Title: Castaways 12/16
Author: Gileswench
Spoilers: Through Older and Far Away
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Giles was awakened by strong fingers clutching him too tightly. Buffy moaned and thrashed her head in her all too restless sleep. Her fingers tightened yet more in his chest hair. He yelped in pain and tried to disengage the slender fingers even as he spoke soothingly.

"Buffy? Buffy, it's alright. It's just a dream. Wake up now. Please wake up."

He hissed in pain again as she clutched wildly at him. He spoke more sharply.

"Buffy! Wake up now. Everything's okay."

Her eyes flew open. She was panting and bathed in sweat.

"Shhh," Giles soothed her. "It's all right, Buffy. It was just a dream."

"Giles...? Oh God, it was awful," she babbled. She looked at her hands where she still held tufts of Giles' chest hair in a death grip. She let go immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone again, Giles."

"Of course you're not going to hurt anyone, Buffy," Giles assured her as he petted the hair back from her forehead. "Now why don't you try to calm yourself and tell me what you dreamed that was so terrible?"

"That's just it, Giles," she told him miserably. "It wasn't a dream. I mean, it was now, but it really happened. I really did it."

"What are you talking about? What did you do?"

"I tried to kill her. Faith."

"I know, Buffy. But you didn't kill her. She survived."

"I tried. And not even to save the world. Just Angel."

"It was a long time ago, Buffy."

"And that makes it okay?"

"No. It doesn't. But it's something you can't change."

"At least you had an excuse. Ben would have lost. You're right. And Glory would have come after us again. Faith..."

"Would have done the same in a heartbeat and you know it."

"That's a pretty casual attitude about killing people you got there."

Giles shook his head.

"I'm not in the least casual about this. If I was, I wouldn't have the nightmares. No, I'm just...I suppose you could say I'm a realist about it. You and I are warriors, Buffy. In war one must do things that would be unacceptable in normal life."

"But that's not why I went for Faith. I didn't care about right and wrong or war and peace. All I could see was Angel was dying. I didn't care if the world blew up as long as Angel lived. I didn't care if I died as long as he lived. Was that when I gave up? Was that when I started wanting to die?"

"No. That was when you temporarily lost focus. I won't lie; I was glad when Angel left. Your love for him was obsessive. It clouded your judgment. And I don't think either of you was a terribly good influence on the other. But I didn't want him dead - not by that point. And Faith was a danger to us all while Angel was an ally. Not always a comfortable one, but an ally all the same. He was useful in the battle against the Mayor, while Faith might have been one enemy too many. Your motives, and even your choices, may have been questionable, but I don't know that we would have won the day had you acted otherwise."

Buffy smile wryly.

"Nice tapdance there, Giles. Savion Glover should take lessons from you."

"If you liked that, you should see my Swan Lake." Giles pulled Buffy a bit closer into his arms. "I'm not saying what you did was right, merely that it was necessary. That's a rather different thing."

Buffy smoothed the soft hair on his chest thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier," she said. "I guess I just always like to think of you as a better person than me, and for a minute I was scared you weren't. But the status quo is safely restored. I can now return to my regularly scheduled fuck ups already in progress. Speaking of which, sorry I pulled your hair. That had to hurt."

"It was extremely painful," Giles admitted with a silent chuckle, "but I think I'll live."

"Still, I owe you."

"Buffy, you were asleep. You didn't know what you were doing."

"Giles? Shut up. I'm trying to apologize here. That only happens once in a very blue moon, so just be quiet and take it like a man."

With that she leaned down and pressed her lips to his chest. Giles sucked in a surprised breath.

"What are you doing?"

"Kissing it better. How'm I doing?"

She bent and kissed his chest again Giles took hold of Buffy's shoulders.

"A bit too well if you want it to stop at an apology."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Not particularly, no. But if you do, I suggest you do so now."

"Oh. Sorry." Buffy pulled back a bit, though she left her hands on his chest. "Giles?"

"Yes, Buffy?"

"Could you remind me again why it was I wanted to stop?"

"Because you need to be certain this is what you want. And I do recall something about breaking up with Spike first."

Buffy rolled to her back and groaned as she slapped her forehead with her own hand.

"I still can't believe what an idiot I was. How did I sink that low?"

"People in despair do self destructive things. I understand, Buffy."

"Then could you maybe explain it to me again? I'm not the brain you are."

"You are every bit as much of a brain as I am, Buffy. Yours simply works in different ways. Mysterious ones, I'll grant you..."

He laughed as she gave him a soft slap on the arm.

"Okay, okay. So I'm brain girl. I just haven't been using it lately."

"I haven't been much better. We've both made mistakes. We're neither of us pure or unscarred. In point of fact, we're both terribly human. And because our circumstances are so fantastic, we make much bigger and more disastrous mistakes than most. Let's not talk them to death anymore. Let's move on."

"And this moving on would consist of...what, exactly?"

"Where do you want to get to?"

Buffy looked up at the blanket that formed the ceiling of the tent and frowned in concentration.

"Me. I want to find me again. Does that sound as weird to you as it does to...whoever this is that's been hanging out in my body?"

Giles rolled to his side and spoke gently to Buffy.

"You are you. You've been in your body the whole time. What you've done in the past few months is now a piece of who you are. You can't change that. The important thing is what you choose now. You can allow a few bad decisions to swallow all the good in you, or you can choose to learn from the experience and face your life in a healthier, more balanced way. Either way, you are still you."

"I knew that," Buffy sighed. "I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it. Okay, so I can't blame it all on my evil twin Skippy anymore. You said it, Tara said it, and Spike said it. The big difference is Spike told me I *was* my evil twin Skippy. Now the vote is two to one. And I think I'd rather listen to you and Tara."

"Then do."

"That simple, huh?"

"It's simple, but it isn't easy. The darkness can be quite...seductive."

"So how do you fight it?"

"By keeping in mind how much nicer it is in the sun."

"Okay. Bring on the suntan lotion. I'm heading for the light. Not the light when you, y'know...'cause, been there, done that, not really looking forward to trip number three."

"I understood you," Giles chuckled. "That's my girl."

"Your girl," Buffy mused. "Y'know, I'm starting to like the sound of that." Her eyes became serious as she reached up to stroke his cheek. "When we get back, though, what happens? Will you stay with me, or will we just shake hands and go our separate but equal ways?"

Giles bowed his head. He spoke softly but vehemently.

"I want to be with you. I want to stay by your side. But if I'm to stay, there will have to be some changes made. I have to be a part of your life, Buffy. And in case you're worried, I don't mean that I will only return as your lover. That is up to you, to decide in your own time in your own way. If I come back, I won't pressure you or try to make you love me if you don't. But you must tell me what is happening in your life. You have to tell me when you need help; when things start to overwhelm you. And just because you tell me you have a problem doesn't mean I'll fix it for you. You have to do the work. I'll advise you all you need, but you are in charge of your life."

"And...if I do want you...if we're together?"

"The same rules apply. I'll just be a great deal less sexually frustrated, and therefore usually in a better mood."

Buffy smiled wryly.

"That's almost reason enough to get together, right there."

Giles laughed and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"If it's right, you'll find a better reason. Now let's get some sleep."

The pair curled up together, both relieved that they could do so without the barriers that had always stood between them before. This time, Buffy was aware when Giles wrapped his arms around her, and he smiled when she snuggled closer with a happy sigh.

*****

Title Page
Author's Page
NEXT