(The setting is a richly decorated throne room in a palace on planet Venus. A tall, thin, blonde woman [APHRODITE] is gazing into a dark crystal ball)
APHRODITE- Well, planet Earth. Look at you. So happy. So prosperous. So powerful. So why aren’t you mine? With a strong leader, you could utalize your power. You could begin a new, utopian era for the Galaxy! And I want to be your leader when that happens. Hmmm...Eros? Hathor?
(Two figures [EROS and HATHOR] step into the throne room through large marble double-doors)
HATHOR- Yes, my Queen? (dropping on one knee and bowing head)
EROS- Yes, Mommy?
APHRODITE- When was our last attempt to take over Earth, exactly?
EROS- As I recall, it was in the late seventeenth century.
HATHOR- Yes, About 1697, I believe.
APHRODITE- And why did we lose?
EROS- Apollo and Artemis threw Daddy into the Abyss, and threatened to throw you in, too.
HATHOR- Yes. They had you promise you would leave Earth alone for three hundred years. And with all-due respect, your Highness, back then you were nothing without Ares to guide you. By that time, they figured, you would have forgotten your desire for planet Earth and let your army crumble.
EROS- Athena warned the twins that it was unwise, but they refused to listen.
APHRODITE- They should have listened to their half-sister. It’s now 1997. They should have known better. Our time is up.
EROS- Do you have a plan, Mommy?
APHRODITE- I believe I do, Eros. But I need to develop it. Alone.
(HATHOR and EROS exit.)
APHRODITE- With Apollo and Artemis powerless to stop me, planet Earth will soon be mine! BWAHAHAHAHA!
(Meanwhile, in a tiny California town called Spirit Falls, High Street High School is just dismissing their students for the weekend) (In the crowd of students, we see an abnormally short girl with glasses [Tabby] pushing her way through the corridor)
GIRL- (pushing Tabby) Out of my way, Shorty!
(Tabby falls, and drops her armload of books) (Everyone is corridor laughs)
TABBY- My glasses! Where are my glasses?!
(A girl [Tabby’s friend MARY SCOT] walks up)
MARY- Tabby? (she frowns) it happened again, huh?
TABBY- Yeah. (she finds her glasses and puts them on. Mary helps Tabby with her books)
MARY- Here you go.
TABBY- Thanks. Come with me to my locker, will ya?
MARY- Sure.
(They walk to locker)
TABBY- I need to wait for Chad.
MARY- Tell me again: Why do we let that loser hang out with us?
TABBY- Because he’s not a loser. He’s our friend.
MARY- If you say so. So, why are you waiting for him?
TABBY- He has this month’s MONKEY GIRL DIGEST and I want it. (She looks around) Do you want to walk home with us?
MARY- No thanks. I want to go home and sleep ‘til Tuesday.
TABBY- Oh, that’s right. 3-day weekend this week. Can I do my little Happy Dance now? (Tabby does happy dance)
MARY- (laughs) See ya later, Tab.
TABBY- Bye, Mary.
TABBY- Now where is that loser?
CHAD- (runs up to Tabby) Sorry. I got held up.
TABBY- Doing what?
CHAD- Nothing. Let’s go.
TABBY- Yeah.
(They walk to comic book store)
TABBY- Have your new MONKEY GIRL’s come in yet?
CLARKE- Nope, Tabby. But it shouldn’t be more than a couple days.
CHAD- (to Tabby) You did bring a quarter for the candy machine, didn’t you?
TABBY- Yeah. (searches through pockets) It’s here somewhere.
CLARKE- I DO have some new holographic stickers showing MONKEY GIRL ATTACK.
CHAD- Oooh! Let me see! (he looks at stickers) Say, do you have any more Zippy posters?
TABBY- (holding handful of M&M’s) (to Chad) You already own every Zippy poster ever made.
CHAD- Well, I...hey! You got M&M’s! I wanted toffee peanuts!
(they fight about how Tabby hates toffee peanuts)
CLARKE- Kids? Kids! (Tabby and Chad stop) Are you going to Brentwood for the MONKEY GIRL Expo tomorrow?
TABBY- Yeah! My mom’s taking us!
CHAD- Tabby? Tabby! We have to go!
TABBY- Oh.
CLARKE- Will you guys come to my booth?
TABBY- Yeah! Of course!
CHAD- See you tomorrow!
CLARKE- Bye, kids!
(They have been walking 15 minutes)
TABBY- No way!
CHAD- Zippy could kick Chair any day!
TABBY- I don’t think so!
CHAD- I do! (he looks around) Well, we’re here. See you tomorrow.
TABBY- Yeah. Bye, Chad.
ALISON- You’re late.
TABBY- I stopped at the comic store. (She looks at clock) I’m only 5 minutes late. Mom and Dad aren’t even home yet. Did Marcus get home okay?
ALISON- Yeah. He’s in the basement doing some crazy experiment.
TABBY- That’s n___ oh, cripes! My hamsters!! (she runs to the basement door, flings it open, and runs down the stairs three at a time) Marcus! No! (she sees her brother about to pour a few drops of some green liquid on a hamster)
MARCUS- Oh, yes! Yes!
TABBY- Nooooooooooo!!! (she runs and hits his hand so that the beaker of green liquid falls to the floor and shatters. Instantly, the floor where the puddle is begins to melt away)
MARCUS- What’s your problem? (he is still holding hamster)
TABBY- MY problem?!? Let's talk about YOUR problem!! What in all hollies was in that beaker?!!?
MARCUS- Oh, just a bit of this and that.
(Tabby grabs hamsters)
TABBY- What!! A bit of this and that just burned a hole in the floor!!
MARCUS- It wasn’t supposed to-
TABBY- Then what the hell was it supposed to DO?!
MARCUS- Grow hair. (calmly)
TABBY- Grow- WHAT! Leave my hamsters ALONE you little freak!! (she takes hamster cage and goes upstairs into kitchen)
ALISON- Mom called. She and Dad are going to be a couple hours late.
TABBY- Did she say why?
ALISON- Nope. But she heard the screaming. What happened anyway?
TABBY- Well, the important thing is that we survived.
ALISON- Uh-oh. Do you think we can fix it before Mom and Dad get home?
TABBY- Not for all the chocolate in Switzerland.
ALISON- Yeesh.
(It’s around midnight. Tabby is lying on her bed reading a MONKEY GIRL comic)
TABBY- Wow. Cheryl Snrub is some kind of genius. (she sighs) I wish I had neat powers like Monkey Girl.
(Suddenly a bright light fills her room)
TABBY- What in all hollie...
(Tabby is in a cave. She looks out the opening and gasps)
TABBY- I’m in the middle on the desert. this MUST be a dream. (she hears a strange noise from outside) Cripes. If it is a dream, it’s way too real for me. I’m out of here!
(She walks to entrance of cave. She’s just about to leave when in flies a raven. The raven looks at her is such a way that no one would even dare to disturb it by moving or speaking. Tabby can do nothing but stand perfectly still)
(The raven lowers his head and scratches TABITHA in the sand at the bottom of the cave)
TABBY- Huh? How do you know my name? Who are you? What do you want?
(raven scratches more words into sandy floor)
TABBY- (reading) “FOLLOW THE”...Follow the what? Follow the what??
(raven finishes and steps away)
TABBY- (reading) “...TURTLE.” Turtle? What turtle? (she sees a rock begin to move. Slowly, a head and four legs come out of the rock.)
TABBY- Are you the turtle I’m supposed to follow? (turtle nods) Oh, cripes. Well, let’s get moving.
(The turtle leads her, very slowly, down a series of passages. And some time later, they stop in front of a large stone door.)
TABBY- You want me to open the door? (Turtle nods) Okay. I’ve come this far. No use turning back now...(she turns knob)
(Tabby opens the door and steps into a room. The room is large, done mostly in green. There is a pretty, brown-haired lady [Artemis] at the far end of the room)
ARTEMIS- Welcome, Tabitha.
TABBY- W-w- who are you?
ARTEMIS- Tabitha, there is no need to be frightened. I am Artemis, and I need your help. The whole WORLD needs your help.
TABBY- What?! What are you talking about?! I’m just a normal kid!
ARTEMIS- No, Tabitha. You’re not. You possess great strength inside you.
TABBY- Great strength?!? I am 4’8”!!! And I am GOING BACK TO SPIRIT FALLS!!!!
(Tabby turns to leave, but the door is gone)
TABBY- Uh, where’s the door?
ARTEMIS- Tabitha, listen closely. You are the only one with enough strength to accept the ARTEMIS MEDALION. And only the one with the ARTEMIS MEDALION can save the world from Queen Aphrodite of the planet Venus.
TABBY- Huh?! What?! I just want to go home! I don’t want to save the world!! I didn’t MEAN it when I said I wanted neat powers!!
ARTEMIS- Tabitha, you are the world’s only hope!
TABBY- Why me?
ARTEMIS- For reasons unclear to me, I have been asked to pass the power on to you.
TABBY- But-
ARTEMIS- My brother’s oracle at Delphi never lies. Destiny is something you are born with. As we speak, Aphrodite is forming her army. Mother Earth doesn't stand a chance without you, Tabitha.
TABBY- In none of the stories Aphrodite is evil.
ARTEMIS- She wasn’t, then. It started after the fall of Rome. She was furious that no one worshipped her anymore. In retaliation, she formed an army and conquered planet after planet. But her base had always been Venus. That’s why astronomers named it after her.
TABBY- What’s your base?
ARTEMIS- Well, here, the Great Caves. But this is just borrowed land form my aunt, Demeter. And, Tabitha, don’t interrupt.
TABBY- Sorry.
ARTEMIS- So she conquered nearly every planet. Do you know how?
TABBY- How?
ARTEMIS- Aphrodite is pretty smart. She realized that people are most vulnerable when they: a) think that they are ugly, or b) are in love. And since she’s the goddess of love and beauty, she gave people those feelings.
TABBY- That is SO evil; toying with people’s emotions like that.
ARTEMIS- Isn’t it, though? Well anyway, she had tried to take over Earth before, when she had my worthless half-brother, Ares, to guide her. But my brother and I threw Ares into The Abyss. And we made Aphrodite promise to leave Earth alone for three hundred years. By then we figured she wouldn’t want Earth anymore. But she has built an army and, with the help of Hathor and her son, Eros, she plans to win Earth like she did the other planets.
TABBY- And that’s where I come in, isn’t it?
ARTEMIS- Yes. The world is counting on you, Tabitha. All of us need you. Help us, Tabitha.
TABBY- Can I think about it for a while?
ARTEMIS- Of course. (Tabby thinks for a while) (much time has passed)
TABBY- All right. I’ll do it.
ARTEMIS- Thank-you, Tabitha. The world thanks you. Here is the ARTEMIS MEDALION. When you need to “change”, throw it into the air, about your head, and say: “ARTEMIS MEDALION”.
TABBY- What’ll happen?
ARTEMIS- I’m not entirely sure. You see, the medalion hasn’t been used for three hundred years. I’m pretty sure that you’ll transform. You’ll get to carry a sword. In honor of Orion. (Artemis sighs)
TABBY- Wow. I’m ‘pecial.
ARTEMIS- Yes, you are. And if you open the medalion, like this (Artemis shows her), you can push this button and send a distress signal. I may try to contact you. If I do, the medalion will beep.
TABBY- It beeps?
ARTEMIS- Yes, it does, okay?
TABBY- Okay.
ARTEMIS- Now, I have confidence in you, Tabitha. But these powers are still new and strange to you. And so I must give someone the job of watching over you. (the turtle [Milo] and the raven [Socrates] enter)
ARTEMIS- I think you have already met. The raven is Socrates. He is our scout. He flies around and if he sees anything suspicious, he reports it to me.
SOCRATES- Hello, Tabby. You didn’t notice, but I followed you all day today.
TABBY- H-h-he can TALK!
ARTEMIS- Oh course. He is a TALKING raven. And this is Milometeus, the TALKING three-toed-box turtle.
ARTEMIS- You must take him home with you. He will teach you how to use your powers.
TABBY- A turtle. My guardian is a turtle.
ARTEMIS- Yes, a turtle. Milometeus will tell you more tomorrow. Now, go. The morning is near. Sleep well, my child.
(Tabby notices the same bright light she saw before. She puts the ARTEMIS MEDALION around her neck)
(It’s the morning. Tabby is lying on her bed.)
MOM- (yelling from downstairs) Tabby! Time to get up! We’re picking up Chad and leaving in an hour!
TABBY- (sitting up) Oh, wow. I’m so tired. That was some dream. ARTEMIS MEDALION! What was that all about? (looks around) Well, I should get dressed. Now where’s my MONKEY GIRL T-shirt?
(Tabby gets up and looks for shirt. Then she hears voice)
MILO- Tabitha, I’m hungry.
TABBY- (screams)
MILO- Don’t raise such a fuss, child. Terraruins and tortoises!
TABBY- Oh, my gawd! It wasn’t a dream! It wasn’t a dream!
MILO- Give the girl a prize. And now we have the more important duty of feeding me.
TABBY- Well, what do turtles eat?
MILO- When I lived with the Lady Artemis, I dined as an equal on ambrosia and nectar. I don’t suppose you could get Hebe down here?
TABBY- No, but I think we have a jar of honey in the pantry. How’s that?
MILO- Terrible. But if it is all you have, I will manage.
TABBY- I’m so glad it suits your highness.
MILO- Thank you, but Milometeus will do.
TABBY- That’s you name? Milo- Milometomar? Milominute: Milosporin? Milomolehill?
MILO- My name is Milometeus.
TABBY- Oh. That’s much too hard to remember and a bother to pronounce. Can’t I just call you Milo?
MILO- (shudders) Ugh. If that’s the best you can do. And please note: I haven’t been fed yet.
(Tabby goes downstairs to pantry, still in MONKEY GIRL nightshirt)
MOM- Tabby? Is that you? (Mom walks in) Tabitha!! You aren’t even dressed yet?!? Do you want to go or not?!?
TABBY- Just a second, Mom. I’m looking for my MONKEY GIRL t-shirt.
MOM- (leaving the room) Why are you looking for it in the pantry? It’s in your closet. I washed it. Did you know it hadn’t been washed all year?
TABBY- You WASHED it?!?!? But, Mom!! Cheryl Snrub touched it last year!!
MOM- Tabby, it was getting pretty gross.
TABBY- (with honey, back in room) Milo?
MILO- I’m over here. (he looks at jar) Heavens, Tabitha. I’m not that hungry. (the jar is 2x bigger than his head) I usually have a light breakfast.
TABBY- It’s for the whole day. I’m going to Brentwood today.
MILO- No, you’re not. I have to teach you to use your powers.
TABBY- But I need to go to the MONKEY GIRL festival!
MILO- No! You must stay!
TABBY- But, MONKEY GIRL!!
MILO- What’s more important?! The fate of the world or your stupid comic?!?
TABBY- The comic!! I’m going and that’s final!!
MILO- Fine, you immature little...no, wait. Artemis said I had to let you learn.
TABBY- Good. (she picks up her jeans and shirt) Um, Milo? Would you mind if I asked you to look the other way while I...um...
MILO- OK, Tabitha. Just put me in the closet. And may I remind you, please wear the ARTEMIS MEDALION at all times.
TABBY- Fine! As long as I get to go, I’m happy. I just throw it into the air and yell “ARTEMIS MEDALION”, right?
MILO- Yes. And if you just want the weapon, yell SWORD OF ORION. But I must warn you...Hey!
(Tabby shoves him in the closet with jar of honey and locks the door)
TABBY- It’s for your own good. (Tabby gets dressed. After she’s done, she lets Milo out)
MILO- You have a lot to learn about respect, young lady!
TABBY- That’s nice. Now I have to go. (she leaves)
MILO- Tabby! Wait! I need to...oh, well.
(Tabby eats breakfast, brushed teeth, watches MONKEY GIRL videos. In an hour, Chad shows up)
CHAD- Hi, Tabby! Are we ready to go?
TABBY- Yeah. (yells) Mom! Chad’s here!
(Mom comes downstairs)
MOM- Hello, Chad.
CHAD- Hi, Mrs. Trapp. (with hearts)
MOM- Are you ready, kids?
TABBY- Yes, Mom. Come on.
(they go out to car)
CHAD- Gee, Tabby. You look terrible.
TABBY- I didn’t get any sleep last night. Even less than usual.
CHAD- Why?
TABBY- Because I- (medalion beeps) Um, just a minute. I forgot my souvenir money. Yeah, that’s it.
(Tabby gets out of car and goes inside door)
TABBY- (opens ARTEMIS MEDALION) Yes?
ARTEMIS- Tabby. I’m glad I caught you.
TABBY- What’s wrong?
ARTEMIS- You can’t tell anyone about your powers.
TABBY- Not even Chad?
ARTEMIS- No.
TABBY- But-he’s my best friend! I tell him everything!
TABBY- Why not?
ARTEMIS- He wouldn’t believe you. It would ruin your relationship with him. He’d tell other people. You’ll be the laughingstock of the town. You’d be miserable, and you wouldn’t be able to concentrate on defending the world. You would become weak and Aphrodite would win the war. She would take control of the earth and throw Apollo, you, and me into the Abyss, the place of eternal torture. There, we would be forced to watch as Aphrodite made slaves out of your friends and relatives; Chad included. No one would be able to stop her, and soon the whole galaxy would be under her control! Is that reason enough for you?
TABBY- Yeah. (thinking) I forgot. When you ask adults, you always get a worst-case scenario.
ARTEMIS- I also hear that you were rude to Milo. Next time you see him, I want you to apologize.
TABBY- Yessum.
ARTEMIS- Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you. Now go back to the car. Chad and your mother are waiting for you. Go in peace, my child.
TABBY- (goes out to car) Sorry, everybody.
CHAD- That’s okay. So why couldn’t you get to sleep?
TABBY- Um, I...was...um, too excited to sleep! Yeah!
CHAD- Really? So was I! We have to go meet Kishi Snrub! Did you know her real first name is Cheryl?
TABBY- Really?!?
CHAD- Yeah! I got that info. off a Web page devoted to her. It was really cool. It had all kinds of pictures of her on it. It even had her dental x-rays! And her kindergarten school picture!
TABBY- Wow. Dental x-rays. Mom, are we there yet?
Mom- It’s in the next county over. I just backed out of our driveway.
TABBY- Oh.
(Much, much later, they get to Brentwood. The whole town is covered in MONKEY GIRL signs and banners. Kids roam the streets in Chair and Zippy and Mr. Ratporat costumes. The football field at Liberty High School is being used as a parking lot. The whole town has been transformed into a MONKEY GIRL festival.) (Tabby’s mom parks her car on the football field)
TABBY- Wow! Over there is where Kishi Snrub and her friends were forced to waste their time watching pointless school spirit rallies! (points to bleachers)
CHAD- Wow! And this is the field they were tortured on during P.E!
TABBY- Oh, cool!
MOM- Tabby, Chad, if you don’t mind, I’m going to drive over to Antioch and shop for a while. Will you guys be fine by yourselves for a while?
TABBY- Sure!
CHAD- Of course!
MOM- Here. Let me give you some money for lunch. (she gives them money) Bye, guys.
TABBY- Bye, Mom.
(Mom drives away)
TABBY & CHAD- Yay!
CHAD- Come on! The park is this way. From there we can catch the MONKEY GIRL express to Mc Clarren avenue, and from there we can walk to Kishi Snrub’s house.
TABBY- Okay, so when does the MONKEY GIRL express come?
CHAD- Five minutes. We’d better hurry.
(The next frames show them doing neat stuff. [i.e., standing in line to see Cheryl Snrub, buying food, wandering around, gawking at the first issue of MONKEY GIRL, whipping doughnuts at old people, etc.])
(A while later) (people scream)
CHAD- What the-?!?
TABBY- Cripes!!! Who’s THAT?!?
(Hathor is standing on the playground equipment surrounded by a bunch of super-deformed cupids)
HATHOR- I am Hathor, a servant of Aphrodite, Queen of Venus! Citizens of Earth: give in to Her divine rule and you will be spared!
(People run and scream)
CHAD- What!! Aliens aren’t real!!
TABBY- (calmly) They aren’t aliens.
CHAD- Huh?!?
TABBY- They’re ancient Gods and Goddesses.
CHAD- Tabby? What do you-?!?!
WOMAN- Run! She’s crazy! We’ll all be killed!!
TABBY- Chad, I have to go!
CHAD- Huh?!? Tabby, wait!
(Tabby runs toward Hathor. She stops behind a tree) (Tabby rips ARTEMIS MEDALION off her neck)
TABBY- Ow. That hurt. Now, what was I supposed to say?
(Mr. Clarke approaches)
CLARKE- Tabby! Say, “ARTEMIS MEDALION” and toss it in the air! Hurry!
TABBY- Mr. Clarke?!? What are you...?
CLARKE- Don’t worry about it! Hurry!
TABBY- (throws it) ARTEMIS MEDALION!!!
(a bright white light, no unlike the one she saw when she was transported to the Great Caves the night before, flashes. Tabby is standing in the park in her spiffy warrior formation)
TABBY- Hey! I can see without my glasses! (she looks around) Whoo-Hoo! I’m taller!!
CLARKE- Hurry! You can’t let Hathor’s army fire the arrows!
TABBY- Right!
(Tabby runs over to the playground equipment)
TABBY- Hold it right there!
HATHOR- Who are you?!?
TABBY- I’m, uh, I’m...well...It’s not my, uh, name that’s important! Yeah, It’s my cause!! Yes. That will work.
HATHOR- I guess it is of no importance. Soon you will just be a Jane Doe in the morgue.
TABBY- That’s what you think! SWORD OF ORION!
(they have a really cool battle in which Tabby beheads a bunch of the cupids, only to find that their heads return to their bodies)
TABBY- Ugh!
(So they keep fighting. After a while, the Head Cupid says something to Hathor, and she gives the signal to retreat)
TABBY- They got away!
CLARKE- But you drained a lot of their strength. That’s good, for a beginner.
TABBY- It is? How do you know?
CLARKE- Um, you see, Tabby, well, how old do you think I am?
TABBY- I dunno. Sixty?
CLARKE- Try 314.
TABBY- What?
CLARKE- When I was your age, I was given the power. In exchange for my service and loyality, I was given eternal life.
TABBY- Wow. And, are you still a...
CLARKE- Yes. I still work for Artemis and Apollo. In fact, I am partly responsible for you being chosen.
TABBY- That’s all well and good, but how do I return to my normal form?
CLARKE- Press the medalion and say your name.
TABBY- (presses medalion) Tabitha! (Tabby is in normal clothes) Oh, cripes! I’ve got to find Chad!
APHRODITE- You failed?!? How could you?!?
HATHOR- Some loony in a bizarre costume attacked us.
(Aphrodite turns pale)
APHRODITE- What?
HATHOR- Some girl. With a rather large sword, I recall. She fought until our army had little strength left.
APHRODITE- No! I thought I had slayed her at the last battle!! That damn oracle of Apollo’s must have alerted them and they have brought her back!!!
Hathor- Who? You must remember, I have only been 250 years in your service, my Queen.
APHRODITE- The Lunarian.
(Tabby sneaks back under the “Crime scene-stay back” tape the police have set up. She finds Chad in the crowd.)
TABBY- Oh, Chad! There you are! I got caught in the park! I saw everything!
CHAD- Are you alright?!?
TABBY- Yeah. I’m fine. C’mon, I’m hungry.
Go on to Issue #2
Back to main page