Back in 1993, when I was fourteen, things were different, I was different. My house only had one t.v., one phone, one computer, no e-mail, and no internet. And, I lived next to the greatest guy in the world. Now, six years later, in 1999, I'm almost twenty, my house has three t.v.'s, two computers, two phones, multiple e-mail accounts, and Internet. And, that great guy is no longer around.
I don't know why we clicked. He was two years older than me, and so much more mature - usually. Everyone in our neighborhood knew to watch out when Alex and I were together. We weren't troublemakers, just mischievous. We were always going where we shouldn't go, and doing what we shouldn't do, without worrying about the consequences. We never got in trouble, we got away with everything. We thought we were invincible. When we were together, nothing could go wrong.
Until the day I met Nick, Brian, Kevin, and Howie. And found out what they wanted to do with Alex - or maybe I should say A.J. You all know Alex as Backstreet Bad-Boy, A.J. But, I know him as poetic, completely hopeless romantic, boy-next-door, Alex. And, I'd rather know Alex than A.J., to tell you the truth.
Since he was about seven, Alex had told me almost every time we were together how much he wanted to fly one day. He wanted to travel the world, and fly, just like a bird, or, more like a butterfly. I know it's
hard to believe, but he's such a romantic and a poet. Mariah Carey would've helped a lot back the first time I met the other four boys, and found out their plans. Now that I've got you thoroughly confused, let me
take you back to that day in 1993...
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"BREEZE!" my mom called from downstairs. "ALEX IS HERE!" If you're thinking that Breeze is a weird name, don't worry, it's just my nickname. My real name is Brittany. The name Breeze was given to me by Alex,
don't ask me why. He just called me Breeze one day out of the blue, and when I asked him why, he said it "just sounded cool." He made everyone call me it too, until I starting calling myself Breeze when I introduced myself to new people, which confused a lot of people later on.
"Hey, Al," I said with a big smile when I ran to the front door to greet him. But, my smile quickly faded when I saw the seriousness in his usually playful brown eyes.
"Hey, Breeze," he said quietly. "Can we talk?"
"Um, sure," I said uncertainly. He took my hand, and led me outside to the swing in my front yard. "What's up?"
"Well, um, you know those four guys I been hangin' out with lately?" he started. I nodded. I remembered. They were pretty cool. Kevin was about 20, and was a little too serious for my taste. Brian was 17 and hilarious. He was pretty cute, too. Then there was Howie, who was 19, and way too polite. He was nice, though. And, then there was Nick. He was 13, and very cute. When I met them, I kind of stared at him the whole time, losing myself in his bright, laughing blue eyes, and his windblown blond hair. He was a really good singer too, for someone whose voice hadn't changed, yet. They were all fun to be around. Luckily, I got to be around them a lot.
"Well, anyway," Alex continued, bringing me back to the swing we were sitting on. "Y'know how we sing together in the backyard alot?" Boy, did I ever! Every day, for hours on end some days, they were in Alex's backyard, singing their hearts out. And, they didn't just sing, they sang loud. It wasn't unusual for them to attract a crowd. But I had to admit, they were good.
"What are you sayin', boy?" I asked him impatiently. It wasn't like him to be at a loss for words.
"Oh, I don't even know why I'm trying to explain," Alex said, sighing. "This'll be way over your head." Now, that made me mad.
"Alexander James McLean," I said firmly. "In the fourteen years that I've known you, you have never said anything was over my head. You've always tried to explain things to me as best you could. Explain this the same way you explain everything else. Just spit the words out!"
"I'M LEAVING!" Alex yelled, almost angry. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"What?" I said disbelievingly. "Leaving? Why?"
"We signed a contract," Alex answered. "We're gonna be singers, Breeze. We're gonna make albums and perform concerts." He paused, and then reluctantly added, "And tour the world." The words hit me like a brick.
"No," I said. "You can't leave. What about school? And the drama play, and - and...?"
"Breeze, it'll all work out," he said, putting his arms around me. "I'll have to bag the play, and get a tutor but, it won't be that bad." Tears were forming in my eyes.
"What about me?" I whispered. "Are you just gonna up and leave me behind? Are you gonna give everything up? The summers we spent together tormenting the neighbors? And skipping rocks in the creek? And watching Jax blow up his backyard with fireworks together on the Fourth of July? Are you just gonna give all that up?"
"Believe me, I'd take you if I could," Alex said sincerely. "But, I can't, you know that. I know you don't want me to leave but, sometimes, to keep someone with you, you have to let them go." I broke down then.
"I don't wanna let you go," I whispered through my sobs, as I sat on the ground on my knees, Alex kneeling beside me. "I can't. I love you."
"Oh, Breeze, I love you too," Alex said. "But, ya gotta understand. This is what I've always wanted to do. My life is finally coming together." I knew he was right, but that didn't stop the hurt from overtaking me. While his life was coming together, mine was falling apart. But, for him, I tried to put up a cool front.
"So, I guess this is your chance to be a butterfly," I said. Try as I did, I couldn't keep the fresh wave of tears from coming.
"Yeah, I guess it is," Alex said, smiling slightly. "Oh, god, Breeze! I don't wanna leave you! But, I have to. I know this sounds harsh but, I can't let you hold me back." The words cut deeper than a knife, but I lied through my teeth.
"You're right," I said. "I can't hold you back. Go. Be a butterfly. Fly away. Make your dreams come true." Alex smiled, and hugged me.
"Thank you so much for understanding," he said. "I'll miss you so much."
Oh, he had no idea. "I'll miss you, too," I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. "What'll I do with my summers?"
"Torment your brother," Alex answered, and I laughed in spite of my sorrow. "I love you."
"You don't have to tell me that," I said. "I know."
"No, I mean, I really love you," he said, and leaned down and kissed me.
Startled by it, I almost pulled away but quickly changed my mind when I realized, I loved him, too. So, I returned the kiss. A minute later, we pulled away, and both let our breaths out.
"Did we just..."
"I think we did..."
"Uh-huh, we just..."
"Kissed."
"Wanna do it again?"
"Yes." So, we did. We kissed again. We were still kissing when Nick came up behind Alex, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled away from me.
"What?" he asked, annoyance clear in his voice.
"We gotta go," Nick said in his cute little voice.
"Fine, I'll be there soon," Alex said, and started to turn back to me.
"But, A.J..." Nick started to protest.
"Go, Nick," Alex said firmly, and Nick obeyed, almost running away.
Finally, he turned to me. "Well, I guess this is it, Brittany," he said. That was the first time he had used my real name in years. "My turn."
"Yep," I whispered, tears closing my throat as I tried to choke them back. "Your turn to be a butterfly."
"Bye," he whispered. "I love you." I just nodded. I had no voice. He waved, and then turned around and walked away.
"Goodbye, my beautiful butterfly," I finally whispered.
November 11, 1993
Dear Diary,
I looked up from my diary as the few tears that were left rolled down my cheeks, and watched out my window as the van took off down the road, taking my Alex away forever.
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Well, there's my story. And, I bet, if you asked Alex to write it down from his perspective, he'd write the same thing. Try as we did to keep in touch, it just didn't work. For six long years, we haven't talked, written or seen each other in person. He's travelling too much. But, I watch his life on television, and read it in magazines, and hear it in
his music, and I know, he still loves me. And he'll come back, and tell me in person, because butterflies always return when spring comes.
