Title: Sorry, Not This Way 1/1
Author: Danielle
E-mail: PrincessCashew@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Chosen
Summary: Xander is dealing after Sunnydale
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, and whoever has rights to these people in court. Do not sue me, I'm poor anyway.
Distribution: Whoever wants it can have it, just e-mail me first so I can come and visit.
He doesn't want anyone to know. So he jokes along with them about the mall, and plays his part
(It's always been me! Big funny Xander!)
but it's not right. She's down there, somewhere in that huge hole in the ground, and it hurts. It hurts all over, and he's fighting against running to her.
No one knows about any of it. The sex, or the feelings, or how he never really expected to move on from her. He doesn't want them to see how even though he loves her, he couldn't stop pushing her away.
(You and Anya give me hope.)
He's buzzing, and this is wrong. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. She's supposed to be ok. She's always supposed to be ok.
He was stupid. Stupid so many times over. He didn't have to walk away from her, not like that. Not with everyone watching. Not while she had that look in her eyes. Not when she was crying.
(I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.)
He walks away now too, to the other side of the bus, and vomits into the dirt. He should have looked for her, gotten her out.
(We'll die together. It's romantic)
He should be crying.
He loved her, and loves her and will always love her. She was his girl. His girl who wanted babies and a house while she wore his ring on her finger and he couldn't give it to her.
(I think I'm gonna live a long and silly life and I'm not interested in doing that without you around)
He doesn't know how this is going to happen. How he's going to keep waking up in the morning, and know that she's never going to be there next to him again. At least before, he thought, maybe, later, they would be a they again. That the whole thing could just be a set-back in the big picture show that is life. That they weren't done with for good.
He was saving her from the future, he'd told himself anyway. That he had been protecting her from being stuck with him, and all of his faults. That he couldn't offer her a forever
(I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.)
unless he was sure he wasn't going to mess it up like so many other things in his life got. He didn't want to wind up like his parents. He didn't want them to be older, and angrier and aching inside, forever trapped hating one another. But that's never going to happen. He was scared of something that could never be. Retrospect is a bitch.
A little over a year. Why couldn't he have given her that? They would have been happy with that. Maybe this wouldn't stab as much.
But it would. It would have to. She's dead. No, she died. She has become past tense, and it jolts through him all again, leaving him bent over and gagging. Anya died.
(I'm going to get old)
His vision's spinning, and he doesn't know if it's because he's shaking, or something else. He can feel sweat, everywhere on his body, this clamminess that is sinking deeper into his bones. He's alone now.
She was alone.
(Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.)
While the building caved in,
(I'm sorry. I am so sorry.)
and everything fell apart,
(We'll die together. It's romantic)
she was there all by herself.
(I am so sorry.)
He should have been with her. He should have died with her. He thinks again, that he should be crying, but he realizes, he already has been.
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