Do's and Don't's for Friends, Family and Professional People
Do's
Do let your genuine concern and care
show.
Do be available; to listen, to help
with other children, or whatever else
seems needed at the time.
Do say you are sorry about what
happened to their child and about their
pain.
Do allow them to express as much
grief as they are feeling at the moment
and are willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with
themselves, not to expect too much of
themselves, and not to impose any
"SHOULDS" on themselves.
Do allow them to talk about the
special, endearing abilities of the
child they have lost.
Do give special attention to the
child's brothers and sisters, at the
funeral and in the months to come. They
too are hurt and confused and in need of
attention which their parents may not be
able to give them at the time.
Do reassure them that the medical
care their child received was the best
possible, or whatever else you know to
be true and positive, about the care
given their child.
DON'T'S
Don't let your own sense of
helplessness keep you from reaching out
to a bereaved parent.
Don't avoid them because you are
uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends
adds pain to an already intolerable and
painful experience.
Don't say you know how they feel,
unless you've lost a child yourself. You
probably don't know how they feel.
Don't say "You ought to be feeling
better by now", or anything else which
implies a judgment about their
feelings.
Don't tell them what they should
feel or do.
Don't change the subject when they
mention their dead child.
Don't avoid mentioning the child's
name out of fear of reminding them of
their pain. They haven't forgotten it
for a moment.
Don't try to find something positive
about the child's death.
Don't point out that at least they
have another child or children. Children
are not interchangeable! They cannot
replace each other.
Don't say that they can have another
child. Even if they could, or wanted to,
another child would not replace the
child they have lost.
Don't make any comments which in any
way suggest that the care in the home or
in the emergency room, hospital, or
wherever, was inadequate. Parents are
plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt
without any help from their family or
friends.
NOTE: This not only applies to
the death of a child but any death of a
loved one.
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