CFL 1999 COMMISSIONER RULINGS
10/29/99
Esteemed Owners:
As you are probably aware of by now, the Duck Killers have finally requested criminal points for "Taco Man" Mims of the Chargers. The taco nabbing, parking lot peeing Mims was charged this week with (4) misdemeanors worth 80 points. The Duck Killers are hereby awarded the points for Week #8.
THE COMMISSIONER
Date: 10/19/99
Honorable Owners:
This is the official response to the Ott's Elite Appeal, and Brief in Support of. As everyone is probably aware of by now, Ms. Ott interprets the CFL rule governing transaction fees to read that a trade between (2) two teams should be considered as one transaction, and therefore have the same total fee ($2.00) as a transaction involving the dropping of an undesirable player and the acquisition of an available player by (1) one team. At this juncture, the Commissioner does agree that the language of the CFL rule is somewhat ambiguous, and is therefore open to individual interpretation. Let me assure you that this was not intended.
However, there is a crucial point to be considered. That point is the precedent regarding transaction fees which has been set over the course of the life of the CFL. That precedent allows for the collection of a $2.00 fee from each team involved in a head to head trade. The logic for collecting the fee from each team is supported by the rule which reads that the transaction fee is $2.00 per transaction. In the case of a team dropping a player and picking up another, only one (1) team is involved, and the fee is $2.00 for the single transaction. In the case of a head to head trade between two (2) teams, obviously two (2) teams are involved, and technically both teams have to drop and pick up a player in order for the trade to be completed. Consequently, the $2.00 fee must be collected from each team involved in a trade.
The Commissioner’s tone in any ruling or correspondence should never be construed as biased toward any particular team or owner. It is only but one example of the tradition of autocratic rule afforded the Commissioner since the inception of this noble and infamous league. The previous ruling mentioned in the brief was made in a gesture of fairness to a team which had not previously operated under the particular rule involved. That fairness(and the infinite wisdom which accompanies it) has always been a hallmark of the Office of the Commissioner ("His Benevolence"), and will again be applied in this case.
Therefore, the Official Ruling is as follows: Because of the ambiguity of the rule pointed out by Ott’s Elite, and the fact that the Elites are a new expansion team, the Commissioner will accept the fee of $2.00 for this situation only! Subsequent fees will be the normal $2.00 for any transaction involving one (1) team, and $2.00 from each team in a transaction involving two (2) or more teams. This matter is hereby closed. This official ruling shall be construed as having clarified any and all ambiguity which existed in the rule (as presently worded) concerning transaction fees. Additionally, the Commissioner would like to thank Ott’s Elite for bringing the ambiguity to his attention. Now, I must return to my polo ponies.
THE COMMISSIONER
DATE: 9/23/99: Esteemed Owners, This ruling is in reponse to Mr. Troy's recent stated grievance against the Duck Killers. Even though Mr. Troy has pointed out a technical rule violation, the commissioner has taken into account that this is the Duck Killers first year operating in this league under the more stringent regulations regarding the paying of fees for transactions. The commissioner has no doubt that the Duck Killers are able to pay and will pay. Mr. Speikers has been notified individually. Therefore the ruling is that the Duck Killers will be given a chance to make the payment and become current. FYI; it is a little known but true fact that the CFL has enlisted the services of Mr. Kenneth Starr for his expertise in thwarting any subpoena attempts by anyone. Let me assure you that it would be easier to subpoena Boris Yeltsin's jockstrap than it would be to obtain records from the CFL through litigation.
THE COMMISSIONER
DATE: 9/17/99: Ms. Ronholt, owner of the Knights, has also submitted a request to the Commissioner for recognition of criminal points for Week #2. The request is as follows "the knights respectfully request criminal points based upon the knight's rookie, Cade Mckown, being charged with a misdemeanor. this charge stems from the UCLA/Parking Permit episode." It seems that Mr. McNown also had problems with walking all the way across the parking lot while he was a student at UCLA. No doubt it must have been due to all of those physics and molecular biology class text books he had to carry. The official ruling on is this the same as for the Twins Skippy situation: Because the "act" or "action" of being formally charged is current, the request for criminal points is granted, and the Knights are also awarded the 20 Bonus Criminal Points for CFL Week #2 for this despicable crime against humanity.
THE COMMISSIONER
DATE: 9/15/99: Mr. Dowd, owner of the Twins, has submitted a request to the Commissioner for recognition of criminal points for Week #2 regarding his player Skip Hicks. It seems that old Skip was charged with a misdemeanor this week by the L.A. City Attorney's office. The charge arose from his alleged illegal possession of a handicapped parking placard while he was a player at UCLA. Even though the alleged act that is the source of the charge occurred prior to Skippy playing in the NFL, the fact that there has been no prior court action (with respect to Mr. Hicks) concerning this alleged act was carefully considered by the Commissioner. Therefore, the official rulling is this: Because the "act" or "action" of being formally charged is current, the request for criminal points is granted, and the Twins are awarded the 20 Bonus Criminal Points for CFL Week #2.
THE COMMISSIONER
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