The BST Movie

Setting: a small town library somewhere in New England (Marlborough, MA)

Patrick is leaving work at the library, locking the front door as he goes. He walks down the street and enters into a local bar-cafe. He meets Margaret, Linda, and Larry there for a drink. They talk about Janet's recent promotion to department head at the Boston Public Library. They make plans to visit her on the weekend.

cut to next scene

Setting: a high class apartment in Boston

Janet is lounging on the couch with her cat, watching television. The doorbell rings. She gets up and answers it. It is Mary Griffin who appears disheveled and frightened.

Mary: "Someone tried to kill me!"
Janet: "What?!"

They enter and close the door.

Mary: "Someone broke into my apartment and tried to kill me!"

Janet sits her down on the couch and goes to the kitchen to get a glass of scotch for Mary.

Janet: "Did you see who it was?
Mary: "A man, tall, and thin, but I couldn't see his face.
Janet: "I'll call the police"
Mary: "I'm so scared."
Janet: "It will be alright."

Janet dials the number on the phone.

Fade away

Setting: warehouse district

Nikki stands on the street corner, pacing nervously. Matt appears from the alley. They embrace.

Matt: "I fouled it"
Nikki: "Oh no, what will V say?"
Matt: "I don't know, but she'll be really pissed."
Nikki: Have you heard from McArthur?
Matt: Not yet, the ransom note was delivered yesterday."
Nikki: Well, we better go meet with V.

Matt nods. They get into a beat up van with the bumper sticker "If this van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin" and drive away.

Setting: a psychiatrist's office

Renee lays rigidly on a couch darting nervous glances as the imperious looking shrink, who is actually Marie.

Renee: (thought voice over) "Why does she seem so hauntingly familiar?"
Renee: (aloud) I'm sure something's wrong... I can't remember the names of my children. I smell evil in the air..."
Marie: "Have you been taking those vitamins I prescribed? I think that you should increase your dosage until your paranoia and memory loss go away."

The digital clock emits a loud buzz. Renee leaps from the couch nearly brushing the ceiling.

Marie: "Time's up. See you in hell ... uh, I mean next week.)
(to empty room) "Could she suspect? I wish that she would hurry up and die so that I can steal her husband. Almost time to meet with V..." (as she leaves) "that job I got for the wretched Renee down at the Little Devil's Pit for Hyperactive Children should just about push her over the edge... hah, hah, hah..."

Renee: (while driving, to herself) "I hate that place. I can't go back. Why am I so drowsy?"

Renee pulls into her driveway and grabs the mail as she enters the house. She goes into the kitchen and begins to look at the mail. She comes across a typed envelope addressed to her. She opens it to find an odd letter comprised of pieced-together letters clipped from magazines.

The letter reads, "We has your children. If you wants them back living, gives us $1,000,000 cash that we wants."

Renee's shriek echoes throughout her suburban neighborhood.

Setting: the interior of a dark warehouse.

A candle illuminates the faces of Marie, Nikki, and Matt. They are momentarily bathed in moonlight as V enters through a door, which she quickly shuts and locks.

V: "Ah, I'm glad to see you are punctual at least. I've already heard that you botched the Griffin job."

She shoots a hard look at Matt.

Matt: "Hey, I didn't expect her to be so strong. She's like an amazon!"
V: "Don't give me your pathetic excuses. I'll tolerate no more mistakes. I want to see Davenport's world fall apart like a house of cards in kite-flying weather. What about you, Marie?"
Marie: "I think that McArthur is ready to crack. Either that or she'll o.d. on what I've been giving her."
Nikki: "She should get the ransom letter any time."
V: "Good, good. And the hit?"
Nikki: "We've contracted one of the best. Martincik will be dead very soon."
V: "Ha, ha, ha! Davenport, you will rue the day you stole the department head job from my eminently-qualified self!"

Setting: a park somewhere in Boston

Lisa and Dan are necking on a park bench. The Body-Book Man approaches. Upon seeing the two, he becomes enraged.

BB: "Are your married?!"

Lisa and Dan both look up in surprise. Body-Book Man grabs Dan and throws him into a tree. Dan is knocked unconscious. Lisa leaps into a flying kick to Body-Book Man's jaw. He falls backward, but recovers quickly. He lunges at Lisa, tackling her to the ground. She is stunned by this attack. Taking the opportunity, Body-Book Man quickly ties her up with book tape. He then picks her up and loads her into the back of his Pea Green Chevy Luv pickup truck.

BB: (on his CB) "This is Dallas calling Jabba."

The radio crackles.

Voice: "This is J.D. Did you get her?"
BB: "Yes, I did. Shall I take her to the base?"
Voice: "Yes, the plane will be waiting at terminal 84."
BB: "Roger. Over and out."

Body-Book Man drives off, heading for the airport. On the way, he pulls over and gets out.

BB: (to the limp figure of Lisa) "I can't do this. I love you too much now. I must save you from Jabba's evil grasp. But how?"

Back at the park, where Dan lies still, the Mumbling Lady comes on the scene. Discovering that she is too late, she grumbles and shuffles over to Dan. He begins to come to, so she starts mumbling unintelligibly to him. He looks at her, confused by the whole series of events. She shrugs her shoulders and disappears through the bushes.

Setting: Cheers bar, at a table to the left of Cliff and Normie's favorite stools.

Linda, Larry, Margaret, Pat, and Janet sit at a table with beers. Janet relates the events of the last few days, to the horror of the others. She tells them of a matchbook found in Mary's apartment. It was from the Blue Oyster Bar.

Larry: "Excuse me, I need to go to the head."

But instead of going to the restroom, he goes to the payphone. He makes a call.

Larry: "Yes, operator, I need to make a call to Antwerp, Belgium."
Operator: "Do you have a long distance calling card?"
Larry: "Yes, my number is 1984."

The call goes through.

Lisa H.: "Merry Maids! May I help you?"
Larry: "It is a bright day that brings forth the adder."
Lisa H.: "The taper burns now in your closet, sir."
Larry: "Then walk we forth, even to the marketplace."
Lisa H.: "Be that the uttermost, and fail not then."

Larry hangs up and returns to the table.

Setting: a house in the low-income section of Boston.

Body-Book Man has Lisa tied to a Lazyboy recliner. She is fighting to free herself but cannot break out of the book tape. There are human growth and development pictures covering the walls of the room. Body-Book Man is standing on the bed, wearing a bathrobe. He is staring at Lisa and softly singing, "She got the goldmine and I got the shaft." The doorbell rings. Body-Book Man jumps down, telling Lisa to be quiet, even though her mouth is taped shut. He leaves the room and shuts the door. At the front door, Body-Book Man meets Debbie.

Debbie: "Hi! I'm investigating the disappearance of a Boston woman and wondered if you could help me?"
BB: (nervously) "Sure, please come in. Can I get you something to drink?"

Body-Book Man glances at a heavy book sitting near him.

Debbie: "No, thank you."

Body-Book Man reaches for the book and grabs it. He then flings it at Debbie and runs toward the bedroom. The book flies into Debbie's face, causing her to stumble backwards. She quickly gets up and pulls out her gun, a Beretta Model 92S. She chases Body-Book Man to his bedroom, where she is met with a barrage of medical books and glossy magazines. She ducks behind a bookcase in the hallway. After the texts quit flying, Debbie moves slowly to the door. She doesn't hear anything, so she kicks the door in, finding the bedroom empty, save for a booktaped Lisa. A window is open. Debbie looks out in time to see Body-Book Man driving away in his Chevy Luv. She fires a few shots, but to no avail. Debbie goes over to Lisa and cuts her free with her Swiss Army knife. Lisa thanks Debbie generously with hugs and sobs, but she has murder in her eyes. Elsewhere, Dan experiences an instant unexplained rage of jealousy.

Setting: Renee's home in suburban Braintree.

Renee is busily moving about her living room, organizing the furniture by Dewey Decimal number. Suddenly, her brother Rich enters the front door. He is wearing shades and moving noticeably slow, steering clear of the furniture. He makes a beeline for the bathroom where he rifles through the medicine cabinet until he holds a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in his grasp. Popping the dosage cap from the bottleneck, he takes two swigs of the thick pink liquid, grimacing all the while. Haphazardly replacing the cap, he shoves the bottle in between the Hydrocortizone and the Hypnox, creating disarray among the otherwise alphabetically-arranged medicine. About to slam the cabinet door shut, Rich does a double-take, raising his shades to better see the innocuous-looking bottle of Austrian-made Barbitol now nestled next to the Pepto. He lets out a low whistle.

Rich: "Holee shit, since when have you been using high-price barbies? I'd have dropped by to bum money off you a long time ago if I'd known."

He responds to Renee's curious lack of biting rejoinder by peeking into the living room, where Renee is now placing Dewey Decimal number labels on all of her furniture. She stickers Rich and places him between the sofa and endtable.

Rich: "Isn't this a bit extreme even for you? Hey, where are your illustrious progeny?"
Renee: (shuddering) "My children!"
Rich: "Yeah, that's what I was referring to. Where are they?"

Renee shoves a ransom note at him.

Rich: "Ooh, that's rough! I s'pose this belongs to one of them then."

Rich reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a T-shirt.

Rich: "I found it on the lawn."

Renee dazedly grabs the T-shirt, looking at the label.

Renee: "I wouldn't let any of my kids wear this stinky thing! The label reads, 'Don Baier'."
Rich: "Don who?"
Renee: "Don Baier! The reknowned strip artist! But his habits have given him away! I'll grind that bastard into dust! If I only didn't feel so sluggish..."
Rich: "It must be the drugs. Snap out of it, Renee! Come back to your old, sharp-tongued self! C'mon..."

Rich slaps Renee five time across the face. Renee one-handedly grabs his arm and stops him from delivering a sixth blow.

Renee: "Enough! Away from me, cretin!"

Renee heaves Rich across the living room where he crashes into an overstuffed chair.

Rich: "Oof! Ah, awake, I see."
Renee: "I feel better than I have in a long time." (flexing her muscles) "What in the world has been going on?"
Rich: "So, I see you are in a dilemma, what with your kids being gone and all that. But I bet I can help you. Let's say we make a trade. Those drugs for a few assault rifles and other various instruments of mayhem which I just happen to have in the trunk of my car."
Renee: (fixing a riveting glare on Rich) "Drugs? What?...Wait, I think I remember now. Yes, I can see a pattern to all of the events leading up to this. I've been set up. Well, I'll just have to spoil someone's little tea party."
Rich: "It'll be rough, quitting cold-turkey like that..."
Renee: "Pepsi and Butterfingers will keep me strong. And as for you...remember all those loans I floated you? I think I'll take my payment now, thanks, in cold steel and lead."
Rich: "But, but, but..."
Renee: (imperiously towering over Rich in maternal rage) "Ye-e-es?"
Rich: "Right. Gotcha. Here we go..."

cut away to next scene

Setting: inside a warehouse as before

V is standing before Matt, Nikki, and Marie, ranting and raving.

V: (hollering) "Why am I surrounded by imbeciles?"
Matt: "I dunno."

V smacks Matt.

V: "Shut up, you junkie!" (pauses) "Now I want to know why the Martincik hit failed. And this time, no blubbering!"
Matt: "Someone beat us to her. Word is that Jabba was behind it. I heard the cops talking about finding a Star Wars action figure on the scene. You know Jabba always leaves behind those toys as his calling card."
V: (fuming) "What is that bloated worm doing on my turf?"
Matt: "I dunno."

V smacks Matt.

V: "Now get out of here, all of you!"

The three hustle out quickly, leaving V behind in a rage.

Setting: busy Quincy Market in the afternoon

College dudes are plentiful, trolling for babes. Amongst this crowd lurks Larry with shades and a tailored suit. He studies the mob of frolicking youths, searching for the agent from Antwerp. Suddenly, Ben bumps into Larry. Ben is wearing Guess shorts, a Genera T-shirt, shades, a TCU baseball cap, and Reebok hightops.

Larry: "Pardon me."
Ben: "Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too."
Larry: "I dreamt a dream tonight."
Ben: "I'm Agent Cuffs."
Larry: "Agent Joker, now can we go somewhere and talk?"
Ben: "Right here is fine. We need to just mill around and not be conspicuous. So what've you got?"
Larry: "It appears that V attempted to murder Griffin."
Ben: "Who's Griffin?"
Larry: "No one important. But it appears that V is trying to get at Davenport. She is a department head at the BPL. I think it is a case of position envy or revenge."
Ben: "Have there been any other incidents?"
Larry: "From what I've picked up on, an acquaintance named Renee McArthur had her children kidnapped. It looks like a V job."
Ben: "Okay, I'll get started. Catch ya' later and be cool, homey!"

Ben disappears into the crowd.

cut away

Setting: low-income side of Boston, outside Body-Book Man's house

Dan's Tealmobile truck screeches to a halt as Lisa and Debbie, holding hands, emerge from the house.

Lisa: (face lights up) "Dan! You found me! What the hell took you so long?"

Lisa breaks away from Debbie and tries to embrace Dan, but he pushes past her to Debbie.

Dan: "Back off from my woman, strumpet!"
Debbie: "Your woman? Listen, wimp, I just saved your woman! So, kiss off!"

Debbie pulls out her gun but doesn't aim yet.

Dan: "I won't lose her to you, you blonde bimbo!"
Debbie: "Bimbo? That does it!"

Debbie points the gun at Dan. Dan outside-in crescent kicks the gun from Debbie's hand. The two go down in a hail of flying fists.

Lisa: "I'm leaving. I have a kidnapper to kill, not to mention his employer. That freak mentioned Jabba's name while he thought I was still unconscious." (gingerly rubs head) "Ow! Damn book! And that cursed tape ripped off all my liphair."

cut away

Setting: an uninhabited Greek island beach with a wild olive grove nearby

Stephannie, wearing a skimpy negliee, is standing over Warren, who is laying on the ground, bound and gagged. She has a wild-eyed look and a hint of drool on her chin. She's mumbling something about a dream she had in Hebrew. She straddles him, leaning over about to lick his face. At this point, a Humvee comes crashing out of the grove and stops near Stephannie and Warren.

Stephannie: (jumping up) "This wasn't in my dream."

Jabba steps out of the Humvee and approaches Stephannie. Rob and Torstan follow him.

Jabba: "Grab 'er, boys."

Rob and Torstan rush toward her. Stephannie stumbles back over Warren's body. Rob and Torstan grab her. She struggles but to no avail other than kicking sand in Warren's face. They bind her up and toss her into the back of the Humvee.

Jabba: (smiling, to Warren) "See ya' later, mate!" (laughs)

Warren muffles out a cry for help. Jabba walks over to Rob and Torstan.

Jabba: "I like dis one." (licks lips)

Rob and Torstan chuckle and snicker. Suddenly a beeping sound comes from the mobile phone in the Humvee. Jabba reaches in and answers it.

Jabba: "'Ello!"
Body-Book Man: (on phone) "Martincik got away."
Jabba: "Fool! Cantcha do nu'thin right?"
BB: "It ain't my fault. Some fed tracked me down."
Jabba: "Feds." (punches side of Humvee) "You idiot!"
BB: "Sorry, boss."
Jabba: "Get off da' line! Dallas, you're a dead man." (hangs up and jumps into Humvee)

Rob and Torstan get into the back of the Humvee with Stephannie. Rob fondles her hair. Torstan jabbers about his pet turtle. Jabba sees Rob's antics.

Jabba: "Stop that! She's mine." (giggles)

cut away

Setting: a street in downtown Boston

Renee is cruising furiously down the street. Body-Book Man is driving on a perpendicular street from Renee's. He is distracted by the earlier events. He misses a redlight and broadsides Renee's fire engine red 500 series BMW with a bumper sticker reading, "If you can read this, thank a teacher." Renee's life is saved by an airbag. Body-Book Man dazily steps out of his truck and is met by the hagly Mumbling Lady. She mumbles and slobbers and pulls a sawed-off shotgun out of her shopping bag.

Mumbling Lady: "Mmphl-flerp!"

Mumbling Lady pulls the trigger and sprays Body-Book Man's brains all over his Chevy Luv. She then slinks away into a back alley.

Seeing the bloody array, Renee steps on the gas pedal and screeches off with a stream of smoke now trailing her beemer. A moment after she leaves, a 4x4 black Mazda B2300 pickup truck with a rollbar, pink palm tree decals, and a bumper sticker reading, "In case of rapture: this vehicle will be unmanned" stops at the scene of the accident/murder. The stereo is blaring some sappy Air Supply song. Ben gets out of the truck and surveys the gorey mess. As police arrive , Ben slowly walks back to his truck and drives off in the direction that Renee had gone. As Ben is driving, he makes a call on his mobile phone.

Ben: "Joker, this is Cuffs. Looks like McArthur is heading west. She was hit by some guy. He was shot in the head by a shotgun. It smells of a V hit. What I can't figure out is why V would off an innocent bystander who hits McArthur's car?"
Larry: "I think I can help you on this one. From what I've uncovered, it looks like another organization beat V to the hit on Martincik. So, my guess is that the stiff is the other organization's operative."
Ben: "You mean V put a hit out on Lisa Martincik, the international judo master?"
Larry: "The same. I've been in contact with Agent Fran. She's tracking an international female cannibal."
Ben: "A what?"
Larry: "The guy eats women."
Ben: "Oh boy! So we're dealing with overlapping projects?"
Larry: "'Fraid so."
Ben: "This could get messy."
Larry: "You're telling me. I gotta go."
Ben: "Okay." (hangs up and continues pursuing Renee)

Ben stops when he sees Renee's beatup beemer parked outside of a Brownstone. He quickly gets out and steathily moves into the Brownstone through an open window.

cut to Lisa's living room inside Brownstone

Renee enters unannounced, much to the shock of Lisa, trimming her toenails. Renee stops at a pile of judo magazines, resting upon an endtable, and quickly organizes them by title and date. Having done this, she plops herself onto a chair opposite Lisa and begins a detailed account of the past two days. Lisa listens patiently, nodding occasionally as she diligently files her big toenail. Upon Renee finishing her story without losing her breath, Lisa slips on her socks and relates her adventures to Renee. Renee is surprised but takes the twist of events in stride. As they finish their "storytime" and begin making plans of retaliation, Lisa (with the aid of judo-honed senses) realizes that they are not alone. She does an arcing leap (off the couch, mind you), landing stealthily next to a giant fern plant and reveals Ben who was hiding behind it. She grabs him and performs a "tomoe nage" throw. Ben flies across the room and lands on his back at Renee's feet. Renee wallops him over the head with her shoe. Ben slips into oblivion. As he lies prone on the floor, Lisa and Renee continue their planning.

Lisa: "So what now?"
Renee: "First priority is to get back my suburban yuppy anklebiters."
Lisa: "So we follow up on your T-shirt lead?"
Renee: "Yes, which means we shall have to pay a visit to the Blue Oyster Bar."
Lisa: "What about fern flower here?"
Renee: (taking a closer look at Ben) "Hey, this is Ben. That guy who we used to work with."
Lisa: "What in the world was he doing in my fern?"
Renee: "Looking for aphids? Well, there's only one way to find out."

Renee pulls off her shoe and waves it under Ben's nose. He begins to come to, choking violently.

Ben: "Cough! What happened?" (looks at Renee and Lisa) "Oh, yeah."
Renee: "What are you doing here?"
Ben: (still dazed) "What?"
Lisa: "First off, why the hell are you in my Japanese fern? It's priceless. You could have bruised it!"
Ben: (rubs neck) "No matter that I am bruised all over."
Renee: (trying to calm things) "Okay, the fern wasn't damaged. So my question is why are you here?"
Ben: "No reason, just looking around. I always wanted to see a Japanese fern up close."
Lisa: "Give me a break! You were spying on us." (to Renee) "What if he's apart of the group that tried to nab me?"
Renee: (gives a snorting laugh) "I doubt Ben could do anything that grandiose."
Ben: "I'm not a spy for Jabba!"
Lisa: "How do you know that name? You were spying!"

Lisa raises her hand, preparing for a secret death maneuver (The Hand of Death).

Renee: (intervening) "Wait a minute, Lisa. Maybe he knows something, albeit not much."
Ben: "Thanks, I think. I can tell you this much. I am working for an organization that is trying to stop the evil Jabba and the people that are trying to destroy Renee's life."
Lisa: "What organization? FBI? CIA?"
Ben: "It's bigger than both but if I told you, I'd have to kill you both."
Lisa and Renee: (in unison) "Not!"
Ben: "Anyway, we need to get to the people behind your misery."
Renee: "Well, we were about to go to the Blue Oyster Bar to follow up a lead."
Ben: (makes an odd expression) "The where?"
Renee: "It's where Don Baier works. He has my spawn."
Ben: "Okay, we better get there before it's crowded."
Renee: "Speaking from personal experience?"
Lisa: "Alright, we'll go separately in case we're being watched and meet there."

All three leave in different directions.

Setting: CIA Headquarters somewhere in Montana

Debbie, Susan, Grace, Carla, and Henry sit at a large table. Ken is standing up.

Ken: "Now, Debbie, I still need your report on the mission you just completed."
Debbie: "Keep your pants on! I'll get it to you."
Ken: "Alright then, I have nothing else to say. So everyone, return to your quarters, except you, Debbie."

The group files out, while Debbie waits nervously behind.

Ken: "I don't like your attitude, and I definitely will not have an agent of mine backtalk me in front of other agents!"
Debbie: "Bite me, Brett, I mean, Ken!"

With that, Debbie leaves the room.

Setting: a low-class pawn shop in the seedy section of Boston

Janet is in the shop with Mary. Salami Man is behind the counter. There is a strong odor of Pepperoni and Oscar-Meyer hot dogs in the air.

Mary: (to Janet) "I think you should get that big one over there."

Mary indicates a Browning .50 caliber machine gun on the wall.

Janet: "I don't think I need a gun that big."
Mary: "You can never have enough firepower."
Janet: "No, I really like that one." (points to Ingram Model 10 submachine gun)
Salami Man: (takes gun down) "She's a beaut, all right. One of the finest automatic weapons I carry."
Janet: "I like it. How much is it?"
Salami Man: "For an attractive lady like yourself, 700 bucks up front or 1000 on my credit plan."
Janet: "Wow! That's a bit much."
Mary: "But isn't 700 dollars worth your safety and peace of mind."
Janet: (gravelly) "Hmmm. Well, okay. Is a check okay?"
Salami Man: "Yes, but I'll need to see two pieces of identification. Make it out to C-A-S-H."
Janet: "Alright."

Janet fills out the check and hands it to Salami Man. She then rummages through her purse for her wallet.

Janet: "Here's my driver's license and my Blue Oyster Bar credit card."
Mary: "Where do you get one of those?"
Janet: "Well, you have to spend a minimum of 300 dollars a month to qualify. Maybe I can put a good word in for you."
Salami Man: "Everything looks current. Okay, here you go. And here is a complimentary round of ammunition. have a good day, ladies, and enjoy!"

Janet and Mary leave the pawn shop and get into an old brown Datsun, with the bumper sticker, "Have you hugged your cat today?"

As they pull up to a stop light, a beat-up maroon van with an OPL insignia on the side pulls up next to them. Mary recognizes the driver (Matt) as the one who broke into her apartment the other night.

Mary: (leaning over to Janet) "That's the guy who broke into my place."
Janet: "Are you sure?"
Mary: "Positive. Let's follow him."
Janet: "Okay. Maybe I'll get to test my new toy."

They follow Matt to the now-infamous warehouse meeting place of V. They stop about a block away and watch Matt enter. Janet gets out her gun and loads it. She then stealthily slinks out of the car and proceeds toward the door Matt entered. Mary follows. Janet eyes the van.

Janet: "Better check out the van. I'll cover the door."
Mary: (peeking into van) "It's full of plastic gray boxes full of library books."
Janet: "Probably belongs to the same library that this van came from." (points to the "Omaha Public Library" stenciled on the side of the van)

A city bus stops at the corner of the street. Marie steps off it. Seeing Janet and Mary, she ducks behind a nearby dumpster, Marie pulls out a snubnose pistol. She aims at Janet and fires, missing her completely (much to Marie's surprise, considering the easy target Janet makes). Janet quickly responds by spraying the dumpster with lead. Mary presses herself against the van. Janet runs and leaps behind a mailbox, edging closer to the dumpster. Marie lets off another shot, pegging the Postal Office eagle emblem in the head. Janet then charges the dumpster, laying down a wall of bullets. Marie panics and runs for it. She doesn't escape the barrage. Marie dances a bullet-ridden dance of death, tattooing the sidewalk with her vital organs. Janet rushes back to Mary.

Janet: I bet they know we're here now. We better act quickly."

Janet kicks the door open and creeps over to the bottom of a stairwell. Sounds of scuffling feet can be heard from above. With gun ready, Janet climbs the stairs, with Mary slowly following. They reach the top of the stairs, facing a closed door. Silence now hangs in the air. Janet pushes the door open and peeks inside. An empty room stretches out before her, interrupted only by massive concrete columns at regular intervals.

cut to next scene

Setting: outside the Blue Oyster Bar

A curious odor lingers in the evening air just outside the entrance of the Blue Oyster Bar which is guarded by Chuck, the bouncer. Lisa, Renee, and Ben push past him and enter the hot and steamy room, crowded with people and loud, obnoxious music. As Renee and Lisa try to blend in, Ben moves through the dance floor to the bar counter. Paul Newell, the bartender, is busy mixing drinks when Ben arrives.

Ben: (to Paul) "Hey, when's Donny up?"
Bob: (sitting at counter) "Oh, he's the opening act, don't you know."

Bob winks at Ben, which causes Ben to quickly leave the counter and head back to Lisa and Renee.

Ben: "He's up first."
Lisa: "Which is when?"
Ben: "Soon, I hope. I think the guy at the counter has a thing for me."
Renee: "Sounds good. As soon as he's up, we'll head back to his dressing room. Hopefully, in all the excitement, we won't be noticed."

Suddenly, loud banging music begin and the lights begin flashing.

Announcer: "Now, the moment you've all been waiting for... Here's Don 'the Grizzly' Baier!"
Ben: "That's our cue."

The three circumnavigate the crowd, heading for the door marked, "Dancers Only." Fortunately, the attraction of the bar's star stripper allows the three to slip quietly in and hide in Don's dressing room. Renee begins frantically arranging the makeup and brushes on Don's dresser when she discovers a key to a U-Store-It garage.

Renee: "Aha!"
Lisa: "Whatcha got?"
Renee: "A key to a storage garage."
Ben: "So?"
Renee: "Sah!"
Lisa: "I bet that's where your kids, I mean spawn, are!"
Renee: "Exactly!"
Ben: "Oh!"

They quickly exit the dressing room and run face-to-face into Don Baier, wearing only a G-string, with several dollar bills and a Discover card tucked under the strap.

Don: "Hey! What ya'll doin' in there?"
Ben: "We're big fans of yours!"
Don: "Really?" (a goofy smile crosses face)
Renee: "Not!" (slugs Don with shoe, knocking him unconscious)
Lisa: "Let's get out of here!"

Ben, Lisa, and Renee rush out the back door into a deserted alley.

cut away to next scene

Setting: back at the warehouse

Janet and Mary enter the seemingly empty room. Suddenly, Matt leaps out from behind a nearby column, grabbing Mary and pointing a Smith & Wesson Stainless Steel M67 at her head.

Matt: "Back off, Janet!"
Janet: "Let her go!"
Matt: "Drop the gun first!"

Janet begins to lower her gun. Mary shrieks and faints. The shift in weight knocks Matt backwards. Janet takes the opportunity to fire a single bullet through Matt's skull, killing him instantly. Upon this, Nikki screams and comes out from her hiding place behind another column, wielding a Thompson M9128A1. She squeezes off a few rounds. Janet barely escapes the hail of bullets, darting behind a column. Fortunately for Mary, her unconscious form lies sprawled on the floor, out of harm's way. Janet and Nikki are at a standstill. Suddenly, through the series of large windows lining one of the walls, several military-style commandos come crashing into the room, supported by nylon ropes attached to the roof. They fire their M16s, catching Nikki in the chest and head, causing her vital fluids and organs to cascade out onto the floor. Janet looks bewildered at the mess. Then behind her, Margaret appears, dressed in green camouflage fatigues.

Margaret: "Hello, Janet."
Janet: "Margaret?"
Margaret: "Yes, it is I, Margaret the Merciless! No longer am I a library flunky. Now I am a rich and eccentric swashbuckling survivalist commando leader!"
Janet: "And who are these gentlemen?" (eyeing them favorably)
Margaret: "These are my Marauding Eunuchs! They have forever sworn their loyalty to me."
Janet: "Oh."
Margaret: "Now, you must go out and catch V before she escapes. My eunuchs will attend to Mary."

Janet grabs Nikki's Tommy gun and slings it over her shoulder. She then races for the door that leads to the roof. Upon reaching the roof, she is greeted by sniper fire. She takes a hit to the leg. She crawls to a large air vent.

V: (from across roof) "You'll never catch me, Janet!"
Janet: "Yeah? Well, good must triumph over evil!"

A few more shots ring out. Janet props herself up and returns fire. She discovers that she has no more bullets in her gun. She drops it and takes hold of the Tommy gun.

Janet: "I'm out of ammo. You'll have to kill me now!"

V shows herself, mumbling and shuffles closer. Janet pushes herself up and shreds V into dog-meat.

Setting: a U-Store-It garage complex

Ben, Lisa, and Renee are diligently searching the lot, looking for Personal Storage Unit #666. Renee finds it, letting out a dull groan. Ben and Lisa join her. They open the garage and discover seven children huddled inside. Renee excitedly runs to them and arranges them in order of age and height. She then commences to hug and kiss each one in chronological order. Ben and Lisa watch quietly.

Renee: "My spawn! Oh how I've missed you."
Allison: "Renee!"
Andrew: "Sup! Who're those clowns?"
Rebecca: "Mother!"
Kathleen: "Hi, mom!"
Michael: "Where's dad?"
Marisol: "I want to go home!"
James: "Mama!"

Lisa wipes tears from her eyes.

Ben: "Boy, what a brood!"

cut to next scene

Setting: Logic Limited Headquarters in Antwerp

Lisa H. is sitting before a complex communications console with a headset on. Several lights are blinking on the panels. She is listening intently to something. She then turns to a man seated behind her in the shadows. His face is hidden.

Lisa H.: "Sir, Boston reports that V has been neutralized. Agent Joker is awaiting reassignment. Agent Cuffs reports that there is a connection between his assignment and Agent Fran's. He requests permission to be reassigned to Operation Skywalker."
Bill: "Hmmm...It is excellent to hear of the mission's success. Alert Agent Cuffs that his request is granted. He is to report to Hoboken to be briefed. Inform Agent Joker that he is to be placed on standby."
Lisa H.: "Yes, sir."

Lisa H. returns to her console and begins typing on the keyboard.

Setting: living room of Renee's house

Renee and her children are scattered throughout the room in a variety of seats and positions. They are engrossed in a "Simpsons meet Tom Brokaw" made-for-TV movie.

(on TV)
Bart: "Hey, Tom, so like uh...can I anchor the news with ya'? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh?"
Tom: "I'm sorry, Bart, but I..." (show interrupted by the real Tom Brokaw)
Real Tom: "This just in. Several candidates for Miss Universe have just been kidnapped. We go live to Connie Chung in Johannesburg."
Connie: "The details are sketchy, but it appears that some bizarre terrorists have broken into the Miss Universe dressing rooms and kidnapped several of the women. I'm here with Dick Clark, the host of the pageant. Dick, can you tell us what happened?"
Dick: "Yes, about 30 minutes ago I was taping the talent part of the pageant when I heard an explosion and screams coming from the dressing rooms."
Connie: "Was anyone hurt?"
Dick: "No."
Connie: "We've just discovered that one of the camera persons filmed one of the terrorists. Here it is."

A black and white shot appears of Torsten running around with a bathroom towel tied to his head and a striped tie. He is chasing Miss Easter Island across a hallway and out of the sight of the camera.

Connie: "Well, that is all we have so far. This is Connie Chung reporting live from Johannesburg."
Real Tom: "And this is Tom Brokaw from the NBC News Desk. We will keep you posted as details arise. Now back to the show already in progress."

The screen cuts back to the Simpsons, but only the credits are left to see.

Renee: "Who the hell cares about those bikini-clad wenches! I wanted to watch Simpsons!"
Children: "Yeah!"
Michael S.: (from other room) "What's that, dear?"
Renee: "Nothing! Go back to whatever it is you do."
Michael S.: "Okay, honey-cakes."

cut to next scene

Setting: Ken's office somewhere in Montana

Ken is sitting at his desk, across from Debbie. A file folder is open on the desk. Pictures of Star Wars action figures are scattered around.

Ken: "According to our sources in Johannesburg, a Star Wars action figure was found at the scene of the Miss Universe kidnapping."
Debbie: "That means it's Jabba, right?"
Ken: "Correct."
Debbie: "Good. I get these things confused sometimes."
Ken: "According to the South African Air Force, their radar picked up a UFO heading north approximately 20 minutes after the incident. I suspect it was Jabba in his Millennium Albatross."
Debbie: "So, where do I fit in?"
Ken: (voice steadily growing louder) "Well, since you've worked on the case, maybe...just maybe, you should be the one to look into this!"
Debbie: (rolls eyes) "Like you don't have to yell. When do I go?"
Ken: (hands her a plane ticket) "Your plane for Africa leaves in five minutes."

Debbie, cursing all the while, jumps up and rushes out the door. Ken stands there, laughing.

Setting: a private jet, cruising at some breath-taking altitude

Ben, Fran, Lisa, and Renee are the only occupants in the posh passenger section of the jet. Claude is the hot-shot pilot in the cockpit.

Ben: "The only reason I brought you two," (indicating Lisa and Renee) "is because you helped me on the previous mission."
Renee: "Well, I can only stay for a short time because I have a roast in the oven."
Lisa: "I thought you couldn't cook?"
Renee: "Only when I'm doped on Barbitol."
Lisa: "Oh."
Fran: "Well, if the chief knew about this, he'd have your head and grind it into..."
Ben: "Okay, okay, I get the picture. but he won't find out because you won't tell him."
Fran: "Watch me."
Ben: (changing the subject) "We better have a plan. Lisa, can you do that Spock nerve thing?"
Lisa: "Sure. Wanna see?"
Ben: "No thanks. Maybe you could do the guards at Jabba's fortress."
Fran: "Do you know where it's at?"
Ben: "I've got a clue."
Lisa, Fran, and Renee: "Well?"
Ben: "The Star Wars action figures used were Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and C-3PO. So the only time those four were together alone was in the Empire Strikes Back. Now we know that Jabba is based in Africa. So the only empire to exist officially in recent years was the Central African Empire." (pulls out map and spreads it on the floor)
Fran: (desperately) "We're lost!"
Renee: "Smooth logic, Ben, but where in modern-day Central African Republic are we going to find Jabba?"

Ben shrugs his shoulders.

Claude: (over intercom) "Attention all passengers, we are now circling over the estimated area of arrival of the alleged plane flown by Jabba. My scanners are now searching for possible landing strips, fields, etc. It's a balmy 87 degrees out right now. I would like to thank all of you for flying Van Dammit Airlines."
Ben: "Well, hopefully Agent Van Dammit will find the fortress."

The jet gives a sudden lurch. Its passengers, engaged in an impromptu game of Twister on the large map of Africa, tumble headlong into the cockpit. All, that is, except for Lisa, who leaps nimbly aside only to smack her head on a desk lamp.

All: "Ow!"
Ben: "Renee! Your shoe is in my face!"
Fran: "What the hell?"
Lisa: "This is an excellent argument for always wearing seatbelts..."
Claude: "Sorry, folks. Thanks to my matchless skills, most of the bullets missed us, but we're not going to be able to stay aloft much longer. I guess we don't need to look any farther for Jabba. Hang tight, kids."
Renee: "Dinner will be ruined!"
Lisa: "Ben's out cold. Again."
Fran: (calmly) "Claude, where are the parachutes?"
Claude: "Oh, we took those out to make room for the jacuzzi."
All (except Ben): "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

black out scene

Setting: the jungle floor of darkest Africa

It is all dark except for several pairs of white eyes.

Someone rummages about and is able to open the jet door, allowing light to flood in at this point. The group of Renee, Lisa, Ben, Fran, and Claude climbs out of the wreckage unscathed and with everyone's hair in place.

Renee: "Where are we now?"
Claude: (taps small, calculator-like device) "We are 8 degrees, 16 minutes, 32 seconds north and 23 degrees, 10 minutes, 41 seconds east."
Renee: "Oh."
Fran: "In English, please?"
Lisa: "He means we are in the middle of nowhere."
Ben: I have a nasty headache."

Suddenly, Debbie comes crashing through the underbrush in a new Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited 4x4, painted deep forest green with gold highlights and tinted windows and sporting a bumper sticker that reads, "Nobody bangs on my bongos!"

Ben, Fran, and Claude whip out a small arsenal of illegal-in the-U.S. firearms and train their sights on the Jeep. Renee pulls off her shoe in a defensive gesture and Lisa assumes a secret death-dealing Karate position, but upon recognizing the driver, emits a sappy coo and rushes toward the Jeep.

Lisa: "It's alright, everyone! It's only the woman who saved my life."
Everyone else: (disappointedly) "Oh."

The group returns their weapons and clothing to their proper places.

Debbie pops joyfully out of the Jeep, hugs Lisa, and greets everyone in a putridly perky manner. Renee, noticing the carphone antenna, steps over to Debbie.

Renee: "May I use your phone? I need to phone home."
Debbie: "Sure, the U.S. taxpayers are footing the bill."

Renee proceeds to call home and gives her husband explicit instructions on how to take the roast out of the oven and feed the children their dinner.

Suddenly, Debbie gets a glazed look on her face. She begins to walk woodenly off into the jungle. Lisa chases after her.

Fran: "I smell Polo."
Claude: "Me, too."
Ben: "Claude, Fran, you two stay here and guard the Jeep and the jet, or whatever's left of the jet. Renee, come with me. Lisa and Debbie could be heading into a trap."

Renee and Ben charge into the thick vegetation after Lisa and Debbie.

About a quarter mile away, Renee and Ben happen upon a clearing. Debbie and Lisa are there, examining a large bottle of Polo with a tag attached, reading, "Smell me." Entranced by the fragrance, Debbie and Lisa slowly lose consciousness and lightly drop to the ground. Renee and Ben rush over to them, only to be immediately surrounded by a group of bikini-clad women in a zombie-like state. Rob and Torsten stand with them, wielding M-16s.

Rob: "Okay, party's over. Jabba wants to see you all."
Ben: "What did you do to them?"
Rob: (laughs) "They were knocked out by Jabba's special cologne. How come the stuff doesn't affect you two?"
Renee: "Sinus infection."
Ben: "I have lost all sense of smell since receiving repeated doses of Renee's foot odor. Thus I am immune to all lesser forms of intoxicants."
Rob: "Very well. Ladies, grab the two on the ground and escort our other two guests to the base."

The zombie babes obey.

Meanwhile, back at the Jeep, Fran and Claude grow restless.

Fran: "They should be back by now."
Claude: "Yes."

Claude rummages through a knapsack that he brought along. He pulls out an instrument that looks like a ruler with lights.

Claude: "I have a device that can track them."
Fran: "Great! Let's take the Jeep."

They jump into the Jeep and rumble off into the jungle.

Setting: a funky-smelling prison cell in Jabba's fortress

Debbie and Lisa painfully regain consciousness as they are hurled into a small prison cell, already occupied by Renee.

Debbie: "Where are we?"
Renee: "We're in Jabba's fortress."
Lisa: "Ooo! Icky! There are cockroaches in here!"

Renee spies a cockroach and mercilessly crushes it with her heel.

Lisa: "Where's Ben?"
Renee: "I'm not sure. Jabba's henchwomen took him somewhere else."
Debbie: "I don't like the feeling of this."
Lisa: "How are we going to get out of here?"
Renee: "I've already tried to melt the lock with my foot odor and my Avon lock de-icer, but it is made of adamantium, which is nigh invincible, so it didn't work."
Lisa: "Hmmmm..."
Debbie: "Wait a minute, I almost forgot!"

Debbie grabs her left ring finger, pulls, and twists it off. Lisa and Renee gasp in horror.

Debbie: "Well, I figured I'd never get married so I didn't need it. So I had the CIA install a tool kit in my finger instead."
Lisa: "Ugh!"
Renee: "That's disgusting."
Debbie: (pulling out a lock-picking device) "Well, life sucks, and then you die!"

Debbie deftly unlocks the door. She then quickly reinstalls her finger. Lisa pokes her head out the door and scans the corridor outside.

Lisa: "All clear. Let's go!"

cut to next scene

Setting: a interrogation room somewhere in Jabba's fortress

Ben is tied to a chair, blindfolded. Jabba stands before him with Rob and Torsten flanking him.

Ben: (sniffing) "Why Jabba, what an incredible new smell you've discovered!"
Jabba: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You don't scare me with your sorcerer's ways!"
Torsten: "If you're not planning to kill him, I was beginning to like him!"
Jabba: "Silence!" (moves closer to Ben) "I want to know who you're working for!"
Ben: (chuckles) "You know, that is such an old cliche, even for you, Jabba."
Jabba: "I grow weary of asking."
Ben: "Let go with your feelings."

Jabba smacks Ben. Ben spits a bloody wad of snot in Jabba's face.

Rob: (snears) "Let us kill him!"
Torsten: "But I want him first!"

Ben's face turns white.

Ben: "Jabba, please kill me! I don't want to be his love pet!"
Jabba: (smacks Ben) "Get a hold of yourself, man! I may be twisted, but I'm not that cruel."
Ben: "Thank you! Now if you let the women go, I'll tell you who I'm working for."
Jabba: "Ha! It's too late. Those ladies have already betrayed your identity! They're working for me now!"
Ben: "No-o-o-o!"

Rob clubs Ben, knocking him unconscious.

Setting: a corridor somewhere in Jabba's fortress

Lisa, Debbie, and Renee sneak along the corridor.

Debbie: "Shhhh! I think I hear voices up ahead."
Lisa: (using her keen sense of hearing) "It sounds like Ben and Jabba."
Renee: "Okay, we'll need a plan."
Debbie: "Ambush their slimey asses!"
Lisa: "Oh Debbie! You're so vicious."

After whispering with each other, the three women creep along the corridor up to the chamber where Jabba's interrogation of Ben has been taking place. Lisa tiptoes in behind Jabba stealthily. Using her Spock nerve hold, she takes out Torsten. At this point, Renee and Debbie charge into the room and tackle Rob, who goes down in a squeal of glee. Renee quickly dispatches him with a shot of her foot odor, sending Rob into dreamland with a smile on his face. Jabba makes a break for the door, but Lisa's flying kick of extreme pain puts an end to his thoughts of escape. Debbie unties Ben.

Ben: "Well, it's about time!"
Renee, Lisa, and Debbie: "Shut up!"
Ben: "Okay."

Claude and Fran come crashing in through the wall in Debbie's Jeep, with the bumper sticker, "Don't laugh, you're paying for it!"

Debbie: (screams) "What have you done to my Jeep?"
Claude: "Sorry, I got a little carried away with this rescue thing."
Debbie: "Men! Oh well, it's the taxpayers who will suffer, not me."
Ben: (to Claude and Fran) "You two can take Jabba back to headquarters for questioning."
Debbie: "Like hell they are! He's coming with me. I'll get a nice bonus for turning him in. And if you don't like it, bite me!"
Renee: "If we hurry back, we can still catch China Beach!"
Debbie: "And Days of Our Lives!"
Lisa: "And the Japanese Animation Festival!"
Ben: "And Young Indiana Jones!"
Stepanie T.: (chained to wall) "Aren't you guys going to rescue all of us prisoners?"
Debbie: "And miss our TV shows?"
Ben: "Let's get Claude and Fran! They will do it! They'll do anything!"

Claude shrugs his shoulders and Fran grumbles but they do it because Ben outranks them. The rest hijack a plane back to the states. Debbie stuffs Jabba in a suitcase and he rides with the baggage back to face 30 years of hard time. A bumper sticker on the suitcase reads, "15 will get you 30!"

The End

written by Ben Brick, Lisa Martinicik, and Renee McArthur