~*Holding You Forever*~
AJ McLean stared despondently out over the ocean as he took another drag off his cigarette. He shifted in his wheelchair and sighed heavily as he had done so many times in the past months. Too many times.
< God, who would have ever guessed I would end up like this? > he thought bitterly. < I used to have so much. But just like love, everything goes away eventually. >
The smoke from the cigarette lazily curled upward into the sky. As AJ watched it, wondering if there really was anything up there but clouds, his mind drifted back to that fateful night when his whole world had been turned upside down. . . .
Five months earlier. . .
"Bone, get your ass out of the bathroom! You could not possibly get any better looking, so pry yourself away from the mirror! We’re gonna be late!" yelled AJ’s fellow Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson.
AJ glanced once more into the mirror and decided Kev was right. He turned off the light and ran out the door, where he was greeted by applause from all four of his "brothers".
"Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the Bonedaddy! It was a long, hard road to recovery, but Mirrorholics Anonymous finally worked!" said Brian Littrell in his best announcer’s voice.
"Guys, please. You know I have to look good. I’m proposing to the woman of my dreams after the party," AJ defended himself. he realized, his heart rate quickening at the thought.
"What are you looking so nervous about, buddy? You know she’ll say yes," Howie Dorough said reassuringly.
AJ swallowed. "Who’s nervous? All I have to worry about is what the fans might do to her . . . and to me."
"Aw, come on. I think after nine years they should be over all the girlfriend envy," said Nick Carter, shaking his blond head.
"Girlfriends, yes. But marriage? That’s a whole other thing. How could you forget all the commotion when Kevy got married?" AJ sighed.
"Well, I got three words for all those chicks who think they’re gonna marry you," said Nick. "Deal with it."
AJ smiled at that. "Thanks, Nick. You know what, I’m not even going to worry about it. This is MY happiness we’re talking about here, not theirs."
"Right on, Bone!" chorused the guys, raising their fists in the air.
Grinning, AJ tipped his furry purple hat. "So let’s go!"
They all went out the back way of the Radisson Hotel in New York, with bodyguards on all sides.
After they’d settled themselves in the stretch limousine, Brian leaned forward and tapped AJ.
"Come on man, you have to show us the ring now," he said eagerly.
Without a word, AJ slipped his hand in the pocket of his long leather coat and pulled out a small grey box. He opened it with a flourish to reveal a large, gorgeous diamond.
Kevin, Brian, Howie and Nick’s eyes all grew big at the sight of it.
"Damn, AJ," said Nick with a whistle. "That is some rock."
"Mya’s going to love it," Brian predicted.
"That’s what I’m hoping," AJ said, carefully putting the box back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the limo pulled up in front of another hotel, where the album release party for their newest creation, Finally, was being held.
The Boys hurried out of the limo, waving to all the fans that had gathered in hopes of catching a glimpse of their idols.
Just before he got inside, AJ spotted a sign held by a fan that said AJ, Marry Me! He blew a kiss to that girl, smiling over the irony of the whole thing.
The party room of the hotel was absolutely packed. < How am I ever going to find Mya in all of this? > AJ wondered anxiously. Just then Brian nudged him.
"There’s your girl over there, bud," he said, pointing.
AJ looked over to where his long-time girlfriend Mya Fallon was talking to a few fans that had won a contest to be at the party. For a minute, he was content just to watch her talk and laugh, her long golden-highlighted brown hair swaying with every tilt of her head. Just seeing her made him smile. That’s when he knew he was in love. Mya was AJ’s everything, and he couldn’t wait to ask her to make it permanent.
AJ quickly strode over to where Mya was standing, coming up behind her. He put his finger over his lips, silently telling the two teenage fans not to say anything.
"Guess who?" he said in a high-pitched voice, putting his hands over her eyes.
"Magic?" she guessed with a smile, using her pet name for him. She’d always said that AJ brought magic into her life.
"That’s right baby," he said as she spun around and gave him a kiss.
"I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you all day!"
"Me too. How was your audition?"
Mya’s eyes lit up. She loved talking about her budding acting career. "It went really well. I think they liked me."
AJ gave her a hug. "That’s great, Spice!"
Mya made a face. "I still don’t get why you call me that."
"You spice up my life! Anyway, I’ll have to put you in a BSB music video one of these days."
"But then there will be all these rumors about how I had to sleep with one of the members to get the job," she joked.
"Well that’s true, isn’t it?" AJ said, kissing her cheek.
Mya playfully shoved him away. "Maybe not anymore, after that comment!"
"Ah, they’re at it again," Brian announced, coming up to them with a beautiful blond on his arm.
"Ugh, what street corner did you find her on?" Mya said in mock disgust, referring to the blond.
"The same one they kicked you off of," retorted Laura, who was Mya’s cousin.
"Ladies, ladies," AJ cut in. "No catfights here, please." He grinned. "I just might have to jump in the middle to separate you."
"And we definitely don’t want that. Who knows where your hands would end up?" Mya teased.
< Damn, how does she always get me like that? I just want her so much. > AJ thought, observing her beautiful smile and the way her nose crinkled up when she laughed.
"Come on stud, let’s go dance," said Mya, leading AJ away to a less crowded part of the dance floor. One of the many things the two had in common, they were both excellent dancers.
As the night wore on, AJ got more and more nervous, although he would never admit it. He went through all the motions of acting normal, talking to fans, joking around with everybody and grabbing all the attention, but inside his stomach was twisted in knots.
"AJ, is there something wrong?" Mya asked, pulling him off to the side.
"Uh, no! What makes you think that?" AJ replied, trying to sound normal.
"Well, you are acting WAY crazy, even for you. I know something’s up," she prodded.
< She knows me so well > AJ thought fondly. "You know me too well. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I have something special planned for after the party. I’m just nervous that I’ll screw it up." < You have no idea. >
Mya gave him a sweet smile. "Well, whatever it is, I’ll love it even if you do screw it up. Don’t worry about it."
Suddenly AJ felt a whole lot more confident about things. "You’ll love it. I promise."
Around midnight, AJ decided it would be a good time to leave the party and take Mya to Jumper, the dance club where they had first laid eyes on each other two 1/2 years ago. That was where he planned to propose.
When AJ found Mya, she had just bumped into somebody and gotten wine spilled all over her dress.
"Damn, damn, damn," she complained, trying to dry herself off. "This dress was the shit! Now it’s ruined. I’ve got wine all over the front of me."
"I could lick it off for you," AJ said seductively.
"Not here you won’t. But maybe later I’ll just spill a whole bottle. . .or not!" Mya teased, seeing the look on AJ’s face.
"Damn Spice, why do you always tease me like that?" he whined.
She giggled. "Because I can."
AJ tugged on her arm. "Hey, are you ready for the little surprise I have for you? I’m ready to go now."
"But I have to go change. I’m not going anywhere in this dress," Mya protested.
"Just come with me. I can have the limo stop by your place first," AJ said as they threaded their way through the crowd, heading towards the entrance.
"I have a cab waiting for me, though. It’s been out there since I got here."
"Someone as gorgeous as you shouldn’t have to ride in a cab," AJ coaxed, kissing Mya’s forehead.
"Oh, you think you can convince me just by using that charm whenever it’s convenient?"
AJ grinned, knowing he had won. "Yes."
"You’re right," Mya sighed, relenting. "Alright, let me just go tell the cab driver he’s been waiting out there for nothing. Be right back."
After Mya had gone, AJ went to find the other Boys and tell them he was leaving.
Seeing Brian and Nick across the room, AJ went over and told them.
"Good luck, Bone," Brian said, punching his shoulder.
"Where’s Mya?" asked Kevin, coming over with his wife Stephanie.
"She went outside to dismiss her cab driver. She should be back soon."
"Well then, see you when you’re engaged!" Nick said, reaching under AJ’s hat to mess up his hair.
"Hey, man," AJ said, backing up and pointing at Nick. "Not the hair."
All 4 guys laughed and wished him good luck as he made his way back to the entrance, where Mya was waiting for him.
"Shall we?" he said, linking arms with her.
"I still think I should’ve just taken the cab to my place," said Mya as they got into the limo and it started on its way.
"Will you forget about that? What could be better than being here with me?" AJ said, putting on his puppy dog face.
Mya laughed and snuggled up to AJ, laying her head in the crook of his neck.
"You know, I’d be happy just holding you like this all night," said AJ affectionately.
"J, save the mushy stuff for later," came her reply. "But you know what?"
"What?"
"I’d be happy with you holding me forever."
"Now who’s being mushy?" AJ said, smiling. He felt like he had it all: A very successful career, money, and he was about to propose to someone he loved more than anything in this world.
How ironic, he was to think later, that everything happened when he was so happy.
All AJ remembered, after it was all over, was that there was sound of screeching breaks, a horrible jolting sensation, and a single scream. Then everything grew dark as his consciousness faded.
***********************
For a period of time that seemed like forever, but could have been only a second, AJ saw nothing but darkness and occasional shadowy figures lurking in the background of his mind. He felt like he was underwater, struggling to reach the top, but being held down by something. Then after what seemed like eternity, he surfaced and forced his eyes open.
Everything was a fuzzy white. < Oh my God, I’ve lost my sight! > was AJ’s first frantic thought. Then things gradually became clear, and he relaxed, but only for a second until he realized that he was in a hospital room.
< What happened > he thought, trying to clear his head. < And why does it feel like half of me is missing? >
A familiar figure entered the room. It was AJ’s mother, Denise, looking like she’d lost her only child.
< Wait a minute. I’m her only child > AJ tried several times to speak before he actually got his voice to work.
"Mom!"
Denise looked up, startled. Then her eyes filled with tears as she rushed to the side of the bed where her son lay.
"Baby, my baby," she whispered over and over, hugging him tightly.
AJ started crying too, although he wasn’t quite sure why. He knew something horrible had happened, but was afraid to ask what.
"Mom, what’s---what happened to me?" he asked nervously. He waited for her to smile and say everything would be fine, but that response never came. Instead, Denise just looked at him sadly.
"I’ll go get the doctors and call everybody," she said quickly. "We’ll talk when you’ve been examined."
"Yeah, be sure to call Mya, too. I wanna see my girl." AJ said as Denise turned to leave. The way she stopped and shook her head slightly told him something was very wrong. She didn’t say anything however, just continued on her way out the door.
An icy chill ran down AJ’s spine. The sensation that something was missing remained. He tried to stretch his legs, but they wouldn’t respond. In fact, he couldn’t feel anything below his waist. He slumped back against the hospital pillows in a state of disbelief.
"No," AJ said, shaking his head vigorously, as if that would make it all go away. "No!" This cry brought his mother back in, along with several doctors, who immediately started checking him over.
"Why in the hell can’t I feel anything?" he asked shakily, nearly crying again.
Denise bent down and hugged him again. "Honey," she started, then bit her lip, knowing what she was about to say would devastate AJ. "You aren’t--you can’t--"
"Your spinal chord was severed in the accident and you’re paralyzed," said one of the doctors.
AJ was too stunned to say anything. He felt numb, no thought, no feeling. There was a roaring in his ears, as well as a silent scream too intense to be voiced.
< Paralyzed > The word echoed over and over in his head. < I can’t walk anymore. I’ll never dance again. Never run across a stage again. How can I ever perform like this? From a wheelchair?? >
"You must have made a mistake," AJ said desperately. "Mom, tell them they’re wrong."
Denise gently took her son’s hand. "X-rays and scans don’t lie, sweetie."
Harshly, AJ shoved her hand away. What he felt now was an intense anger.
"What accident? Tell me how I got here, dammit!" he shouted, tears running down his face.
"You and Mya were in a limousine, a truck ran a red light and hit it head on. . ."
Slowly, it all started coming back. That night. . .he was going to propose. . .the screeching tires, the sickening crunch of metal. Mya had been in his arms.
"Mya!" he said suddenly. "Mom, what happened to Mya? She’s ok, right?" AJ looked into his mother’s eyes, begging her to give him at least some good news
< Why should anyone have to be hit with things like this all at the same time? He can’t handle so much at once > Denise thought sadly.
"Mya’s. . .she didn’t make it, AJ," she said gently.
The expression that came over AJ’s face broke Denise’s heart. He turned his head away and stared into space.
"Then I don’t want to live, either," he whispered, his voice filled with pain. Now he knew the reason it felt like half of him was missing, aside from his paralysis. Mya was gone. She would be forever missing, along with a part of his heart and soul.
It was at that point that AJ stopped caring whether he lived or died. Because as far as he was concerned, the main things he had lived for were gone.
***********************
For the next week, AJ just sat in his hospital bed, not eating or talking to anybody. He couldn’t get Mya out of his head, how she had looked that night, or stop hearing her voice. < I’d be happy with you holding me forever > The last words she’d said to him. "I would’ve held you forever. I would have done anything for you to be here right now," he said aloud to the empty room, tears running down his face. Since AJ had been sitting in silence, he hadn’t gotten the details of the accident. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He wondered what had happened to the engagement ring. He wondered a lot of things.
When his friends came in to see him, they were shocked by AJ’s appearance. Gone was the warm, crazy, funny guy that had commanded people’s full attention wherever he went. He had lost 20 pounds. He just lay in his bed, his eyes shadowed by grief.
Denise and all his friends didn’t know what to do. The Backstreet Boys’ performances were suffering because AJ wasn’t there and they were worried about him. Their fans were also worried, as well as the rest of his friends and family. Nobody’s life was the same.
Brian was sitting by AJ’s bed one day when he finally spoke.
"Do you know what her last words to me were?" AJ almost whispered
Brian tried to keep from jumping for joy at the fact that AJ was talking. "What, Bone?"
"She said she’d be happy with me holding her forever."
Brian regarded AJ, smiling sadly, wondering if he should try something. "I could tell you what happened that night. Do you want to know?"
AJ took in a sharp breath. "No!" he said heatedly. Then after a moment, "Yes. I have to know."
"Just tell me if you want me to stop. As you already know, the limo was hit head-on by a truck that ran a red light. It flipped over and then skidded several hundred feet. Mya was. . .gone when the ambulance got there. Her head was hit really hard by something, and she just couldn’t survive it. The driver was killed too. You were unconscious for 3 weeks. The doctors said you probably wouldn’t wake up. We were so happy when you did. But now. . .AJ, it’s not the end of the world. You have to keep living. If for nothing else, do it for Mya. Would she like seeing you like this?"
"Mya can’t see me. She’s gone. What’s the point of anything anymore?" AJ said flatly.
"What about all your friends? Your fans? You mom, for godssakes?" Brian said in frustration. "Can’t you see how this is tearing all of us apart, most of all her?"
AJ knew this, he just didn’t want to face it. He didn’t want to face anything. So he just turned his head away from Brian and said nothing more.
"I don’t know if this will help you or make things worse, but when the paramedics found you, she was in your arms," Brian said, getting up to leave.
AJ whipped his head around. "She was?"
Brian stopped and turned back around. "Yeah. When you think of the last words she said to you, it kinda fits, doesn’t it?" With that, he walked out the door, leaving AJ to think about what he’d just heard.
"Yeah, Spice," he said tearfully, looking up at the ceiling. "Holding you forever."
************************
Present Day. . . .
The screeching of a seagull snapped AJ out of his reverie. He flicked away his cigarette and looked out to sea once again. It was a grey overcast day that matched his mood.
< I haven’t exactly come a long way since that day > he thought bitterly. < Nothing’s the same. >
Indeed, that was the truth. In the past five months, everything had changed. AJ no longer sang with the Backstreet Boys. Actually, he never sang at all. His voice had changed. Instead of having the deep, beautiful voice that he used to have, it now came out sounding very rusty. AJ had also pushed everybody away, not wanting to see anyone who reminded of him of the time he had been with Mya. He really didn’t know why he was still alive.
< And the worst part about this is that it’s all my fault that she’s dead. If I hadn’t convinced her to go in the limo with me, she’d still be alive! > he thought in anguish.
"It’s my goddamn fault!" he screamed into the wind. He felt like he was falling into darkness, never reaching the bottom, slowly going crazy from grief and guilt.
"I can’t go on like this. This isn’t a life, it’s a living death. Mya, I want to see you and talk to you and hold you again. I can’t get over you. Who am I even talking to?" AJ put his head in his hands. Then he looked down at the razor blade he had in his lap. He picked it up and studied it thoughtfully, watching the way it caught the light.
< This can release me. I won’t have to deal with it all anymore. What am I living for anyway? I’ll never be up on stage performing again. My gift is gone. I’m not even half of what I used to be. I’m broken. My angel went back up to heaven and left me. So why not? >
AJ couldn’t find a reason why he should keep living. In his mind, staying alive was just delaying what should have happened awhile ago. < But can I do this? >
He thought about it for awhile more, and the conclusion he came to was a definite yes.
< I’ve been through so much pain already, what’s a little more? > he thought as he shakily brought the blade up to his left wrist.
In a matter of seconds it was done. AJ braced himself against the pain, but when it came it felt far away, like it was all just a bad dream. But in this case he wouldn’t be waking up.
AJ felt a kind of peace as he watched the blood from his wrists trickle onto the ground, as if it were taking his emotional pain away as it went.
After awhile, AJ’s vision blurred and he felt himself fading. Everything gradually grew dark as he closed his eyes and drifted into a sleep from which there was no waking, leaving all of the physical and mental pain behind.
***********************
The next time AJ opened his eyes, all he could see was a blinding white light that surrounded him. There appeared to be nothing else around but light. He tried taking a few steps forward and found that he was almost weightless. And he wasn’t paralyzed anymore.
< But where am I? > he wondered, having no memory of what he’d done.
"Hello?" he called into the swirling whiteness.
In the blink of an eye, she was there, dressed in a long white gown and glowing from a light never before witnessed on Earth. She walked toward AJ with a smile that was even more beautiful than when she had been alive.
"Magic," she said simply, holding her arms open.
AJ couldn’t believe his eyes. "Mya!" he yelled, running to her.
To his dismay, he couldn’t reach her. It was like there was an invisible wall separating them.
"Baby, why can’t I reach you?" he asked as tears threatened to fall.
"There are a few things I need to explain," Mya said as she sat down on the ground.
AJ sat also. "I’d say so. How did I get here?"
"You killed yourself," Mya said bluntly.
"I what?? Oh, now I remember," said AJ as it all came rushing back. "So, is this heaven?"
"No, this is just a rest stop, you might say. This is nothing compared to heaven. But you can’t go into heaven now. You weren’t supposed to die yet. And that is why you can’t reach me. You shouldn’t be here."
"You don’t understand. I couldn’t bear to live with myself anymore. There was no point in living," AJ said frantically, trying to make her understand.
"AJ, all lives have a point. It’s not up to you to decide that," Mya replied gently. "But you are being given a chance to go back and finish what you were born to do: Make music that touches thousands of lives."
"But I’ve already done that. I can’t go back there without you."
Mya smiled at him. She still loved him with all her heart, and she wouldn’t have minded him staying, but he couldn’t. "You can, and you will. Like I said, you’re not done yet. When you get back, you will write a song that will inspire people more than you can imagine."
A tear rolled down AJ’s face. "I’ll miss you too much."
"I swear I will always be with you. And you can go on living with the knowledge that I am in a much better place. You can’t tell me you don’t feel better already," she said teasingly.
"Well, yeah, I do," he admitted.
"Then hold on to this memory. It’ll be enough."
"Will I get my healthy body back?" AJ dared to ask.
"Sorry. You have to return just as you left."
"But how am I supposed to get laid?" he jokingly whined.
Mya gasped. "I can’t believe you just said that to me! But at least you’re sounding like your old self. You can live without it, trust me. And who knows, maybe you’ll get a miracle cure someday. But if you do, just remember that I’ll always be watching you."
"Always?"
"Well, maybe there are some things I don’t want to see. But anyway, you need to be getting back now."
"Wait. There’s one more thing I have to say."
"What’s that?"
"Well . . . that night, I was going to propose to you. That was the surprise. All I want to know is, would you have said yes?"
"AJ, of course I would’ve," Mya whispered. "I wanted that more than you ever knew."
He smiled. "That’s good enough for me. But. . . can’t I just touch you once before I leave?" he said, finally accepting the situation.
"I think it would be healthy for you if you did," said Mya, stepping over to him and taking him into her arms. AJ held her just as tightly, memorizing the feeling. He had never felt so loved, and he knew that no matter how far they were apart, their love would always connect them.
Mya kissed AJ’s forehead and stepped back. "Bye Magic."
"Bye Spice. Have fun up here," said AJ, a little sadly. "Is there gonna be a snack served on this trip back?" he joked.
Mya laughed. "I think you can wait till you get back. Now, close your eyes. . ."
"Love you, baby," he whispered. Then he was gone.
*************************
One Year Later. . . .
Thousands of girls stood anxiously inside the Orlando Arena, impatient for the moment they all knew was coming: The official return of AJ McLean to the Backstreet Boys. It had been a year since he had "tried" to commit suicide, and now he was coming back onto the entertainment scene.
The Arena erupted in screams as the spotlight illuminated a figure in a wheelchair coming onto the stage. He motioned for everyone to quiet down.
"Thank you, everyone, for coming to see the show tonight," AJ started. "As you all know, this will be my first show in almost two years, so you’ll have to bear with me." He paused, taking a deep breath. "This first song is very special to me. It’s one that I wrote with a very special person in mind, one who will remain in my heart as long as I live. Which I hope will be for a very long time," he added, smiling. "And I cannot thank everyone enough for all their love and support this past year. Without you all, I wouldn’t even be here."
Everyone there started clapping and cheering. The other Boys came out and said a few things, then they started singing Holding You Forever, which had a hypnotizingly beautiful melody. AJ had the first verse, and his voice came out sounding better and stronger than ever.
You were my everything
The one who made me whole
Then in a single instant you vanished
Taking a piece of my heart and soul
I wish that I could touch you one more time
But there’s no way to reach you
And when I feel like there’s nothing left
This is one truth I hold onto
Even though I can’t see you
I hear a voice softly whisper
And a moment in time keeps us together
In my mind and in my heart
I will be holding you forever
The depth of my sadness
Still remains unknown
If I could just take fate’s anger away
Then I wouldn’t have to walk alone
I would give my life to hold you again
You’re my unfading memory
But there is one thing I know for sure
You’re somewhere watching over me
(chorus)
Holding you forever
That’s what I promised
That’s where I’ll be
All the time in the world can’t make me forget
Those sweet last words that you said to me
(chorus)
Holding you forever and ever, baby
AJ’s voice held that last note, then slowly faded out. The entire arena was silent for a moment, then all at once it exploded into thunderous applause as everyone voiced their admiration for the song. AJ, though still in a wheelchair, felt like he was standing taller than he ever had in his life. Looking around at the huge audience with tears in his eyes, he knew that this truly was where he belonged. Then he was surrounded by the other Boys, all taking their turns in giving him hugs.
Right then, AJ could’ve sworn he saw Mya standing in the front row, smiling up at him. Of course, that wasn’t possible, but at that moment he felt closer to her than he had in over a year. He knew that wherever Mya was, she was proud of him. Then AJ blew a kiss up toward the ceiling, thankful that he had been given one more chance.
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