When Another Child Dies
Because children who are close
in age strongly identify with one
another, this kind of tragedy is bound
to stir up a child's fears about his own
death. "When will I die?" "Was it
because he was bad and deserved it?"
"Maybe I do too!" Many children also
start remembering their spats and
rivalries, and feel guilty and
responsible for what happened: "I wish I
hadn't ever been bad to him. Maybe I
caused it." These kinds of fears are
tough for any parent to deal with, but
again, the more honest you can be about
the fatal illness or accident and the
more you can reassure your child that he
didn't cause it, the better off he'll
be. When a brother or sister is
terminally ill, letting your child
become actively involved in caring for
his sibling will help him accept the
loss when it comes and will also be of
comfort to the sick child. It is for
just those reasons that we now have
family visiting at the Children's
Hospital in Boston. However, when we
first asked the hospital personnel to
allow siblings to visit, they resisted.
They brought up the danger of infection
that other children might bring in and
the possibility of too much activity for
the sick children, but we persuaded them
to give us a chance to try it out. In
the hospital at the time , there was a
2-year-old named Danny who was dying of
cancer. He'd lost all his hair from
chemotherapy and was so thin he was
virtually skin and bones. But he had a
winning smile and a cheerful disposition
and was a favorite of all the nurses and
doctors. One day his parents asked if
they might bring in Danny's brothers,
aged 4 and 6. They (and we) were afraid
that Danny might not get to go home
again and that the two older boys would
be inconsolable. This was our test case.
Danny was sitting in a playpen at the
nurses'station when his parents arrived.
His wispy face brightened a bit when his
mother came over to pat him on his bald
head. His father touched Danny's hands
when the child held them out, but was
afraid to pick him up for fear of
hurting him. His mother said, "Danny, we
have a surprise for you!" The boy's eyes
lighted up, and he cocked his head,
waiting to find out what it was. At that
moment, his two older brothers came off
the elevator and rushed over to this
little skeleton of a boy. When Danny saw
them, tears began to stream down his
cheeks. He pulled himself up to stand at
the side of the playpen and hung over
it, both arms extended towards his
brothers. He kept repeating "Oh! Oh!
Oh!" as if he couldn't believe they were
really there. The 4-year-old reached out
to rub Danny's head and face. He touched
and touched his little brother, and with
each touch, Danny fawned and squirmed as
if he couldn't get enough, looking at
his brother adoringly. The 6-year-old,
John, then pulled a chair over to the
playpen and asked his parents if he
could hold Danny in his arms. By this
time there were tears in the eyes of
everyone of us. The head nurse nodded,
and Danny's father picked Danny up
gently and put him in his brother's lap.
As John rocked and sang to his little
brother, Danny happily cuddled up to
him. He reached up to feel John's face.
He explored his brother's eyes, his
hair, his nose, his mouth. Since that
episode, we have had unlimited visiting
for siblings. All of us could see what
Danny's brothers meant to him and what
he meant to them. We could see how
critical it was for both the dying child
and the well children to have this
loving reunion.
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