The quote above is attributed to Dr. Seuss, of all people. Who knew a children's author would say the words that would one day become a better voice than my own? I've been trying so hard to explain my feelings about my shattered romance. More than a few tears have been shed, I'll admit, but overall, my most recent relationship was something that makes me smile. I was happy, truly content with who I was, more in love than I'd known was possible.
Lyrics to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks further support this emotion: "I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance." I'm glad I didn't miss the dance. The pain bends me on a nearly daily basis, but it has yet to break me, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the time I had with Greg. With him, anything seemed within reach.
Someone at my support group said something a couple of weeks ago that bugs me even today. She, like so many others, thought she was saying something helpful. She insisted I was better off without him, that he obviously never loved me at all. His actions were allegedly proving it. Of all people, I thought someone with an addiction problem herself would be more understanding of drug addiction. He loved me. For over a year, he loved me. If his losing the battle with addiction means that he never loved me, does my battle mean that I never loved him either? I think not. We loved one another, and we were each other's life jacket on more than one occasion. I'm sorry that he lost his battle. I'm sorry for him and for myself. But I don't believe for one minute that he never loved me. And how the hell would thinking it make me feel better? Knowing I'd spent over a year of my life with someone who never cared for me could only hurt more.
Nearly five months after his disappearance. Is he even alive? Will I ever know? Would learning that he's alive and not contacting me be better or worse than learning that he's gone forever? I can't say that word. You know. THAT word. It can't be true.