Newbie

NEWBIE

July 18 - I just tried to 
connect to America Online.  
I've heard  it is the best 
online service I can get.  
They even included a free 
disk!  I'd better hold onto 
it in case they don't ever 
send me anther one!  I can't 
connect.  I don't know what 
is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the 
tech support center says my 
computer needs a modem. I 
don't see why.  He's just 
trying to cheat me.  How 
dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem.  
I couldn't figure out where 
it goes.  It wouldn't fit in 
the monitor or the printer.  
I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the 
modem in and hooked up.  The 
nine year old next door did 
it for me.  But it still don't 
work.  I can't get online.

July 25 - That nine year old 
kid next door hooked me up to 
America Online. He's so smart.  
I told the kid he was a prodigy.  
But he says that's just another 
service.  What a modest kid.  
He's so smart and he does these 
services for people.  Anyway he's 
smarter then the jerks who sold 
me the modem. They didn't even 
tell me about communications 
software.  I Bet they didn't 
know.  And why do they put two 
telephone jack holes in the back 
of a modem when you only need 
one?  And why do they have one 
labeled phone when you are not 
suppose to hook it to the phone 
jack on the wall?  I thought 
the dial tone sounded funny!  
Boy, are modem makers dumb!  But 
the kid figured it out by the 
sound.

July 26 - What's the Internet?  
I thought I was on America Online, 
not this Internet thing.  I'm 
confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid 
next door showed me how to use 
this America Online stuff.  I 
told him he must be a genius.  
He says that he is compared to 
me.  Maybe he's not so modest 
after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat 
today.  I tried to talk into my 
computer but nothing happened.  
Maybe I need to buy a 
microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing 
called usenet. I got out of it 
because I'm connected to 
America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this 
usenet thing keep using capital 
letters.  How do they do that?  
I never figured out how to type 
capital letters.  Maybe they have 
a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER 
MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN 
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER 
KEY.  THE TECH SUPPORT GUY 
SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY.  
WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT?
I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD 
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE.  AND ONE 
OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME 
SIZE AS THE OTHER.  HE SAID 
THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I 
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD 
BUT ANOTHER BRAND.  I MUST HAVE 
HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT 
BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL 
THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO 
LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING 
CALLED THE USENET ORACLE.  IT 
SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY 
QUESTIONS I ASK IT.  I SENT IT 
44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE 
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS 
SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED 
REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST 
THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT 
CROSSED THE ROAD.  TO GET TO THE 
OTHER SIDE!  HA!  HA!  I WASN'T 
SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED 
IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT 
THE WORLD WIDE WEB.  I DID'T KNOW 
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED 
TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY.  GEEZ IT 
WAS RUDE.  I WAS SO ANGRY THAT 
I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE 
ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE.  
I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT 
SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO 
READ THE FAQ.  GEEZ THEY DIDN'T 
HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME 
TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY 
MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK.  
IM NOT SHOUTING!  IM NOT EVEN 
TALKING!  JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN 
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO 
ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock 
key if you're not suppose to use 
it?  Its probably an extra 
feature that costs more  money.

August 8 - I just read this post 
called make money fast.  I'm so 
excited.  I'm going to make lots 
of money.  I followed his 
instructions and posted it to 
every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature 
file. Its only 6 pages long.  I 
will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group 
called alt.aol.sucks.  I read a few 
posts and I really believe that aol 
should be wiped off the face of 
the earth.  I wonder what an aol 
is.

August 11 - I was asking where 
to find some information about 
something.  Some guy told 
me to check out ftp.netcom.com.  
I've looked and looked but I can't 
find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to 
every usenet group on the 
Internet asking where the 
ftp.netcom.com is.  Hopefully 
someone will help.  I can't 
ask the kid next door. His 
parents said that when he comes 
back from my house he's laughing 
so hard he can't eat or sleep 
or do his homework. So they wont 
let him come over anymore.  I do 
have a great sense of humor.  I 
don't know why the rec.humor group 
didn't like my chicken joke.  
Maybe they only like dirty stuff.  
Some people sent me posts about 
my 56 posts of the joke and 
they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post 
to every usenet group on the 
Internet asking where the ftp.
netcom.com is.  I had forgot 
yesterday to include my new 
signature file which is only 
8 pages long.  I know 
everyone will want to read 
my favorite poem so I 
included it.  I'm also going 
to add that short story I 
like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended 
my account because of what I 
was doing.  I told him I don't 
have an account at his bank.  
He's so dumb.