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Title: Castaways 10/16 Buffy had already changed and gotten into the sleeping bag when Giles returned to the campsite. He sat beside her. "Shall I stay or would you rather I slept somewhere else tonight?" Buffy propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him for a long minute. At last, without a word, she pulled back one corner of the bag. He sighed in relief. "I'll just go change, then," he said. He stood and picked up his bedclothes. "You don't have to, Giles. Go away, I mean. I won't look." "And waste all my exhibitionism?" he joked. "Gotta preserve my maiden modesty a little bit here," Buffy returned. "And yours." "I haven't been a maiden for a very long time, Buffy. Neither have you." "Thanks for reminding me of that." Giles sat next to the sleeping bag and looked intently at Buffy. "Before I embarrass myself irreparably, may I know what you want to happen tonight?" "I'll let you know as soon as I do." "Buffy," Giles sighed, "What am I to do? What do you want?" "I just...I don't know yet. Look, the thing is...I keep doing what a guy wants me to do. I never listen to me. If I'm ever gonna be happy with a guy, that has to change. And if we...Giles, I want to do this right; not rush into something. If it's right, it'll still be here in the morning." "Or even next week, if you need that long," Giles smiled. "And if you decide not to try, I won't stop caring about you. I won't leave." "Like you really could. This is a pretty dinky island." "We'll get off it. I promise you that." "And then what? Once I get back to Sunnydale, I don't see a whole lot of travel in my future. If you want to be with me you have to give up England. Sunnydale will have to be home. And it's not just me in the package. You want me, you're pretty much stuck with Dawn." "I lived in Sunnydale before. And I'm quite fond of Dawn, you know." "Yeah. I know. But you skipped on her while I was dead. How do I know that won't happen again?" "Do we really need to talk about all this tonight?" "Hey, I have adult responsibilities now, in case you've forgotten. I'm even trying my best to deal with them. Pretty wacky, huh? Who'd have ever thought I'd be trying to make you deal with being responsible? Our whole relationship has been the other way around until now." "Fine. We'll talk now. Where do you want to start?" "Dawn. Can she count on you?" "Yes, she can." Buffy's eyes seemed to bore through him. "How do I know you mean it this time? You were willing to let her die if it would stop Glory. You left when I was dead. Mom is dead, Dad's a total no show in our lives, and Slayers die young. I've screwed up a lot with her. I'm trying harder, but there's a lot to make up for. I'm not going to add to the mess by bringing home a guy who'll take off as soon as I'm gone." "It was hardly as soon as you were gone. I'd barely left when Willow raised you." "You were still gone. And then you left again when you knew I was too messed up to take care of me, let alone her." Giles looked at the ground. He was silent for some time. Just as Buffy began to wonder if he was going to answer at all, he spoke softly, but intensely. "I can do it this time because she won't be the reason." "Reason for what?" He met her eyes. "Your death." "So you blamed her? I did what I had to do. That portal had to be closed." "So you threw away your life? You'd been looking for a way to give up for months, Buffy. And your behavior since you got back has been about giving up, too. I couldn't bear to watch it anymore." "It's your job to watch me." "It's my job to train you, to keep you alive. How was I to do that when you wanted so desperately to die?" Buffy blew out a frustrated breath and flopped on her back. "What did I have to live for? My life sucks, in case you haven't noticed." "Well so does mine. We both got a raw deal from fate, Buffy. That doesn't give us the right to give up." "Nobody told you to kill your little sister." "Nobody had to tell me what I had to do that night. I did it, and I have to live with it every day." "What are you talking about? All you had to do was help fight Glory. I beat her. She lost. She's not coming back." "No, she's not." Something in his tone made Buffy uneasy. Even as her stomach sank, she fought off the little voice that told her she didn't want to know what he meant. "What did you do, Giles? Tell me." "Are you sure you want to know this?" Buffy shuddered. "God, you really did it, didn't you? Ben was alive when I walked away. Are you telling me you murdered him?" "It was war, Buffy. I did what I had to do." "You took a human life!" "And the insane hellgod that shared that body. If I hadn't, we would all be dead, key or no key. You died to save the world. I killed for the same reason." "Why are you telling me this?" "You're the one who wanted to face all the difficult issues before deciding whether or not to be with me. You need to understand who I am, Buffy." "So I need to know that you're a murderer?" "No. No, Buffy, I'm not." "So you're, what? Some sort of hero? Well excuse me if I don't stand up and cheer." "I'm no hero, either. That's your job. And sometimes there are things which need to be done that would be wrong for a hero to do. I do those things. If Glory was to be defeated once and for all, Ben had to die. There was no choice." "Just like there was no choice but for Dawn to die?" "I seriously doubt that my suicide would have done much to prevent Glory's return. There was only one thing that would solve the problem and nobody to do it but me." "Ben was a human being." "When he was Ben. From what Dawn said afterwards, it seems that he was Ben less and less of the time. He'd already lost the battle. Glory would always be stronger. In a matter of months, possibly weeks, he would have been effectively dead anyway." "So that makes it okay to kill him?" "It was a choice between allowing Glory to live and kill us all or making sure she never came back again. Ben was already lost, either way. I - I did my best to see to it that he didn't suffer more than was necessary." "Like putting a dog to sleep, huh?" "A crude but not entirely inaccurate analogy. I didn't want Ben to die any more than I wanted Dawn dead. I'm glad Dawn is alive. I love her. But if it had come down to that choice, I would have done what needed to be done. I would have chosen your life over hers." "I would have killed you, you know." "I know. But you would have lived." "And that doesn't bother you?" "Of course it bothers me, Buffy. So do the memories. Do you know that until I ended up here with you I had nightmares every bloody night since the battle? Every night I kill Ben and watch you jump to your death in my sleep." Buffy stared at him. "Nightmares? You too? I keep digging myself out of my own grave. Or I did till I got here. I don't know why I stopped." "I know why I did. Every night since we got here, I've slept with you in my arms. I think my psyche finally figured out that you're alive." "And you're still number one with a guilt trip." "Is it working?" They both laughed nervously, then fell silent. At last Buffy spoke again. "Who would have thought this sharing thing would be so fun?" "It's certainly bracing, at any rate. And fairly fatiguing. I'm not used to this level of honesty." "Me neither." "Well, I suppose I'd best find someplace to sleep tonight." Giles stood and dusted off the seat of his jeans. "Where do you think you're going?" Buffy demanded. "Away?" "We just figured out we keep each other from having nightmares. That means you sorta have to stay. At least tonight. Otherwise we'll wake each other up from opposite ends of this stupid island." "Are you sure about this? I know you're fairly angry with me just now." "And you're not mad at me? Giles, you're so mad you're about to turn into one of those quiet guys who keep to themselves who suddenly go postal on a family of five and nobody knows why. Just stay. We can share some more in the morning. Maybe we can even find a way to still like each other." "Actually, I still like you very much. In fact, tonight you've been the Buffy I like best. When you challenge me, you teach me. In all the time we've known one another you've never let me get away with much of anything. I find that very attractive." Buffy shook her head. "You're about the strangest guy I've ever known. Okay, get changed. I'm not looking." Giles moved to the spot where he'd left his pajama pants and undressed. Unable to help herself, Buffy peeked about the same time he dropped his jeans to reveal nothing but Giles underneath. Her eyes widened, then she blinked. Somehow she managed to turn the tiny whimper that would escape her lips into a cough. Giles quickly grabbed on his bedclothes and returned to her side. "Are you quite alright, Buffy?" "Sure, Giles. I'm not contagious." She held the sleeping bag open for him to slide in beside her. He got in, doing his best to give Buffy as much room as possible. As soon as he was settled, Buffy scooted over and placed her head on Giles' shoulder. His shoulders stiffened. Buffy rolled over and raised her head. "Chill, Giles. I keep ending up all cuddled up with you anyway. I just thought I'd save us some time and hypocrisy tonight." "And you call me strange," he teased. "Alright, then, come here." He wrapped his arms around her gratefully. "Sleep well, Buffy." "Sweet dreams, Giles."
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