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Title of story: Do what you have to do Title of Chapter: Reasons Why Author: Alicia08 Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. I’m not that sadistically evil where I would keep true soul mates apart. Love ya Joss!! J Distribution: Sure……if ya want. Go ahead. Just leave my name on it!! Pairing: B/A Timeline: Takes place at the very end of “I will remember you” Description: Buffy travels home after her confrontation with Angel in “I’ll remember you”, while Angel alone bares the pain of the memory of the faithful day that was not!! Authors Note: This chapter basically deals with Angel’s point of view!!
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“Oh, great, your still alive” Cordelia came barging through the door to my office. “This is great, cause for a minute there, I thought I would come back and find your ashes on the floor,” she paused. “And then ya know…I would of so been out of a job.” I see her raise a hand to her chin as if contemplating life and death circumstances. “God, that is so like Buffy to only think about herself. Geez, can she be any more self righteo-“ “Cordy…I’m still here. Not alive in the breathing sense, but I’m here,” I explain hoping her rant would end. My mood now ruined. Not that I was in the best of moods a few minutes ago, but whatever mood I was in, I was in it…alone. By myself. “Well duh. I’m not blind. I can see you’re still here. I’m just saying that she’s self righteous” I give her a look “She is,” Cordy informs me vehemently. “You’re blinded by that obvious fact, cause you and her did the horizontal mambo,” she stops, but it’s obvious she has more to say. My shoulder slumps, waiting for the inevitable. “Which by the way, was the reason all hell broke loose back in good old Sunnyhell.” She takes a few steps backward, and looks at me questionably. “You guys didn’t sleep together did you?” Before I could answer, she continues. “You’re not evil? Please tell me you’re not evil. Angel…that’s you in there...right? “Cordy” “Ah crap. You are evil. Damn, I told Doyle this was going to happen, but Noooo, never wants to listen to me,” she continues and furthers herself away from where I sat in my chair, the distance between us getting farther and farther. “Cordy” “Now listen Angel. You really don’t want to hurt me. It’s Buffy you’re after. So, um, why don’t I just get out of your way and-“ “Cordy,” I raise my voice, frustration rising in me, as I lift from my chair. “I’m not evil ok. Buffy and I didn’t sleep together. We talked, that’s all,” I state firmly The fear and tension in her dark orbs and body manner leisurely fades. Her hand rises to her face, brushing a loose strand of dark velvety hair, behind her ear. “I so knew that” “What” I say flatly, looking to her, my eyes questioning, easing once again into my chair “What? “ she returns, her hands now at her hip “You came in here for a reason. What’s the reason,” I clarify “Oh” A few strides, and Cordy stands inches from me, leaning on the corner of my desk. “I came here to make sure you were ok, not being blown away by the wind an all…that is, if you were a pile of dust on the floor, but you’re not so YaY”. She was always a terrible liar “Fine,” she exhales in exasperation, her hands flying up above her head, before they made their way back down, coming to a halt at her sides. “I need an advance of my check,” she states, giving me her puppy dog eyes “There was this little cute outfit I saw in the-“ she falters and then resumed. “Not helping is it” “No, not really.” I get up, totter pass the former cheerleader nonchalantly, not really paying much attention to her ramblings, and make my way over to the filing cabinet. I open the second to top draw, retrieve a yellow folder. I proceed back to my desk, take a seat, and pick up the pen lying on the table. “How much?” I ask, not lifting my head to acknowledge her presence. “You’re the best,” I hear her voice, victorious in tone. “Why don’t you just sign it, and I’ll fill in the rest,” she tells me, making her way to my side, bending down to inspect the scene. “Right there,” she points to where my signature should go. I sigh, taking in unnecessary air into my lungs. Tilting my head to the side, I rip the check from its hold, after I furnished it with my autograph, and handed it over to Cordelia. She took it from my hand, gave me a quick hug then turned on her heal and headed towards the door. I looked up to watch her leave, but she stopped, and then slowly turned to face me. Her expression caring, and compassionate. “Angel,” she began. “You need to learn how to let her go. I know it hurts now, but give it enough time, and the pain will eventually fade,” she finished. “Cordy,” I bellowed. I would rather not talk about * her* with you” Something unreadable flashed across her face and was gone, carefully smoothed away behind a mask of casual indifference. “I really don’t give a damn about what you would or would not rather do,” she stated pointedly. “I’m telling you this for your own good.” I look up to meet her eyes, my steady brown, locked onto her dark penetrating ones. She looks at me thoughtfully. “The two of you would have never worked anyways. Just call your loses and move on Angel.” When I gave her no reply, she sighed and smiled tentatively, before leaving my office. I sat there, staring at the empty spot Cordy had occupied. Time seemed to slow then, as the memories of my brief stint as a mortal flooded my head. My eyebrows fluttered, as I recalled the beating of my heart. I was alive…blood, life-giving blood circulating through my body, my heart beating hard. It was amazing. It felt amazing. The thrill I felt as I stood in the direct rays of the sun, and then the sudden surprise and realization that I didn’t burn to a cinder was so incalculable. It had made my pulse…wow, I actually had a pulse…race. My reflection. The overwhelming surprise I felt as my reflection stared back at me, had me in thrall. Centuries of staring into nothingness, only to finally see your self. It had been so long, that I had forgotten what I looked like. Even the intricate taste of food made me feel alive and giddy. I was like a little kid on Christmas morning. God, I didn’t know things could taste that good. I found the taste of peanut butter in particular to be absolutely wonderful. I even enjoyed being fed by Buffy, cookie dough fudge-mint chip ice cream, but I found it far more enjoyable, having it licked off my body. Sometimes, I think I’m being punished. Punished for the crimes I committed as a soulless demon. Fate had seen fit that I suffered immensely. Fate had finally given me the love of my life, and in the cruelest fashion imaginable, damned us to be together. Damned me for eternity. They had introduced her into my life, only to later forbid me from touching her. From kissing her, from making love to her. I could fight by her side in battle, and come alive by the sound of her voice. Be enchanted by her smile, the sparkle in her eyes, the beauty of her soul, the goodness in her heart, and the dept of her courage, but I could never touch her. Never hold her, or imagine, yet alone have a future with her. At times, I desperately try to convince myself that I don’t love her, but I do. I always will, and that’s something that will never change, no matter how much I try to deny it. Fate was cruel indeed, but I deserved what I got. Buffy on the other hand deserved none of it. She had…is suffering because of me. I wonder what life would be like for her, if I never was a part of her world. If Whistler had never come to me in that ally those years ago. Would things be better for her? Would she be happier? I close my eyes and run a hand through my hair. I feel my muscles tense at my ponderings. Why do I do this to myself? Buffy and I were never meant to be together. If nothing has proven that to me, then *that* day had. The night we had made love, as two living, and breathing individuals, I had envisioned us growing old together. Having kids, becoming a family. A day after, those dreams were no more. Buffy and I would never work. It can’t work. There were just too many reasons why we shouldn’t be together. For one, as a human, a mortal, I was a liability to her. Two, the oracles told me she would die. The end of days would come, and I wouldn’t be able to protect her. She would die fighting, and I wouldn’t be able to save her. And if Buffy died, what joy…what point would it make to live as a mortal. It only mattered if Buffy lived it with me. There would be no satisfaction, no fulfillment, in it any other way. And now, we’re back to how we first started out. I’m still a vampire with a soul, a very tricky one. One moment of true happiness and I loose it all over again. Buffy…she was where my happiness lied. So, I needed to distance myself from the temptation. It was better that way really, now that I think about it. I could never give her what she deserved. I remember telling her that once. She needed a chance at a normal life, and I wouldn’t stand in the way, even if she hadn’t realized I was. Yes…it was for the best. She was moving on with her life now. That’s what she told me during our little escapades in the sewers. We’d been searching for the Mohra demon, and it came up. Really I was happy. Thrilled even. No, no, I’m lying to myself. She was moving on without me. Then my mind swirled. Moving on with whom, had been my next thought. My memory had suddenly flashed back to my encounter with Willow. I’d pulled her into a corner so we could talk, and then I had seen him. A… the new guy. Buffy had been talking to him, smiling profusely, flirting even. A sort of irrational jealousy had aroused in me. I had no reason to be jealous. This is what I wanted for her. That was why I left. This was what she deserved. To find a new boyfriend, to fall in love, and be happy. The thought itself made me cringe. Knowing that someone else was making love to her, was kissing her, was doing the things meant for me, unnerved me to the core. I heard a noise, something breaking in half. I open my eyes to see the armrest of the chair I was in, a vision of it’s former self. It lye on the floor, separated, broken off, by me. I could feel the anger boiling with in me. It happens on occasions when I think of Buffy in the arms of someone else. It’s a sort of an irrational anger, but it’s anger none the less. Whether or not I have a right to possess such fury is beside the point. Needing to unnerve myself, to calm my emotions, I stand and make my way out the office and towards the elevator that would lead me to the downstairs apartment. I get in, press the down button and wait. The elevator came to a halt, and I pulled the gate open and walked out. I suddenly found myself standing at the foot of my bed. I stare at it for a while, and I can see myself, Buffy too…the two of us laying in bed. Her head resting on my chest. The words she had said to me, silently echoing throughout the room. "Angel? This is the first time I ever really felt this way." "Just like I've always wanted to. Like a normal girl, falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect."
I feel my muscles tense, and my jaw twitch at the recollection. She
was right. It was perfect. For that one day, life was
perfect. Everything had been how I’d always dreamed. To give her
pleasure, to make her moan my name in delight, had been what I desperately
wanted to do, since the first time I laid eyes on her, and now….then I had. Every fiber of my body now was captivated by the memory and images of Buffy and I making love. Her scent was still fresh. It mingled in the sheets, in the air. It surrounded me. She was so tiny, and I’d held her tight, never wanting to let go. I sigh, and walk around the bed, taking a seat on the edge. My hand falls to the sheet, and I crumply it in my hand, lifting it to my face. I take a breath, needlessly of course, and her scent…our scent fills my lungs. I throw the sheet to the floor in a fit of rage. Why am I doing this to myself? I shake my head in an effort to rid my self of thoughts of her. It was doing me more harm than good to be constantly thinking of Buffy. I stand and begin to pace the room. Maybe that would help. It didn’t of course. Buffy continued to plague my thoughts. I collapse on my bed, the headboard shaking from my sudden weight. I lay back, and the ceiling comes into view. I close my eyes, and Cordy’s words from earlier flood my mind “You need to learn how to let her go” It played over and over in my head, and then I opened my eyes, and breathed out the painful truth “I don’t know how” The End!!!
I was planning on including a third chapter but decided against it. I was getting tired of the whole POV story telling, so I’m going to write a companion piece to this story in the “third person”. It’s called “Don’t know how |
