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It`s worth it
I have been fortunate to have been
blessed
with the gift of recovery through
practicing
the Twelve Steps of Narcotics
Anonymous.
The treatment center I attended taught
us of
the 12 steps of AA and at first I
substituted
drugs for alcohol and worked the first
step
as though my powerlessness was confined
to my
drug use. After considerable difficulty
in
early recovery I purchased a copy of the
Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous and
read
How It Works as though my life depended
on it
, as well it did. In Narcotics Anonymous
we
learn that our powerless is over our
disease
and that our drug use is only a symptom
of
the disease. Powerless over addiction
means
to me that I am powerless not only over
drug
use , but over the disease as well. The
Basic
Text states that "addiction is a
physical ,
mental and spiritual disease that
affects
every area of our lives." When I accept
that
i am an addict I need to look at how my
disease has affected every area of
my life
and how the addiction I suffered from
for so
long has made my life unmanagable. For
quite
some time I continued to obsess over
drugs
and one day a member pointed out to me
that
perhaps I could benifit from working
step 2.
The Basic text states that " the most
obvious
insanity of the disease of adiction is
the
obsession to use drugs." By believing
that a
Power greater than myself could restore
me to
sanity I have found freedom from the
obsession to use drugs. In Step 3 I made
a
decision to turn my will and my life
over to
the care of God as I undestand him. In
doing
so I am relieved of the self-will that
ruled
my life for so long. No longer do I have
to
act on impulse and create problems in
every
area of my life. When I am living in
God`s
Will for me I can no longer justify nor
can I
rationalize that first drug. Step 4 is
where
I took a look at the patterns of
behavior I
had lived in , both good and bad. A
searching
and fearless moral inventory of myself
was
necesary for me in order to understand
the
behavior patterns born of my addiction.
A
fifth step was the key to freedom for me
in
that I was able to look at not only
what
I did wrong in my life , but also
the
nature of my wrongs , that
being the
underlying reasons I did those things.
That
opened the door for step 6. The fifth
step
left me with an impressive list of
character
defects to work on , the most glaring
being
self-centeredness. By seeing the
destructive
nature of my character defects I was
able to
become entirely ready to let God remove
them
from me. In order to do so I had to
humbly
ask Him to remove my shortcomings. Left
to my
own devices I do not have the power to
change
my nature , but when I humbly ask God ,
He
gives me the courage and the strength to
change my actions . To me ,
shortcomings are merely chracter defects
in
action and our actions are what people
see.
Having learned of my destructive
patterns of
behavior through the 4th step it was
necesary
for me to make a list of all people I
had
harmed and become willing to make amends
to
them all. This step does not ask us to
make
ammends , only to become willing to do
so.
Whenever I balk at this I need to refer
to
the preceeding steps and remember why it
is
that I am doing this. The third step
always
helps me to stay focused on the solution
as I
believe it is God`s Will for me to
recover and to carry my message.
At this point it was time for me to
make some amends. Many of of the people
whom I had harmed throughout my active
addiction lived in other cities or
unknown places so direct amends were not
always possible. For these situations I
did what I call indirect amends. Things
like scoop the elderly lady next door`s
walk when it snowed or give a stranded
motorist a ride. Just little things like
that but they helped me to feel better
about myself. Often when trying to make
amends to people I had to realize that
it was my duty to take responsibility
for my actions and that others might not
accept my amends. The most difficult
amends I had to make was to my parents.
It was important for me to remember that
the meaning of the word amend is to
change so even though an apology
was necessary , the focal point of my
ammends was to show my
family that I
had changed for the better. The time
when I made my amends to my mother was
the last time I saw her alive. Imagine
if you can the guilt I would have
carried to this day if I had not
completed this step with her. The
shameful part of it is that at the time
I had been clean for about 4 1/2 years.
As I continue to take personal
inventory I am freed to admit when I am
wrong without having to wait an
inappropriate amount of time. The tenth
step frees me to live in today.
The eleventh step teaches me to
pray only for knowledge of God`s Will
for me and the power to carry it out. In
meditation I listen for his answers ,
usually my conscience telling me what is
the "right path" to follow.
The
twelfth step tells me to practice these
principals in all my affairs
meaning to me that these spiritual
principals will help me live life on
life`s terms no matter what is going on
in my life. Finally I am taught to carry
the message to those who are willing to
learn from my experience , strength ,
and hope. This has been my experience ,
my strength comes from God and other
people in recovery , and my hope is that
no addict seeking recovery need ever die
without the oppurtunity to find a better
way of life.
So how many times should I work these
steps ?
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