Magnetism
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: "Beautiful" -- James Blunt
There's this guy I've known online for years, maybe four years, to be more precise, and we've only met in person once...but it was incredible. It was like I'd known him forever. I was so comfortable with him, so confident, so certain that he was feeling just as many sparks as I was...and then it ended. Just like that.

And last week, I spoke with him again, after having been very distant both physically and emotionally for six months, and it was like no time had passed at all. How does that happen? How does this man who, on so many levels, I don't know at all, completely captivate me? And why can't I get that from someone local?

Never say never...or so they tell me.
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: "Because of You" -- Kelly Clarkson
After a three month hiatus, I resumed running. The first week was excruciating. I was out of breath after only a few blocks, but I pushed myself a few blocks further. At the end of week two, I made it a mile without stopping, and I somehow made it three miles total. And now, on week six, I'm running four and a half miles a day, and more than anything, it's sheer boredom that lures me into quitting. But I won't quit. I'm signed up for the Carlsbad 5000, which is just under three weeks away. Two weeks later is the La Jolla 5k. I'm undecided about the UT Race for Literacy two weeks after that, but I do believe I'll do the Bay Bridge 4-mile run on May 21st.

A few people now have told me that I should aim for a marathon next year, but honestly, I don't think I can do that for many, many years, and running bores me to tears. I just want to prove to myself that I can do a few of these races, just finishing, not caring about winning (which would never, ever happen!). But who knows? If I keep this up, maybe I could do a couple of longer races. Then again, maybe I could spend my time doing something more interesting and less painful.

It's a small world after all...
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Jesse's Girl -- Rick Springfield
I was just thinking that it's true what they say about it really being a small world. Not long ago, I met someone online who literally lived down the street from me. And two years ago, I met someone else online while I was in Nebraska, and he lived in San Diego...but he'd lived in Nebraska while growing up. Twenty miles away from where I grew up. He used to party with my sister. Just yesterday, he messaged me on Yahoo to ask if I'd heard about a housefire that took the lives of my brother's friend and his two sons. It's weird to chat with a relative stranger about people we both know.

When I was in college (the first time, right after high school), I had a couple of classes with this girl named Jackie, and a year after I'd dropped out of school and moved to Omaha (100 miles away from college), I went to work for Omaha Steaks, where I ran into Jackie. 100 miles away from where I'd met her! Crazy.

The weirdest incident involves a guy I met online a couple of years ago. We met in person for a date before it came to my attention that he'd grown up in Minnesota, the state I called home until I was 12. When I asked him where in MN he'd lived, he said it was near St. Cloud. I said I'd also lived near St. Cloud. He said he'd lived near Brainerd, which was even closer to my hometown, so I asked if he'd ever heard of Staples. He was shocked and said he'd grown up in Verndale, which is maybe 15 miles from Staples...and is the town my mail was delivered to. He knew all my old neighbors, and he remembered a large family living in my old house. Yeah...that was my family.

It's a small world after all...

The end of an era...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: I'm Still Here -- Johnny Rzeznik
So, here we are, three days from 2006, and I've decided to take a moment to reflect on my recent past.

Three semesters of school in a row, for starters. That's a first. I've earned my associate's degree and am entering my junior year at SDSU. I finally settled on a major: finance.

I've been single for over six months, and normally, this would the time when I'd be looking in earnest, but I really don't feel like dating. I want to focus on myself for a while.

And on that subject, I'm preparing for an honest effort to lose some weight. I don't have any health problems (yet), but my self-esteem is plunging, and I really do intend to conquer the Mud Run. Besides, I'm curious to see what I'll look like thin. And act like. I remember when I went from 296 to 220, my personality changed just as much as my body did.

Greg's gone. I don't know if he's alive or dead, and I wonder that nearly everyday, even after all this time, but I'm accepting that maybe I'll never know. And I'm trying to forgive him for that. Holding any resentment or anger toward him hurts no one but myself.

2005 marked the first year I've spent every major holiday without family. That was harder than I thought it would be, despite being surrounded by friends.

Friends. What makes a friend? This year I loosely defined the word, and my definition eliminated half of my acquintances from my friends list. It's about the emotional connection more than anything else. Time spent together doesn't define friendship. Brian, we've only spent a couple of hours together this past year, but you're still a friend. Duane, we've spent way too much time together, and well...it's too much. We're not really friends. Whether we've met in class on a Wednesday night or at the beach on a Saturday morning, I'm so happy to have such wonderful friends, even if I don't have as many as I thought. In friendship, quality matters ever so much more than quantity.

To everyone who loves me, thank you. Thank you just for spending time with me this past year, and watch for the changes in the coming year. They will astound you.

Working out's gonna be the death of me!
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy -- Big and Rich
I've gone running all but one day for the past eight days. That's not long, but I'm already seeing a difference. I'm losing weight. YAY! And I'm gaining fitness. I can now run six blocks without stopping. This isn't impressive at all for a marathoner, or probably even the average person, but this is amazing to me. I'm incredibly proud of myself when I finish my run. And binging and purging aren't even an issue. I'm eating right, more conscious than ever about what goes into my mouth. Running's good for me in so many ways.

But it's making me horny. I desperately need a man. Or maybe just a penis. The rest of a guy seems like an awful lot of trouble. It's been months. The thing is, I've actually promised myself not to have sex until I attain a goal I set for myself last week. It's within reason. I should be there early next year. Until then, I'm going to be fantasizing about kissing someone I met at the beach a couple of weeks ago...and a girl I met the same day. I'm turning bi over this!

Maybe I should put more stock in astrology after all...
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: I Walk the Line -- Johnny Cash
Just messing around online tonight, and I came across a site that explains how well someone of a certain sign connects romantically with someone of another sign, and this seemed to hit the figurative nail on the head when it came to my last relationship. "A match made in heaven or one which at times can descend into the depths of hell..." sounds familiar.

I'm attaining a small degree of closure.
It feels incredible.


Scorpio + Pisces

Water + Water = Deluge

The matching of Scorpio with Pisces can either be a match made in heaven or one which at times can descend into the depths of hell because the strong union of powerful, emotional energies of both these water signs produces an overwhelming amount of unbridled passion and sensitivity. Pisces is probably one of the most perfectly suited signs to your complexity and knows just how to touch you in body, mind and spirit. When Pisces somehow infiltrates your Scorpio psyche, there is very little you can do except fall head over heels in love. If, as a Scorpio, you are a tormented soul and seek loving understanding in your life, have no doubt about it, Pisces is just what you’ve been looking for.

For Pisces, Scorpio has the wizard’s touch in being most capable of drawing them back from that spiritual realm in which they are sometimes so self-absorbed that they forget the practical reason for being. Scorpio can ground them and tune their intuitive beings to a special emotional attachment with them. The classic Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor love saga is one that epitomises the archetypal expression of Scorpio (Richard Burton) with Pisces (Elizabeth Taylor). The Pisces-Scorpio connection is one that extends beyond any level of mundane or astrological expression.

This love and attachment will be manifested beautifully between these two star signs. The most karmic connection is with those Pisces born between 1 and 10 March, as Cancer and the Moon have much influence on them. Many lessons, particularly with respect to the opening up of your emotional self, will be experienced with those Pisces born within these dates. Strong links and sensual gratification will be gained with those born between 20 and 28 February. Extreme passion results when Scorpio connects with Pisces born between 11 and 20 March, since these individuals have strong Scorpio tendencies.

So This is What It Feels Likes to be Thirty...
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Summer of '69 -- Bryan Adams
I had a birthday yesterday. Not just any birthday. THE birthday of all birthdays. And I celebrated quietly. I am now officially 30, the age I've been claiming to be for months now. And I'm way out of shape. This last bit of information is by no means breaking news. My birthday motivated me to do something about it. I went jogging. A block into it, I was rather winded. Another block, and I slowed to a brisk walk. I went a mile like that, two blocks of puffing along to every block of walking. It was eye-opening, and when I was done, I felt exhausted but fabulous and oh-so-proud.

I've set myself a few goals. I'm hoping to lose twenty pounds before Christmas. I'll settle for less, but I can't think like that. You see, anyone who really knows me knows that I am extremely hard on myself. I'm my own toughest critic. I see myself as much fatter than I am. This was proven to me two days ago when I saw a television show on the hardhips of being fat, and one of the girls got down to her bra and panties, and I thought, "She's not even that fat." And then I learned she's shorter and heavier than I am. What a shock! So I stripped and looked at myself for a while...and I thought about my weight/appearance goal in respect to where I am now and where I once was...and I realized maybe I'm not doing so bad.

But I still want to change. It's become a complex process now. It's about weight and appearance and overall health and emotional well-being. Without each component, I'll lose the battle. And that's just not going to happen.

He's Just Not That Into You
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Extraordinary -- Liz Phair
I started reading this book, and it's already making me feel so much better about dating. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's not even him. Maybe he's just not that into me. That would be okay. Not everyone can be into me. I'm certainly not into everyone I meet.

This common sense mantra passes as wisdom, somehow. When he doesn't call, it seems pretty obvious he's not that into me, but I make excuses and wonder if it's something I've done to make him change his mind. Silliness. He's just not that into me. If he was, he'd make the effort. No one's that busy.

I saw the sailor again tonight. And no, it wasn't a glorious ocassion. It was a bonfire. And he came with another girl he'd met at last week's party, a girl who doesn't even like him as anything but a friend. I know this because she mentioned him at volleyball this morning, and then, while she was sitting beside me, she called to invite him to the bonfire later. I kept quiet to her about knowing him, but when I saw him, I walked right up to him, and I was actually a little thrown off when he remembered my name and immediately said he'd meant to call. He said my phone number was still in his friend's phone. I didn't fall for it, and I wasn't at all upset. He's just not that into me. No offense to her, but anyone who finds her personality fabulous just isn't going to love me, and quite honestly, seeing that he's into someone who is so completely unlike me makes me "just not that into" him.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
The quote above is attributed to Dr. Seuss, of all people. Who knew a children's author would say the words that would one day become a better voice than my own? I've been trying so hard to explain my feelings about my shattered romance. More than a few tears have been shed, I'll admit, but overall, my most recent relationship was something that makes me smile. I was happy, truly content with who I was, more in love than I'd known was possible.

Lyrics to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks further support this emotion: "I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance." I'm glad I didn't miss the dance. The pain bends me on a nearly daily basis, but it has yet to break me, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the time I had with Greg. With him, anything seemed within reach.

Someone at my support group said something a couple of weeks ago that bugs me even today. She, like so many others, thought she was saying something helpful. She insisted I was better off without him, that he obviously never loved me at all. His actions were allegedly proving it. Of all people, I thought someone with an addiction problem herself would be more understanding of drug addiction. He loved me. For over a year, he loved me. If his losing the battle with addiction means that he never loved me, does my battle mean that I never loved him either? I think not. We loved one another, and we were each other's life jacket on more than one occasion. I'm sorry that he lost his battle. I'm sorry for him and for myself. But I don't believe for one minute that he never loved me. And how the hell would thinking it make me feel better? Knowing I'd spent over a year of my life with someone who never cared for me could only hurt more.

Nearly five months after his disappearance. Is he even alive? Will I ever know? Would learning that he's alive and not contacting me be better or worse than learning that he's gone forever? I can't say that word. You know. THAT word. It can't be true.

The dangers of looking fabulous...
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Popular -- from the musical
Gina made me her pet project. The annual Mixer Halloween party was last night, and she begged for the opportunity to do my hair and makeup. I don't know why I'd been fighting it for so long. I looked hot! My hair looked the best I'd seen it in over a year, and my makeup had never looked so good in all my life.

I dropped four friends off at the Mixer party, then drove up to another party in Del Mar. I would have skipped it, but this guy, Jon, had told me that he'd be there, and he's kind of hot, and we'd talked for hours last time I saw him, so I felt I had to test the temporarily gorgeous me on him. When I showed up, I didn't see him, but another guy I'd met before came right over and said hello, and he commented on my fabulous appearance. My feet were whimpering for a break from standing in three-inch stilettos, so I sat down for a minute, and in came Jon. He chose the chair next to me, but I convinced him to come sit on the bench beside me, and we talked. And talked. And talked. Still no exchange of digits, but we can certainly converse.

I left an hour later than I'd intended, arriving at the Mixer party just after midnight. Nearly everyone I knew complimented me! Maybe I should focus on my appearance more after all...but it took Gina, an expert on her own makeup, an entire hour!

Someone at that party asked for my number. He's someone I'd never met before. He may never call. If he does, should I get glammed up? Will he recognize my usual self?