I Am Dancing As Fast As I Can, By SilverMoon

Today I woke up and the first thought on my mind was that it's not easy to go on after a death, I seem to be stuck in one of the steps of the grief process. Every thing seems so hopeless. I would love to wave a magic wand and make it all better, yes, at the stroke of a wand it's all fine, but in reality it's not. I find myself teetering between complete healing and complete internal turmoil. I don't know where to turn, I go from day to day and I feel anesthetized inside, it's not that I don't have the ability to love, I can love but not fully, not like before. There is a reason for this, it's all part of the grief process, I will come out of it sooner or later and things will be alright, I have to think this way, otherwise things really look hopeless. Day in and day out I wish that all my loved ones had not died, I wish that I could go back to when way before they all started dying but that is impossible, I know that but when will I be the same person I was before the death of my loved ones?...my mom died first and I didn't get to say good bye to her.....my father died next and again I didn't get to say good bye to him.....Fred died and I did get to spend his last few days with him, but still, they are all gone and I am here and it feels so cold and alone in this world without them, sometimes I think I am in a nightmare of despair, no one understands my predicament. When I go out I see people, I see people smiling and I wonder what that is like, sometimes I still burst out in tears if I hear a song that reminds me of my mother or my father or Fred, sometimes when I am in my room all alone and I am deep in thought, I think, if just for a moment, that Fred or my mother or my father, are back and when they died it was all just a bad dream, all make believe. I was never like this before all of these deaths happened to me, I don't want to be like this anymore but it's not upto me, it's upto my healing, it's all about my healing and that I have little control over when complete healing will take place...yet there are those that are harsh and don't understand, I do hope one day they will understand what's like, I hope one day they will know the power that feelings have over us, I am hoping one day they will know that neither grieving nor burning out is our fault but it just happens, life happens and sometimes we are dealt more than we can handle but it's not God's fault, it's no one's fault, it's just a journey thru grief. I wish you peace and tranquility in your life.


~*~ SilverMoon ~*~

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