 I met reality. I reached into it... but with great hesitation... and looked. Not with my heart... but with my eyes. I saw you there and listened... with ears and mind... to what you were saying. Feelings were much more defined. The subtle sadness... which has forcefully been covered with fake smiles... was spilled all around. We've often been hesitant to talk... knowing how each word is evaluated. And my fear of rejection has brought silence many times when I was unable to speak. My heart prays that you have understood my silence... as I have yours. You have always been afraid of hurting me... just as I am afraid of being hurt. Now, sadness engulfs me in the reality that you will very soon be gone. I try to rejoice in the fact that you ever came at all... but I wonder how a heart so scarred can continue to beat. In this reality, it is obvious that you have avoided acknowledging my needs... my need to touch... and be touched... my need to love... and be loved. At times, you have even avoided my existence. Nature gives us needs... society gives us restrictions. In this realization of pain, I recall how many times I have avoided eyes that were reaching out to me... and now I know how bad they must have hurt. Life isn't supposed to hurt... not this much. I must be weak... selfish... insane...? We can offer all we have to give... but we can't force that someone to accept... rejection unavoidable. I have always loved my time alone with me... but reality has showed me that my ability to hurt myself is far greater than my ability to hurt others. I also realize that I have an overabundance of solitude... and somewhere along this journey, my solitude has turned to loneliness. What a tragedy in one's life when they give and give and give... the other one takes... and in your mind, you create the illusion of "sharing." We are all born with the need to share parts of ourself with someone... but this void can't be filled by one person reaching & reaching... but only when the two are willing to meet halfway. In reality, I see that your distance must have been too far to travel. Now... I lay here... absolutely still... eyes closed... mind clutched... almost without breathing. For today, for a very brief moment, I met reality... and today... for a very brief moment, I died. ©  ©Property of the author. Do not copy, edit, reproduce, etc. without permission.   Graphics By Sleepy Designs 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 |
