He walked me to the door, and kind of stood at the entryway unsure about what he was supposed to do. I was a little unsure too. I'd lied about Willow and Tara knowing. No one knew anything; he was the only person in on it, well and now Lorraine too. Everyone else I could hide it pretty well from, wasn't around them much anyway.
If he came in and told them all that he'd taken me home from work because I was sick I'd never hear the end of it. But if they weren't there, and he left…I didn't want to be alone in the house. I made sure that someone was always home with me.
"Spike, why don't you come in, I don't want to be here by myself."
"And if the others are in there? What then?"
"Why don't we wait and see. Please, I have to sit down." Suddenly caretaker Spike reared his head again and seemed ready to pick me up and carry me over the threshold. Not what I had in mind at all for tonight.
I unlocked the deadbolt and called from the front hallway. "Anyone home? Guys?"
There was no response and I motioned for Spike to come inside while removing my jacket. His hands were quickly on the sleeves, slowly taking them off one by one; then moving towards my hips, leading me towards the stairs. So definitely not what I had in mind for tonight.
"Spike come on. We've gone over this."
"Gone over what pet?"
"Well first off the names, no more pet. My name is Buffy. Buffeeeeeeeeee. Buffy. And Spike, I'm in no condition or interested in having sex tonight."
"God! You're a bloody bitch you know that. Did you ever think that I just wanted to take care of you, that you're important to me and I love you and that it's not just about sex? Because it isn't Buffy. I wouldn't be here right now if it were about sex. Maybe I shouldn't be here, because that's all you think I want." He turned to leave, and I knew I messed up.
"Don't go. It's not what I meant to say."
"You meant it alright. You've told me before, it's over. I just have to get it through my thick head. I'm a pig and I'm disgusting right Buffy? A soulless, undead creature of the night not even worthy enough to touch your
sacred flesh. You're the hero and I'm nothing more than the dragon. So why don't you just slay me already?"
"Because I'm scared." The answer is honest, and it hurts to just say it. I know that I'm scared, terrified even, but I'm not supposed to be. Not Buffy, not the girl who the fate of the world rests upon. But I am, and hearing it out loud causes tears to dribble from their ducts. "I'm scared that I'm not good enough to be Dawn's guardian. And I'm scared that I'm just driving everyone away, because that's exactly what I'm doing. I keep telling you to get out of my life, and my sister hates me. I tried to kill my friends. Really racking up the points in the keeping people around department. But you know what frightens me the most? Dying. I can't die again."
"You're not going to die. What makes you think that?"
"My mother was sick like this right before they found the tumor. These were my mother's symptoms, and I can't have cancer Spike. I can't. There's Dawn, and the house, and who's going to take care of her." It wasn't that though, I was more worried about who was going to take care of me. But there's really no one left is there?
"These are two completely different things Buffy."
"But what if they're not? What if this is some genetic malfunction?" I'm crying worse now, after saying this all, everything I swore I wouldn't share, and that gnawing in my stomach is back with a vengeance. "What if I'm right and I'm going to have a hemorrhage and die on the living room sofa just like she did? All alone."
"Is that why you want someone here all the time now? Because you're afraid of that?" I thought he would laugh when he figured it out, make some witty remark about the strong and powerful Slayer, but he only looks at me with sad eyes and comes closer. "Oh Buffy," and it's only said within a sigh, but I hear it anyway. "That's not going to happen to you. Not ever. I wouldn't let it." He's holding me; those arms that always make me forget only a millisecond about why I hurt. "Why don't we go upstairs, get you into the bath and then bed. You need to rest."
"I think maybe I do." The tears have stopped, and surprisingly I feel better after sharing it than I did when I was keeping it hidden.
"You'll go to sleep tonight, and we'll talk about this in the morning. We'll go to a doctor, get some tests done if you're really worried about it. Your beloved Scooby Gang will be happy to help."
"Don't get them involved yet."
"Whatever you want Buffy."
"You'll stay tonight, at least until they come home?"
"As long as you need me."
"Might be for awhile."
"Don't worry, I'm in for the long haul Buffy."
I head upwards, but he remains below, leaning on the banister. "Can you do me one more thing?" I ask, turning towards him.
"What's that?"
"Call me whatever you like, I'm not so fond of Buffy. Too much of an e sound at the end."
He smirks, he doesn't want to laugh, but the expression makes me want to. "Alright luv." And I walk on, a little more content than I've been.
So Feedback to ME!
