Does reality trump delusion?
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Go Ask Alice
There was this girl I knew in high school who thought she was all that and a bag of chips, and instead of my usual reaction to "those people," I envied her a little. You see, she was a big girl. By big, I mean enormous. I'm guessing somewhere around 325. I'm ashamed to admit I joined the crowd and laughed behind her back from time to time, even though I was hardly svelte myself. In high school, anything over 175 is considered gigantic, and I imagine that I was somewhere around 225. Still, I knew my place. I was a fat girl with a great personality. I was friends with almost all the boys in my class, but I would never, ever think to make a move on one of them. The horror! SHE was different. She flirted with nearly every guy she met, and she never let their rejection get to her. I wanted to be like her. I wanted her self-confidence and her fearlessness.

Then reality struck. Hard. There was a band trip to Florida. On a day of leisure, most of the girls hit the beach, modestly clothed in one-piece bathing suits. Not HER. She arrived at the beach in a string bikini. Now, I'm all for having good self-esteem, but this struck me as completely unacceptable.

I believe one of my greatest strengths is knowing my weaknesses. I'm impatient and intolerant of too many things to list. I'm kinda chubby. Lighter than I was in school, but still chubby. And even if I were a size 4, I would still only be about an 8 on a scale of 10. I know these things. When I meet someone online who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, I thank him for the compliment and wonder what he wants from me. Is that just a lack of self-esteem? Or am I being real?