1) I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5) If all is not lost, where is it?
6) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10) It was all so different before everything changed.
11) Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
12) Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
13) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
14) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
15) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
16) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if  you're in the bathroom.
17) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18) When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
19) There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
20) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
21) Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22) It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
23) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.