What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence, An Article By Recovering Batterers

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~*~ SilverMoon ~*~

Below are points made again and again by the recovering batterers in batterer's groups. These men are experts on the psychology of power, control, and violence and are required by us to share their knowledge, educatively and confrontationally, with new men who are still in denial about why they've landed in a batterer's group. We hope you'll find this information useful. -- Scott Barrella and Craig Chalquist

There is absolutely no justification for violence against your partner. Every one of us claimed self-defense when we first told the group why we'd been arrested. The fact is that we vent our anger by putting ourselves into situations where we have an excuse to push, shove, grab, or hit. We have since learned to take a time-out when we get too pumped to talk; if a partner gets violent with us, we turn and walk--or run. The thought of more jail time is a good incentive to remain nonviolent. So is the knowledge that abuse crushes our partner's self-esteem, fills her with rage, and destroys her health.

If you are a man who thinks that some types of violence--maybe pushing, pulling, destroying things, throwing things, getting in her face--are a normal part of a relationship, then you are in denial; furthermore, your violence will probably increase over time. None of us ever saw ourselves as people who could be so abusive that we'd get arrested for it. None of us intended to leave bruises, blacken eyes, break bones, or cause heart attacks.

The WORST form of denial for the angry man is to think of himself as a nice guy. If you are a woman who is with a violent partner, the BEST move you could make, for you and for him, is to call the police EVERY time he's violent. Most of us would never have stopped being abusive had we not been charged, convicted, and forced to attend mandatory group counseling. We were experts at blaming everyone--her, our childhood, the police, our drinking, our stress level, whatever--but ourselves for the violence we committed because we didn't want to face the consequences of what we were doing; besides, it was easier to let our partners think they could somehow keep us from exploding. Only when we were forced to face them did we begin to take charge of our own recovery. If you, an adult, use any level of physical force on people when you have other choices, then you are a batterer. Do yourself a favor and get help. If you don't, you're looking at jail time, felony battery or spousal abuse charges, possible job loss, huge bail money, restitution, community service, mandatory counseling...or life in prison for murder.

Given a fatal combination of stressors, ANYONE can kill. You'd be surprised how much we're like you. Most of us you couldn't pick out in a crowd. We're you pushed to extremes--the you who maybe avoids the big explosion for decades and then one day loses it for a single moment. That's why, when a well-protected community is shocked by a quiet citizen's murderous rampage, we too are saddened--but never surprised. We know how it works. So if you've ever been abusive and think you're in no danger of going there again, then you're gravely mistaken--and more dangerous than we are. You are a bomb waiting to go off; we are on guard, using group and the tools we've learned there to stay self-vigilant. If you are a batterer in recovery, you can't drink or use. Ever. Some of us have reviolated because we took the drink or two that made our patiently accumulated special skills useless for long enough for us to push, slap, or throw something. Alcohol does not CAUSE violence--only we cause it--but enough of it can make violence seem reasonable. We think of it this way: if you're a soldier on watch, it only takes being intoxicated ONCE at your post if the enemy chooses that moment to attack. If you've ever used force on a partner, you always have the potential to do it again and must always be alert, always ready to deescalate, watch your negative self-talk, put your hands in your pockets, or call time-out and go; alcohol or drug use are incompatible with keeping ourselves and our partners and children safe. No one deserves abuse or violence, and no one can be blamed for it but the perpetrator. None of us believed either the counselors or the other men when we were told about relationships in which there was no abuse, no violence, and not even raised voices during arguments. Now we know better. We also know that control of our violence was never in our partner's power, that we'd surrounded ourselves with people who wouldn't confront us or hold us accountable, and that no one under any circumstances deserves to be mistreated--whether emotionally, economically, verbally, sexually, or physically.

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