Like static cling
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: still "Animal Cops"
I've been feeling kinda down the past few days. I don't understand WHY, exactly. School's going great. I feel awesome about myself. I've been researching for my trip to Scotland, and that usually excites me to no end. But lately, I'm just not feeling the love. I'm sure it's just one of those cyclical things, and I'll feel great soon. In the meantime, I've gotten clingy, and that can't possibly be helping me any. I need a hug. (Are you reading this Chris? I'm coming over for my hug! If you're not around, I'll hug your hubby! Or your dog!) It's a hug, or I call everyone I miss about seventeen times a day, until they start ignoring my calls. Please, someone, hug me already!

Overediting has become my new addiction
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: no music, just "Animal Cops" on TV
I keep wanting to edit that last post. I feel like I overexposed, but I can't find anything I'd really like to delete.

Nothing's perfect, right? And I don't intend to take away anything from our relationship. Greg changed my life in so many positive ways, and when the time comes to count up all the people I ever loved, I'm confident his name will be toward the top. So why do I feel so horrible about letting those words stay as they are?

Turning the page
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Sex and Candy -- Marcy Playground
It finally hit me, all in a rush. After 90 days of Greg's absence, all the emotions that I've been afraid to feel came at me like a tidal wave, and after a moment of anxiety, I accepted it all...and further moved onto a much happier self.

I got angry two nights ago. I decided that if he cared about me more than he cared about himself, he would have called by now. And I said aloud (to myself, but still aloud) that he made me lose a piece of who I used to be. His lack of responsibility made me more responsible, and while that could be construed as a good thing, I can't keep pretending it didn't bother me more than a little. I'd save every nickel I could for some distant vacation, only to learn he was still enjoying his daily Starbucks or weekly scratch games.

We argued. A lot. More than I've ever argued with anyone else.

I blamed myself for that, wondering if I could have asked him in a nicer way to try harder to save, to help around the house, whatever. He'd complain about never having any fun, and that hurt. I thought we had a lot of fun, and I knew he believed that too, but when he was mad, he'd say whatever he wanted and rarely apologize for it later. I learned to ignore those comments, instead of starting yet another argument.

I've spent so much time defending him these past three months that I didn't allow even myself to see the bad. I wanted to convince everyone else that our relationship was perfect, even though it wasn't, not by a long shot. I had doubts. Yeah...I had lots of them, and I'd talk to him about them, and he'd reassure me that we'd work through everything.

He's gone, and I miss him, especially when I'm out. I see a truck like his, or someone on the street, and I look closer. But I think of him less with each passing day. I feel a little bad about that, even as I acknowledge it's healthy.

And now I'm interested in someone else, and I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. I like this person for who he is and for the way he makes me feel about myself when I'm around him. He's not a replacement. He's just possibly the next chapter (or only a page?) in the book of my life. He's fabulous, and I hope he doesn't get scared off when he reads this...because I like him. A lot. And when I'm all alone, I picture his smiling face...and that's weird...because it doesn't feel weird at all.

I'm not an addict, just a junkie.
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Hanging By a Moment -- Lifehouse
What is wrong with me? I created this blog early last year, and I rarely remembered to use it. Now I find myself in the shower, in the car, at work, thinking of things to write. Do I really think I'm that clever or witty? No. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down somewhere while I'm experiencing this momentous change. My world is constantly in motion, and I need to organize my thoughts, even the silly ones that only make sense to me. And so I write. I open myself up to criticism and scorn, and even worse, PITY, and I just realized, this could affect any future relationships I might have. Think about it. When you meet someone new, you stay on your best behaviour for a while. You wear your best outfits, try to curse less, even spend more time in front of a mirror. Well, I don't do all that, but most people I know do. I rely on my personality, so I try to keep that sparkling for a few weeks after I've met someone new, but this diary is a reflection of both the good and the bad thoughts in my head. That could be a problem.

It really is all about me, isn't it?
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Laid -- Matt Nathanson
Am I obsessed with myself? This past summer, I decided to start treating myself well, in hopes I'd eventually train my brain to think I was really something special. It kinda worked. More often than not, I'm more than happy to be me. Everyday, I find something new about myself to love. Is this weird?

This whole blog, of course, is about me. It's a journal of my random thoughts and some of my not-so-random emotions, a tale of love and loss, triumph and tragedy.... Yeah, it's just a blog, not a movie. Don't get carried away there, Holly.

You see, there's this person I've known over three years, and it wasn't until maybe four days ago that I discovered I don't know him or her at all. Do I not ask questions? Am I not interested in hearing about the trivial details of anyone else's life? Just kidding on that one. My life's not any more interesting than yours. Well, it might be, but you could easily change that. Should I change mine, to stop being so self-absorbed, or is this self-adoration thing healthy for me?

My Life as a Nerd
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Untitled -- Simple Plan
I'm a nerd. I'm the first to admit it. I like cows and goats and rabbits. I make trips halfway across the country just to spend a few days on a farm each year, scrubbing and brushing the animals into very pretty pageant beauties, and I beem with pride when I overhear the judge tell my brother that his goat is exceptionally well-groomed.

And while the average college student shrugs at his grades, I really care. I don't study that much, and I start working on papers the night before they're due, but I almost always manage to wrangle an A, and anything less than that is a disappointment.

I could go on and on about all the things that make me a nerd, but I won't. The thing is, I love being me, goofy or not. I'm awesome.

If I could have dated the dog, I'd still be with him....
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Mr. Brightside -- The Killers
I went out with a friend of mine tonight. She's vivacious and adventurous and so sure of herself, a wonderful woman I cherish deeply.

There was a pianist playing old jazz standards, and we were having a great time catching up. When I mentioned I was back in the dating game, she encouraged me briefly, then asked for my recent dates' names. First and last. See, over a year ago, she and I were discussing dating disasters, and she named a guy whom I, too, had dated a couple of times. He was such a jerk, but he'd had this awesome dog. We compared notes, laughing at how small San Diego can be at times. I went home that night and related the story to my roommate, who had a date over. She didn't remember the guy's name, but she remembered his dog. Months later, another friend and I were having the same conversation, and it turns out that she'd actually DATED him. I'd been on a couple of dates with him, nothing more.

I wonder whatever happened to that dog? He was so cool.

Completely spastic
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: A Wink and a Smile -- Harry Connick, Jr.
My life mimics karaoke. Maybe that's why I love finding myself in those little clubs from time to time. In private, I can sing pretty well. In public, I'm a nervous wreck and sound like someone who's obviously never even heard the song...and might have a bad head cold. When I'm single but not trolling, I can flirt with the best of them. The minute I realize the guy might actually be interested, I'm socially retarded. I can't imagine why he's found me interesting, and I stutter and fumble on the easiest of words. And I talk fast. For a very long time. By the time I'm done talking, I'm sure he's sorry he ever spoke with me. Usually anyway. Every now and then (and by that, I mean once every couple of years), he'll kiss me, probably just to shut me up. It takes him months, even years sometimes, to realize his folly.

Is cheating subjective?
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tainted Love
Is it okay to step out on your committed relationship? I've always strived to be 100% faithful to my partner, but lately, I've been meeting people who believe in swinging, dating other people on the side, and sleeping with pretty much anyone but his/her spouse. Am I missing something? Is this completely normal, and I'm so happy in the world of Make Believe that I just can't see it? Who would have guessed that someone twice divorced at 29 could possibly still believe in the ability to find a single person to fulfill all her sexual desires?

I'm starting to feel like myself again, & I think I like me.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Bring Me To Life -- Evanescence
I did something totally out of the character of the person I've become in the past couple of years. I drove 165 miles to meet someone I'd met online years ago. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I'd been planning to make the most of a night in, by lighting candles, adorning myself in some sexy lingerie, and wooing myself. (Yes, I like the way that sounds. "Wooing myself.") Before my roommate went out, I was avoiding my calculus homework by chatting on Yahoo, and my chat friend suggested we meet halfway. I said I was totally up for it, thinking he was kidding. An hour later, I was out the door, oddly looking forward to a long drive through the desert. Driving hundreds of miles to meet anyone is something my friend had never done before, but I'll admit it's familiar territory to me. I believe I've met at least two dozen people from the 'net. The thing is, I quit doing that long ago, and while I didn't miss the surprise of facing people who looked nothing like their pictures, or the horror of that initial realization that someone who acts like a nice guy online is, in fact, a complete asshole who never intended for the meeting to be a friendly hangout but rather an opportunity to score, I did miss my spontaneity. What a rush to discover a part of myself I hadn't seen in ages. To the person who inspired me to be myself, thank you.