<html> <body> <head> <title>The UPDATE!</title> </head> <h1 align="center">Proper Plane Safety Education</h1> <blockquote><b>Addition #1 of at least 3. I lifted this safety card from a Boeing 767 on the way to Spain this month; plane safety cards just beg to be made fun of! Hope you guys like it as much as the original! -JB</b></blockquote> <p><img src="safe01.jpg" align="center">Only the PBS logo can use Oxygen on this plane.</img> <p><img src="safe02.jpg" align="center">Beware of ceiling octopus.</img> <p><img src="safe03.jpg" align="center">If our incompetent ticket agents seat you next to some huge fat guy who just ate some 3-bean salad, we suggest wearing this gas mask.</img> <p><img src="safe04.jpg" align="center">Hey, this window is dirty!</img> <p><img src="safe05.jpg" align="center">Please do not bring infernos or floods onto the aircraft. Such items will have to be checked.</img> <p><img src="safe06.jpg" align="center">Please do not stand until the captain has illuminated the bigass "OK" sign.</img> <p><img src="safe07.jpg" align="center">If you are Superwoman, please refrain from staring at the windows, as your laser vision could melt through the glass.</img> <p><img src="safe08.jpg" align="center">Please secure your own mask before aiding the horrifically deformed midget next to you.</img> <p><img src="safe09.jpg" align="center">Gambit should refrain from touching the smoke detectors (that's for you, Bert.).</img> <p><img src="safe10.jpg" align="center">Get a strong person to pull-start the life rafts.</img> <p><img src="safe11.jpg" align="center">At Continental, we try to look on the fun side of mass casualties, so we have included this fun inflatable plane slide for use after crashes!</img> <p><img src="safe12.jpg" align="center">The Blue Man Group is not permitted on this aircraft.</img> <p><img src="safe13.jpg" align="center">WHEEEEE!!!</img> <p><img src="safe14.jpg" align="center">In case we hit the water at 500 knots, your seat cushion can be used as a corpse locator... I mean, a FLOTATION DEVICE!</img> <p><img src="safe15.jpg" align="center">If you are smuggling heroin, a hiding pouch is located under the seat for your convenience.</img> <p><img src="safe16.jpg" align="center">Pull this tab to activate the <u>Electronic</u> Locator System. <i>While you're in the water.</i></img> <p><img src="safe17.jpg" align="center">Pull yellow tabs to induce instant wedgie.</img> <p><img src="safe18.jpg" align="center">If one of your raftmates is pissing you off, throw him overboard and cut his lifeline. That'll teach him.</img> <p><img src="safe19.jpg" align="center">This aircraft is equipped with Boeing's new "Phantom Tray" system, but it is only available to persons with 80s hair and ridiculous cowboy boots.</img> <p><img src="safe20.jpg" align="center">If we are going to crash into a mountain, we will only lower the rear wheels, so the plane will pivot nose-down into the ground and reduce our survival chances to zero.</img> <p><img src="safe21.jpg" align="center">The productive thing to do in an emergency is to put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.</img> <p><img src="safe22.jpg" align="center">For a challenging game, try breast-feeding your infant in a plane crash.</img> <p><img src="safe23.jpg" align="center">Thanks to new anti-terrorism bills, no luggage of any kind will be allowed on this aircraft, <i>especially</i> when the Terror Alerts are Orange or higher.</img> <p><img src="safe24.jpg" align="center">Be cautious of spilled oil. That stuff is slick!</img> <p><img src="safe25.jpg" align="center">Please refrain from chatting with OJ Simpson. He's there to work, not to entertain you.</img> <p> <img src="/cgi-bin/Count.cgi?C"> </body> </html>