Disclaimer: I did not invent these characters or their setting. Everything in this story belongs to J.K. Rowling. (To whom I apologize profusely)
Note: The reincarnation of ‘The Perfect Drug’, since I rushed it terribly…my hope is that this will be a bit better ^^;
* * * *
Oh Darling, you are too
perfect. Those smooth, creamy
hands, with their blue nail polish…I want to take their softness in mine,
and break it, break those long graceful fingers of yours. Burn them. See your green eyes turn moist and shine with
tears…Forgive, forgive me, Darling…But the silence after your
screams would be most sacred to me…
“Severus, how much of the potion are we going to need to pass?” Asked a seventeen-year old Lucius Malfoy pensively.
Severus stared hopelessly across the Great Hall towards Gryffindor table; he had been expecting this for a while now: Their potions assignment was to create a properly functioning polyjuice potion, and the projects would be due soon.
“Hello? You in there?” Lucius waved his hand obnoxiously in front of Severus’s blank gaze. Severus was not a morning person.
Irritated, he turned his attention to Lucius.
“What if I tell you I can’t spare any?” He poked at his breakfast, annoyed with himself for always doing other peoples homework. But then again, what exactly did academic ethics surmount to in the end anyway? No power or friends, that what.
“Oh come on, man! I always pay you the best! I just need enough for one dose; can’t you spare a little? Please, I was doing everything like a good little boy until last night…and that-- that’s record, as you know,” he added righteously.
Severus rolled his eyes. “You snuck out last night and went on a date with that slut. You could have stayed in and saved yourself a lot of money.”
“Ah…but money is something I have a lot of! Nice to see we’re getting somewhere!” exclaimed Lucius with an over-bright smile as he draped an arm over Severus’s shoulder.
Severus made a face and removed the arm.
“Hey, loosen up, you’re not going to get any ladies if you’re stiff like a corpse all the time.” Lucius looked hard at Severus, a new expression crossed his face. “Say…when was the last time you had a date?”
“Does it matter? Is my answer going to change the course of your life? Why are you suddenly scrutinizing me about girls?” Severus demanded, a touch too abruptly. He glared at Lucius. Lucius laughed.
He licked his lips and asked: “But do you like anyone?”
Severus bowed his head; “you see the red head over there? In Gryffindor?” He muttered through his teeth.
Lucius scanned the table. “Wh—do you mean Lily Evans?”
Severus nodded quickly, his face turned scarlet. The first time she’d caught him staring she’d burst out laughing and refused to tell anyone why.
Oh! How unspeakably funny, Severus Snape likes you. Hah…hah.
The truth was, he didn’t like her. He hated her: She was one of those people who didn’t seem real. There was a sort of eerie contentment about her that put his nerves on end. The way she walked: softly, gracefully, as if on water.
Holy water, Darling—it won’t work on me…
“Damn it! He’s staring at you again!” whispered Monica loudly, snickering through her nose on the other side of the room. Lily smiled tiredly.
“I know, I know…I hope for his sake he gets over this soon.”
“His sake? What about your sake? Suppose he actually asks you out!” Monica covered her mouth and nose to prevent more laughter from escaping.
Lily smirked sharply, “oh come now, do you honestly think he would? …Look at me—now at him.”
A hiccup of air hissed out from behind Monica’s tightly clapped hand. “Ah…well, he’s looking at you!”
Lily primly pushed some stray hair behind her left ear, and looked mischievously over at Severus. He was no longer staring. “I’m going to ask him out,” she said. Monica gagged.
Later that same day, after classes, Severus was alone in the library, when he heard quiet footsteps approaching. Someone was humming.
“Hey Stranger,” purred a voice behind him. Hastily, he jammed the copy of ‘Nosferatu’ he was reading back into the shelf and turned to face the speaker.
“Lily?”
“What were you looking at?” she asked innocently, searching the shelves in front of him.
“Ehhh…. never mind,” he said, peering around; trying to see what Lily was doing there.
“I saw you looking at me this morning,” she told him, stepping nearer.
“I was not.”
Lily grinned, as though something about this was too funny for her, “yeah, you were.”
“Why would I be? You’re annoying.”
Lilly tilted her head and twisted a tendril of hair coquettishly around her index finger. “But I’m pretty.”
“And so modest. What do you want, Evans?”
“You’re failing Charms, Severus. How about I give you a little lesson?”
His jaw dropped. “You’re kidding right? This is joke.” The corner of Lily’s mouth quirked,
“I don’t want you to fail Charms! That’s an awful thing to say.”
“Oh my God!” Severus breathed, backing away.
“You know, you’re almost cute when you look dumbfounded.”
“Shut-up!” He cried, blushing madly.
“So, how about nine…tonight?”
He his heart was suddenly beating very quickly. Thump! Thump! Thump! He swallowed and nodded, wordless. What about James? Lily smiled her sharp smile, and waved as she vanished behind a maze of bookshelves. That elegant hand of hers would never be the same if it got broken. Severus let all his breath out in one shivering sigh.
She was teasing him. How cruel—and he’d barely spoken two words to her in nearly seven years. Now she would probably get James Potter in on it, and humiliate him beyond his worst nightmare. And yet, he felt his anxieties dissipating. He really didn’t care: He’d sneered at so many other cases of broken hearts, prided himself on caring nothing for anyone but himself, and now, it was his turn to be reduced to an idiot.
So be it. Agony was just part of the package, what more could someone like him hope for in love? (And what did ‘love’ mean anyway?) Severus began to pace, and slowly, carefully, began to paint himself into a masterpiece of delusion.
Do you think me paralyzed? Think me untouched by Prometheus? Careful Darling, careful, you’ve already lit a flame that wants to burn you.
* * * *
It was not a dark night. The moon was waxing and half full, the stars were bright and clouds thin. In the middle of the Hogwarts quidditch field, lay two people: One with long ringlets the colour of blood, and the other with black hair that needed washing.
“That’s mine, right there,” said the former, pointing to Capricorn in the sky. “Where’s yours?”
Her company shrugged. “I don’t know…I don’t think you can see it right now…I dropped divination years ago.”
“Aw, you’re no fun…divination is a bird coarse, everyone knows that.”
“I know, and I couldn’t even fill the minimum requirement.”
“What would that be?”
“Staying awake.”
The two laughed and threw grass at each other over some small joke. Then one suddenly stopped, and looked up into the night. “What’s the matter?” Asked the other, sobering abruptly.
“Nevermind, I forgot.”
Forgot nothing, Darling.
Soon, the couple parted, “can I see you again?” called Severus after Lily’s retreating back.
“Yeah, okay…how’s the night after tomorrow’s?” she replied, waving goodbye in the moonlight.
Back in his dorm bed, Severus was filled with a sort of melancholy. A helpless feeling, that he couldn’t put his finger on. If he’d known the name, he might have felt better. But slowly, that emotion was replaced with another: fear.
He tossed and
turned in his bed. Shafts of
moonlight fell on the floor, barring him from sleep. Insomnia. Things
prickled down his spine and shoulders, on his legs and over the backs of his
hands. Several times a night he
threw off his tangled covers, just to make sure there really was nothing
crawling on him.
* * * *
The next day started nicely: with a dark blue sky, bright sunshine, and the slightly buzzed feeling that came from having a first date. Lucious even gave him a little something of a down payment on the polyjuice potion.
Severus daydreamed his way through classes, thinking about Lily in the moonlight, with her sweet smelling hair running through his fingers.
In his notebook he doodled the electric chair. Muggle capital punishment was quite fascinating, really. He wondered what Lily would look like, sitting on that chair, with its metal cap on her head. Just before the electrical currents made her jolt, and jolt, and jolt…
I’ll see you go up in smoke… See that insufferable perfection of yours melt, just come a little closer.
It wasn’t until after classes though, when Severus was starting to feel unbearably smug, that he heard two familiar voices, talking quietly:
“I love you,” said one.
Love? Severus smirked and continued listening from behind a corner; this should be good.
“Do you? You told me that before, I don’t know if you mean it.”
“I do. I would rather die than loose you.”
A short laugh, “do you have any idea how corny that sounds, James?”
“Yeah…forgive me…but you want corny? I memorized some Shakespeare for you!”
“Ohh, you did?” a mixture of sarcasm and genuine emotion. “What?”
“One of Hamlet’s speeches.”
“Why?” The voice carried a wrinkle of confusion and disappointment.
“Kidding!” Said James brightly, “one of his sonnets.”
“Alright…let’s hear it.”
“Ahem,” he started with dramatic flair,
“Let me
not to the marriage of true minds
Admit
impediments. Love is not love
Which alters
when it alteration finds
Or bends with
the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark that…that—er …”
Severus heard the sound of paper being unfolded. James continued with more confidence, and less drama.
“That
looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star
to every wand’ring bark
Whose
worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s
not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his
bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not
with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out, even to the edge of doom…” James broke off. There was a warm silence, a warm kiss. Love? He’s talking to her about love, how dare he! Another kiss. Severus turned the corner and walked right past them, not even glancing at the interlocked pair. Lily screamed.
That night,
Severus lay in bed, eyes open, stiff with mortal fear. He kept hearing
Lily’s scream. Was she
scared of him? You idiot. He thought,
and squeezed his eyes shut—started doing times tables.
17x2=34
17x3=51 17x4=68 17x5=85…
It got very dark in that room. And quiet, he couldn’t
hear people breathing...Severus wondered if Someone hadn’t quietly
suffocated all the others. And he
wondered if they were now standing over his bed, just waiting to kill him
too. He didn’t move. The air was hot and static. He forced himself to breathe quietly
and slowly. Kept his eyes closed
tight. The sheets clung to him,
hot and itchy, while his feet in contrast, were freezing. He lay like that for hours, waiting for
sleep, burning.
Love alters not
with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out, even to the edge of doom…
Most of the next day, Severus spent trying to avoid the two ‘lovers’… and then he remembered he had to see Lily. At first he decided not to go, after all, she was probably going to stand him up. But, gradually, the desire to see her overrode all his other senses of the situation, and he showed up:
“Severus…about yesterday, well…” Lily began, looking lovely and slightly nervous.
“Well, what?”
“Look…I think I love him…we’re going to be serious, you know, and give it a try, he says he’s going to surprise me tomorrow night,” she eyed Severus, waiting for a reaction. He thought he was going to be sick. Never trust a woman.
“He recited you half a poem, half goddamn poem and you’re in love?” He felt a bit feverish. Like when he lay sleepless in bed, twisted in mass of sweaty sheets. His pulse hammered in his ears.
“He loves me, I don’t care about the poem.”
Severus jerked the collar of his shirt and looked at the stone floor. They were in the great hall, and pale moonbeams flittered through the stained glass windows.
“Does he? Does he really?” he fixed his eyes on her darkly, voice rising and sounding strained, he continued: “What is so wonderful about James Potter? Why is he such a saint? How do you know he loves you so bad? Is he THAT special? IS HE SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE? IS HE!?”
Lily put to head to one side, and stepped away from him, her face slightly flushed. “Goodnight,” she replied coolly, and began walking away, as if on water.
“LILY! NO –WAIT! I’M SORRY!” He tried to follow, but the ground lurched dizzily under his feet. He was going to be sick.
He grabbed onto a chair and sat down. In the silence of the immense room he yanked at his shirt again. A stifling, despairing sort of hate began to fill him like slow poison. He thought it was love.
Severus fell asleep at the table; he woke up the next morning sore, and unable to think about anything other than killing James, and putting Lilly through has much pain as possible.
Hang the saint upside down for hours, hit him over the head with his quidditch broom, and then, finally, blow his swollen head off with a combustion spell. A martyr for the Happy Shiny people. Marvelous. There would be a big mess; so Severus would need gloves.
Maybe he would even tape the thing on a cassette, and play it back to Lily. She’d be tied up and start to cry. He’d move towards her: Oddly, he knew he still wanted her. Though, not in quite the same way. His desire had increased, and darkened; he wanted violence, and pain, and to make her go jolt! Jolt! Jolt! Fuck her, make her nauseated, make her scream, make her want to die…
And die… Die for me; leave me… I can’t stand this fire you’ve set on me: Take it away, take it away…Oh Darling, from head to toe, Darling, I’m burning for you.
Severus rolled off his chair and fell helplessly to the floor of professor McGonagall’s classroom. He was in transfiguration? How’d he get there?
A sheen of sweat had broken out his forehead and he was breathing heavily. “Sick, professor, feel so sick,” he groaned. McGonagall asked him something, to which he could not reply. Someone pulled him to his feet.
“Take him to the medical wing, Malfoy,” he heard McGonagall say. Still gasping for breath, Severus found himself being led out of the classroom by Lucius.
The door clicked shut behind them. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Evans, would it?” asked Lucius. Severus nodded, rubbing his chest.
“How did you know?”
Lucius stared blankly. “The whole school knows, Severus. Potter is rather well liked, so’s Evans…honestly man,” he shook his head at Severus. “You seemed out of it this morning, but god…”
“I hate them. I hate them,” Severus ran a hand through his hair. He stared at the lines in his open palm, agitated. Gently he squeezed the hand into a fist.
Lucius watched him cautiously. “Aw, look, it’s not a big deal. Girls are all idiots; get another one. You shouldn’t care about them too much, they’re not worth it.”
“I want to kill James.”
“What? Did you just hear what I said? It is not worth loosing your head over some tiny little heart break.”
Severus glared at Lucius. “Heart broken? The man thinks I’m heart broken…” He murmured to himself. “I AM NOT HEART BROKEN!” he snapped, the looks exchanged between Lily and James in class, running like electricity through his mind.
“Give it some time, Snape. Think about it! You’ll regret your actions!” called Lucius, his mouth smirking slightly.
“You watch your mouth, and I’ll watch your potion until tomorrow,” growled Severus, his voice already faint from down the hallway. And then an idea hit him.
It sparked in his
mind like a flame, making his soul shiver hotly, fearful of being
scorched. The polyjuice
potion…and James going to surprise her… Severus couldn’t have planned it more perfectly, and it had been
right there, in front of his face the whole time.
* * * *
“Potter, walk with me?”
James looked away from the library shelf in surprise. “Snape, hey…alright.”
They left in silence. “So…what did you want to talk to me about?” asked James, a little shocked by his company.
“Lily. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?” said Severus, incapable of keeping the bite from his voice.
James looked at him and almost smiled. “Yeah, I know…every morning I wake up thinking about her.” He hesitated, and plunged on, “I heard that you, you wanted to have something with her too?”
Severus nodded very slightly.
“I was just going to meet her tonight, by that tree, you know, on the lake? I saw this, and I knew she’d like it,” James pulled out a leather box and opened it, showing Severus a black choker with a silver sakura flower fastened to it’s center.
Severus said nothing.
“Well, I love her,” continued James. “Cheesy as it sounds, it’s not really so romantic a thing though…not like in the books or movies, you see.” He became more thoughtful as he spoke, “ I want to marry her some day—I know, I’m still young, but I want to share my life with her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“What?” James’s expression changed.
“I said, I’m sorry to hear that,” repeated Severus with the same abruptness, pointing his wand at James.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” questioned James.
A storm of confusion filled Severus. What the hell was he doing? What was he getting himself into?
“Stupefy!” his voice sounded far off, like a recording; James, who’d started for his own wand fell to the floor in a heap. Severus picked him, draped a limp arm over his shoulder, and threw James—not quite roughly to the floor of an empty classroom. He took off James’s glasses and found the box containing the choker. He pulled out a hair as well.
Severus then put a locking charm on the door and hurried off to the potions room, where he found his cauldron smoldering along with thirty others. They would be due the next day.
He took a deep breath and ladled himself a dose. He had one hour. The potion hissed and turned a dark red as Severus dropped the hair in.
His heart began to race and wave of nausea passed over Severus; it just looked so much like blood. Screwing up his face, he downed the whole thing in one gulp. It tasted awful.
Instantly, a sharp pain shot up through his middle, Severus stumbled and fell weakly against a wall, his entire body searing as if it was on fire. He moaned, terrified he’d done something wrong. With a start, he noticed his fingers, and the rest of his skin; watched with detached horror as it bubbled and congealed like boiling soup. He was going to scream –don’t scream! Severus sank to the floor, gagging and holding his melting body; simply praying it would stop burning and burning…
AAAAAAhhhhhh…
And then it did. He was about an inch shorter, and his skin was much pinker. There were calluses on his fingers, from quidditch, and the whole room was out of focus. He found the glasses he had taken from James, and put them on.
Shakily, Severus pulled himself off the ground, and checked his watch; he had an hour. An hour to be James: an hour free of teasing, to be a good boy, to better looking, and of course, an hour to have Lily. He had to laugh, just had to. HAH! The whole thing was funny.
Five minutes later, he crossed the grounds outside Hogwarts and saw Lily, sitting with her back against a birch tree. The sun was nearly set, and the forbidden forest was silhouetted purple and black against a flame-red sky.
He moved up behind her silently, and covered her eyes with his hands. Lily screamed, and Severus felt a shiver run through her. “Boo.” He heard James say. Lily relaxed.
“Hey stranger, you surprised me,” she laughed, her face soft and silky on the inside of his hands.
“I’ve got something for you.”
“Ooh! What is it? What is it?” cried Lily, holding out her hands in mock greed.
Severus placed the leather box into her expecting grasp and took his arm away. Lily opened the box with a snap, and stared at the choker. “It’s gorgeous…oh James, thank-you, thank you,” she said, looking up at him with an expression so warm, Severus smiled, despite the James part. Lily took her present out of the box and put it on, centering the flower with a deft pull.
Very suddenly, he felt her mouth on his. He was almost eighteen years old, and he’d never been kissed. Never, not once. He thought he was going to melt. No, not like with the polyjuice potion, but slowly, and smoothly. He could feel her warmth in the increasing cold of the evening, her breasts against what was almost his chest, and taste peppermint in her mouth. He was dizzy.
I
was on fire.
And then it was James and Lily together, and him wanting in desperately. Dragged away and alone again, his mind surged back through all the many dark nights he’d spent sleepless at Hogwarts, made almost physically ill from homesickness. A young boy, refusing to cry, refusing to need friends, refusing to care. Aching for comfort.
Burning
in silence.
And now, as he looked at this lithe creature pressed into him through an enemy’s eyes, he realized he’d never been in love. Never. He hated her, with all his heart and soul.
Weak
soul. Dead soul. Soul of ashes…you and your kin
did this to me, woman.
Severus reached around her neck, and tore off the choker. Lily pulled back immediately and stared at him. “What the matter with you?” she demanded.
Severus did not reply, but moved to kiss her again. She stuck out an arm to stop him, “answer me.”
I’ll
see you in Hell. See you in Hell
with my broken soul and your broken fingers.
Again, he did not. But this time he grabbed her delicate shoulders and slammed her into the ground. Without a word, he moved onto her. Lily’s eyes widened, “oh don’t do this, James. I love you, don’t do this, I’m not ready…” every muscle in her body tensed.
“I’ve wanted this so badly, and trust me, love has nothing to do with it,” he whispered breathlessly, unbuttoning her shirt.
Lily opened her mouth to scream, but Severus stifled it with a hand. His heart was pounding so hard it hurt. Thump-thump-thump. He didn’t want to do this. He was scared. You idiot! He was going to regret this later.
Hoping,
maybe to burn for this later.
Strangely, Lily relaxed under him. He took his hand away from her mouth, hoping against common sense she wouldn’t scream again. “James, I’ll do this thing for you. It will be the last thing we ever do together, but I’ll do it…because you want it so, and I love you, James…”
Severus pulled away from her like lightening. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s okay, James.”
“Stop that.” He stood up and began backing away towards the school.
“But James--”
“Ughh!” An odd sensation began prickling all over his body. His hour was up. He’d ruined everything.
“James?!”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOU BITCH!” He ran faster than he ever had, and ever would in his entire life, at that moment. He pulled off the glasses he’d stolen, no longer needing them anymore. He wanted to scream, to vomit, he wanted to be hit hard and loose consciousness. He couldn’t believe what he’d almost done.
Severus
lurched through the doors of Hogwarts, and found himself standing face to face
with Sirius Black, and James Potter.
Weak
soul. Sick soul. Blackened soul. Can’st thou be saved, my Soul?
-Finis-
* * * *
Note: NO! Can’t be saved…lol. Well, now I don’t know if it’s better or worse, but at least I don’t have to lean on a Nine Inch Nail song for support ;0) I suppose I’ll just have to keeping working on this one to get it right ^^;