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Dragon Whats?
Say that again?
Having discovered that their land is under threat from a huge army, and that the army is being powered
by the demon lord Balar, one of the PC's utters Balar's name while explaining the situation to a powerful
NPC. The DM rolls and finds that Balar does not answer the summons. He then decides that since the PC's may
not have known such a possibility exists, so he lets the NPC tell them that uttering his name may summon him.
At which point, another member of the party says:
What, you mean saying Balar might summon him?
Rating: Doh - 10...Comedy - 6.4...Brains - 0...Pain - 0 for the act, 10 for the battle...
And behind Swirling Black Portal number 1...
The party is fighting their way through a very unpleasant dungeon, at the top of which they come face to face
with a half-dead mage. In the room with this mage is a swirling black portal, and a minor demon who attacks the
party. Having been hit once very hard by the demon, the fighter/thief in the group is down to 2 HP. So of course,
as any smart player would, he decides to retreat...straight into the swirling black portal, and into Hell.
Rating: Doh - 10...Comedy - 3...Brains - 0...Pain - 7
Mistress of Pain
A lady by the name of Beviere Cyrinice, a Paladin and leader of the party, has a rather nasty way of finishing off
opponents. She uses her war hammer to crush the groin of any male monster she is fighting. Pleasant...
Rating: Doh - 0...Comedy - 7...Brains - 5...Pain - 10 if your're a man...
A Shrubbery!
The party is trekking through a great battlefield as it approaches dark. In the party is, amongst others,
a Chaotic Neutral Druid. As it gets dark, several monster skeletons rise from the ground to attack the party.
In doing so, one of them uproots a fairly large bush. The party rushes to attack, all except for the druid,
who replants that poor, innocent bush.
Rating: Doh - 6.5...Comedy - 8 (unless you're one of the other party members)...Brains - 7.5...Pain - 0
All-time classic, part 1.
A party meets a very nasty, two-headed undead thing with a poisonous sword, amongst other things. The mage and
psionicist in the party hide behind the paladin and fighter/cleric, who dig in with gusto. The mage, who just happens
to be a wild mage, does one of the greatest wild magic combos known to man - Attempted Enhancement, followed by Reckless
Dweomer of a Magic Missile. Result - instant wild surge. One lightning bolt, coming up! Both the party's warriors get toasted,
and the undead thing takes half damage.
Rating: Doh - 10...Comedy - 0 (I didn't think it was funny, neither did my paladin)...Brains - 0...Pain - 6
All-time classic, part 2.
Not content with toasting the beef of the party, our wild mage is still determined to get in on the action. He removes from his
belt the magical dagger the party found earlier (a dagger of life stealing, though he didn't know it yet), and decided it
would be a very good idea to throw it at the bad guy. Into melee, no less. And to top things off, he rolls a 20. Critical hit indeed.
DM assigns equal chance to hit the 2 party members, double that for the bad guy (he's a big one). Seconds later, the paladin has a dagger
through his throat. 28 damage, anyone? But he's not done! the dagger magically reappears in his hand, and he throws it
again!
Rating: Doh - 10...Comedy - 0...Brains - 0...Pain - 10
Femenist Hobgoblins?
A different party is fighting 6 hobgoblins. The DM rolls a critical hit for one of them, and rolls percentiles on his homemade table.
The result? Hit in groin, death in d6 days. Ouch. Next round, same result. 36% chance of being neutered...
Rating: Doh - 0...Comedy - 10 (for the DM anyway)...Brains - 0...Pain - 100000
Everybody loves Head...
Many years ago (back when we all were still playing D & D), I ran a game where I pitted two groups
against each other.
Several members of Group One came up with the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. You
remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if
you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you'd get
new awesome powers? Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna.
Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even paying Bards to spread the word about this
artifact rumored to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head and place it under some
weak traps to help with the illusion. Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of their group
in on the secret plan (I suspect it was because they didn't want the Druid to get caught and tell the
enemy about this trap of theirs, or maybe because they didn't want him messing with things).
The Druid in group One heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it himself (I believe to
help prove himself to the party members...) Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it;
deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his "prize" off into the woods for examination. He
discovered that it did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and smiled gleefully.
I wasn't really worried since he was alone and I knew that there was no way he could CUT HIS
OWN HEAD OFF. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly summoned some carnivorous apes
and instructed them to use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course quickly replacing it
with the Head of Vecna...)
Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid and to check on the trap. They found the
headless body (and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their plan (besides laughing at
the character who had played the Druid)...The Head of Vecna still had BOTH eyes! They corrected
this mistake and reset their traps and the Head for it's real intended victims...
Group Two, by this time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it bore investigating
since, if true, they could use it to destroy Group One. After much trial and tribulation, they found the
resting place of The Head of Vecna! The were particularly impressed with the cunning traps
surrounding the site (one almost missed his save against the weakest poison known to man). They
recovered the Head and made off to a safe area.
Group Two actually CAME TO BLOWS (several rounds of fighting) against each other argueing
over WHO WOULD GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF! Several greedy players had to be hurt and
restrained before it was decided who would be the recipient of the great powers bestowed by the
Head... The magician was selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the player was
lifting The Head of Vecna to emplace it on it's new body, another argument broke out and they spent
several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they put the Head onto the character.
Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless body. All members of Group Two began yelling
and screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own, decided that they had let too much
time pass between cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head of Vecna onto the
body.
SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!... [killing another PC]
In closing, it should be said that I never even cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the
second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side was hurting)...
And Group Two blamed ME for all of that...
So let that be a warning to you - don't let your head get cut off unless you really know what you're
doing.
Rating: Doh - 10...Brains - 0...Comedy - 8...Pain - 3
Sent in by Todd Douglas.
Self-Praise is better than none...
Beginning the next adventure, our intrepid DM works feverishly to gain the attention of his party...
In your exploration of this ancient, lost civilization in the Forgotten Realms, a trio of titans have been awakened
from an ancient slumber by the party. The titans stumble around, reacquainting themselves with life and
humanity. The titans realize that to be awakened from their ancient sleep implies important reasoning, possibly of
world-shaping magnitude. Still gathering their bearings, the titans witness the majesty of the human paladin, elven
ranger, and dwarven cleric who awoke them, and ask simply, "Are you gods?"
The Players, each with their nose in a book, half-listening, half-spell memorizing and character updating, look up
simultaneously to the DM, and unanimously recite, "Yes. We are."
Rating: Doh - 8...Brains - 1...Comedy - 5...Pain - 9.5
Sent in by "The Grope"
Come on, you've seen worse, right? Your party has had a sensationally funny moment, or you kicked someone out of the group for getting the party killed? Let us know about it! We want the world to laugh at your stories! Email melginskeep@angelfire.com with your story. Names will be witheld on request, but what's to be ashamed of? :)
