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Title: Castaways 6/16 "Oof!" Buffy grunted as she hauled herself from Giles' shoulders into the plane. She stood, dusted herself off and turned back to the door. "What am I looking for again?" "Anything of use. Tools, blankets, food and drink. If it looks like we might be able to use it, toss it down. Carefully. Oh, and see if you can find any clues about why Ethan did this or where he might be." "Y'know, when all this is over, I am so going to pay Ethan a visit. He needs to be introduced to the concept of pain in a big way." "Trust me, Buffy, he's already well acquainted with pain. One might say they're old friends." "Friends? As in he likes...how do you know that?" "Buffy, please. Just find anything useful and bring it down. I'm not in the mood to discuss Ethan's proclivities just now." "Pro-who-de-whats?" "Intimate preferences." "Oh. Right. So...stuff. Getting it. I'm on that because it's job number one...and completely other than knowing anything about Ethan and pain- liking." Buffy shuddered slightly as she turned to explore the plane. She began a thorough search of every space that might be big enough to store so much as a soda can. Unfortunately, looking in and under things to see if there were other things there didn't take too much brain power. Her mind took the opportunity to call her a hypocrite for being disgusted at the thought of Ethan wanting to be hurt in bed when she'd allowed Spike to do such degrading things to her. She deliberately pushed that thought from her mind. She couldn't help it if that was what Spike wanted. It was like the maid's uniform Riley had requested that one time. She'd felt really strange doing it, but if that was what it took to please him, that was what she had to do. At least that was just dumb and hokey. Buffy resolutely turned her attention back to the task at hand. She opened a cupboard and peered inside. ***** For the rest of the day, Buffy and Giles both did their best to stay off potentially difficult subjects. The plane had turned out to hold several useful items, including some rope and blankets Giles thought he might be able to jury rig into a tent, some mixed nuts and cans of stew, and one sleeping bag. One large sleeping bag with a note pinned to it which read: 'Sweet dreams, Ripper. I know mine would be.' It was simply signed 'E'. "I was wondering when we would get to the gloatage," Buffy observed wryly when Giles handed it to her to read. "I think Ethan's getting smarter, though. He's gloating long distance where we can't sock him in the jaw." Giles shook his head. "This is a very strange prank he's pulled this time. He's gone to a fair amount of trouble to make certain we aren't actually harmed. He's even left us with food, shelter, and sleeping facilities, however crude and uncomfortable. The water is perfectly safe to drink. The climate here is mild. It doesn't make sense." "Look," Buffy said as she hauled out another find, "he even left you some tea and a pot to make it in." "Curious," Giles said. "Of course, if he really cared, he'd have left a Mr. Coffee, too." "You'll have to make do with tea or do without caffeine, I suppose." "Trust me, you'll be happier if you just share the tea. I'm not pretty in caffeine withdrawal." "Nor am I, so we'd best ration ourselves. We have no idea how long it's going to have to last." Buffy stood abruptly. "I think I'll go take a dip in the stream. I've got sand all over me." Without waiting for a reply, she strode off. Giles watched her go with a sigh. "Blast you, Ethan," he breathed. "What the hell are you up to?" He returned to his efforts to set up camp properly. His hands stilled when he thought of the sleeping bag. "Buffy can have it," he muttered. "I can sleep on the ground." One look reminded him it was more than big enough for two. And it had felt so good, so right somehow, to hold her the night before. They had spent the day arguing, but in the night it seemed they couldn't help pulling together as they always had in the past. What had happened to them to bring them to this place? How much good had he done by leaving after all? How could they possibly fix this mess and get back some small part of what they had once had? Too many questions swam through Giles' brain. He sighed and lit the fire with his cigarette lighter. A spot of tea would be soothing about now. ***** Buffy sighed contentedly as the cool water lapped around her body. It had been a very long time since anything had felt so good. This felt...clean. She ducked her head under the surface. When she popped back up, she shook her head vigorously and hummed happily. The day had been hot and it felt good to cool off. Plus there was the fact that she knew Spike wasn't there, and her job was hundreds of miles away. No pressure. Just sun, sand, and Giles. Not that things were going well with him. Buffy frowned at that thought. He was so angry and resentful. Not that he didn't have at least some reason, Buffy admitted to herself. After all, why would he want to be with her? Hadn't he flown halfway across the globe to escape her? Yup, the men were moving farther and farther away. If Spike gave up on her, he'd probably have to go to Mars to outdo the others. Of course, all the others she'd slept with first. All except Giles. Not that she wanted to do it with him. Even if he did look awfully good with his clothes off. Just as well since he couldn't stand to be around her anymore. And who could blame him? Most days she didn't want to be around herself. No. She resigned herself. When she got back to civilization she would do better. She would treat Spike well and not hit him anymore. She would work hard to get her five year badge and be a good Doublemeat employee. Maybe then Giles would see how hard she was trying and come back. Maybe then he'd like her again. She ducked her head under the water again. This time, when she surfaced, she felt dirtier than she had when she got in the water. ***** By the time Buffy got back to camp, Giles was sipping his tea. He looked peaceful. Before she'd reached his side, Giles had poured her a cup. "Here, drink this before you catch your death." "Thanks, Giles." Giles cocked his head to one side and studied Buffy for a moment. "Are you alright, Buffy? Did something happen while you were at the stream?" "Just thinking." "What about?" "Stuff. Lots of stuff," Buffy said. She stared into her cup for some time. "I know I've messed up a lot lately, Giles. I've been awful to everyone and that's why they all left me. But I want to do better. I just don't know how." "Left...who's left you, Buffy?" "Everybody. Except Spike. And I really don't know why he puts up with me, either." "Because he needs you." "What? I don't get that." "He needs you, Buffy. He can't feed, he's constantly getting in trouble with one demon or another. He's an outcast in the underworld. If it wasn't for you, somebody would have staked him ages ago." "He loves me," she protested. "He uses you when it suits his purpose. I'll admit he's been helpful several times, but the fact remains he's not some fluffy pet. He's a vampire; a soulless demon animating a long dead corpse. He's not your friend and you should be on your guard against him." Buffy looked at the sand. She couldn't meet Giles' eyes. "So I guess now wouldn't be a good time to mention I've been...y'know...with him." She held her breath, waiting for the angry words to start so she could protest them. The silence stretched on endlessly. "Will you please say something; anything?" "What is there to say?" he asked. "You know this is wrong." "I know it is, but I'm going to make it better." "So you plan to end it? Good." "No! I - I can't do that. I have to make it better. If I don't, I'll be alone." "Who told you that?" "Spike. And he's right. I don't belong with the others anymore. I don't deserve them after everything I've done." "What have you done that makes you unfit for human society?" Giles asked quietly. Despite his mild tone, his jaw was clenched and his fingers gripped his cup of tea until the knuckles turned white. "I hit him. He can hit me back, but he hardly ever does anymore. And then he does stuff to me...the sort of stuff you said Ethan likes. I can't stop him. I owe him." Giles hurled his cup away and stood. He stalked a few feet away and rubbed his hand over his face. Buffy flinched and pulled her arms tight around herself. "Please don't be mad at me, Giles." He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before he returned to Buffy's side. He sat carefully beside her, almost touching her, but not quite. Buffy could feel the warmth of his body and part of her wanted to lean into it, but she held as still as she could. She felt herself tense for a blow. Her stomach knotted. Just when she thought she couldn't bear the silence anymore, Giles spoke. "I am mad at you, Buffy," he said, "but not nearly as mad as I am at Spike." Buffy looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. Giles cupped her cheek in his hand as he spoke to her. "Spike doesn't love you. He's using you. And you're letting him do it. You're letting him put the blame for the whole sorry mess on you. And you're letting him make you weak." "You've got it wrong, Giles. I'm using him. I did this." "But look at how you talk about this: you'll be alone if you end it, he does stuff to you, you owe him, Spike says, you're to blame. Every excuse you make for him strengthens him and weakens you. What became of the woman who had the courage to fight back when Spike chained her up and tried to force her to love him last year? Just one year ago, Buffy. Where is the woman who made the Council shut up and take her orders? I know she's still in there. It's time for her to stand up and make some better choices." "I don't have a lot of choices." "No, you don't," he agreed. "But you have better ones available to you than this. You could get a better job. You can leave Spike. You can even stake him. It is, after all, your sacred duty to kill vampires. Fraternizing with the enemy never ends well." "Is that something out of the handbook you never showed me?" "You might say it's the voice of experience." Buffy's jaw dropped. "You had sex with a vampire?" Giles smiled at her shock. "No, I didn't. Live women have cold enough feet. I prefer someone who can keep me warm at night." He sobered quickly. "No, I was talking about quite a different unsuitable partner." "Oh," Buffy said in confusion. Then the penny dropped. "Oh! You mean...you and Ethan...wow. Didn't see that one coming. So that's how you knew that Ethan likes being hurt in bed." "No, that's how I know Ethan likes to hurt his lovers." "And again, all I can think of to say is oh." "When I met up with Ethan and the others, I was a very angry young man. I wanted to get as far from my old life as I could. Well, I did it. There was nothing in that life my parents would have recognized. Half the time we didn't have a roof over our heads and when we did it wasn't much of one. We drank heavily and experimented with all manner of drugs. And then there was the magic. One night, after a particularly debauched party, I ended up in Ethan's bed - we actually had beds that night - and one thing led to another...we went from having a fistfight to...well...I suppose you know what it led to. We even broke the bloody bed." "That's nothing. Spike and I took down a whole building. It was already in pretty bad shape, but no need for a wrecking ball now." "When I woke up the next morning, I felt utterly degraded. Ethan played me perfectly. He knew exactly how guilty I would feel and he used my conscience against me at every turn. He would goad me into hitting him and then tell me he loved me. And then there was the sex. It was unlike anything I'd ever done before, and I'd been fairly enthusiastic about it up to that point. There had been several girls, but I'd never tried anything...out of the ordinary before. Then Ethan wanted to play what he called 'trust games'." "Did you? Trust him?" Giles shook his head. "Not for an instant. But I let him tie me up anyway. I still have a scar from that night." "So what happened?" "Eyghon. It was about a week later that Randall died and I came to my senses. I went home, sobered up, fast talked my way back into the Council, and they fast talked me back into Oxford. I never told a soul about what Ethan and I were to one another. Too ashamed, I suppose. So now you know." "And you and Tara are the only ones who know about Spike. And she doesn't know the half of it. So, is there anything I've ever done that you can't top?" "Not a great deal, though, as I said, vampires are your fetish, not mine." Buffy finally leaned against Giles and breathed a sigh of relief. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and leaned his head against hers as they gazed into the flickering firelight. After a time, Buffy spoke again. "Giles?" "Yes, Buffy?" "If I break up with Spike and try to get a better job, is there any chance you might come back? Everything's wrong since you left." He squeezed her arm a bit tighter. "We'll see, Buffy. We'll see."
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