The Grieving Process: Discussing It With Children
One of the most difficult tasks
following the death of a loved one is
discussing and explaining the death with
other children in the family. This task
is even more distressing when the
parents are in the midst of their own
grief.
Since many adults have problems dealing
with death they assume that children
also cannot cope with it. Parents may
try to protect other children by leaving
them out of the discussions and rituals
associated with the death. Thus,
children may feel anxious, bewildered,
and alone. The children may be left on
their own to seek answers to their
questions at a time when they most need
the help and assurance of those around
them.
All children will be affected in some
way by a death in the family. Above all,
those children who are too young for
explanations need love from the
significant people in their lives to
maintain their own security. Young
children may not verbalize their
feelings about a death in a family and
may hold back their feelings. In reality
they may be so overwhelmed that they may
appear to be unaffected. It is common
for them to express their feelings
through behaviour and play. Regardless
of this ability or inability to express
themselves, children "do" grieve, often
very deeply.
Some Common Expressions of
Children's Grief
Experts have determined that those in
grief pass through four major emotions:
Fear, Anger, Guilt and Sadness. It
should be remembered that everyone who
is touched by a death experiences these
emotions to some degree -- grandparents,
friends, physicians, nurses and
children. Each adult and child's
reaction to death are individual in
nature. Some common reactions are:
1. Shock
The child may not believe the death
really happened and will act as though
it did not. This is usually because the
thought of death is too overwhelming.
2. Physical Symptoms
The child may have various complaints
such as headaches or a stomachache and
fear that he too will
die.
3. Anger
Being mostly concerned with his own
needs, the child may be angry at the
person who died because he feels he has
been left "all alone" or that God didn't
"make the person well."
4. Guilt
The child may think that he caused the
death by having been angry with the
person who died, or he may feel
responsible for not having been "better"
in some way.
5. Anxiety and Fear
The child may wonder who will take care
of him now or fear that some other
person he loves will die. He may cling
to his parents or ask other people who
play an important role in his life if
"they love him".
6. Regression
The child may revert to behaviors he had
previously outgrown, such as bed wetting
or thumb sucking.
7. Sadness
The child may show a decrease in
activity -- being "too quiet." It is
important to remember that all of the
reactions outlined above are normal
expressions of grief in children. In the
grieving process, time is an important
factor. Experts have said that six
months after a significant death in a
child's life, normal routine should be
resuming. If the child's reaction seems
to be prolonged, seeking professional
advice of those who are familiar with
the child (e.g., teachers,
pediatricians, clergy) may be helpful.
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