Diabolical Cucumbers
Section 1-section 2.-Section 3-Section 4-section 5-section 6-section 7-section 8-section 9- section 10- Part 2
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"What do you MEAN, boy bands?" John Lennon asked Yvonne Masticla, a "sorceress", or so she said.
"It's quite simple, really. It will begin in the year 1997, with three blonde little boys trying to play pop music...then, it will broaden into a wild pop market of copy cat bands, most with 5 boys, singing and dancing. At that time, your music will be forgotten, and it won't matter what you've done anymore. You'll be those four old guys who used to have that "hold your Hand" song their Moms used to listen to." John sat back, shaken. This proposition was terrible, and nearly impossible to handle.
"It's only 1965! How do you know that this is true?" he asked incredulously.
"I predicted the increase on the price of cucumbers at the super market, didn't I?" She said. John pondered this.
"You're right. How can I stop this terrible phenomenon from happening. These....boy bands you speak of?"
"Listen carefully. Take the other three....George, Ringo, and Paul, and go to Dr. Herman Choltis. Go alone..take no one with you. he will know what to do."
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Forgotten? BOYBANDS?" Ringo asked, sitting in a chair, shaking.
"I'm afraid so, Ring. Boybands." John shuttered.
"Stop saying that! That wretched word....it can't be true! I won't let it be true!" George said, shaking his head.
"There is only one thing to do. We MUST go to this Choltis man. Perhaps he DOES know 'ow to stop it all!"
"'Ow do you know she wasn't faking? She could be a fraud!" Paul said, pacing back and forth.
"But Paul! You remember when she predicted the increase in price of the cucumbers!" Ringo reminded him.
"Good God, you're right! We MUST go to this doctor! Only 'E knows the truth!"
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"Ah, yes, Yvonne Masticla. I've heard wonderful things about her. So, you want to know how you can go to the future to help prevent the reign of the boybands. I can help you....but it's going to cost you." Each of the Beatles nodded their head furiously.
"We've thought about this.....'b-word', and we've decided that if the world gets ahold of this, there might be mass destruction..everyone will come walking copies of eachother...and..and...it's so painful to think of!" George bit his lip.
"Well, I can help you...for 2,000 pounds." John sighed and handed over some money...they just couldn't bare to think of the world falling to such an utter horror. Beatle lads sure do have hearts, don't they?
I'll arrange for it as soon as possible. There's only been one other person ever sent in time...we sent a young lad named Tom Cruise...he never came back. We don't know if he died on the way there or back, or if he liked it so much that he is staying, but I don't intend to find out. But if you guys would like to find out, that's fine with me. Anyway, your ride will be ready in about an hour...please make yourself comfortable, and have a safe trip!" He left the four to sit and ponder what was going to happen to them.
"We 'ave to do this for the people in the future. We 'ave to save them before people go crazy! I- I can't even begin to imagine what would 'appen if one of my children...if I ever 'ave any........became obsessed with all of these tyrants! They will suffer!" George's war speech. And a war it was going to be.
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"When i count to three, you'll be gone. Good luck and God speed." THey were tough lads. They could handle it...they hoped.
"One.......two......three!" And then they were gone.
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"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" rang a loud high pitched scream. About 60,000 high pitched screams.
"good God, where ARE we?!" Paul asked.
"I don't know! I can't see anything!" Ringo yelled. And then George gasped.
"Oh my GOD! There....there is a....a...A BOYBAND!!!!!" Yes. The first boyband sighting.
"They.....they DISGUST me! They are all so...feminie!" John said, plugging his ears. But Ringo looked on.
"Ring...come 'ead. We're going down for a closer look," George yelled to Ringo.
"Closer look. Good idea." Ringo said quitely. He followed them down a good many stairs, before a very large security guard cornered them.
"What have we here? Beatles impersonators at a Backstreet Boys concert? Interesting..."He said, looking at them.
"Yes.....we are....fans! Yes, we're what is it...Backstreet boys? We are backstreet boys fans. Go Backstreet!" George said enthusiastically. The guard gave them a weird look and made them go back up to the top.
"'OW are we going to get up THERE?" Paul asked. John laughed.
"What's your problem, Lennon? People are being hypnotized 'ere! 'Ow is it funny?"
"Look at that bird! She's got 'I want you, Nick' written all over 'er body in permanent ink! And so does the one next to 'er! This is FUNNY!" John continued in his fit of laughter while George and Paul contemplated. Ringo stared in awe at the stage.
"Oh no! GEO! PAUL! The boyband has GOT 'IM!!!!!!!!" John said, suddenly coming to attention. George looked over at Ringo.
"Holy cucumbers! Not Ringo! Come on, Ring, luv, snap out of it! It'll be okay! Just bite your tounge and think good thoughts! Come on, you can do it lad!"
"noooooooooooooo. Backstreets Back....alright!" Ringo began to dance...but not normal, "adult like dancing." This was...good God, this was BSB dancing!!! Tears rolled down the other three's cheeks. Quiet, desolate tears.
"That's it. 'E's gone. 'E's gone," Paul said in defeat.
"NO! I won't let it 'APPEN this way! Ring! Come on! Breathe, luv!" John yelled, shaking Ringo furiously. Ringo shook his head and looked around.
"Oh, Lads! That was the worst thing that 'as ever 'appened to me! It was this....candy-coated fake reality! It just swallowed me! Aw, I've let ye down! I'm sorry!" He hung his head and stared at the ground.
"Ring! You know the effects! We must do something to stop it!" But before they could do anything, they were attacked by young teeny boppers.
"You're too OLD to be at a Backstreet concert!"
"YOU SUCK! Nick is MINE, you FAG!"
"I LOVE A.J. MCLEAN FOREVER!!!!" All four of the Beatles looked at eachother in pure fear.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they yelled and ran away as fast as they could.
It's true! It's all true! C'mon, lads, we 'ave to leave and think of something to do. Maybe we can get a 'otel room or something," Paul said, taking charge. Our poor Beatley heroes were exhausted, and they needed to think up a deviously diabolical plan. And so it marked the beginning of the War, Beatles vs. boybands. ******** ****************** ********************* The lads left the ampitheatre, only to find themselves right in the middle of New Yok City. It was a lovely dusk evening. Cars flew by them in a mass hurry to get where ever it was that they were going.
"Okay, now we have to find a hotel...where do you suggest we go?" John asked.
"Well, does anyone have any money with them?"
"I do....but the bulk of it's under me bed," George said.
"WHY do you keep your money under your bed? I mean...what good is it going to do underthere? Why don't you be a man and carry it in a wallet?" John asked, smirking at George's meek little face.
"Leave me alone, Johnny. I don't want to carry a wallet. So sue me!!"
"I don't have to. I know where you keep your money. Easy access, luv." George stuck his tounge out.
"Alright lads, lets just pick one of these hotels. And tomorrow, we'll go out and buy some...Americanized clothes. Then, we'll research. We can do this, I know it. And if we run out of money, we can always put on a concert or something."
"Paul, we can't put on a concert! Eppy isn't 'ere to 'elp us, and we aren't used to the equipment in...what year is it, anyway?Who knows? Eep, this is rather disturbing. We are in America all alone by ourselves...And we look..well, we are, the Beatles!! People are going to think we are crazy!!" John was beginning to make sense.
"Well...we can say that we are impersonators! Yes, we are Beatles impersonators."
"No we're not,"George said. "We are the real beatles."
"Of course we are, you nit," Paul was saying. "But this is the year....1990 or something! We are probably all...old!" Ringo shuddered.
"I'm not old." John rolled his eyes.
"You insolent beings!!! Argh!!!! And just where do you think we are going to get that kind of equipment? 'Ell, they prolly play 50 string guitars now! How are you going to play a 50 string guitar, Paul? You can hardly play a 6-string one!" Paul glared at John.
"Nonsense. And if there are, they 'ave to 'ave some 6-stringed ones! it's not like the '60's were 100 years ago. Just...30. Or maybe 40. 'ell I don't know."
"Wait!! I 'ave and idea!!!" George shouted, as if a lightbulb had magically appeared above his head.
"Oh rapture, what's Einstein got to say now?" George gave John the "Look."
"Perhaps we can find that Cruise guy? What was 'is name...Tom Cruise? Maybe 'e lives in New York?" John looked stunned. Had George, Baby Beatle George, actually come up with a good idea?
"Holy cucumbers! Lads, I think George is going to make it in the world. He's 'ad an intelligable thought!!"
"You better cut this Satire bull shit, John. I'm right sick of it!" George cut in.
"A bit touchy are we?" And so here they were. Standing on a busy street corner in the heart of New York City...having a hissy fit.
"OKAY!!! Perhaps we can find a phone book?" The streets were getting crouded, and the four could tell that the concert was about ready to let out. People began to flood out in all directions.
"Let's ask someone," Ringo said, who had been unusually quiet.
"Excuse me! Pardon me, but 'ave you ever 'eard of Tom Cruise?" Paul asked a woman walking by. She stopped and looked at them, rather puzzled.
"Tom Cruise? of COURSE I've heard of Tom Cruise! He's so dreamy!" she said in a thick New York drawl. Paul smiled.
"Gear! So, do you know 'im well?" She looked at him, and her eyes sparkled in amusement.
"Know him? Honey, anyone that knows him is going to be well off for the rest of their life. He's got a new movie coming out soon." Paul's smile faded.
"Movie? 'E...'E's in a movie?"
"Uhh....yeah. He's only one of the most honored actors in all of Hollywood. Are we talking about the same Tom Cruise?" Paul stepped back.
"Sorry to take up your time." They walked away, leaving a slightly confused young woman behind. ******************* ********************** ********************
"So they call this a motel 6?" Paul asked, eyeing the motel suspiciously. The roof looked old, and the shingles from the top were crumbling down to the Earth from many years of gravity's constant demand that they kiss the soil. The windows were small, and some were cracked. The front entrance way was old and nearly collapsed. An old couple was hobbling from the lobby, grumbling about how they'd never recieved such poor service in all their 74 years of life. Paul eyes were wide with disbelief.
"They actually take business in this place?" he asked incredulously.
"Well, they must. We don't 'ave enough money to spare us a night in a ritzy, four star, posh place," John stated.
"Yes, John, I am aware. Well, this will have to do." A pigeon suddenly flew out of a dying bush perched next to the door. Spiders conveniently made their homes in the corners of the entrance.
"Come 'ead lads. We're the Beatles. We can stand lumpy beds, poor service, greasy food, and over all bad living conditions, can't we?" John asked, laying the situation out on the table.
"No." George stated flatly. "I can't. Lumpy beds and I aren't friends. We tend to get a little irritable when confronted with a situation such as this." John wrinkled his eye brows in confusion.
"What in the 'ELL are you talking about, George? Of course you can! Now come on! Let's get a small, cramped room with a black and white T.V. that has 2 channels!!!"
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"Can I help you?" asked the woman at the front desk. She had a shock of curly blonde hair. Her eyes were a grayish blue, and her teeth were yellow with tobbacco stains. A cigarette dangled losely from her lips in danger of plummeting to the floor. She had bright blue eyeshadow that stretched over her thin, penciled-on eyebrows, and her lips sported a scandalous, dark red lipstick that was caked on much too darkly. She wore a blouse that was way too low cut for her field of work, and a skirt that almost revealed too much, but played on the edge to make men just wonder what was beyond that hemmed line.
"Uhh, yes, we are looking to rent a room for the night," Paul spoke up after examening her.
"Yes...alright. Is that four seperate rooms, or are you boys planning to use this time...otherwise?" she asked.
"Yes....I mean no...I mean, what do you mean? We just...one room will be fine," Paul stuttered. John snickered at Paul's failed attempt to keep his cool. The woman eyed her, and a smile played at her lips, but she bit them to keep from laughing.
"Oh, one room. That's only got...one bed. Is that okay for you..four?"
"Yes, quite gear, actually. Um...thank you for your kindness."
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"I can't believe the price for this!!!! Argh!!!! This makes me livid!!" Paul was pacing in the back of the room.
"Damnit, the bed is lumpy!! What am I to do now?!" George carried on.
"Free HBO, guys! We get free HBO!!! Wait...what's HBO?" Ringo questioned excitedly. He flipped the television on and fumbled with the remote control for a while. "Wow...this is very odd indeed."
"Paul, I can't sleep on a lumpy bed! This is all your fault!!"
"Shut yer mouth, Harrison, Or I'll GIVE you something to whine about!!! Me head is splitting with a headache, and all you are doing is complaining about yer damn bed!!! Sleep on the floor!" George stopped complaining and turned to the front in defeat.
"'Ey, color T.V., this might not be so bad after all! now where is HBO?"
"HEY!!!!!! 'ave you all forgotten about our mission? the boybands are out there! They are still hypnotizing millions of girls out there-"
"probably a few lads, too," John put in. Paul threatened John in his gaze, which lead John to snicker.
"- and we must stop it! So what can we do?!"
"Um..lads? I think I've stumbled across something interesting. You know that Cruise guy you were talking about? well, I think I 'ave found 'im," Ringo spoke up. the room grew quiet.
"HOW?!?!" Paul asked incredulously.
"'Ere on HBO!!!! Some movie is going to be on!! Eyes Wide Shut, or something. It's like a Tom Cruise marathon!!" Well, our Beatley heroes couldn't believe their luck. With their eyes glued to the cheap, color television set, the watched hungrily for a trace of some clue to his presence. Although they were soon disgusted.
"GOOD GOD!!!! They PAY people to do that?!" Ringo asked.
"Oh, I can't watch this! Oh this is just wrong....I 'ave no problem doing....that...but I can't watch OTHER people do it!" George said, hiding his eyes.
"Who is the blonde bird? She's not too bad looking," John commented.
"I think 'er name is Nicole Kidman or something," Ringo said. "That's what it said at the beginning of the movie." Paul just stared with renewed enthusiasm.
"Well watching this is not going to get us anywhere," George commented. He got up and walked around the room, holding his ears.
"No, sit down, George, it's entertaining," John said, his monotonous voice nearly above a whisper.
"You people disgust me! I am not watching this!!" Ringo declared, getting up. He went in the back to plan with George. If anything, at least they could get something done.
"There has got to be some intelligent way to stop all this madness!!" George said.
"What, you mean Paul and John jacking off over there?" Ringo asked. George gasped, appalled.
"NOOOO!!! I mean with the boyband stuff!! Maybe we could challenge them to a...battle of the bands!!" George said.
" I vote we beat them all with REALLY REALLY big sticks," Ringo put in.
"Well, yes, but that will come later. We have to convince the public they 'ave no talent at all, which will not be an easy task. But I am up to it, are you?" George asked.
"YEAH I am. John, Paul, are you up to it?"
"suuuuuuuuure," Paul said.
"Oh good God," Ringo got up and clicked the television off.
"Come on, we've got to get things accomplished!" John got up mumbling obscenities at Ringo, but Ringo just smiled jovially.
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"So you are saying that we take out each boyband one at a time?" Paul asked, taking a drag on one of his last cigarettes.
Something like that. It's getting late and you are getting delirious. Just trust me. If all goes well, we could just obliterate the fact that boybands even exists...forever."