"I just don't care any more, it's not that important to me I can't have it there like it's gloating, like they're still here." I was shouting and I knew I was shouting he had to understand.
"Yes it is, it always has been important and it always will be," he moved my hand from the box, it contained everything of any value in my life, it contained my past. Now I wasn't sure if it was that important still, why couldn't I just get rid of it, maybe I just needed to forget, pretend none of ever happened. Was there anything of any real value in my life anymore? Was there ever?
"Just put it away somewhere Rita, you'll come back to it one day and be glad that you kept it. That day will come, you will be glad to have kept your past however much you hate it now you will want to remember. I promise." He didn't shout at me, he never did for some reason. Because of him I could see an end to all this. I knew that it wouldn't be easy but there would be a final stopping point when I would be
thankful for the box. He took the box and put it back in it's rightful place. It looked so innocent, just a small wooden box, carefully carved, how could it hold such hurt?
You were my rainbow in the storm
I sat alone in the darkness; I had run out of tears long ago, though their tracks still stained my cheeks. I couldn't get through this. How could I have been so stupid to think that it would pass me over. That I could live in the eye of the storm forever, I had to come out the other side but that meant going through the hurt and betrayal again and possibly getting swept up in the storm again. Swept up and blown away. I couldn't even remember if there was an other side of the storm or did it just go on forever, that seemed entirely possible at the moment. I looked up slowly, maybe for divine intervention or approval but what I saw was him, his blue eyes looking down at me, telling me I could go on. I had to go on. He couldn't be there, I didn't know where he was but he was making sure I knew I had to still be there when he came back. Suddenly, just because I knew what he would be saying to me I smiled he could do that to me like no one else… ever. This time I took the box and put it back in it's rightful place. Banishing the hurt back in to the past so that I could continue in the present.
And my silver lining
He smiled at me, running his hand through his short brown hair, making it stick up a bit. He placed the letter back in the box, folding it carefully.
"Well. At least it's in the box."
"How can you say that? You know everything that is in there. You know what the box is all about, and you still say that?!" I was shouting at him again, he didn't deserve it, he had never shouted at me. I think he was scared to break me. And at that point in time I probably would have shattered into a million little pieces. But he never did, he was just stood there with that beautiful soothing southern accent telling me that everything would be okay.
"At least it's in the box because everything in the box is over. It's gone." He put the lid on. "You don't have to deal with this anymore you don't have to cope with them, they are gone. Forever." His arm circled my shoulders, I just cried, partially with relief that he was, once again right and partially because I had to have the box at all. That they were banished there and they appeared no where else. So when he put the box back in its place again they were gone. They did not leap up at unexpected instants. Only when the box came off the shelf and then he was always there in one form or another to make sure that it always went back there in one piece and I was always in one piece when it did return to it's spot.
I'm out of the tunnel now,
The clouds have gone
I flipped though the pages of my writing once more before I placed the book back in the box. As usual I had to rearrange all the objects, of which there were many, ranging from jewelry to letters and photographs, otherwise it wouldn't all fit and then it would once again spill over into my life. I was starting to understand it all now. Why, how it had happened and to me. I could see that the box had been necessary. Without it I couldn't have gone back and explained to myself. It may hold all those tears forever but now I knew why but I knew I still couldn't live with out it there on the self it had to be there to remind be. To be my fall back just in case more had to be added and then later explained. So, for now it went back on the shelf. For maybe the first time, I hadn't needed him for it to return to the self. I knew he may never know, because he was away with his life but he would be proud all the same and I knew that I could continue to explain without him knowing because I could support myself for a while.
And the sun is out
I don't need you anymore
He walked in his eyes immediately gravitating to the spot where it should have been. I had never noticed before but I guess he always did that. Partially to make sure I was all right. If it was on the shelf then I was likely to be in a better condition than if it was on the floor or on the seat next to me. But it was not there, my eyes focussed on the same spot and I smile, I was finally comfortable with it not being there. I could believe my self when I said that it wasn't going to happen anymore, I would have nothing more to put into the safe keeping of the box. He didn't need to ask if I was okay, he knew that I was back on track at last. I could tell that he suddenly felt surplus to requirement as he turned to leave again. There was no box for him to replace and no Rita to look after he suddenly didn't know what to do but leave and I could see the pain fighting with the overwhelming joy for space in his eyes.
But I still love you
"Brian, wait, please don't leave," he turned round slowly there was a look in his eyes that I had never seen before or maybe I had never had the time to look. He didn't know what to do.
"Ree, you don't need me anymore, maybe you should add me to the box where ever it's gone. I think I might just bring the memories back."
"I put the box away because I don't need it anymore. I don't think I'll ever have anything to add to it. And I certainly don't want to add anything to it. I understand now Brian, I can accept it and I can let go."
"Ree, I don't know what to be anymore…"
"Be you, I love you. I don't need you like I did before but I still love you. And we need each other, please just don't leave." He smiled then laughed.
"Thank you Ree, I love you too. I am so happy." We sat down and started talking. Sometime he must have seen the paper on the table, because he mentioned it later.
You were my light in the tunnel
You were my rainbow in the storm
And my silver lining
I'm out of the tunnel now,
The clouds have gone
And the sun is out
I don't need you any more
But I still love you
(*Author's note* yes I wrote the poem, no I didn't write it about anyone in particular. I want to make it clear that the story was inspired by the poem not the other way round. Stories compliment poems, poems do not, as far as I am concerned, compliment stories. They say far too much to just be an after thought of a story, you might not agree, that's just how I feel about my poems).
