I created this website as a parody of www.ready.gov, which is a government site that is supposed to help American citizens prepare against terrorist attacks. I took their images and added my own captions. Read it and let me know what you think! - JBHello to all you Wayland folks that have meandered over here! I understand the site is popular at Wayland High, where my representative Jay has been busily promoting this piece of work. I wanted to thank you guys for your readership, and to alert you that NEW MATERIAL IS ON THE WAY!!! Keep checking the site, and when I get some spare time I'll post the first of several updates to come...I am also considering having some T-shirts made, at the request of several of you folks. If you would be willing to purchase one (for a decent price) please tell Jay and he will pass it along. If enough interest is generated we will get some shirts going! Oh, and Sam: it's not Jay's site. ;-) -JB
Yearly update to keep the site online - JB
To kill the terrorists, don't let them drink water.
You, on the other hand, should drink and eat. Or else you'll die too.
If terrorists attack, one helpful idea is to make a checklist where all the options are blank, then go around doing nothing and giving yourself checkoffs.
To keep yourself safe, store all prescription medications in unmarked containers. This will help you to kill the children in your household, since they could be harboring terrorists.
In case of terror, use only phones with large "L"s instead of buttons.
Avoid buildings with giant doors, as these may be terrorist targets.
Giant terrorists may break down giant doors with crotch rays.
If a nuclear explosion occurs, you may go blind and swerve off the road.
Pull this lever to turn your car around in a really cool manner. This will confuse Al Qaeda.
If the Phone Company mistakenly installs a telephone pole through the hood of your car, go ahead and drive around. Be mindful of loose wires, though, as they could represent a terrorist threat.
It is necessary to cup one's hand to one's ear to hear terrorism announcements, even if the radio is 6 inches from head.
Apparently, you are only allowed to exit this room in an emergency.
If there are two exits to a room, you could theoretically exit through either of them. Terrorists probably won't realize this. Also, if you choose to use Exit 2, you must run around the perimeter of the room before leaving.
Be sure to position your head below the pointiest piece of falling debris.
Terrorists could hide in filing cabinets, so destroy all of yours immediately.
If you are ugly, shield your face when passing near windows. This will prevent a panic on the streets below, which could otherwise be construed as a terror attack.
This radio not only makes you want to run, but it is also capable of teleporting people from below their desks to other locations.
In case of organ failure, stand near a cool-looking illustration of a molecule.
There are three pharmacies in the entire nation, and all of them are in Missouri.
These are some things with which you could beat an invading terrorist to death.
Fallout shelters are useless, because radioactive terror cubes will follow you down the stairs.
Consider moving away from explosions.
In case of terror attacks, expose your face to radiation for five minutes and twelve seconds.
If someone sprays biohazardous material on you, be sure to stand and ponder the inherent danger for a moment.
Terror attacks will kill animals, too. Dispose of dead pigeons and fish through this convenient space-time vortex.
If you see a disembodied eye floating above you, it may be a terrorist bioweapon. If a rash results, be sure to rub your hands together to spread the infection.
Avoid storing your dynamite near your weapons-grade Uranium.
If terrorists assault America, pretend you are a doctor. That way, people will give up their emergency rations for you, thinking that you can cure them of radiation poisoning.
Avoid igniting your sleeve, and then running around for a while.
Avoid getting on all fours, as distant terrorists may attempt to rape you. If this happens to you, curl up into the fetal position and roll around to deny the towelhead access to you.
Only bald, ugly people may yell in an emergency. All others must use special Terror Whistles.
If your leg is trapped by debris and you are going to die, use your Emergency Laser to melt the supporting rubble, which will cause a big slab of concrete to crush you to death. At least you won't fall into the hands of the TERRORISTS!
In case of terror attacks, do not drink excessively, or you may vomit these three colors.
Exercise caution of you see piles of animal carcasses lying on top of big "NO" symbols. These could be terrorist traps.
If an area near you becomes contaminated, you're fucked, because the shelter has no entrance.
In case of a biological attack, let this medic fondle your breasts in front of his yurt.
Terrorists may attempt to mask their faces with rags, but you can identify them due to their lack of pupils.
If the exit door is stuck, administer a karate-chop in one of these three locations to open.
Texas is radioactive. Don't mess with Texas.
Which one doesn't belong with the others? You can also use this simple test to separate terrorists from your friends.
