A week later was Allison's funeral. Bella was out of the hospital and was constantly in my sight. I hadn't spoken much in the past week. The rest of my family flew home and the tour was postponed. Isaac and Zac were doting uncles. They loved Bella as though she was their own daughter instead of mine.
"Taylor?" A small voice asked from behind me. I was in the foyer of the church, Allison's coffin was inside the hall, up the front. I was trying to work up the nerve to walk in there. I turned around and saw Biannca standing behind me. Her eyes met mine, then were cast down to Bella who was craddled in my arms. She was fast asleep, oblivious to what was going on around her. I watched as Biannca's eyes filled up with tears as she saw Allison's, her best friends daughter for the first time.
"Hi Biannca" I said. She looked up at my face and sniffed.
"She's beautiful Tay"
"Thankyou... when they're open, you can see that she has Ally's eyes"
"Really?" Biannca asked.
"Yup". Allison had had deep green eyes with a ring of gold around her iris's. Biannca smiled a little.
"How are you doing?" She asked. I shrugged.
"Not so great... we got married you know" I said. Biannca nodded.
"I know, Allison told me... we were getting back on track. The night she went into labour, we'd arranged to go shopping the next day for baby things. I was gonna throw her a surprise baby shower to let her know how sorry I am for everything... but... " Biannca stopped herself and brought a hand up to her mouth as tears spilled from her eyes down her cheeks. I stepped forward and wrapped one arm around her in a hug, being careful of the baby. Biannca started to sob, I felt her shoulders heaving up and down. "I'm sorry Tay... you don't need to be comforting me... it should be the other way round"
"No, you were her best friend. You knew Allison a lot longer than I did. You loved her as much as I did... do" I corrected myself.
"I know, but she was your wife Tay, you had a connection with her that I never had. God, I miss her so much... when I think of all that precious time we wasted fighting. She called me first and said she wanted to be friends again. I jumped at the chance and we had a big tearful reunion" Biannca said, stepping away from me. She looked down at Bella again.
"Do you want to hold her?" I asked, knowing she did. Biannca nodded.
"Please" she said, gently taking Bella from my arms. Her eyes welled up again while she gazed down at the tiny person she held. "Do you want to go in?" She asked. I looked behind me through the doors and saw Allison's coffin. Most of the people were seated already. The service wasn't due to start for another ten minutes. Slowly, I sighed and nodded. We walked in together and I saw my family seated up the front. Evylen was sitting next to my mother, then my father. There was space for two more people. Isaac, Jenna and Zac were sitting in behind my parents. "Here, you want her back?" Biannca asked.
"It's okay, you can hold her. It feels like you're holding Allison in a way doesn't it?" I asked as we walked down the isle. Biannca nodded.
"Yeah, you're right" She said. She stopped at a pew near the front and started to sit down.
"What are you doing? Biannca, you have to sit with me. I'm gonna need you up there with me. I can't go through this alone" I said, taking hold of her arm. She looked me in the eyes.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I still love you to Biannca, you know that right?" I asked. Biannca nodded.
"I still love you Tay" She said as we went down to my family. I tried to keep my eyes away from Allison's coffin, but it was difficult. I murmured greetings to Evylen and my family before sitting down next to my father. Zac leaned over and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Hey"
"Hey"
"How you holding up?"
"As well as can be expected bro" I said, turning to look at him. To my surprise, his eyes were red, as if he'd been crying. "Are you okay?" I asked. Zac nodded.
"Me?, yeah... sure... I'm fine... I guess" He said. He looked over and saw Biannca holding Bella.
"Hey Biannca... "
"Hi Zac"
"How are you?"
"Okay I think... how are you?"
"Okay" Zac replied before sitting back. I greeted Isaac and Jenna and then turned my attention to Biannca, who was placing Bella back in my arms.
"I need to say goodbye" She said. I took Bella and watched as Biannca stood up and slowly walked over to the coffin, as many people were doing, to pay their last respects. The service went by in a blur for me. I spent most of it watching Bella, who slept though the whole thing.
"Hey Taylor..". I jumped. The service had been and gone and now friends and family had gathered at Evylens house for the wake. I had found myself a nice secluded section of the living room and stuck to it like glue. Bella safe and sound in my arms. Numerous times, my mother or brothers had asked if they could take Bella, give me some time alone, but I had refused. Having Bella with me was like Allison hadn't left me.
"Hi Jenna.". She sat down next to me on the sofa and looked down at Bella.
"Shes a gorgeous kid Tay..." I smiled.
"Yeah.. looks like her mother."
"You know... I'm here if you want to talk to someone outside the two families. I can imagine what you're going though. When Mom died... it was like my world had ended. But it gets eaiser.. the pain fades.. not completely.. but a little more each day.". Jennas Mother had passed away a year earlier from cancer.
"Thanks Jen... I can't talk about it yet.. but when I'm ready.. I know you'll be there.."
"Good then.. well... I'll leave you alone.. I'm sure thats all you want right now huh?". I nodded. She could read me like a book. She got up and walked away, leaving me alone once again.
"I wanta go back to see your Mom" I whispered to the sleeping baby. "I want your Mom to be here. I can hear her now. Telling us to cheer up, that it wont be long before you are driving us nuts like she did. Ahh Bella, your Mom was a character, I fell in love with her the minute I saw her. She was at one of our home shows, right there in the front row, singing along to every word. She wasn't screamin like all the other girls. I caught her eye and she smiled at me, just once and then went right back to singing and clapping." I said, smiling at the memory. "Do you want to see her room?.. yeah... come on, lets go see your Mom's room" I said, carefully standing up. Once in Allisons room, I shut the door and then turned around. Her presence was everywhere and an overwhelming sadness tookover. Everything was how she had left it. Her bed was still unmade, clothes litted the floor. Her desk was covered with papers and books, CD's were everywhere. A bright red envelope sitting on her bedside table caught my eye. "Whats that?" I asked, I looked down at Bella and saw she was awake and was staring at me. I grinned down at her and walked over to examine the envelope. My heart sank when I saw my name written on it in Allisons cursive handwriting. I picked it up and turned it over. The words "I Love You" were scrawled on the back. I smiled and sat down on the edge of her bed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Should I open this?" I asked my daughter. She just stared up at me and wriggled in my arms. I answered my own question by ripping open the envelope.
Dear Taylor,
If you're reading this, that means I didn't make it. Baby, I'm so sorry for not telling you about this... but how could I? You wouldn't have let me go through with the birth and you wouldn't have the pleasure of holding our beautiful baby girl in your arms. I wanted to take the risk, to give life to something you and I created during one night when we gave ourselves compeltely to each other, body and soul.
I can only imagine the pain you are feeling over my leaving you, my heart is breaking thinking about it, but you have to know that I'm still there in spirit... looking over your shoulder while you read this. I hope you found this yourself and I hope you are reading it by yourself. I'm going to miss you so much if I don't make it through... but I'll get to see you one last time before I go, just after I've given birth to our baby. I can imagine you now, a huge smile plastered on your face, tears of joy in your eyes as you gaze into mine, your cheeks flushed bright red while you try to massage all feeling back into your hand. Then you'll lean over and kiss me and tell me that we have a gorgeous baby daughter. I can't wait for that, for that look of overwhelming love in your eyes for me and our baby.
I'm so sorry for what I put you through in the beginning. Even though you weren't ready for this, I pushed you and pushed you until I finally had to make you come into the ultra sound. Yes, I did leave my purse in the car on purpose, because I knew you'd bring it in. I knew that if you heard her heart beat and saw her, you'd change your mind... about everything. I hope I, or our baby never gives you a reason to resent that I did it. I just wanted my baby to grow up with a Daddy who loves her. I never had that, and I wanted only the best for our little girl.
Please don't put your life on hold, or never fall in love again because of me. Honey, you can't go through life alone, and having our daughter with you wont be enough. You'll need someone else, maybe get married again when you're older. I can't believe you could be a widower at such a young age, I'm so sorry baby. I miss you already. I am scared, I'll admit that. The thought of not making it through terrifies me, especially if you're not there. I need you to be there. I want the last thing I see to be you, your eyes, nose, mouth... you.
I love you, and I'll always be with you, right there in your heart and memories. Everytime you hug our daughter, you'll be hugging me as well, and everytime you kiss her... you'll be kissing me to. Please don't let our daughter forget that her mother loves her, and always will love her.
With forever, undying love
Ally.
I didn't hear her come in, or even feel Bella being taken from my arms and put into the baby carrier. I felt her sit down beside me and collapsed into her arms as I sobbed. "I wasn't there... she was so scared of dying without me there, and I wasn't" I choked out.
"Shhh, let it out honey, let it all out" My Mother said as she tightened her hold on me and gently rocked me back and forth.
"I wasn't there.... I wasn't there for her" I repeated. I suddenly stood up. "Why wasn't I there? To think what she went through because of me!" I yelled, still sobbing. I stood in the middle of the room and faced Mom. She had tears running down her face.
"You got there as soon as you could" She said.
"As soon as I could... as soon as I could? Thats not good enough! No where near good enough" I said. I pointed to a picture of Allison and me, the same one I had taken on tour with me. "Ally died and I wasnt there to say goodbye to her! That I loved her and how proud of her I am!" I exclaimed. I dropped down on my knees infront of the picture, which was on her bedside table. "I'm so sorry... I didn't get there in time and you died without me. I'm so sorry baby" I said to the smiling girl who was wrapped up in my arms in the picture.
"Taylor, she knows you tried your best, and you did. There was nothing you could have done to get you there sooner" Mom said, reaching out, she put a hand on my shoulder. I turned to face her.
"I couldn't have gone on the tour. Then I would have been the for the entire thing, from the first labour pains right up until the birth. Because I was on tour, because of my music, I wasn't." I spat out angrily. Mom's face filled with shock.
"You don't blame yourself for not being there... you blame your music?" She asked. I slowly nodded.
"If I wasn't on tour... if I had've been with Ally, then maybe there was something I could have done... what if she died because I wasn't there? What if my being there would've made her fight harder for her life?.... What if she blames me?" I asked. They were questions that couldn't be answered. I felt the lump in my throat return as tears slid down my face again.
