“Wassup, Nick? Can’t sleep?” Aaron had heard his brother go up top an hour or so earlier and never come back down. “What’s on your mind?”
“Ah, nothing really, Aaron. Just watching the water.”
“Nick, it’s dark. You can’t SEE the water.” Aaron said jokingly while sitting down next to his brother.
“Really, Aaron. It’s nothing. Not tired is all. So where we headed next?” Nick did not want to talk about what was really on his mind.
“Don’t know. But, we really don’t have the time to head much further up the coast. I guess it’s about time for us to turn around. Maybe we can get some diving in somewhere along the keys?” Aaron knew something else was bothering his brother, but had no idea what it was. ‘It couldn’t be that girl, could it?’ he thought to himself.
**Sigh** “Yeah, that sounds good. We both got studio time coming up, don’t we?” Nick knew they did. It just seemed neither of them ever got long enough breaks. He knew part of that was his own fault. He hated not doing something, but at the same time he wanted to rest, and you can’t do both at the same time.
“Is there something you need to talk about? I can listen.” Aaron wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not.
“Aaron, do you ever get lonely out there? I mean, I know Mom’s with you and stuff. And yeah, well I guess you’re kinda young. But do you? **Sigh** Never mind, I’m just tired I guess.” Aaron wouldn’t have the first clue as to what he was talking about anyway.
“It’s like, sometimes, no matter how many people you have around you, you still feel alone. Like there really is no one there that actually HEARS you.” ‘Nick must really be feeling down right now. I wonder what brought this on?’ When Aaron looked up Nick was looking at him with a strange look, a look of almost astonishment.
“Yeah, that’s it exactly. I mean, even with the fellas and stuff, you know, sometimes I just feel so **sigh** alone.” What in the hell brought this on tonight, Nick thought to himself as he leaned over and raked his fingers through his hair before resting his forehead in his hands? “I don’t know. Why’s everything gotta be so hard all the time?” Why am I asking Aaron these questions?
“I don’t know, Nick. I wonder that many times myself. I don’t think anyone ever really knows.” Aaron leaned over and rested his head on Nick’s shoulder. “I know it’s not much help, not the help you’re looking for, but I’m here. No matter where we are in the world, Nick, I’m here.”
Nick reached around with one arm to pull his brother in a hug, “I know, Aaron, I know you are. I’m here for you too. And it’s not that you’re not what I need or what I’m looking for. You’re my brother for goodness sakes. It’s just that there is something else missing. Isn’t that funny. We have so much in our lives, but with all we have, there is still something missing. And I don’t even know what it is or how to find it.” There were no tears, just a heaviness inside him. Earlier things were so light, so fun. He and Aaron had a blast with Kristyne. Even though she recognized him she didn’t let on. She just let him be normal for a change. Why was he so, what’d she call it, maudlin?
The two brothers just sat there on the top bow of the boat each lost in their own thoughts as to what was missing in life and where it might actually be found.
“Nick? Did you hear something?” Aaron lifted his head. Things were so quiet with the nightlife of Cedar Key past closing hour. There weren’t even many boats at the dock.
They both were quiet again, though this time listening. Faintly, they did hear something. Had they been talking they wouldn’t have heard it. They both looked at each other as they realized what it was they were hearing. Both of them stood at the same time to walk down to the back of the boat.
“Should we both go?” Aaron asked. He wasn’t too sure either of them should go, but he could tell that Nick was going no matter what.
“Um. I don’t know. Let me go first, see what’s up. Ok?” Nick really felt that one of them would be more productive then two of them. Aaron just nodded and watched as his brother stepped off the boat and walked across the dock. “Kristyne?” Nick called. Immediately all was quiet. Nick stepped onto her boat. ‘Please don’t let me scare her.’ He silently prayed. “Kristyne? Is everything ok?” He asked as he walked further onto the boat towards the opening that led below. Of course the door was closed. ‘Then how did we hear her? I bet she had the skylights open, if the inside of her boat is similar to mine.’
Kristyne slowly opened the outer door to see Nick standing directly in front of her. She didn’t realize he was this close. “Sorry, um, didn’t mean to wake you, or bother you or anything. Just dreams, you know. I’m ok.” She hoped he couldn’t see her face. Surely her eyes were red and puffy.
Nick could still see tears sliding down her cheeks. It was definitely something more than just dreams. Funny how they all had such a great evening earlier on, and now they were all feeling down. “Shh, it’s ok. Wanna talk about it? Aaron and I couldn’t sleep either. We were just talking about things too.” He leaned back against the wall a little as he spoke softly to her. She’d been crying for awhile. Her eyes were puffy and her lips were swollen. “Come on, why don’t we go up top, and talk about it? It might help you feel better, help you get some rest.” He held out his hand hoping she’d take it. She did.
“Maybe. Maybe a little bit, if you don’t mind?” ‘He and Aaron were up? They were talking? I wonder what’s keeping them up? Maybe this will help us both?’ She was thinking as she followed him up to the bow and sat next to him on the bench seat. She had to smile a little too herself, he was wearing sweat pants. Watching him walk in front of her reminded her of the BK video where he was walking to the game room. How did she NOT recognize him immediately? Seriously, he and Aaron together, the boat, the craziness. Where was her mind that she just didn’t see it? That would be something to ponder another time. For now, she’d just let him be some Nick she met in Cedar Key instead of THE Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.
When they sat down Nick rested his arm along the back of the bench, right behind her. When she leaned back she could feel his arm along her shoulders. “So, Kris, what’s got you so upset? It’s not just dreams, is it?” Nothing like getting right to the point, he thought.
“Not really, dreams. Yeah, dreams, but more. I guess I’m just missing my parents a little more than usual tonight. Maybe feeling a little more alone than usual.” Did he really want to hear all this?
“Don’t you have other family? Brothers or sisters, maybe?” She couldn’t be completely alone. That’d be awful. He couldn’t even imagine such a thing. And he though HE was feeling lonely.
“No, I was an only child. Not that they didn’t want more, it just never happened. I have a cousin on my mom’s side; we were close growing up. But, he has his own life now, you know. He’s married has kids of his own. On my dad’s side I have lots of cousins, but they are all so much older than I am. I never got to know them much, never really spent any time with them. So, they really are like strangers, my aunts and uncles on that side of the family too.” She had to stop for a minute. Still not sure he really wanted to listen to her, maybe he was just being polite, and was hoping that she wouldn’t talk about it. She looked up at him to find his gaze very intently studying her. Or maybe he was interested.
“Go on. I wouldn’t have come over and asked if I wasn’t prepared to listen and talk.” Nick sensed her apprehension and wanted to reassure her he was there to listen to what ever she had to say. Maybe they both could listen to each other. She seemed like the type who would, someone he could really talk to like he did with Aaron.
“Well, I have a best friend. We’ve know each other for 26 years.” She saw his eyes grow a little. “We were 5 when we met, kindergarten. We keep in touch. But again, she has a husband and 3 kids of her own. I’ve just been so busy doing what I thought I needed to do to be happy I never really stopped to think about what happiness was. So, here I a.m., 31, in Cedar Key, on my boat, crying to some stranger that my life has passed me by. You know, I did all these things to make my parents proud of me, and now they aren’t here for me to share my success with them. I spent so much time focusing on where I was going I never bothered to wonder who I was going to be with when I got there. What’s the point of success if you don’t have people you love near you to share it with? There’s no happiness in that.” Now she really had to stop. Her throat was burning and so tight from trying to keep from crying, but it was no use, the tears were falling anyway.
Nick knew just what she was feeling. That was part of what was eating at him earlier. He couldn’t stand to just sit there and watch her cry, hugging herself, feeling alone. Taking his arm that was behind her he pulled her into a hug. When he did she immediately hugged him back and he could feel her shoulders shaking from her sobs. Lying his cheek on top of her head he allowed a few tears of his own to fall in the darkness. Yes, he knew all too well what she was feeling. True, he still had a family that loved him; maybe he didn’t understand that part of what she was feeling. But the part about success and not having someone to share it with, and feeling so alone out in the world, yeah, he understood that. Maybe that is what he meant when he was talking to Aaron. What was missing was really that someone who heard you and saw you for who you really were, that special someone to share in your success and happiness. He hadn’t really thought about WANTING someone to share personal things with in a long time. He just figured, maybe he wasn’t meant to have anyone, at least not right now. He was still young, he had thought, he thought he had plenty of time. Not that Kristyne was old, but she obviously felt she was. And she obviously felt that at this point in her life any chance she could have had at finding someone had already passed her by. Nick didn’t want to ever feel that way. He didn’t want her feeling that way either. People find love at all different ages.
Rocking back and forth with her, he began to smooth her hair down her back. “I know, Kristyne. I mean, I understand at least some of what you are saying. I can’t even begin to imagine not having a family close by. As crazy, and at times, fucked up as my family can and has been, at least I still have them. But sometimes it just gets so lonely. The world is so big at times, and I feel so small and insignificant, l don’t think anyone is ever gonna see me or find me.”
He could feel her nodding her head into his chest. He wondered if she knew how alone he had been feeling earlier. He wondered if she knew he was crying right along with her, something he didn’t do very often around people.
“I’ve been so busy for so long, I don’t even really know how to just stop and be. Something is always going on in my head; my next project, next song, where am I flying to today, what else can I do to prove myself.” He remembered thinking about being torn between wanting to rest and the need to always be doing something when he was on his boat earlier talking to Aaron. “I don’t even know anymore what I’m trying to prove, and to who. And does it even matter? Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just do what makes me happy instead of what everyone else around me is telling me I should be doing. But then, I stop and think, what is it that WOULD make me completely happy, and is there even such a thing?” He stopped for a second. He hadn’t even realized he had brought his hand up and tangled it in the back of her hair at her neck. God, it had been so long since someone just let him talk. She just sat there letting him hold her, the both of them letting their pain out. Sometimes it really was easier opening up to a stranger; someone removed and detached from your immediate situation.
In his mind he wondered how they had found each other here tonight. He commented on that thought. “Its kind of funny. Not to change the subject, but here we are, both of us hurting inside, both of us hurting for so long and needing someone to open up to. There are so many similarities between us, and somehow we managed to find each other. Literally ‘bump’ into each other, maybe when we were nearing our respective breaking points. Sometimes this world seems so very big, but then you think about something like this, and realize at times, it can also be very small. The world is full of so many opposites, so many ironies, it’s a wonder any of us manage to keep our sanity at all.” After that his mind began to wander to all sorts of things, many of them ultimately leading back to the series of events that lead to he and Kristyne meeting. The whole time, though, he never let go of her. He could still feel her crying, feel the tears through his shirt, but her shaking sobs had stopped.
“How does anyone ever find someone in the middle of all this?” She asked, knowing there would be no answer coming. “I’m glad you have your family, Nick. I’m glad that even with your lifestyle, with the craziness that I know has to follow you all over the place, you all still manage to BE a family. I’ve tried so hard to just let you just be tonight, but I have to say something.” I hope he doesn’t mind, she thought. I don’t want him to close up. We can help each other through, at least for tonight. Maybe somewhere down the road, he is still young enough, somewhere he will find someone to help him again, help for a longer time, maybe forever.
“I’ve watched you with Aaron, with your dad, even your mom at times, and it makes me happy you have them. I know now I should have made the time to spend with my parents, like the time you make to spend with yours. I also know that family, as important as it is, does not complete our lives, our, meaning practically everyone on the planet. We all need something more, someone more. With me, I just never took the time to look, never allowed the time or took a chance. I just assumed that eventually it would happen. Now, even if it does, I don’t have a family to share that with. Maybe I shouldn’t complain about it. I don’t know. I can only imagine though, with you it is probably even harder.” She could feel him slightly nod his head. He was still with her. “Trust is a big issue in my life, but I imagine it has to be even a bigger one in yours.” Again he nodded his head, this time a little more pronounced, and his arms tightened around her. Even in her own sorrow her heart went out to him. He was so young to have witnessed as much of life as he had, so much of that the uglier things in life. She could only imagine the pain he felt at knowing so many of the people that came and went in his life were only using him for their own gain because of who he was or what he could do for them. How can you ever trust anyone if all you have ever known, or at least known for over half your life has been lies and manipulation? Not knowing what more to say to him all she could think to do was rub her hands up and down his back. She knew he was crying too, knew he had been for awhile.
Barely in a whisper, “It will still happen for you, Kristyne. You have plenty of time. You’ve realized, at least, some of what you need in your life. That is the first step, maybe the biggest. Hold on to your friendship with that girl.” He stopped for a second as she supplied the name.
“Katherine”
“Katherine. I’m sure, even in her own lifestyle she values your friendship as much as you do hers. Friendship like that is something very rare. Keep in touch with your cousin, too. It may not be the same as when you two were younger, but it is family. And besides, life never stays the same, things are always changing, sometimes for the good, and sometimes not so good.” He could feel her hands up and down his back and felt comfort in it. Keeping his one hand in her hair, he too began to rub her back.
He laughed a little to himself. Who would have thought he would have ever found comfort in a complete and total stranger, a woman, and a fan to boot? Yet, strangely that is exactly what he felt, he even felt a little bit of that trust he had such a hard time with. Maybe it was because she had been so open and trusting with him in the first place. Maybe it was because she had asked for nothing from him the entire night, even though she knew who he was. Maybe there really were people out there that it was safe to let in some, safe to trust. Maybe he could have a little hope after all.
Both sat there holding each other. They had stopped rocking back and forth, and eventually they both stopped crying. However, both were reluctant to let go. They didn’t want the comfort and strength they had found in each other to end, not yet. For how long would it be before either of them found those things again? Nick felt her hands slowly stop rubbing his back and her breathing deepen. He smiled as he realized she had fallen asleep. Carefully sliding one arm under her legs he lifted her into his arms as he stood. The tricky part would be walking down along the side of the cabin with her like that, and not wake her.
Half way down he heard Aaron’s voice, “Nick? Everything ok?” It wasn’t loud, thank goodness.
“Yeah, Aaron” Nick whispered. “Things are better. She’s asleep. I’ll be right there, ok?” Nick continued still whispering. Heading down below he wasn’t quite sure of the layout of her cabin, was it similar to his? Of course, it’s not THAT big of a boat, so it didn’t really take but a few seconds to figure out where to take her. Gently he lay her down on the bed and pulled the covers up over her. Looking up he realized, indeed the skylights were open just as he had thought earlier. Looking back down he could still see traces of moisture on her cheeks, remnants from her tears. Softly he brushed them away before leaning down and giving her a soft kiss on her cheek. “Sweet dreams. I hope you have sweet dreams.” She smiled in her sleep and turned over on her side. Nick made sure lock and pull the outer door completely shut behind him.
Finally back on his boat he found Aaron stretched out along the backbench. “Everything ok? You two talked for a long time.” Aaron was tired but wanted to know what was up.
“Everything will be fine. I guess we were all just feeling similar things tonight. It’s gotta be hard for her not having family. I think that is what got to her mostly tonight. But, we both understood where the other was coming from.” Nick explained as he pushed Aaron’s legs off the bench to make room so he could sit.
“You talked to her too? About what you were talking about to me earlier?” Aaron asked wide-eyed. Now that surprised him.
“Yeah. I don’t know why. It just felt right. Sometimes, I guess, you just have to take a chance and trust people, you know. And she seemed like a safe enough person to trust, someone who was feeling some of the same things I feel a lot of the time.” Nick kept going over the conversation in his head and it actually helped him feel less alone. At least he knew, really knew that he wasn’t alone in how he felt. And that was something, a start. “I don’t know about you AC, but I’m kinda tired. What’d ya say we get some sleep before the sun comes up?”
Aaron nodded as he stood up. He knew his brother had probably opened up a lot more than what he was letting on, and that made him happy. “Night, Nick. Sweet dreams, bro.”
“You too, Aaron, you too.” And both brothers disappeared below deck to get some much-needed sleep.
When Nick woke the next morning the sun was shining directly overhead, right through the skylights. It was early afternoon, he and probably Aaron too, had slept late. He felt both drained and refreshed from the night before, from his conversation with Kristyne. Getting up he decided to check on Aaron, who he found still asleep. ‘That’s fine, let him sleep. We don’t get to have our own sleep schedule that often.’ Not really hungry yet, surprisingly, he figured he’d wander up on deck and see if Kristyne was up and stirring. ‘She’s probably still asleep too.’
Standing at the back of his boat, looking over the wooden walkway of the dock all he could do was blink, first once, then twice. Her boat was gone. She was gone. Nick managed to make his legs move and find his way over the bench at the back of the boat. He couldn’t believe she was gone. He couldn’t believe he slept so soundly he never even heard her boat start up and pull away. He couldn’t believe that she would just get up and leave like that, so early without even saying goodbye.
‘What were you expecting, Nick? For her to follow you around for the rest of your vacation?’ He laughed at his thought. It was absurd, yet somewhere in the back of his mind he acknowledged that, yeah, that was what he was kind of hoping. After all, he an Aaron were turning around to head back south down the coast, and Kristyne was heading in that direction too. ‘Maybe it’s better this way.’ He thought. ‘Maybe we were only meant to help each other through a rough time and then go our separate ways. Who knows what is ever really meant to happen in this world?’ Standing, Nick found his way to the top of the boat and sat on the bench up there. Looking out over the water he soon realized he was looking for any sign of her boat. He also realized he didn’t even know the name of her boat to try and contact her by radio. ‘Yes, maybe it was just meant to be this way.’
Sometime later, he didn’t really know how long, Aaron finally appeared up on deck. “She’s gone, huh?” He asked.
“Yup.” Was all that Nick answered.
“Did she say goodbye, or was she gone when you woke up?” He asked even though he was sure of the answer.
“She was gone.” Nick sighed then finally looked over to his brother. “You hungry? It’s after noon, why don’t we get some lunch before we head out?” Food would wake him up, so would a pot of coffee.
“Sounds good to me. I’ll go get dressed and we can go.” Aaron hoped getting something to eat and some coffee would help his brother. Maybe it was better that she was gone, but then again, maybe not. He wasn’t mad at her for leaving without saying goodbye; maybe it would have just made things harder. As he was walking back down the side to go into the cabin Aaron saw something out of the corner of his eyes. There was a piece of paper taped to steering wheel. “Nick, I think she left a note.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he heard his brother stand and quickly make his way down the side.
“Where?” Nick asked looking around. Before Aaron could answer he saw the paper. Sitting down at the captain’s chair he opened the note and read her short goodbye. Aaron- -Kristyne Nick- Nick refolded the note and started to head back below deck. “Come on Aaron. Let’s get something to eat.” Karina c2002
Thanks for such a fun evening. It’s been a long time since I’ve just joked and played around like that. Take care of your brother. Take care of yourself.
As much as I wanted to tell you goodbye in person I didn’t want to wake you. I also knew saying goodbye in person would be so much harder. Please forgive me. Maybe, if we were able to find each other last night when we both needed someone so much, just maybe we aren’t really alone out here. Just maybe I can hope. Maybe you can, too. Thank you for holding me and letting me cry things out. Thank you for sharing with me too, both your fears and your tears, they are both safe with me. Besides, no one would be interested in just some nice stranger named Nick that I met at Cedar Key, anyway. Who knows, if we found each other once, maybe someday there will be a reason for us to find each other again. But, if not, I wish you only the best, you deserve it. Thank you for both the talk and laughs. Take care of Aaron. Take care of yourself.
-Kristyne
