lynn liked, where he sang “heaven in your eyes.” Then it was Kevin’s turn, and Emma held her breath.
“You all saw Emma’s show earlier, right?’ The crowd cheered, and Emma felt her cheeks flush. “Then you know that she dedicated a song to me. Well, it’s my turn now. Emma,” He turned to face the girls. “I love you. I always have, and I always will. Don’t you ever leave me again. This is for you.” He sat down at the piano that was there for his set and began to play. The song he sang, Back To Your Heart, touched Emma to the core, and tears streamed down her face as the last note faded. They went on to perform more songs, and when they ran off the stage thirty minutes later, the girls were waiting with hugs.
“I’ve missed your shows!” Emma said as she gingerly hugged the sweaty men. “I caught one… out where I live, but it was no where near as great as this one.”
“Well, we were missing a vital part of our family then” Howie said quietly, speaking directly to her for the first time. “Now that we have our missing link back…” He trailed off, and Emma smiled and squeezed his hand. Her leaving had been hard on him, for their friendship was the one that had taken the longest cultivate.
“Let us shower, then we’ll meet in your dressing room” Kevin said with the same authority he always had when it came to getting the guys to do things. The girls nodded and the guys ran off.
Twenty minutes later, the door to Emma’s dressing room fell open and Nick and Brian fell inside. “I won!” Nick crowed.
“Bull!” Brian protested, a look of indignation on his face. “I beat you hear, fair and square!” They bickered back and forth, and Mandi, Lynn, and Patti giggled. Emma just sat there with a content smile on her face. These were her boys, and she was back.
“It was a tie” Howie’s high pitched voice interrupted them. Always the peace-maker. Emma thought. She looked at him, and motioned him in. He was followed by AJ, who went to sit on the armrest next to Mandi, and Kevin, who just stood in the doorway, unsure of where he should go.
“So,” Nick said. “Tell us where you’ve been.” He’d plopped himself down on Lynn’s lap, and she’d wrapped her arms possessively around his waist. “You don’t waste any time do you, Nick?” Emma felt some of the same annoyance she’d always felt with him before. He was just like the annoying little brother she was glad she’d never had. But she welcomed the feeling this time. She was so glad to see them again.
“You have been avoiding answering it,” Brian pointed out from his seat next to Patti. He grinned when she stuck out her tongue. “Good to know you haven’t matured like the rest of us.”
“Who was it who fell through the door, then had a fight over who got there first?” Emma asked, a wry smile touching her lips.
“Emma,” Kevin spoke quietly from his post by the door. She looked at him, and her smile faded. The time had come to face the music, so to speak, and tell the tale of where she had been.
“It’s not that great a story” she said as a warning. “When I left Florida, I had no idea where I was going, so I drove aimlessly, taking whatever road I felt like taking. One day I found myself in a small town, and stopped to get some food. In the diner I stopped at, there was a sign up advertising for help on a local horse-breeding farm. I went and applied for the job, and they gave it to me.” She shrugged. “That’s where I’ve been ever since.”
“Emma,” Lynn said, moving her head to peek around Nick’s body. “You know crap about horses.”
“I know. I know all about horse crap now.” Emma grinned at her, and she returned it. “Seriously, I told them that, and they gave me the job based on my promise to work my butt off for them. They taught me all I needed to know, and I didn’t look back. It just felt right.”
“So where were you?” AJ asked. “You still never told us.”
Emma looked at Kevin, then at the floor. “Ummm…. I was in Kentucky” she mumbled, hoping no one had heard. No such luck.
“What?!” Kevin said. “You were where?”
“I was in Kentucky” Emma said, looking him in the eye. “I knew that y’all would think I went back to Boston, so I stayed in the place where you were least likely to look for me. I was going to go to Boston, but I knew Kevin would show up there looking for me at some point.”
The guys all looked at the ceiling, and Emma knew she was right. “You never thought to look for me on a ranch did you?” They all shook their heads. “I’m surprised you two didn’t think of it” she said to Mandi and Lynn. “All through college I talked about wanting to move to Kentucky to breed thoroughbreds.”
“You also talked about wanting to move to London to work as a waitress,” Lynn pointed out.
“And to Newfoundland to marry a fisherman,” Mandi said, rolling her eyes at the memory.
“And to St. Louis to work for the NHL team there” they said in unison. They laughed at the memory of Emma extolling the virtues of each member of the St. Louis Blues.
“OK, OK. So I had a lot of dreams” Emma said laughing with them. When they finally calmed down, she turned to the guys. “So what have you guys been up to?”
“I got a tattoo!” Nick said, jumping up from Lynn’s lap to pull up his shirt. He showed her his shoulder, and Emma admired the shark and the music notes that were inked there.
Emma looked at Lynn and Patti, and the three of them grinned. “All the guys have tattoos now, except for Kevin and Howie!” they said in unison, dissolving into laughter before they were finished. The phrase was from their college days, when they had all been so obsessed that they had spent entire days reading fan fiction and rumors online at work.
“Guys, I hate to be the one to break up this party,” Kevin began.
“Cause there ain’t no party like a Backstreet party and a Backstreet party don’t stop!” Emma and Lynn sang in unison. Another throwback to their college days.
“I’m tired” Kevin said, not amused. “We need to head out of here.” The other guys nodded, reluctant to leave, and stood from their seats.
Emma knew that Mandi, Lynn and Patti were going with the boys, and she stood to give them hugs. “It was so good to see you again” she said, hugging them. She moved to the guys, and pulled them into a tight group hug. “I love you guys” she said, feeling the tears forming. “I thought about you everyday.”
“You think we’re letting you go after this?” Brian said, grabbing her hand. He could tell she was saying her good-byes. “You’re coming with us.”
“I can’t Brian” Emma said, pulling her hand from his. “I have other places to be. I’m driving to Atlanta tonight. I’m on tour. You guys know how that goes.”
They all nodded, and Howie spoke. “When’s your tour done?”
“Next month.”
“Then we’ll meet then. We’re on tour until the summer, but you can join us on tour.” The others nodded as if it was a firm decision, but Emma just shook her head.
“I can’t.” She hurried to explain when they looked at her with confusion and hurt. “There’s two reasons. First, the last thing I want to do is go back on the road as soon as I’m done with my tour. I know you can understand that. Second, that ranch I went to work at, I own it now. I have to go and take care of business.” She sighed. “I want nothing more than to spend time with you. But right now isn’t good. Why don’t y’all come to my ranch when you’re done with your tour?” she suggested. They were all silent for a moment, then they broke into excited chatter. Kevin looked at her for a moment, then he turned and walked away.
“How long can we stay?” Nick asked.
“As long as you want” Emma said with a smile.
“We’re gonna work with horses!” Brian said, jumping up and down like a little boy.
“Excellent,” Mandi said, grinning at her.
“Obviously” Emma replied. She looked over to where Kevin had been last, her eyes widening in surprise when she noticed he was gone. “Where’s Kev?” Concern laced her voice.
“He walked off about five minutes ago” AJ said, leaning against the wall. He pointed in the direction Kevin had gone.
“Why didn’t you say something?” Emma asked, annoyed. She took off down the hall and burst through the double doors at the end. She found herself outside in the parking lot behind the arena. It was empty now, except for a few cars and a couple of tour busses. “Kevin?” she called. There was no answer. She began to walk towards the buses, assuming he had gone to his. She approached it from the back, and, seeing the door open, she climbed inside. “Kevin?” Her voice echoed in the silence of the bus. She checked the rooms, just to make sure he wasn’t in there. She got to the front, and was about to disembark, when she saw a strand of smoke float past the front window. She stepped off the bus, and walked around the front. She stood for a moment, watching him inhale deeply. “You don’t smoke” she said to the figure sitting on the fender. “In fact, you hate smoking.”
“I stole one from AJ. It seemed appropriate somehow” Kevin spoke to the ground, not wanting to see the woman he loved before she walked out of his life once more.
Emma took the cigarette from him, took a drag, and crushed it beneath her foot. Exhaling she said, “We need to talk.” Kevin winced, and Emma remembered that those were the words she’s spoken the last time she’d seen him.
“Nothing good ever comes from that statement” Kevin said. He was miserable, and it killed Emma to see him this way.
Emma sat next to him on the fender, careful to keep some space between them. Touching him, even accidentally, would muddle her brain. She needed to be able to think clearly.
“I’m sorry” she said simply. There was nothing else to say. She looked at him sideways, then looked down at the ground.
“Me too” Kevin said softly. He kicked at some imaginary stone. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” he asked, finally putting into words what had been bugging him for so long.
“And have you pity me? Or have you look at me and be reminded of your father?” Emma asked. “I don’t think so.” A touch of attitude had entered her voice. “What I did, I did so you wouldn’t have to go through watching me get really sick, and maybe die.” Emma began to explain. “I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I didn’t want you to suffer any more than necessary.”
“So, you thought it would be easier to just break up with me and disappear?” Kevin asked incredulously.
“So I was wrong. I admit it” Emma said. “But I’d do the same thing again.”
“So what happened?” Kevin asked, standing to look down at her. Emma didn’t like being towered over, so she stood to be on even footing. “Obviously you didn’t die.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, Kevin” Emma said sarcastically.
“That’s not--” Kevin began. He stopped. He wasn’t the one who had explaining to do.
“I know.” Emma sighed, the day was catching up with her and she was tired. “I had chemo treatments, and it went away. The wife of the man who owned the ranch took care of me, helping me keep my strength up. I worked through the whole thing, only taking a day off when I had a treatment and didn’t have the strength to shovel horse sh*t.” Emma was convinced that the hard physical labor of the ranch was what helped keep her healthy enough to survive.
“Did you even once think of me?” Kevin asked hoarsely. He was afraid to hear her answer, but needed to know.
“Everyday.” Emma looked up at him, and their eyes met the way they always had. She felt a jolt of electricity run through her, and she shivered. “I thought about how much I love you, and how much you must be hurting, and how much I wanted you by my side when I was getting filled with the poison that was supposed to make me better.”
“I wanted to be there” Kevin said. He took a step towards her, and she held out a hand for him to take. He took it willingly, and squeezed it tightly.
“Knowing you, if you’d known, you would have dropped everything that meant everything to you and been by my side” Emma said with a smile. “I couldn’t let you do that. Where would the band have been without you? You’re their anchor.” She moved closer to him.
Kevin smiled. She was right of course. He would have dropped everything for her. “I’m glad you’re back” he said, putting one hand behind her neck. He played with her curls, and Emma closed her eyes. He couldn’t resist; he had to taste her lips again. Very softly, he kissed her. He felt her lips smile against his, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. They pulled apart only when they heard applause from behind them.
Emma jumped, and turned to look behind her. Mandi and Lynn were smiling, their arms wrapped around their boyfriends. Brian was making kissing noises, and Howie was just standing there trying not to look at them. Kevin pulled her against him, wrapping his arms around her waist.
“So, you guys finally back together?” Nick asked in his blunt manner. Lynn smacked him lightly, and he smiled.
“Yes” said Kevin
“I don’t know,” said Emma at the same time.
They turned to look at each other. “There’s something else you need to know” Emma said. “This is the most important because I know how much you want a family.” Kevin nodded his agreement to the statement. “I can’t have kids. I had surgery on top of the chemo and they took my ovaries. I’m defective.” She looked ready to cry at the last statement.
“You’re perfect,” Kevin whispered. He looked her in the eyes and kissed her lightly. “I only need you. We can adopt if we want kids.”
“If we’re still together when I reach the point that I want children” Emma said, reminding him that she supposedly hated children. The others, however, had all witnessed how she played with every child that came within two feet of her.
“What do you mean if?” Kevin said, pulling her into his arms. “I’m never letting you go again. This is for life, baby. This is for life.”
