"Oolong's Ordeal"

Oolong was your typical pig. He lived on Farmer Brown’s pig farm, called Okey Dokey Ranch. He lived there with all the other pigs. Okey Dokey Ranch consisted of a quaint house, were Mr. And Mrs. Brown lived. There was a big hog house, where all the little piggies lived. Oolong had a wonderful life, at least for a pig. Every morning, Farmer Brown would come out and give him a pail of slop. Oolong would eat it, then fall asleep in the mud. At noon, he’d get another pail of slop, then fall asleep in the mud. At 6:00, he’d get another pail of slop, then he’d fall asleep in the mud. Then, and Midnight, he’d get his fourth pail of slop, he’d eat it, then, he’d fall asleep in the grass. It was the perfect life.

Oolong was Farmer Brown’s favorite pig. He was trying to fatten him up for the annual Tri County Fair, which would be held in two weeks. Oolong was getting quite big now. He was now feed five times a day. He was bordering on 150 lbs. It was finally the last day. Oolong was feed six last times. He was so fat, that he couldn’t move. His legs didn’t reach the ground.

It was 6:00 in the morning. The sun was just coming over the mountains. Farmer Brown got in his fork lift (?) and drove over to Oolong. Oolong started bobbing up and down, happy to see him. He did this once or twice, and rolled over. He was upside down, but he was still happy. He stared at Farmer Brown.

"Stupid pig. But, I think we can win this year, Oolong! You’re the biggest pig I’ve ever seen! Now, hold still while I lift you up." Farmer Brown said as he picked up Oolong with the forklift. He raised it as high as it’d go. He started backing up. Oolong rolled off and landed on the ground with a nice wet plop.

"Stupid Pig!" Farmer Brown picked up Oolong, and, once again, he rolled off.

"Argg!" He picked him up once more, but, he rolled off again.

"We’re going to be late!!!" He picked him up once more, and Oolong did not roll off this time, oh no. He simply stayed there like a pig in mud (no pun intended.) The forklift was sagging with the weight. Only the front wheels touched the ground, the back ones were up in the air. The whole forklift was at a 45 degree angle.

Anyway, he finally managed to get Oolong in his pickup. The pickup sagged with the weight too. This time, the front wheels were in the air. Mrs. Brown ran out of the house just then.

"Honey, Honey! Are you leaving now?" Said Mrs. Brown "Yes, I need to hurry up though, I had a heck of a time getting this pig in the back. I might be late. See you later!" Said Mr. Brown as he got into the pickup.

"Wait, Wait! Let me get the camera! I want a picture of that cute little piggy!" Exclaimed Mrs. Brown as she went to get the camera.

"Sigh." Sighed Farmer Brown.

Mrs. Brown got the camera and took a picture of Oolong. She climbed into the pickup with Mr. Brown. They drove out of the farm, drove onto the highway, drove on the highway for two hours, got to the fair, realized they were just in time, signed in, drove up to the judges corner, dropped Oolong off, weighed him, waited while the other pigs got weighed, the judges pronounced the winner, it wasn’t Farmer Brown, Farmer Brown was mad at Oolong for not getting fat enough, he stormed off to cry, Mrs. Brown told him it’s only a game, they loaded up Oolong with the help of many people, the pickup started sagging again, Oolong was still happy, Farmer Brown squealed the tires, he drove out of that Tri County Fair as fast as he could, got home, dropped Oolong off in the pig pen, decided that Oolong didn’t get supper tonight, Oolong was still happy, Farmer Brown declared that Oolong didn’t deserve to live, so he stated that he’d start his own Spam company and so he got in his forklift and started it up and drove over to Oolong and lifted him up but Oolong rolled off and Farmer Brown swore and picked him up again but he rolled off and Farmer Brown swore and he picked him up again but he rolled off and Farmer Brown swore and then he picked him up again and Oolong rolled off again and Farmer Brown swore twice and Mrs. Farmer Brown told him to watch his blood pressure and Farmer Brown picked him up again and Oolong didn’t roll off again, Oolong was still smiling, and Farmer Brown dropped Oolong into his pickup and Oolong landed with a plopand Farmer Brown drove off to the town of "Betty Crocker" and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and drove, and, for a change of pace, drove so more and finally he arrived at the "Butcher’s Emporium of Dicing Pigs into Millions of Pieces so You Can Grind Them Into Spam and Sell Them in Little Ten Ounce Cans and You Can Make Millions of Dollars" and so Farmer Brown dropped off Oolong and walked up to the secretary, and she said in a snobby voice, "Take a number and wait please, " and that’s what he did because he wanted his pig diced into millions of pieces so he could grind it up and turn him into Spam and then he’d make millions of dollars because that’s what the store’s name said, he thought to himself, but his number was 34,495 and it was taking a long time to get his pig diced into millions of pieces so he could grind Oolong into Spam and sell Oolong in little ten ounce cans and make millions of dollars he thought to himself and he thought that maybe he could go, but then he’d lose his spot in line and somebody would take it, then he’d make to take another number and wait in line again just so he could dice Oolong into millions of pieces and then he could grind him into Spam and sell him in little ten ounce cans and make millions of dollars, but he thought, "Naw," and so he was about to leave, but he was having second thoughts about dicing Oolong into millions of pieces so he could grind him into Spam and sell him in little ten ounce cans and make millions of dollars, because that’s what the sign said and signs are never wrong because if the sign was wrong he could sue "Butcher’s Emporium of Dicing Pigs into Millions of Pieces so You Can Grind Them Into Spam and Sell Them in Little Ten Ounce Cans and You Can Make Millions of Dollars" for false advertising, and just then as he was thinking about leaving a guy walked in, this was no ordinary man, he had pretty messed up hair and he was bringing with a little kid dressed in a green ninja suit who had purple hair, a little bald guy with no nose and six dots on his head, and a girl, who must be his wife, and she was wearing leather, talked like a bimbo, and had blue hair, and what a rowdy bunch they were, and the posse walked over to Farmer Brown’s pig, Oolong, and Mr. Purple hair said, "Dad, it’s a little piggy, can we keep him," and the dad said, "Sure thin’, bu’ w’ mus’ pay fer ‘em ferst, o’kay," and they walked up the secretary and said, "Ho’ much fer th’ ‘at ‘ig," and she said, "Oh that thing, well, first you must fill out these forms" she said as she dropped a pile of papers into the man’s arms, "then you have to wait thirty days and then you must meet with other Special Committee of the Selling and Purchasing of Fat Pigs Over the Age of 6 Months," and that’s what they did, Farmer Brown couldn’t believe his eyes, they did all that stuff and they got his pig, "Wel’ i’ looks li’ we c’n keep ‘em kids, we’ll brin’ ‘em ‘ome an’ feed ‘em slop an’ mud," they possyed, and that’s what they did, they took the pig, paid for him, throw ‘em, er, I mean they throw him into the back of their pickup and drove away.

I’m sorry about that last sentence, it was a little long, but it had to be written because that’s the way the story goes and the story has to go that way because that’s the only way I know how to get this story across, and if you people don’t understand it like it was meant to be, then it can’t be done, but just for your information, it was 881 words long, sorry about that, it won’t happen again, I’m sure off this because.......

The guy’s name was Goku, the purple hair guy was Trunks, the bald, no nose guy with six dots on his head was named Krillin, and the leather wearing chick with the blue hair was Bulma.

Anyway, Goku and Family arrived at their quaint little house and drove around to the back. Goku opened the back of the pickup, but the pig won’t walk out. Goku said, "Y’ st’pid piig, git ou’, git ou’, git ‘ou!!!" Goku yelled. He jumped in the back of the pig up and tried pushing Oolong out. Oolong smiled at him. Goku kept pushing, but slipped and fell in the mud.

Trunks, Krillin, and Bulma started pointing there fingers at Goku and started laughing.

Goku thinks to himself: This is terrible. I thought was doing something right for my family, but no, I was mistaken. I bought the pig for their enjoyment, but, all the cared about as ridiculing me, it was horrible. These people don’t really care about me, they like to have fun at my expense. This is just like last year, when I was in Ms. Sniberson’s 4th Grade Class. I was in the back of the room, and the girl behind me kept poking me with her index finger. This went on for most of the year, and I kept it bottled in me. Finally one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around and yelled at her, I said, "Would you stop it!" She just smiled at me and said with a snicker in her grin, "No." Arggggg! I couldn’t take it. I jumped up and walked over to her desk, and stared her in the eyes. I throw a punch at her and I chucked her in the chin. She flipped around behind her desk and landed on the floor. She was sprawled on the floor, looking hurt. I thought to myself, Oh no, what have I done? Did I just hit a girl? Ms. Sniberson was teaching Math, turned around a saw what I did. She yelled at me for hitting such a nice little girl. I turned red and everybody laughed at me. Ms. Sniberson grabbed by my arm and headed me toward the principal, Mr. Stormsaroundtheroomyellingatpeople. I looked back to see if the girl I laid the smackdown on was all right, but she just sat up, smiling at me. She said with a grin, "You can’t hurt me!" The class howled with laughter. She began laughing at me. I’ll never forgive, Bulma, for that day....

Goku got up off the ground. He was smiling. I can’t let them know how mad I am at them, he thought.

Oolong promptly jumped out of the back of the pickup. The pickup bounced up and down uneasily with the sudden lose of weight in the back. I really need to buy some shocks for that vehicle, Goku thought.

Oolong ran across the yard as fast as his little legs could carry him. Actually, he didn’t, I was lying. Oolong was trying to run, but his legs never reached the ground. The pig was too dumb to realize that he wasn’t going anywhere so he kept trying to move, smiling all the time, happy because of all the attention that Trunks and Krillin gave him. Trunks and Krillin weren’t really paying attention to him.

"Krillin, what’s wrong with this pig? Why’d we get him, he doesn’t do anything," Trunks asked.

"No clue, Trunks. Wanna play soccer with him?" Krillin said.

"Sure, that’d we fun!!!" Trunks shouted.

Trunks ran up to Oolong and kicked him. He rolled softly across the lawn. Krillin ran over to him and kicked him. He rolled faster. Trunks and Krillin kicked him back and forth across the lawn.

"Now don’ y’ hur’ hi’ chil’ren!" Goku shouted.

"Oh you party pooper, let the kids kick that pig around. He doesn’t do anything you know." Bulma retorted.

Trunks and Krillin kicked Oolong around for 20, wait, 21 minutes. But, they got bored with him. Oolong didn’t roll fast and he didn’t roll far either.

"Krillin, what to go inside and do something, this pig’s boring me." Trunks

"Sure!" Krillin yelled at Trunks and they ran off, never to play with Oolong again.

Oolong was upside done. He was watching Trunks, Krillin, Goku, and Bulma run off. He was still smiling, just waiting for them to return. They all went into their house and didn’t come out. Oolong watched the door, smiling all the time. It turned night. Oolong was still upside down, still watching, and still smiling. The leaves on the trees turned brown. They fell off. But Oolong was faithful, and he kept watching, waiting, and smiling. Oolong was buried with leaves. It began to snow. Oolong was covered with snow. Oolong was still waiting, still watching, and still smiling. There was a small hole in the snow pile on top of him, so he watched through there. He saw Trunks and Krillin run out one day. He started bobbing up and down, eager that they’d play with him.

Trunks walked up to the hole Oolong was looking out of, crouched down, looked at Oolong, and put some snow in the hole, covering all of Oolong’s view. Trunks and Krillin made a big snow block on top of Oolong. They made a snowman at the head of the block and one at the foot. They made three snowmen on each side of the block. Eight snowmen were now seated around the block. They made a snow pig and put him on top of the block. They ran inside and came back out again. They put carrots and grapes on all the snowmen’s faces. Then they put an apple in the pigs mouth and never visited Oolong the rest of the winter.

To make this story shorter, I’m going to do a "flash-forward." It’s like a flashback, only you go in the future. Time passed, snow melted, Oolong waited, and it was spring. Goku went outside and decided it was time to harvest the pigs. He got in his tractor, loaded up the pig wagon, and went around the fields collecting all his pigs. He came at last to Oolong and threw him in the back, forgetting Oolong was part of his family. He drove off to the slaughter house and dropped them all off.

"Krillin," Trunks said to Krillin one day, "let’s go play with Oolong, remember the great times we had with him?" "Yeah, let’s!" Krillin said and they ran outside. All they found though was carrots, grapes, and an apple. Oolong was gone.

"He ran away, Krillin!" Trunks said, tears starting in his eyes. "Don’t worry, maybe Goku knows."

They ran inside and Krillin shouted, "Goku, Goku, do you know where Oolong is?" "Oh tha’ ‘ittle ‘ig? I, um, I migh’ b’ thinkin’ tha’ I sen’ ‘im ‘oo the ‘aughter ‘ouse! An’ don’ call meh ‘oku, mys nam’ i’ da’dy to yo’!" Goku said. Trunks started crying, because his best friend was gone. "Don’t worry Trunks, we’ll get him back!" Krillin said.

Krillin ripped off his shirt and his huge muscles grew out of nowhere. "Let’s go!" Trunks hoped on Krillin’s back and Krillin flew out of the house, right through the roof.

"Honey, close the roof, it’s getting drafty." Bulma said to Goku.

Krillin flied away at top speed. He flew more maybe 5 minutes then reached the slaughter house, "You bring ‘em, we chop ‘em!" They landed and walked up to the door. The building looked fairly modern. One of those three story buildings with automatic doors and reflective glass all over the building. Similar to one of those Silicon Valley buildings. Krillin ripped the door off the hinges. He threw the door across the parking lot. It hit a bus and the bus exploded into a massive fireball that consumed the entire packing lot.

They walked inside. Krillin asked if they could see the manager. The snobby secretary simply said, "Take a number and we may get to you by the end of the month." Krillin, hating secretaries, started powering up. He was engulfed in flames. The vapor/flames around him got bigger and bigger. The vapor was destroying everything around him. The little rocks in the floor where being lifted up into the air. All the chairs in the lobby where destroyed and all the people waiting left the building. The secretary and her desk where sent into the air. The fire alarm went off and the sprinkler system went off. Krillin eventually finished and both him and Trunks got into an elevator. They hit the B button and went to the basement.

What they saw in front of them were three security guards, all with guns. "There they are, blast ‘em!" The guards took out there sub-machine guns and opened up on them. Krillin stood in front and puffed out his chest. All the bullets bounced off harmlessly. "Watch out, Krillin!" Yelled Trunks, concerned for his brother.

"Ho, ho, ho! Don’t worry about me little boy, I’ll mop up this scum!" Krillin said in a cheap 50’s superhero voice.

Krillin grabbed all the guards by the ankles and held them upside down. He sticked their heads in a nearby bucket of water and soap. He pressed their faces against the ground and mopped up the floor. "There Trunks, the floor’s all clean now!" Krillin said, still in pseudo-50’s superhero voice.

Trunks laughed and they continued down the hallway. They continued on for 10 minutes and got to the end of the hallway. The last door was open. Blue light poured out into the hallway. A shadow could be seen in the light. They heard a maniacal laughter coming out of the room and saw the shadow of a man with a craving knife in his hand. He was laughing and hunched back. He laughed that evil laugh and swung that knife down. A short "oink" was heard, but that’s it. The man laughed even more.

"I think they killed Oolong, Krillin!" Trunks piped in.

"Don’t worry, the Lord of Justice is here to save your." Krillin 50’s faked.

They ran in and saw a weird site. They saw a pig’s head lying on the ground and the pig’s body was strapped down to a table. But that wasn’t the queer site, it was that the butcher was a pig!!! Believe it, Shorty, that’s who it was.

"You sick and demented pigs, you’re cannibals!" Yelled Trunks.

"The Lord of Justice says: Don’t go labeling people, kids! It’s not nice, and it hurts their feelings! Let’s here the canniba..er...pig’s story before we start labeling him!" Krillin 50’ed.

The pig looked at another table with a pig on it. He walked over to it, and said to him, "Nothing personal, it’s just business." He sliced off his head.

"Noooo!!! You are a cannibal!!! The Lord of Justice thinks you people are unethical and should be given the Death Penalty!" Krillin labeled.

"Where’s Oolong!?" Trunks yelled.

"The porker, he’s in the back," Cannibal gestured with his finger.

Oolong was in the back in a dark, damp, smelling cage. He was still his roly-poly self. He rolled upside down and smiled at Trunks and Krillin, just waiting for them to play with him.

"I’ll kill you, you evil cannibal! Nobody chops up Oolong while I’m around! You should be ashamed of yourself, your a very bad, bad, person!" Krillin shouted.

"Okay, before we fight, meet, the Porker Force!" Cannibal canniballed.

A team of five pigs flipped out of nowhere. They were wearing Saiyan Armor with a pork rinds symbol on the chest. There was a purple one, a blue one, a red one, and yellow one, and a green one. They came down and started doing weird movements. They did posses for 5 minutes, then where ready to fight.

"I think it’s time to do some butchering of my own!" Lord of Justice butchered. Krillin formed a destructo disk and threw it at the Porker Force. The Force was chopped in half.

"Now it’s your turn! Trunks, get Oolong out of here!" Krillin said. Trunks went up to the cage, bent the bars open, got Oolong, grunted as he lifted him, and flew out of the building through the ceiling. Krillin said, "Okay big boy, it’s you and me!"

The pig jumped at Krillin. Krillin puffed out his chest and the pig bounced off. "Kah......meh.........ah........meh............haaaaaa!!!!!!" Krillin shot the Kamehameha Wave and destroyed the pig. The beam was 30 meters wide, and the whole basement was destroyed. The glass windows on the outside of the building exploded. The whole 3 story building went up in a mushroom cloud of Kamehameha energy. As soon as the mushroom cloud was gone, a giant dome was formed in the foundation of the building. The dome of bluish energy got bigger and bigger, consuming all around it. Krillin didn’t stop there. He kept putting power into it. The dome was getting bigger and bigger. The dome destroyed the whole town. Krillin looked back, satisfied with his work, and flew back to his house.

Krillin arrived back at his house. He walked inside.

"Mom, I’m home!" Krillin said homely.

"In here!" Bulma replied.

Krillin walked into his living room. Goku, Bulma, and Trunks were seated around the T.V. Krillin sat down and watched T.V. too. Oolong was sitting on the carpet, wagging his little pint-sized tail. It was like they had a dog now. Everything was fine.

They watched T.V., ate supper (ham) and watched more T.V. When it was around 10:00, Goku told the kids to, "git tha’ ham hous’ outta ‘ere!" So Krillin and Trunks put him out and never saw him again.

Goku walked outside one day and saw Oolong. Bulma didn’t buy any groceries last Saturday, so Goku grabbed onto Oolong’s leash and lead him to the chopping log. He put his head on the log, lifted his axe, and well, let us just say he didn’t make it.

Goku served up Oolong that night. Trunks went out to find Oolong, never found him, saw the huge roast pig on the table, and put two and two together.

"Daddy, did you kill my pig, Oolong?" Trunks

"Oops! Aw w’ll, them’s da breaks, I’m guessin’. I though’ tha’ pig lookeded fam-i-il-ur, bu’ I guessed I’m made a mista’. Sorry, aw wel’, jus’ liv’ wit’ i’." Goku rambled.

Everybody started laughing at Goku’s insane mumbling. Everybody recounted the events that had happened over the past year or so, and everybody started laughing. They had a jolly good time. And that pig was goooo-ooood!!! It was so big, the family had the leftovers the next night. And that means the pig is pretty big, since Saiyans tend to eat a lot.

And that’s the end of this tale, the tale of Oolong and how he was good dinish. And remember, this story’ll never fail, but now it’s time for the grand finish!