Proper Plane Safety Education

Addition #1 of at least 3. I lifted this safety card from a Boeing 767 on the way to Spain this month; plane safety cards just beg to be made fun of! Hope you guys like it as much as the original! -JB

Only the PBS logo can use Oxygen on this plane.

Beware of ceiling octopus.

If our incompetent ticket agents seat you next to some huge fat guy who just ate some 3-bean salad, we suggest wearing this gas mask.

Hey, this window is dirty!

Please do not bring infernos or floods onto the aircraft. Such items will have to be checked.

Please do not stand until the captain has illuminated the bigass "OK" sign.

If you are Superwoman, please refrain from staring at the windows, as your laser vision could melt through the glass.

Please secure your own mask before aiding the horrifically deformed midget next to you.

Gambit should refrain from touching the smoke detectors (that's for you, Bert.).

Get a strong person to pull-start the life rafts.

At Continental, we try to look on the fun side of mass casualties, so we have included this fun inflatable plane slide for use after crashes!

The Blue Man Group is not permitted on this aircraft.

WHEEEEE!!!

In case we hit the water at 500 knots, your seat cushion can be used as a corpse locator... I mean, a FLOTATION DEVICE!

If you are smuggling heroin, a hiding pouch is located under the seat for your convenience.

Pull this tab to activate the Electronic Locator System. While you're in the water.

Pull yellow tabs to induce instant wedgie.

If one of your raftmates is pissing you off, throw him overboard and cut his lifeline. That'll teach him.

This aircraft is equipped with Boeing's new "Phantom Tray" system, but it is only available to persons with 80s hair and ridiculous cowboy boots.

If we are going to crash into a mountain, we will only lower the rear wheels, so the plane will pivot nose-down into the ground and reduce our survival chances to zero.

The productive thing to do in an emergency is to put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

For a challenging game, try breast-feeding your infant in a plane crash.

Thanks to new anti-terrorism bills, no luggage of any kind will be allowed on this aircraft, especially when the Terror Alerts are Orange or higher.

Be cautious of spilled oil. That stuff is slick!

Please refrain from chatting with OJ Simpson. He's there to work, not to entertain you.