[Lights up. We see the set of the Dating Game; one chair, to seat the bachelorette, is seperated from three occupied chairs with silhouetted figures. Tacky music comes on as the announcer starts talking in a tacky voice.]
Anno.: Yeeeessss, it's the Dating Game! Welcome, and here's our host, Paaaaaaaul McCartney!!!
[Cheesy music fades as Paul runs out, waving to the audience. He occupies a podium to the near left of the empty bahelorette chair.]
Paul: Welcome, welcome, welcome! I'm your host for the day, Paul McCartney! Let's meet our three eligible bachelors, shall we?
[The lights come up on the tree silhouettes, and we see John and Ringo holding a disgruntled looking George in his chair. John and Ringo wave, George struggles to get away.]
George: I don't want to be on this show!
Paul: Now, aren't they charming? Let's hear it for our three handsome young men!
[Crowd applauds as George breaks free, running for the edge of the stage before John clotheslines him and carries him back to his seat.]
Paul: Now, before we bring out our bachelorette, let's introduce each of our bachelors.
[Close up on Ringo, who's positively beaming. Cue cheesy music.]
Paul: [VO] Bachelor #1 is none other than Ringo Starr, famous drummer for the Beatles! I mean, just look at those baby blue eyes! Let's hear it for Ringo!
[Crowd cheers loudly as Ringo waves. Camera moves to a red-faced George, who's whispering angrily to John.]
Paul: [VO] Bachelor #2 is our very own George Harrison, famous lead guitar for the Beatles! Look at his skinny little legs! Say hello, George!
George: Sod off! And don't make fun of me legs! [turns to John] How come *he* got to be the host??
John: Because he always has girls; he doesn't need another.
Paul:[VO] And that brings us to Bachelor #3, Johnny Winston Lennon, lead singer and rhythm guitarist for the Beatles! Say hello, John!
John: [turning red] Oh, you just *had* to mention the Winston, didn't you??
[Camera returns to Paul, who looks slightly nervous. He tugs on his collar and smiles into the camera.]
Paul: Ahem…right. We've kept Lucy backstage to prevent her from hearing anything about our bachelors. And now, I'll introduce our beautiful and lovely bachelorette. Lucy is quite the Beatles fanatic [cut to bachelors, looking quite nervous at the mention of a huge fan], and she loves to collect stuffed animals, shave squirrels...
Lucy: [from behind the stage] I DO NOT!!
Paul: …and eat fondue, heeeeere's Lucy!
[Lucy comes bouncing out. Cue cheesy music. She runs up to Paul and shakes his hand vehemiantly as Paul tries to loosen her grip on his poor, delicate hand. He eventually pries his hand loose, then hands her the questions and she takes a seat.]
Paul: Ok, bachelors, say hello to Lucy!
B#1(Ringo): Hullo, luvy luv!
Lucy: [bouncy as ever] Hi!
B#2 (George): Leave me alone!
Lucy: Uhm…ok…
B#3 (John):[hits George] Hello there, Lucy luv!
Lucy: *Teehee* Hello!
Paul: Now, Lucy, you have in your hands a selection of questions to ask our bachelors. Ask away!
Lucy: Right, Paul! Ok, bachelor number two; I always hear that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. What is your favorite food and why?
[Cut to George, who smiles evilly.]
George: Well, Lucy, I always love eating live crab…so wiggly!
[John and Ringo look at him in disgust as he sits there smiling smugly. John leans behind George to whisper to Ringo.]
John: He's trying to throw the game!
Ringo: Fine with me! I'm gonna win anywhoo.
[John growls at him, then returns to his seat.]
Lucy: Oh, my. *Ahem* Right…uhm…bachelor number three. We're on a first date, and I have a big piece of spinach stuck in my teeth. How would you let me know?
John: Well, luv, I'd first let you know, the offer to get it out for you…without using my hands.
[Lucy giggles, fanning herself with the question card. Many wolf whistles from the audience. Ringo sticks his tounge out at John, who returns the favor.]
Lucy: Teehee! Bachelor number one, same question.
Ringo: Well, I'd prolly say, "Lucy, dear, you're so beautiful, you really don't need that spinach in your teeth."
Lucy: [clapping] Ooh! Good answer!
[Ringo smiles smugly at John, who just makes a face behind George's back.]
Lucy: Ok, then! Bachelor number two; if you were a popsicle, what flavor would you be?
George: Hmm, that's a tough one…earwax, I suppose…
[Ringo starts gagging, John thumps him on the back. Lucy looks completely disgusted. George just smiles.]
Lucy: Moooooving on…bachelor number three, if you were stuck on a deserted island with only one item, what would you want it to be?
John: Well, I would suppose a picture of you for me to kiss!
Lucy: *swoon* Uhm…I'm afraid to ask, but bachelor number two, same question.
George: Oh, I'd take a mirror so I could look at myself all day long.
[Lucy cocks one eyebrow, then scribbles something on her card.]
Lucy: Yea. Anyway, bachelor number one. If you, my mother, and I were in a boat crash and the life raft held only two people, would you save me or my mother?
Ringo: Hmm...well, I'd let you two have the life raft, because I know I couldn't live without one or the other.
[Lucy swoons, clasping the card to her chest.]
Lucy: Oh, how sweet! Bachelor number two, same question.
George: Sod the life raft! I'm swimming off by meself!
[Lucy's eyebrow goes up again, and she writes something down.]
Lucy: Ok, bachelor number three. If you were a food, describe yourself.
John: Well, I'd be a big juicy steak! Light your fire and throw me on you grill, and I'll be tender and juicy in no time!
[Ringo starts laughing, trying to mask it behind a cough. John leans over.]
John: What?
Ringo: Oh, nothing.
Lucy: Oooooh….[shakes head to clear it] Whew! Bachelor number one. What do you think of when someone says the word rainbow?
Ringo: Well, I think of you of course, cause you're my treasure at the end of the rainbow!
Lucy: *Sigh* Oh, how sweet! Bachelor number two. If you were to paint me one color, what would it be?
George: Puke green. Such a lovely color.
[Lucy gags, then moves on.]
Lucy: Eew. Bachelor number one, same question.
Ringo: Oh, I wouldn't want to paint you anything, 'cause then your natural beauty wouldn't shine through!
[Lucy's off in Lala Land after that last answer.]
Lucy: How sweet…
Paul: Uhm…Lucy? We're almost out of time.
Lucy: [snapping out of it] Right! Oh, sorry! One last question for the three of you: who would you date between Betty and Veronica?
Ringo: Betty.
John: Veronica.
George: Jughead.
Lucy: That wasn't a choice!
[Cheesy music signals end of game. Paul walks over to Lucy.]
Paul: Ok, Lucy! Time to make your choice!
Lucy: Well, it was tough, but I chose…Bachelor number two!
[George falls out of his chair as John and Ringo laugh hysterically.]
Paul: Is that so? [snicker] Any reasons why?
Lucy: Well, he so courageously wanted to swim to shore after the boat wreck, and puke green is my favorite color! Not to mention the sexy accent…
Paul: [trying hard to control his laughter] Right. Now, before we meet your date for the evening, let's meet the bachelors you didn't pick. First, we have bachelor number one, Richard Starkey, a.k.a. Ringo Starr, drummer for the Beatles and owner of those lovely blue eyes! Come on out, Ringo!
[Ringo comes out, still chuckling. He gives Lucy a hug, and she almost faints. Ringo exits.]
Paul: Bachelor number three is the rhythm guitarist for the Beatles, our very own Johnny *WINSTON* Lennon!
[John walks around the corner and hugs Lucy also, giving Paul the finger behind her back. He follows Ringo offstage.]
Paul: Isn't he charming? And now, bachelor number two! Lead guitarist for the Beatles and owner of nice skinny legs, George Harrison!
[George stalks around the corner angrily, scowling at Paul. But when he sees Lucy, he softens, giving her a hug.]
Paul: Now, isn't that cute! You two lovebirds are headed for a week of fun in wonderful…Liverpool!
George: But I live there!
Paul: [ignoring George] Thanks for watching the Dating Game everyone! Goodnight!
[Cheesy music, roll credits. Fade out.]
*Special Thanks!*
I'd like to say a few words of thanks to some of my friends for helping me think up some of the questions (and answers!). Let's see; Claire, Sarah, Emily #1, Emily #2, and Virginia! Thanks! Also, some of the questions are actually from the Dating Game; i.e., the spinach-in-the-teeth question, and even Ringo's answer.
Okay! A few other things about this story. One, in real life, I'm not that ditzy. Honest to God. Two, George is prolly not that gross, and John is not that horny. Well, I hope Ringo's that sweet, but you never know. In all, I don't know the Beatles personally, so this is just fiction.
©2000 Meg Thiel
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