"LOOK!" John shouted loudly, pointing. "SOMEBODY IS MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTERING A CUCUMBER FOR CUCUMBER SALAD! QUICK! GO SAVE IT!!!" The croud, brainwashed by Cruise to save cucumbers from merciless slaughter for cucumber salad, ran in the other direction. Paul walked up to John and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Good thinking, mate."
*~~*~~*~~*
"I'm bored," George complained, looking to the west at the setting sun. They'd been walking around for hours in the hot sunlight.
"Can we do something fun tonight?" Ringo asked.
"We'll go to a bar or something." George clapped his hands excitedly.
"A Bar?!?! Oh YIPPEE!!! Bars are VERY entertaining places!!"
They walked about an hour longer, until the sun was no longer visible, and the stars were high in the sky.
"Let's go here," Paul said, pointing at a very posh looking place.
"No, let's go HERE!" John said, pointing in the direction of a not so posh place.
"John, are you sure? I am not sure that that place," Paul said, glancing at the moldy brick wall.
"Nah, it'll be great!"
"Well, okay, but let's go incognito." John sighed.
"Oh alright. Come 'ead then." They walked into the club. The inside was smokey and its aroma was stale.
"Ooooh!!! John!! It's a kareoke bar!!" Ringo said excitedly.
"Way to state the obvious, Ringo," Paul said unhappily. There was a drunkard doing a quaint little jig on a table in the center of the room.
"MMMBOP BADIPPY DO BOO DOP BA DOO BE DOP BA!!!!" He sang enthusiastically.
"What the hell is this shit?" George asked, his eyebrows wrinkled in disgust.
"I dunno. Come on, I want to sing," said John a little too excitedly. They sat down at a table and ordered drinks. They watched a few more trudge up and sing some crazy songs. When John had finished his 3rd beer, he decided it was prime time to take a solo.
"Oh Lord, what does he have in mind?" Paul asked, rolling his eyes. As soon as the alcohol-happy man stepped off the table, John was quick to get up.
"Whass yer name, Sailor?" Someone yelled from the background.
"Er...MR. OOH LA LA!!" John yelled, sticking to Paul's incognito suggestion. Paul sat down at a table and banged his head a few times for having such a dumb ass as a bandmate and friend.
"Preference in song, Sailor?" John shook his head, and was then told to just "watch the monitor." A strange song came on the speakers, and the crowd started cheering. John shrugged his shoulders and began to sing the lyrics that scrolled across the screen.
"Ooh that dress so scandalous
You know another ***** can't handle it
So you shakin that thang like who's the ish
With a look in yer eyes so devilish
Uh "
"What the hell is this song?"? John thought, shaking a little to the catchy beat. Ringo gave him two thumbs up, and he continued with the song.
You like to dance on the hip hop spots
And you cruise to grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban she like the pop
'Cause she was Livin' La Vida Loca
"Livin La WHAT?!" He thought, getting a little more into the song.
"She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt
I think i'll sing it again
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong
"THONG?!?!" He sang the last note, a little surprise edging his voice. He decided that he liked this song.
I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show
Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong
"Oh My GOD!" John yelled into the microphone, laughing wildly as he finished the song. Paul's mouth was opened in a wide O. George and Ringo were cheering for their rhythm guitarist. George was quick to jump up next.
"Whass Yer name, sailor?" George, after having about 2 beers while John was up, (He's a quick one, isn't he?) was feeling quite giddy.
"Me name is Mr. Hips!!" He said enthusiastically.
"Preference in song?"
"Nah...gimme somethin' freaky," George said, not sure of his own words.
"You got it." He heard music come on the loud speakers.
"Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah," He read, wondering he had gotten himself into. "Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah."
I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby
"Oh My God....this is that nasty bird that looks like that backstreet boy!" George thought in his head, but the realization didn't click before the next verse came.
Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent
George looked over to see his mates laughing hysterically at him. He saw Ringo lean over and say something to John who just laughed harder. He smirked and starting doing a little table dance for the crowd, which made the girls holler. He was pelted with a bra, and he laughed and began the next verse.
You see my problem is this
I'm dreaming away
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist
I cry, watching the days
Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways
But to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Baby, oh
By this Time, George was about stripping to this completely ignorant song. He'd already taken off his top shirt.
"Oops I did it again!
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent
Well, George was having a hell of a time, and was sad to see that his song came to an end. The ladies sure enjoyed his performance. Someone else jumped up after he did and sang a heart wrenching version of some hard rock song. When he was finished, John and George grabbed Paul and pushed to the top of the table/stage.
"Whass yer name, sailor?"
"Umm..P-Mr. Buddhacon," he said, trying to pick a strange name to completely cover him.
"Song preference?"
"Something...interesting?" He asked with a small laugh barely audible. He heard the beginning notes of the song and began to sang the lyrics.
"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought me
and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want to you smothered, want you covered, like my
Waffle House hash browns
Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex like
Coca-Cola stock you are
inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time
"Oh....my...God..." Paul thought, struggling through the most obscene lyrics. His bandmates were rolling with laughter as he started the chorus.
"(do it now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(do it again now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(gettin' horny now)
Paul stood stiff and and sang. But, as the song progressed, his body began to loosen, and suddenly Paul was dancing like a mad fool on top of the table.
"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean, means "small craft
advisory"
So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battle ship
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time", you'll Lovett just like
Lyle
And then we'll do it doggie style so we can both watch X-Files
Paul finished the song with an uproar of fans "raising the roof." He smiled. Maybe the year 2000 wasn't such a bad thing.
5 people went by before Ringo could gather the courage to get up. He stepped meekly up to the table and looked out to the audience. They cheered, all pretty much on an alcohol high.
"My name is Mr. Big-Suitcase," He said to the crowd. They cheered at his strange name (For the love of GOD please don't e-mail me asking WHY his name is Mr. Big-suitcase! I don't know if I could tell you!!). He told the man that he wanted to sing an entertaining song. So, he put one on.
"Bye bye bye
I'm doing this tonight
You're probably gonna start a fight
I know this can't be right
Hey baby come on
I loved you endlessly
When you weren't there for me
So now it's time to leave and make it alone
"I'm singing a boy band song......eeeewwww!!" He thought to himself.
I know that I can't take no more
It aint no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Baby bye bye bye
Bye bye Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain't not lie
Baby bye bye bye
Bye bye
Don't wanna make it tough
I just wanna tell you that I've had enough
It might sound crazy but it ain't no lie
Baby bye bye bye
"This is the most repulsive song ever known to man!" Ringo thought, continuing on with his song.
You just hit me with the truth
Now girl you're more than welcome to
So give me one good reason
Baby come on
I've lived for you and me
And now I really come to see
That life would be much better once you're gone
Ringo continued to sing the song, and a jolly time was had by all. When he was finished, Mr. Buddhacon, Mr. Hips, Mr. Big Suitcase, and Mr. Ooh Là Là walked out the door, stumbling over eachother. It was 3 in the morning, and they had work to do, but no where in which to do it, when suddenly, they were lured to over to someone who looked strangely alert in the early morning hours.
"Who in bloody 'ell are you?" John asked, a drunken smile painted across his handsome face.
"I am Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise's wife...you've got to help me control him...he's on some strange cucumber kick, and he's after you!!"
***section 2 starts here***
The Beatles were a little skeptical at first, but then they realized that Nicole Kidman was just the scared wife of a crazed Cucumber junkie.
"Well...maybe you can join our crusade to stop him and all boybands!" George said, shaking a fist in the air violently. John raised his eyebrows at his passionate little friend, and turned to Nicole.
"Where you staying at?" He asked her, hoping to get off the street for the night.
"I am staying at my friend Doris's house. She lives in an apartment above a large aquarium."
"An...aquarium?" Paul asked.
"Yes. She owns it. She won't mind if I bring you in. We can plan strategic warfare in there anyway. Very secret place. Come on, I'll show you." The fair skinned woman lead them a couple of blocks down to a large building which was indeed an aquarium.
"I'd take you home, but Tom has so many cucumber plants that the house is twisted with vines and the landscaping looks terrible. He won't come home at night...it's terrible." She sniffed. "Someday he will get over this crazy obsession..some day." Ringo stayed quiet the whole time....he was afraid of this woman. He smelled trouble.
"PAUL!!!!! Dolphins!!!" George cried with glee when they reached the aquarium. Nicole went upstairs to talk with Doris about their arrival, and the four stayed down to watch the Dolphins.
"Wow...I've never seen real Dol-wait a minute, what are they doing?" John asked, staring up at them.
"Well, I don't know, but it looks like they are-"
"They are," Ringo interrupted George.
"They ARE?" he asked incredulously.
"Oh, they definately are."
"How do YOU know they are?" John asked.
"I did a report on dolphins in school...and they definately are." John turned back to stare at the dolphins.
"Well I'll be God Damned."
Dolphins...that's so raunchy!"
"Believe it. They are. Dolphins are the only other mammals that have sex for fun." Paul shook his head.
"I am disturbed! I mean...these dolphins..they are..erotic!! They are PORNO DOLPHINS!!" Everyone was so taken with the erotic dolphins, that they didn't really notice all the lights had suddenly turned on.
"Do they make dolphin porno movies?" George asked.
"What kind of dumb ass would be turned on by 2 dolphins....or hell, 3 or 4 dolphins, getting down and dirty."
"Oh, I don't know," Paul said.
"HAHA, Beatle bitches!! I have you NOW!!!!" Nicole Kidman yelled, dressing it with evil laughter.
Oh no, not again," Paul said as he watched Nicole unleash a giant cucumber. "There's only one way to fix her."
"Paul! You're not-"
"Of COURSE I'm not!" He took off in a mad run while Nicole laughed and talked to her husband on some kind of cordless phone. Paul got up there, taking her off guard, and picked her up. Then he hurled her into the dolphin tank. The dolphins, livid because their sensual time was interrupted, began poking her with their snouts. (I don't know what those long...mouth things are called on a dolphin..anyone else know?!)She tried beating them with her cucumber, but they kept poking her.
"Good work, Paul!!! Now...let's get down to business!"
"Stay tuned for Part 5, due sometime...within the next month (fingers crossed!!)
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