Does reality trump delusion?
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Go Ask Alice
There was this girl I knew in high school who thought she was all that and a bag of chips, and instead of my usual reaction to "those people," I envied her a little. You see, she was a big girl. By big, I mean enormous. I'm guessing somewhere around 325. I'm ashamed to admit I joined the crowd and laughed behind her back from time to time, even though I was hardly svelte myself. In high school, anything over 175 is considered gigantic, and I imagine that I was somewhere around 225. Still, I knew my place. I was a fat girl with a great personality. I was friends with almost all the boys in my class, but I would never, ever think to make a move on one of them. The horror! SHE was different. She flirted with nearly every guy she met, and she never let their rejection get to her. I wanted to be like her. I wanted her self-confidence and her fearlessness.

Then reality struck. Hard. There was a band trip to Florida. On a day of leisure, most of the girls hit the beach, modestly clothed in one-piece bathing suits. Not HER. She arrived at the beach in a string bikini. Now, I'm all for having good self-esteem, but this struck me as completely unacceptable.

I believe one of my greatest strengths is knowing my weaknesses. I'm impatient and intolerant of too many things to list. I'm kinda chubby. Lighter than I was in school, but still chubby. And even if I were a size 4, I would still only be about an 8 on a scale of 10. I know these things. When I meet someone online who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, I thank him for the compliment and wonder what he wants from me. Is that just a lack of self-esteem? Or am I being real?

Broken
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Broken -- Seether featuring Amy Lee
It's been 79 days since Greg walked out of my life. Out of HIS life. He escaped reality. It's going to crush him when it finds him. I'm torn. On the one hand, I love him to pieces and want him to have a fabulous life, preferably with me. On the other hand, I realize I can't hold my breath for this guy, so I'm moving on. I have fun most of the time, but it hurts me when I least expect it. I went to Balboa Park last week, with a guy I met online. It was never intended to be a date. I'm not ready for dating, really. Anywho...on the way there, I passed my old neighborhood and remembered Greg dropping me off after one of our first dates, and I got a little sad. And then I got to the park itself, and I nearly fell apart. Greg and I used to hang out there a couple of times a month, and we had a few special occasions there too. I miss him all the time, in everything I see.

Together Forever?
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: (Just Like) Starting Over
What the hell do I do now? Over a month ago, my boyfriend decided to not come home. Aside from two alleged sightings, he hasn't been heard from since. Not by his boss, his parents...nobody. I'm mad, sad, and scared to death. I want so much for him to come home again, but the fact is, because of his absence, I don't have much of a home anymore. I'm moving. I had to place the kitties. I've barely slept. And when he DOES come back, he's probably going to jail. What kind of future do we have? I'm so confused.

Lost.

Twitterpated
Mood:  amorous
We're still together. It's been over nine months, nearly ten. We share a studio, a cat, and a lot of common goals. We're both in school...and it seems at times that we're growing apart, but then I realize we're just growing up. Funny how it's still possible to do that, when 30's peeking around the corner.

It's spring. My man and I are both full-time students, my brother and his wife just welcomed a little girl they named Olivia (What a beauty!), and I've still got two pregnant sisters. There must be something in the water back east.

I feel like I'm sharing too much...yet nothing at all.

How a year can change everything...
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
Remember that guy I had the crush on way back when? Of course you do. It was just a couple of entries back. I meant to write, really, I did. Shit happens. Anywho...we're together now. That happened in June. LOTS has happened this year, but I won't go into all of it, just that I started school again, changed my major, had several personal breakthroughs and a near breakdown, and learned that next spring, I'm gaining three nieces and/or nephews. Two of my sisters and a sister-in-law are expecting within three months of each other. Times like these, I get a little bummed about being so far from my family. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, but I'll spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family, and I'm not planning to go home again until next July, a full month after the last of the babies is born. What a crazy week that'll be.

I could be good at this...but what about my dream?
I sold one and a half cars today. That brings me to a grand total of two and a half. If I can sell another two and a half by Wednesday, I'm on track for selling 15 this month, which is an automatic $5000. I'd LOVE to do that. It's unlikely, of course, but the fact I've got the potential to hit 10 is really exciting. I'm getting more confident, and I think I'll be able to handle the next few sales on my own.

As much as I love the almighty dollar, my heart's not in it. I'm still thinking about going back to school and earning my degree in criminal justice, which, if I'm lucky, will earn me a whopping $30k a year. I can make double or even triple that in sales. I'm torn. Do I go after the money or something that could make a difference to people other than just myself?

I'm an auto sales whore.
I recently started a new career in auto sales. By "recently," I mean five days ago. I've sold half a car. That's the wording in the biz. It means I assisted another salesperson in a deal that became a sale, or he assisted me, which is, of course, the actual case.

In sales, in order to make a living, a person needs to sell something. I sold myself the other day. And I'm so proud.

I was in the customer lounge, right outside the office where a customer of mine was working out the numbers with my assistant manager, and this guy came up to me and commented on the wait. He and I talked at length about just how long buying a car can take.

After chatting for fifteen minutes, I notice my customer leaving the office, so I excuse myself and ask him what's going on. The numbers can't be worked out, so he's leaving. I do my "sorry it didn't work out, here's my business card" shpeel (which is, in fact, quite lovely and sincere), he leaves, and to my surprise, the man I've been talking to asks for my business card and informs me that he's a business owner and will do his business with me in the future. He just bought a truck and is buying another next week, and he's going to send all his employees and business contacts to me as well. He knows I'm still horribly green, but I'll do everything in my power to make the buying experience painless and perhaps even pleasant.

The moral of the story is, be yourself, and you'll go far. Yay, me! I can't sell anything but myself, but in this case, it's perfectly acceptable.

Smooth criminal
I'm friends with convicts. Yes, I am. And you should be too. Some of the most interesting people I've ever met are felons. This is going to prove to the world what a spaz I am, but I'm saying it anyway: I sometimes make a list of questions to ask my con friends. I want to know what crimes they committed, why they committed them, what they learned in prison, what they want to do now that they're on the outside again, everything. It's like research for a paper I'll never write.

Besides that, I'm a better person for knowing these men. No, I didn't say that I feel like a better person when I'm around these guys, in the sense a girl might feel skinnier when she's around her chubby friends. Anyone who's spent time in prison has an appreciation for life that the average person can never attain. A sunset on the ocean's horizon is that much more beautiful. A day spent fishing is that much more thrilling. Not to endorse criminal behaviour or anything, but I must say that getting out of prison is kind of like being given a second childhood in a sense. When I'm around these guys, I'm overwhelmed by those things I once took for granted, and that's something I'd never give up.

Is this high school all over again? (Say it isn't so!)
I have a crush. I had a different one just a few weeks ago. What the hell is going on? I'm a 28-year-old woman with no problems finding dates.

I had a crush on a friend of mine for over a month. It was somewhat embarassing, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, so many of our mutual friends knew about it, and I found myself in the role of bumbling idiot all too often. This friend and I hang out rather frequently, sometimes with others, sometimes just the two of us, so having a crush on him was just plain silly, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I got over that a little before Christmas, and I was rejoicing.

And then life played another practical joke on me. I have a crush again! This time's both better and worse. He likes me, and very few of my family and friends would approve of him. I don't really care much about what people think of me, but when someone's talking smack about someone I adore, I stand up for the person. I'm willing to let the issue fade away, but it always comes up again. Besides that, he's a friend of a friend, and regardless of where this goes, my friend will be in an awkward position. If it goes well, the guy who's like a brother to me will probably end up hearing about me naked. If it goes poorly, he may become accustomed to hearing me referred to as simply "that bitch." I don't need this excitement in my life. The new job, new apartment and new roommate are enough for a while.

What I want to be when I grow up
I've come to a time in my life when I believe I've come to terms with who I am as a person. I like me. I don't think I'm going to change drastically in the future, like I did when I was younger. I went through a dark period when I cut myself, wore all black, and even planned my own funeral. I went through a domestic period when I was perfectly content to sit at home and play house. At 27, I finally settled into being comfortable with just being ME. I've made some mistakes, but I'm not a horrible person, and I'm kinda cool at times.

Anywho...so even though I know WHO I am, I haven't yet decided what I'm meant to do. I'm studying criminal justice, but the jobs that interest me in that field are actually somewhat dangerous and pay poorly. I'm considering several other careers, but so many appeal to me that I can't narrow in on just one.

A friend of mine laughed at me a few days ago when I excitedly told him about a new career opportunity. He implied that I change my mind too often to possibly be serious, but the truth is, everytime I find a career that interests me, I'm really eager to get into it. Childish, perhaps, but at least I'm not jaded, right?