I'm starting to feel like myself again, & I think I like me.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Bring Me To Life -- Evanescence
I did something totally out of the character of the person I've become in the past couple of years. I drove 165 miles to meet someone I'd met online years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I'd been planning to make the most of a night in, by lighting candles, adorning myself in some sexy lingerie, and wooing myself. (Yes, I like the way that sounds. "Wooing myself.") Before my roommate went out, I was avoiding my calculus homework by chatting on Yahoo, and my chat friend suggested we meet halfway. I said I was totally up for it, thinking he was kidding. An hour later, I was out the door, oddly looking forward to a long drive through the desert. Driving hundreds of miles to meet anyone is something my friend had never done before, but I'll admit it's familiar territory to me. I believe I've met at least two dozen people from the 'net. The thing is, I quit doing that long ago, and while I didn't miss the surprise of facing people who looked nothing like their pictures, or the horror of that initial realization that someone who acts like a nice guy online is, in fact, a complete asshole who never intended for the meeting to be a friendly hangout but rather an opportunity to score, I did miss my spontaneity. What a rush to discover a part of myself I hadn't seen in ages. To the person who inspired me to be myself, thank you.

Am I intimidating?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Walking Wounded -- The Tea Party
I was recently informed that my intellect can be somewhat intimidating. That's quite a compliment yet somewhat frightening. I've always considered myself to be of above average intelligence, but I've never been snobbish about that. In fact, I act dumb a lot. It's fun to escape from myself in that manner. What if it's true that I intimidate men? Will I die alone? Will I even care?

Getting my groove back
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: I Want To Go Home -- Michael Buble
A few weeks, I made the mistake of going out with a 19-year-old. It was never intended to be a date, just hanging out, but I spent the majority of the evening explaining to him why it wouldn't work out. One of his many comebacks was that he'd help me get my groove back, like in that movie. Flattering...but who's to say I ever lost my groove? I'm not even 30, and I feel like I just started a new and exciting chapter in my life. Is this the feeling of someone who's desperately seeking her groove? I think not. In fact, more likely, I'm desperately attempting to hide it.

Does reality trump delusion?
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Go Ask Alice
There was this girl I knew in high school who thought she was all that and a bag of chips, and instead of my usual reaction to "those people," I envied her a little. You see, she was a big girl. By big, I mean enormous. I'm guessing somewhere around 325. I'm ashamed to admit I joined the crowd and laughed behind her back from time to time, even though I was hardly svelte myself. In high school, anything over 175 is considered gigantic, and I imagine that I was somewhere around 225. Still, I knew my place. I was a fat girl with a great personality. I was friends with almost all the boys in my class, but I would never, ever think to make a move on one of them. The horror! SHE was different. She flirted with nearly every guy she met, and she never let their rejection get to her. I wanted to be like her. I wanted her self-confidence and her fearlessness.

Then reality struck. Hard. There was a band trip to Florida. On a day of leisure, most of the girls hit the beach, modestly clothed in one-piece bathing suits. Not HER. She arrived at the beach in a string bikini. Now, I'm all for having good self-esteem, but this struck me as completely unacceptable.

I believe one of my greatest strengths is knowing my weaknesses. I'm impatient and intolerant of too many things to list. I'm kinda chubby. Lighter than I was in school, but still chubby. And even if I were a size 4, I would still only be about an 8 on a scale of 10. I know these things. When I meet someone online who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, I thank him for the compliment and wonder what he wants from me. Is that just a lack of self-esteem? Or am I being real?

Broken
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Broken -- Seether featuring Amy Lee
It's been 79 days since Greg walked out of my life. Out of HIS life. He escaped reality. It's going to crush him when it finds him. I'm torn. On the one hand, I love him to pieces and want him to have a fabulous life, preferably with me. On the other hand, I realize I can't hold my breath for this guy, so I'm moving on. I have fun most of the time, but it hurts me when I least expect it. I went to Balboa Park last week, with a guy I met online. It was never intended to be a date. I'm not ready for dating, really. Anywho...on the way there, I passed my old neighborhood and remembered Greg dropping me off after one of our first dates, and I got a little sad. And then I got to the park itself, and I nearly fell apart. Greg and I used to hang out there a couple of times a month, and we had a few special occasions there too. I miss him all the time, in everything I see.

Together Forever?
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: (Just Like) Starting Over
What the hell do I do now? Over a month ago, my boyfriend decided to not come home. Aside from two alleged sightings, he hasn't been heard from since. Not by his boss, his parents...nobody. I'm mad, sad, and scared to death. I want so much for him to come home again, but the fact is, because of his absence, I don't have much of a home anymore. I'm moving. I had to place the kitties. I've barely slept. And when he DOES come back, he's probably going to jail. What kind of future do we have? I'm so confused.

Lost.

Twitterpated
Mood:  amorous
We're still together. It's been over nine months, nearly ten. We share a studio, a cat, and a lot of common goals. We're both in school...and it seems at times that we're growing apart, but then I realize we're just growing up. Funny how it's still possible to do that, when 30's peeking around the corner.

It's spring. My man and I are both full-time students, my brother and his wife just welcomed a little girl they named Olivia (What a beauty!), and I've still got two pregnant sisters. There must be something in the water back east.

I feel like I'm sharing too much...yet nothing at all.

How a year can change everything...
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
Remember that guy I had the crush on way back when? Of course you do. It was just a couple of entries back. I meant to write, really, I did. Shit happens. Anywho...we're together now. That happened in June. LOTS has happened this year, but I won't go into all of it, just that I started school again, changed my major, had several personal breakthroughs and a near breakdown, and learned that next spring, I'm gaining three nieces and/or nephews. Two of my sisters and a sister-in-law are expecting within three months of each other. Times like these, I get a little bummed about being so far from my family. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, but I'll spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family, and I'm not planning to go home again until next July, a full month after the last of the babies is born. What a crazy week that'll be.

I could be good at this...but what about my dream?
I sold one and a half cars today. That brings me to a grand total of two and a half. If I can sell another two and a half by Wednesday, I'm on track for selling 15 this month, which is an automatic $5000. I'd LOVE to do that. It's unlikely, of course, but the fact I've got the potential to hit 10 is really exciting. I'm getting more confident, and I think I'll be able to handle the next few sales on my own.

As much as I love the almighty dollar, my heart's not in it. I'm still thinking about going back to school and earning my degree in criminal justice, which, if I'm lucky, will earn me a whopping $30k a year. I can make double or even triple that in sales. I'm torn. Do I go after the money or something that could make a difference to people other than just myself?

I'm an auto sales whore.
I recently started a new career in auto sales. By "recently," I mean five days ago. I've sold half a car. That's the wording in the biz. It means I assisted another salesperson in a deal that became a sale, or he assisted me, which is, of course, the actual case.

In sales, in order to make a living, a person needs to sell something. I sold myself the other day. And I'm so proud.

I was in the customer lounge, right outside the office where a customer of mine was working out the numbers with my assistant manager, and this guy came up to me and commented on the wait. He and I talked at length about just how long buying a car can take.

After chatting for fifteen minutes, I notice my customer leaving the office, so I excuse myself and ask him what's going on. The numbers can't be worked out, so he's leaving. I do my "sorry it didn't work out, here's my business card" shpeel (which is, in fact, quite lovely and sincere), he leaves, and to my surprise, the man I've been talking to asks for my business card and informs me that he's a business owner and will do his business with me in the future. He just bought a truck and is buying another next week, and he's going to send all his employees and business contacts to me as well. He knows I'm still horribly green, but I'll do everything in my power to make the buying experience painless and perhaps even pleasant.

The moral of the story is, be yourself, and you'll go far. Yay, me! I can't sell anything but myself, but in this case, it's perfectly acceptable.