(In Aphrodite’s castle)
APHRODITE- I’ve been thinking...
EROS- About what, Ma?
APHRODITE- Why waste our time conquering the adults, when children are the future?? Little kids, five or six-they’re the ones we should be controlling! In a few decades, they’ll be running the world! If I can control them now, they’ll simply hand the world over to me.
HATHOR- Brilliant, your majesty.
APHRODITE- All I need is a test subject...
(After school, with Tabby + friends)
(Miranda coughs)
CHAD- You don’t sound so good, Miranda.
MIRANDA- I’m just tired, is all. Oog. And I have to baby-sit next door tonight, too. (sniffle sniffle)
TABBY- Didn’t you baby-sit last night, too?
MIRANDA- Yeah. On short notice, too. They called me in the middle of my Geometry homework and said they had to work late. (cough sniff cough)
MARY- Maybe you should stay home from school tomorrow.
MIRANDA- No, I can’t! (sneeze sneeze)
AMI- Bless you. Why not?
MIRANDA- I have tests in almost all of my classes. (sniffle)
CHAD- I really do think you’re sick.
MIRANDA- I never get sick. That’s crazy.
(The next day, at lunch...)
MIRANDA- I feel terrible. I think I’m sick.
TABBY- Well, I could have told you that.
MIRANDA- I’m going to have to find someone to babysit for me this weekend. So-Eliott, what are you eating?!
ELIOTT- Oh, its a burrito. I like to dissect it and eat the tortilla first. Then, I eat the filling with my hands.
(Miranda turns green. Her cheeks bulge and she covers her mouth. She runs to bathroom.)
(Later that night, at Miranda’s house. Miranda is in bed, surrounded by tissues.)
(She calls Mary)
MARY- Hello?
MIRANDA- Mary? It’s Miranda. I’m really sick, so I was wondering if you could baby-sit Mike and Polly tomorrow for me.
MARY- You’re kidding, aren’t you? (click)
MIRANDA- She hung up on me!
(She calls Cherry)
CHERRY- Hello?
MIRANDA- Cherry? Could you baby-sit Polly and-
CHERRY- You mean those monsters Mrs. Lewis tries to pass off as children?!? Sorry, but no. (click)
MIRANDA- Hmm, Eliott’s good with kids...
(she calls Eliott)
ANSWERING MACHINE- Hi, leave a message. Oh, and if this is for Eliott and you’re anyone but Cherry, you may as well hang up now. Beep. (she hangs up)
MIRANDA- Raspberry Pancake!!
(30 minutes later, she calls Tabby)
TABBY- Hello?
MIRANDA- Oh, Tabby! Its horrible! I’ve called and called everyone, and no one will help me!
TABBY- What’s wrong?
MIRANDA- I’m so very sick, and no one will baby-sit Mike and Polly!
TABBY- I will.
MIRANDA- Oh, Tabby! You’re an angel sent from heaven to save me from my head imploding!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!
TABBY- Don’t mention it.
(the next day, Saturday, at 10:00am)
TABBY- Here’s the address. Hmm. That’s Miranda’s house. Maybe I need to get some last-minute instructions.
(She knocks. Miranda’s little brother + Marcus’s friend Benjerman answers the door.)
BENJERMAN- Oh, hello Tabby. I was just on my way over to your house. Marcus and I are building an android today.
TABBY- Uh...neat. Could I talk to Miranda?
BENJERMAN- Ohh...so you’re the one Miranda roped into babysitting for her today. Perhaps you would rather help Marcus and I build our android.
TABBY- No, I’m not going to back out of it.
BENJERMAN- Okay...Miranda’s in her room.
(Tabby enters house; Benjerman leaves house.)
(Tabby gets to Miranda’s room. She knocks)
MIRANDA- (from inside) Benjerman!! Leave me alone! I won’t go scavenge for android parts!! I’m sick!! (cough)
TABBY- Miranda, its me, Tabby.
MIRANDA- Oh, okay. Come in.
(She goes in)
MIRANDA- So, what’s wrong? What have those kids done to you??
TABBY- Nothing! I don’t have to go over there for twenty minutes!
MIRANDA- You mean its only ten o’ clock?!? Oh, its too early for me to be awake. I’m going back to bed. (sneeze) But...this isn’t the time to tell you, but Polly is kind of spoiled.
TABBY- Oh, okay...is that all?
MIRANDA- I mean, really spoiled.
TABBY- Ah.
(At Chad’s house. Chad is feeling lonely)
CHAD- So, Tabby’s off baby-sitting and Oi-ya is in the Great Caves. What should I do? (he thinks) Well, I could bond with Kenny, or I could stare blankly at the wall. (he sits in the middle of the floor) The wall it is.
(Tabby walks up and rings the doorbell.)
MRS. LEWIS- (opens door) Oh, hello. You must be Tara Trapp! Any relation to Terri Trapp??
TABBY- Um, yes. My mother, the washed-up super model. And-my name is Tabby, Ma’am.
MRS. LEWIS- Fascinating! I could tell; you bear a little resemblance to her. Dear, come out and meet Terri Trapp’s little girl! (to her husband)
MR. LEWIS- Little is right! How old are you, ten??
TABBY- No. I’m just short. (blandly)
MRS. LEWIS- Enchanting! So, what is your mother like?
TABBY- She’s shallow. Before I threatened her with physical violence, she weighed me every morning. She would freak if I gained an ounce. She constantly reeks of hair spray. And she spends all of her free time baking and wondering why I’m not popular.
MRS. LEWIS- Wonderful!! Your mother sounds positively wonderful! So, Tara, I believe Dirk and I should be leaving. Mike and Polly are in the yard. Emergency numbers by the phone.
TABBY- Okay. And my name is-
(they leave + close door)
TABBY- Tabby.
(She walks to backyard. She sees a boy [Mike] and a girl [Polly]. The boy is about 9. He is throwing a baseball up against the fence and catching it in his glove. The girl is about 5. She is playing quietly with some dolls in a pink suitcase.)
TABBY- Hi. I’m your babysitter.
POLLY- (looks up) You’re not Miranda!!
MIKE- Eww! A girl!! Why couldn’t Mom and Dad leave us with a hitchhiker with a hook or something?!?
TABBY- I’m so very sorry I’m not a hobo. (sarcastically)
POLLY- Miranda is never that sarcastic.
TABBY- (sighs) So, kids, what do you want to do?
POLLY- Play dolls with me!!
TABBY- O-kay.
POLLY- Here. You can play with my “Teenage Pregnant Bulimic Betty” doll.
TABBY- What!?!
POLLY- Oh, do you want to play with “Cheap Slut Bulimic Betty” instead?
TABBY- I don’t think-
POLLY- You’re right. You look more like an “Anorexic Ann” person. And Mike can be “Steroid-abuser Steve”!!
TABBY- I don’t think that these dolls are right for impressionable young children to play with. What kind of message do you suppose girls get when they play with these dolls??
POLLY- That's a simple question. The message is: “If you’re easy and know how to cook, you’ll meet a man who will buy you a pink sports car, a pony farm, and a Malibu Beach House.” In short, “Looks over Books.”
TABBY- You’re 5 years old!!! What kind of morals do you have?!?
POLLY- Very loose ones.
(Tabby calls Chad about an hour later)
CHAD- Hello?
TABBY- Chad, these kids are making me crazy. I hadn’t been over for five minutes before the little girl gave me a “Looks over Books” speech. I’ve been outside with them for an hour!
CHAD- Wow. How’d you finally escape??
TABBY- I went inside for an ice-pak after Mike beaned me with his baseball. I almost lost consciousness.
(Polly + Mike walk up.)
POLLY- Tabby, we’re hungry.
TABBY- (to Chad) I’d better go. (to kids) Your mom said we can go out to lunch.
POLLY- I want to go to Burger Palace!
TABBY- But that's all the way in Beech Grove! It’s a half-hour bus ride over there! Can’t we stay in town??
POLLY- I want to go.
TABBY- I don’t think its a good idea.
POLLY- I want to go.
(A little later, at the Bus Station)
POLLY- Thanks, Tabby. You’re the bestest!
TABBY- Fig. (she looks down at the pink suitcase.) What is that for??
POLLY- Its all of my Bulimic Betty dolls and most of their accessories.
TABBY- And you (to Mike), why do you always wear that baseball glove??
MIKE- I feel like it, okay!?
TABBY- O-kay.
(later, at the restaurant)
(Polly takes one bite.)
POLLY- I’m full.
TABBY- What?!? We came all the way down here for you to take two bites and be full?!?
POLLY- I don’t recall taking a second bite.
TABBY- Augh!!!
(In the Great Caves)
APOLLO- Uh-oh. This can’t be good. (He looks into Oracle.) Something bad is about to happen. Stupid Oracle! Why do you have to be so vague?!?
(They return to Mike + Polly’s house)
TABBY- Hey, kids! How about going to the park?
MIKE- Cool! Can I call one of my friends and have them meet me, so we can play some baseball?!?
TABBY- Of course! (thinking) Just let me call Chad first.
(Later, at the park)
TABBY- Go play with you dolls under that big tree, okay Polly?
POLLY- Okay. (She goes)
MIKE- There’s my friend, Billy. Hey, Billy!! Wait up!!
TABBY- Now, where is Chad?
(In Aphrodite’s castle)
APHRODITE- We’re ready. Now, I need you to capture a live, human child. Hathor, Eros will be with you for this phase of the plan.
HATHOR- But, your Majesty!!
EROS- Thanks, Ma! I knew you trusted me!
(Hathor looks distraught)
(At the park, Chad finds Tabby)
CHAD- There you are!
TABBY- There you are!!
CHAD- Where are the small children?
TABBY- Mike is playing ball with his friend Billy, and Polly is playing with her dolls right over there. We should stay where we can see her.
CHAD- No problem. I brought MONKEY GIRL!
(they sit on a nearby bench and read the comics.)
(Socrates flies up and sits on the bench)
SOCRATES- Hello! Apollo wants you to know that he thinks Aphrodite is planning something.
TABBY- So what??? Aphrodite is always planning something! Haven’t you been paying attention?!
(Socrates gives Tabby a mean look. He flies away.)
CHAD- Thank-you.
(Hathor and Eros are in the park, waiting for further instructions.)
APHRODITE- I’ve decide which child to kidnap.
HATHOR- (to herself) Kidnapping small children. This is another pinacle in my fascinating life.
EROS- Which one, Ma?
APHRODITE- That child, the one playing under that big tree.
(they look, and see Polly)
HATHOR- We see her.
APHRODITE- Good. End Communication. (She is gone)
(Polly gets up and walks over to Tabby and Chad.)
EROS- Hey, Hathor! It looks like Tabby and Chad got together and had a nice little family!
HATHOR- No, they didn’t. But they obviously know her. I think we should choose a different kid.
EROS- And why?!
HATHOR- You know they’re going to try to get her back! One could liken it to digging one’s own grave!
EROS- Hee hee hee! Hathor, you’re silly. We’re immortal! Hee hee hee!!!
HATHOR- I don’t think that it is a good idea.
EROS- And I think that it’s the best idea Ma’s ever had!! Now, here. You distract them!
(Hathor runs over to the jungle gym and yells.)
HATHOR- Hey, Lunarian!! Look at me!!!
(Tabby + Chad look up.)
TABBY- Oh, my god!!
CHAD- What’s she doing?!? Trying to get caught?!
(They transform)
(All the children run away, screaming.)
(While Tabby and Chad fight Hathor, Eros grabs Polly)
POLLY- Hey! Let go! (With her free hand, she grabs the suitcase full of her
dolls.)
(Eros signals Hathor. He and Polly vanish.)
HATHOR- We have what we need. (She vanishes)
TABBY- What?
(They un-transform)
TABBY- Where are Mike and Polly???
CHAD- I don’t see them.
TABBY- (Calling) Mike!! Polly!!!
CHAD- Polly?!!
TABBY + CHAD- Mike!!! Polly!!!
(Mike runs up)
MIKE- I’m going to Billy’s house. Bye.
(Mike leaves)
TABBY- Well, that’s all well and good, but where’s Polly?
(In Aphrodite’s castle...)
APHRODITE- Do you have her? I want to see her.
HATHOR- She’s in my room. (She shrugs) I didn’t know where else to put her.
APHRODITE- Okay.
(they walk to Hathor’s room. Polly is laying across the bed, playing with the dolls. When Aphrodite and Hathor walk in, she sits up.)
APHRODITE- I am Aphrodite. I have brought you here so I can teach you to obey me, as all children of your age will soon do. What do you say to that?
POLLY- (holding out her doll) You look like my Bulimic Betty doll!!
(Aphrodite takes the doll in her hand)
APHRODITE- You’re right! It looks just like me! This is...uncanny!!
(She sits down and begins to play with the childrens’ toy)
APHRODITE- Hathor! Look at it!! This doll is me!!
HATHOR- (muttering) The really sad thing is that I halfway saw this coming.
(In the Great Caves)
TABBY- Artemis, I’ve done a really horrible thing!
ARTEMIS- Which is...?
TABBY- I’ve lost Polly.
ARTEMIS- Thats pretty bad.
OI-YA- You could use the oracle to look for her.
CHAD- Great idea, Oi-ya! Apollo, ask the oracle to find Polly.
APOLLO- Thats a good idea. I’ll be back in a bit.
(About a half-hour later-)
APOLLO- I have some bad news.
TABBY- What?!?
APOLLO- Aphrodite has Polly.
CHAD- Oh, no!
TABBY- What have I done? I can only imagine what horrible things Aphrodite is doing to that poor girl!!
(Polly and Aphrodite are playing dolls on Hathor’s bed. Hathor is sitting in a chair across the room, looking annoyed.)
HATHOR- When do you plan to get out of my room, your Majesty?
APHRODITE- (ignoring Hathor) And here’s Crack Whore Bulimic Betty, coming down the stairs to Police Line-up Steroid Abuser Steve’s car!
HATHOR- Uh, your Majesty?
(Eros walks by the open door to Hathor’s room)
POLLY- Hey, Eros! We need someone to be Steroid Abuser Steve!
EROS- I’m there! (he comes in and gets on the bed. He picks up the doll.)
HATHOR- I can’t believe this is happening!
TABBY- So, what are we going to do?!
ARTEMIS- I’m not sure!
MILO- Aphrodite may try to send you a message at your house, Tabitha.
OI-YA- You’re right, Milo. Tabby, you and Chad should go home, while we wait here.
(Tabby and Chad leave)
MIRANDA- (cough) I wonder how Tabby’s doing.
(Tabby and Chad are at Mr. + Mrs. Lewis’s house)
TABBY- Hold on. I just need to get something.
(The phone rings)
TABBY- Hello??
MIRANDA- Hi, Tabby! Its Miranda. (sneeze)
TABBY- (thinking) Oh, no!!
MIRANDA- I was just wondering if you were (cough) doing all right.
TABBY- Oh, yes. We’re fine. Mike is at Billy’s house.
MIRANDA- Yeah...I supposed.
TABBY- (thinking) Please hang up. Please hang up. Please hang up.
MIRANDA- Could I talk to Polly? (sniffle sniffle)
TABBY- Huh?? Why??
MIRANDA- I just-are you sure you’re allright?
TABBY- Yeah.
MIRANDA- Well, I have to go. But I’ll call to talk to Polly again real soon.
TABBY- Okay. Okay. Bye.
(They hang up.)
MIRANDA- Something weird is going on. I’m starting to think I should have tried harder to get Eliott to babysit.
(Back to Tabby)
TABBY- That was close.
CHAD- Huh?
TABBY- Nothing. Now, to my house!
(In Hathor’s room)
APHRODITE- (as Bulimic Betty) You tramp! Ann, you slut!! How could you do something like that to me?! You slept with Steve the night before our wedding!!
POLLY- (as Anorexic Ann) I was testing him for you.
APHRODITE- (as Bulimic Betty) I’ll kill you!!
(she makes the doll lunge at Polly’s)
EROS- (as Steroid Steve) Girls, stop. You can both be my whores!
APHRODITE + POLLY- (as their dolls) Yay!
(Hathor looks over)
HATHOR- I work during the day. I do things.
APHRODITE- Good idea! Go down to the toy store or whatever and purchase some new dolls for us. Here’s some money!
HATHOR- (muttering) That’s not quite what I had in mind.
(Hathor is in a toy store or something, disguised as a mortal [This is the first time people ever see Hathor as a different person; a shapeshifter, if you will.] She has one of those neat little baskets, and it is filled with dolls)
HATHOR- I can’t believe I’m doing this.
(Mike and Billy are nearby, looking at baseball cards. They see Hathor and laugh to themselves.)
BILLY- Let’s give her a hard time!
MIKE- Hee hee!! Yeah!
(They walk over to Hathor.)
BILLY- Hey. Don’t you think you’re a little too old for dollies?
MIKE- Yeah. What are you, 30??
HATHOR- Actually, I’m considerably older. And these dolls are for my airhead boss.
MIKE- That’s what they all say.
HATHOR- Some little kid with a pink suitcase full of dolls got my boss hooked on them.
MIKE- Really?? That sounds like my sister, Polly.
(At Miranda’s house, she calls Tabby [Who is supposed to be at Mr. + Mrs. Lewis’ house]. When there is no answer, she panics.)
MIRANDA- Why doesn’t she answer?!? Something must be wrong!!
(Miranda gets out of bed. She has empty Kleenex boxes on her feet.)
MIRANDA- I need to (sneeze) find out what’s going on!
(She walks, in a zombie-like trance, to her neighbor’s house. She bangs on the door)
MIRANDA- Tabby!! Polly!! Is anybody home?!!
(At Tabby’s house)
CHAD- What’s taking them so long??
TABBY- It’s all my fault! I should have been playing closer attention to her.
CHAD- Now now, Tabby. You know that...oh, who am I kidding?!? It is your fault!!
(Tabby gives him a mean look)
CHAD- But...its as much my fault as it is yours.
TABBY- (thinking) Why do I put up with him?
OI-YA- I’ve got it!
(They’re in the Great Caves, trying to figure out a way to get Polly back.)
SOCRATES- What??
OI-YA- If we could distract Aphrodite, we could transport Polly here!
ARTEMIS- That just might work!
APOLLO- But how to distract them??
MILO- We could always challenge someone to a duel.
OI-YA- Is that all you ever think about?!?
SOCRATES- No, it might work.
APOLLO- We have to be sure.
(Hathor comes back to her room after purchasing the new dolls.)
HATHOR- I’m back. I got the new dolls you wanted.
APHRODITE- Yay!!
POLLY- I’m hungry.
EROS- I know! Mommy, I mean; Hathor, will you make us some cookies?
HATHOR- What do I look like, your mother?!?
(She looks at Aphrodite and shudders.)
HATHOR- Okay.
(Hathor goes to the kitchen.)
HATHOR- I’m not getting paid enough for this.
(With Miranda, who still has Kleenex boxes on her feet.)
MIRANDA- Don’t overreact, Miranda. They might be...um...at the park!
(She begins to walk to the park.)
(Two old guys are sitting on the porch of a rest home. Miranda walks by.)
OLD GUY #1- That girl has tissue boxes on her feet.
OLD GUY #2- That’s hell in a handbasket, there.
(Hathor is in the kitchen, baking cookies.)
HATHOR- Why am I doing this?
(Artemis appears in the kitchen)
ARTEMIS- Greetings, Hathor.
HATHOR- Artemis! What are you doing here?!
ARTEMIS- I’ve come with a challenge. If you can’t defeat my Lunarian in a competition, you have to do whatever we ask you. If, however, you emerge the victor, we’ll grant your boss a favor.
HATHOR- Supposing I lose, what will you have me do?
ARTEMIS- Return Polly to her family.
HATHOR- Oh, is that all?? Take the little brat. I don’t care.
ARTEMIS- But...why???
HATHOR- She’s been making my life a living Hades ever since she got here.
ARTEMIS- Oh. Well...I wasn’t expecting that. I guess...It’s highly unorthodox, but we can probably do it.
(In the Great Caves)
APOLLO- Are we ready?
MILO- We’re ready.
APOLLO- Bring her back.
(Artemis returns in a portal of green glitter)
OI-YA- What did she say??
ARTEMIS- She said we could just take her, as long as we don’t tell her boss.
MILO- We’d better tell Tabby.
SOCRATES- I’ll go now.
(Tabby and Chad are sitting in the park.)
TABBY- Okay. I don’t think I can do it.
CHAD- Of course you can.
TABBY- You don’t get it. I’ve dueled with Hathor before.
CHAD- I know. To save me. (Tabby blushes) I forgot to thank you for that.
TABBY- Hathor almost won.
CHAD- But she didn’t.
(Awkward silence)
(Socrates flies down.)
SOCRATES- Good news, Tabby! You don’t have to fight Hathor!
TABBY- Really?!
SOCRATES- Hathor apparently doesn’t want to keep Polly anymore. We’ll transport her here.
TABBY- Yay!
(Chad looks and sees Miranda, with Kleenex boxes on her feet, coming toward them.)
CHAD- How soon can you do it? (he points at Miranda)
TABBY- Oh no!! Its Miranda!!!
SOCRATES- Just a minute. (he flies off.)
(Miranda walks up)
CHAD- Miranda, you really should be in bed. You look really sick.
TABBY- Are those Kleenex boxes on your feet??
MIRANDA- I have misplaced my slippers.
CHAD- That’ll do it.
MIRANDA- Where is Polly?
TABBY- Umm...
(Socrates flies into Caves, finds Artemis.)
SOCRATES- Hurry!! Do it now!! Miranda’s coming!!
ARTEMIS- Who’s Miranda?
SOCRATES- Never mind! Just bring Polly back!!
(In park)
TABBY- You see...
MIRANDA- Yes?
CHAD- It’s a funny thing, really...
(Aphrodite’s palace; Hathor’s room)
POLLY- I’m kind of sleepy. I’m going to take a nap, Aunty Aphrodite.
APHRODITE- (thinking) Aw, Aunty Aphrodite. I like the sound of that. (she tucks blankets around Polly)
APHRODITE- (to Polly) Sweet dreams.
(As Polly drifts off to sleep, she begins to be transported to the Great Caves.)
APHRODITE- Polly?! Polly!?! Polly!!!
(She is gone)
APHRODITE- Artemis!!
(In Great Caves)
SOCRATES- Transport her to the park!
ARTEMIS- But...the syrem!
SOCRATES- But she’s just a little girl. She’ll think it was a dream.
ARTEMIS- Okay. Send her.
SOCRATES- The dolls!! Get the dolls from Aphrodite!
(They get the dolls + send Polly)
(At park, Chad looks around)
TABBY- This is hard for me to say, but...
CHAD- (Sees Polly behind a nearby tree.) She’s sleeping behind this tree!!
(Miranda walks over, Polly wakes up)
POLLY- Oh. Am I back here??
MIRANDA- What?! Did you expect to be somewhere else?!
POLLY- I was in a bedroom. I spent the day with this really pretty lady...I liked her.
TABBY- You must have been dreaming. (relieved)
POLLY- It was such a lovely dream, too.
MIRANDA- I’ll get your dolls. Let’s go home.
(Tabby and Chad exchange exhausted glances.)
(At Polly’s house, in her room, alone, she puts away her dolls.)
(She comes to one of the new dolls that Hathor bought.)
POLLY- It was real.