[South Park]
Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th annual South Park Cow Days! As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble gentle cow.
[Cheers]
Mayor: And now the chairman of Cow Days, Jim Kerns!
Jimbo: This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all new Cow Memorial. Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the curtain!
They release the curtain to unveil a big brown cow statue with a clock in the middle
The clock tics and the cow statue moos
Crowd cheers
Mary: This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
Tom: Now Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.
Mary: You're right, I'm sorry honey. We just need to stay positive.
Mayor: Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games.

[Carnival]

Booth Man: Hey come over here kids, win fabulous prizes.
Kyle: Wow dude, check it out. We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Stan: Are those real Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle: Yeah they look like cheap ripoffs.
Booth Man: Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan: Really?
Booth Man: Yeah look, they're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.
Cartman: Wow!
Kyle: Dude that kicks ass!
Cartman: Oh god damn I gotta win those. How much to play?
Booth Man: Five dollars for 3 balls.
Cartman: Five dollars! Jesus Christ!
Booth Man: Dont worry kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewit's mouth.
Cartman: That's easy.
Booth Man: Ok we got a player!
Cartman: Guys check it out.
He throws a ball and misses
Cartman: Damn it.
Booth Man: OK son, you still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman: Take this Jennifer Love Hewit!
He throws another ball and misses
Kyle: You suck Cartman.
Cartman: I'd like to see you do better.
Kyle: Give me that.
Kyle throws the ball, it gets stuck in her mouth and then falls out
Kyle: Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Booth Man: It's gotta go through her mouth.
Kyle: But it....
Booth Man: Sorry kid, try again. Just 5 more dollars.
Kyle: Come on Cartman, give me some money.
Cartman: Hehehyeah!
Kyle: Lend me money fat boy!
Cartman: I only have 3 dollars left asshole!
Kyle: Damn it! Come on, I'll try to get more money from my mom.

[Out in the streets]
Jimbo: Ok everybody, it's time for the running of the cows.
Crowd cheers
Sheila: Kyle what are you doing here? This is very dangerous!
Kyle: I need 17 dollars so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila: Kyle get back into the carnival this instant, you can't be out on the streets.
Kyle: I will if you give me money.
Sheila: OK here!
She gives Kyle some money and the kids leave
Cartman: Sweet.
Jimbo: Ok everybody ok...settle down! I know you're all anxious to get to the running of the cows, but let me remind you, those brave sould who have decided to run against the cows do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that 3 people died in last year's running of the cows.
Crowd cheers
Jimbo: Enough said! Let's rock n roll!!
[Silence]
Jimbo: Everybody ready to run?
Everyone nods
Jimbo: Release the cows!
They open the cow gates, people run panicking, while the cows just stand there and eat grass
Jimbo: They're loose!
People run around, one person runs into a pole and dies, Ned runs into another pole, people are chaotic

[Near the Chamber of Farts Ride]
Kyle: Ok, we got 15 dollars between us. That means we got 9 balls to throw.
Cartman: I only need one dude, I only need one.
Loudspeaker: Come one come all. Get in line for the chamber of farts.
Stan: What's that?
Loudspeaker: Dare you enter the chamber of farts?
Cartman: How much is it?
Operator: Just 3 tickets boys.
Loudspeaker: Dare you enter the chamber of farts!
Kyle: Is it like a haunted house or something?
Operator: Sure, it's very scary!
Cartman: Let's see, each ticked is a dollar, so 3 tickets is like 2.25....
Kyle: Nope, we can't dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman: Aw come one you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle: You better be right dude.
Cartman: I'm right!
The kids gets into the car
Operator: Keep your hands in at all times.
Kyle: Ok.
The kids enter the ride

[Chamber of Farts]
Loudspeaker: So, the chamber of farts has another victim ay? Don't be afraid, there aren't any ghouls here. Only farts!
There are farts everywhere, butts with farts coming out of them, people figures standing around farting
Cartman: Ah god damn it!
Stan: What the hell was that?
Loudspeaker: Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!!!!
They approach a dummy girl that farts
The ride exits

[Outside]
Operator: Alright boys, ride's over.
Kyle: What? That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen.
Stan: Man what the hell kind of carnival company are you?
Cartman: I don't know what you guys are talkin about, that scared the crap out of me.
Kyle: That was a waste of money Cartman.
Line Operator: Hey if you guys wanna great ride, get in this line. It's only 7 tickets.
Kyle: We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewit's mouth game.
Cartman: Aw will you relax you pinkeye! We have plenty of money!
Kids don't move
Cartman: Come on you guys! It'll be sweet!

[Near the Cow Statue]
The cow clock strikes and it moos
A real cow approaches
Cow: Mooooo....
Two more cows approach

[Line Ride]
Kyle: This ride better be good.
Stan: Yeah this line is way too long.
Cartman: I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle: We better be, we've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan: Here we go.
Kyle: Finally!
Operator: Did you enjoy the ride?
Stan: What ride?
Kyle: Yeah?
Stan: This was the line ride. A real life simmulator of a long line.
Kyle: You gotta be kidding me.
Operator: That's five tickets thank you very much. Come see us again soon!
Stan: My ass we will!
They walk away
Kyle: Well Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the line ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan:Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Woman Operator:Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the line ride?
Cartman: How much?
Woman Operator: Just 3 dollars.
Cartman: Oh. That's that's pretty sweet.
Kyle: You dumbass Cartman!
Cartman: What. This is cool!
Kyle: No it's not cool!
Cartman: That's cool!

[Back at the Jennifer Love Hewit Game]
Booth Man: Can I help you boys?
Stan: We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Booth Man: Ok, 5 dollars for 3 balls.
Kyle: How much do we have left Cartman?
[Silence]
Kyle: How much do we have left Cartman?
Cartman: Uh.....3 dollars.
Kyle: What? You said we have plenty of money Cartman!
Cartman: Yeah but I didn't take it to account that I suck at math.
Kyle: You son of a bitch!!! AHHHH!!!!
Kyle jumps on Cartman, knocks him over and starts kicking his ass

[Cut to Commercial]

[Jennifer Love Hewit Game Booth]
Kyle: Well Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman: Well I'm sorry!
Kyle: Sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman: Hey, I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny: What, these?
He takes out a bunch of blue stamps
Stan: Sir, will you take food stamps for 3 balls?
Booth Man: Sure as long as they're good.
Kyle: Give em your food stamps Kenny.
Kenny: Uh uh.
Kyle: Come on dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny: I'm gonna die without fucking food stamps! I have nothing to eat without any food stamps!
Cartman: Damn it Kenny! Don't be such a food stamphog. Share with the rest of your friends.
He gives them the stamps and Kyle gets 3 balls
Kyle: Ok here we go.
He throws a ball but it doesn't go in
Kyle: Hey! That was right on target!
Booth Man: Sorry kid, try again
Kyle throws again and it doesn't go in
Kyle: That does it! Shenanigans! Shenanigans!!!
Booth Man: What are you doing?
Kyle: I'm declaring Shenanigans on you. This game is rigged.
Booth Man: Shenanigans?
Barbrady comes along
Barbrady: What's all the hoo-hah?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Barbrady: Why?
Kyle: This game is fixed. The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewit's mouth!
Barbrady: If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just. What do you have to say Carnival operator?
Booth Man: Look the kid was really close, he still has another ball left. Just try again son.
He gives Kyle the right size ball
Kyle throws it and makes it in
Booth Man: There you see we have a winnah!
Kyle: It worked!
Barbrady: Yes, man you can't just go declaring shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars get started!
Stan: Sorry Officer Buttbaby.
Barbrady: Barbrady!
Stan: Oh I'm sorry what did I say?
Barbrady: You said buttbaby.
Kids laugh
Cartman: Sweet.
Booth Man: Ok kids you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi toothpick.
Kyle: No dude, I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Booth Man: Oh no no no. You gotta win 7 times to earn those.
Kyle: What?
Booth Man: You win 7 Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You dirty son of a bitch! You never told us we had to win....
Booth Man: Step on up! Just 5 dollars to play!
Kyle: Damn it I have to have those dolls!
Stan: It's hopeless we're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle: Wait a minute, I got it. The bullriding contest. Cartman could ride a bull and try to win 5000 dollars. Think about it dude. 5000 dollars. That's 1000 set of balls, that's 3000 balls! We'd HAVE to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman: What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle grabs Cartman by the neck and threatens him
Kyle: Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides fatass! And either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Cartman: Ok.....I'll get on a bull.
Kyle: Alright, now come on you have to practice!
Stan: He really wants those dolls.
Cartman: I guess. Damn!

[Chamber of Farts]
Mary: That ride wasn't very good.
Tom: Now mary you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary: You're right, I'm sorry honey. I'll try and have a good time.

[Out in the field]
The cow statue moos twice
A bunch of real cows gather around it and moo twice also

[In a Building with a Fake Bull]
Stan: Alright, this mechanical bull is gonna help you practice for the real thing Cartman.
Cartman is sitting on it
Cartman: Hey this is sweet.
Kyle: You gotta try and stay on for 10 seconds ok Cartman?
Cartman: I'll try, 10 seconds is a long time.
Stan: We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go!
The mahcine starts moving and Cartman gets thrown off and hits a videogame machine
Cartman: Son...of..a...bitch.
Stan: How long was that.
Kyle: That wasn't quite 10 seconds.
Stan: Damn it. That wasn't 10 seconds Cartman, you have to do better than that.
Cartman: You guys...seriously...my back....
Kyle: Get back on fatass, you have to practice!
Cartman: Seriously..help...screw you guys...hate you guys....
Kyle: What'd you say Cartman?
Cartman: Hate you guys....
Kyle: I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman: ...hate you guys...

[Out in a Field]
A bunch of cows are mooing and moving the cow clock statue in the middle of a field

[Ranch]
Rancher: Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for ridin anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle: Well he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher: Well have fun boys.
Kyle: Ok Cartman, you ready?
Cartman: No...
Kyle: Open the gates!
Cartman is sitting on an old grey bull. The bull just walks slowly
Cartman: Hey hey, get down. This is my kind of bull ride.
Kyle: That bull sucks, he's not even bucking or anything.
Cartman: Ooh this is sweet.
Stan: What are you gonna do?
Kyle: Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan: Oh yeah that's a good idea!
Kyle throws a snowball and hits the bull's nuts
The bull goes wild and Cartman starts screaming
Kyle: That's better.
Stan: Hold on Cartman.
Cartman: Ahh! Seriuosly you guys! Seriuosly, stop this crazy thing! Motherf....
Cartman is thrown off the bull into the snow
Kyle: Get up Cartman, you're still not staying on long enough.
Cartman doesn't move
Stan: Come on Cartman.
Kenny: Oh my god! They killed Cartman!
Stan: No we didn't kill him! He's still breathing.
Kyle: Get up!
No movement from Cartman
Kyle: Get up!!
Cartman: ....seriously...
Stan: You ok dude?
Cartman is seeing blurry visions
Stan: [In Cartman's vision] Ca..cartman...hell..loo....
Kyle: Dude, I think we broke him.

[Hells Pass Hospital]
Doctor: Boys I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan: What's the matter with him?
Doctor: Apparently he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Stan: Ooh. But can he still ride a bull?
Doctor: What?
Kyle: We need him to win the bullriding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Doctor: No boys, you need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
Kyle: Damn it!

[Cartman's Hospital Room]
Kyle: Cartman, Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman: Shirley bonsier!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Oh yong shantar yo mother.
Stan: Oh he's fine dude.
Kyle: You think?
Cartman says something in Vietnamese
Stan: Yeah dude, let's get his ass to the rodeo.

[Podium of South Park]
Jimbo: Alright damn it! We are not going to stand for this. Now whoever stole our Golden Cow Memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!
[Silence]
Jimbo: Allright. Ok, whoever took the sacred cow just please return it and there'll be no questions asked. Wait a minute, you folks from outta town. You're the only ones with the reason to take our beloved cow memorial.
Mary: Where are we going to put a 60 foot tall statue of a cow?
Barbrady: I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.
Mary: Oh my god!
Tom and Mary are arrested

[Carnival]
Stan: How's he doing?
Kyle: He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman stands around screaming something
Stan: You think he can ride the bull?
Kyle: Yeah I think so.
Stan: Cool!
Cartman: Hora...hora plee sojuboy!
A man walks by
Man: Huh?
Cartman: Hora...sojuboy...me so horny. Me love you long time.
Man: No way kid! You're grossing me out!
Cartman: Huro saki saki!!
Man: Beat it kid! Come on honey.
Announcer: Come one, come all. Chamber of Farts has been fixed and reopened!
A huge crowd of people runs towards it
Stan: Geezes dude.
Kyle: Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan: Oh hell.
Kenny: I don't know where he is.
Stan: Kenny you go find Cartman, we have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny: Ok.

[South Park Jail]
Tom and Mary are behind bars
Tom: It's so cold here.
Mary: Where is that Sherriff? We need water!
Tom: Oh well let's try to make the best of it Mary.
Mary: You're right, we're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom: Yeah and at least we've got our health.
A rat runs by

[Out in a field]
Cowboy: I tell you Mitchell, I ain't ever seen nothing like it.
Mitchell: Where are they again?
Cowboy: Just right up over this ridge.
A shot of a huge field with a million cows and in the middle is the Cow Clock Memorial Thing
Cowboy: That's what they've been doing all morning. Sittin there and mooing. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell: Well I ain't never seen this before it neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin together it can't be good. They might start forming a cult!
Cowboy: Hmm..cow cult.

[Cut to Commercial]

[Bullriding Rodeo]
Announcer: Welcome to the Annual Bull Riding Rodeo! Once again the Bull Riding event, grand prize 5000 dollars!
Stan: Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?
Kenny: I dunno! I couldn't find him!
Kyle: He's up in like 20 minutes!
Kenny: Ok ok!
Cartman approaches dressed in a slutty girl outfit
Cartman: Hora hora!!!
Stan: There he is!
Cartman: Suki suki! Five dolla!

[Jail]
Tom and Mary are still sitting there

[Field]
Cowboy: Here they are just like we told you.
Jimbo: Ok that's enough of that. You cows need to disperse!
Cows just stare at him
Jimbo: Alright? Bad cows! You hear me? BAD COWS!!! Alright Ned, you're gonna have to bust out the whip.
Ned whips one of the cows
Ned: Hya. Get along little doggies.
Cows get pissed and attack and stomp on Ned
Ned: Bad cows...stay..
Cows trample him down
Ned: Ahhh!!!!
Jimbo: Holy smokes! Play dead Ned!
Mitchel: I reckon we should get some help.
Cowboy: I reckon.

[Bullriding Event]
Kyle: Don't be nervous Cartman, this is gonna be cake.
Stan: Yeah, then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours.
Cartman: Suki suki aight?
Announcer: Opers number 24, Jack McMack!
[Cheering]
Announcer: 3,2,1!
Jack rides out on the bull and finallygets thrown off and lands on the bull's horns and dies
Announcer: Ooh. That's gonna cost him a point deduction. Up next #14, Ming Li!
Cartman: 8 Dolla, 8dolla! You give me 8 dolla socia boy!
Announcer: Here we go!
Stan: Dude I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle: What do you mean?
Stan: I'm starting to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer: Let her go!
Cartman rides the bull and stays on for a long time
Kyle: Hang on Cartman!
Announcer: Whoa, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull! I guess she's had a lot of practice if you know what I mean.
Cartman: Ahhh! Ten dolla!
Announcer: She's setting a new world record!
Crowd: Ming Li Ming Li! Ming Li!
Cartman is finally thrown off
Stan: Dude that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle: Go help him Kenny!
Kenny: Uh uh! I know what's gonna happen alright!
Suddenly the bull bursts through the fence, and kills Kenny with its horns
Stan: Oh my god they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Announcer: And this brave little whore from the East, has really put on a show for us today! The winner of the bullriding contest, Ming Li!
Cartman: Ooh suki suki? Only ten dolla.
Stan: We did it dude, we did it!

[Field]
Cows are still gathered around
FBI: Freeze cows! The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!
Jimbo: Ya hear that cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
FBI: You will now all march in an ordely fashion, into this trailer! Now Move!!!
All of a sudden, a black cow gets out of the crowd, goes to the edge of the cliff
Jimbo: Hey where is she going? That's the wrong way you stupid cow!
FBI: Oh dear Jesus no!
The cow jumps off the cliff
Jimbo: NOOOOO!!!!!
The rest of the cows follow
Jimbo: They're killing themselves! Stop please! Can't we do anything??? Oh god the humanity Ned! The humanity!
FBI: This is the first cow mass suicide I've seen in....at least 8 months.

[Carnival, Jennifer Love Hewit booth]
Booth Man: Oh you boys are back again huh?
Stan: Yeah, and we have 5000 dollars this time.
Kyle: How many balls does that get us?
Cartman mumbles something
Booth Man: Uh uh I'll tell you what boys. I'm gonna be really nice and just trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You will?
Stan: Wow why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?
Kyle: We did it! You see Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman: Ten dolla? Suki suki?
Kyle: What should we do with them?
Stan: We should....
Kyle: What the....
Stan: Dude these dolls are cheap ripoffs!
Kyle: After all that? Shenanigans! Shenanigans!!!! SHENANIGANS!!!!!!
Barbrady: What's all this?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous shenanigans! This whole carnival is a ripoff!!
All of a sudden more people gather
Mr.Garrison: You know,uh excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid. Chamber of farts isn't scary at all.
Priest: Yeah and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts Operator: Hey it's just a stupid rodeo, what do you expect?
Barbrady: Ok ok, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare shenanigans on the carnival people?
South Park People: YEAH!!!!!!!!
Barbrady: Ok carnival people. Do you accept this decree of shenanigans?
Carnival Woman: What the hell are you talkin about? This whole town is screwy.
Barbrady: Well that settles it. Everybody grab a broom! It's Shenanigans!!!
A huge crowd fight begins and brooms are seen everywhere

[In another side of town]
Mayor: You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo: Yeah.
Mayor: And the cows? Are they all back too?
Jimbo: They're dead mayor! They're all dead!
Mayor: What?!?
Jimbo: Oh it was awful! Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh god!!!
Mayor: Well perhaps one day cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo: I hope so mayor, I hope so. God, I need a cold beer and a burger.
Yelling is heard
Jimbo: What's all the ruckus over there?
Mayor: Sounds like somebody declared shenanigans.
Jimbo: Oh hell I have to run home and get my broom!

[Cut to Commercial]

[South Park Jail]
Barbrady: Ok carnival people, in the jail with....ooh?
He sees the corpses of Tom and Mary being eaten by rats
Jimbo: Hey, aren't those the people we thought took the wooden cow?
Barbrady: Yeah....
Mayor: Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo: Well I forgot all about them.
Barbrady: Uh me too.
Mayor: Oh my god....officer Barbrady, uh you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Barbrady: I didn't?
Mayor: No! No, in fact they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Barbrady: Ooh. Gee I feel a lot better then. Although I could've sworn that I have heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.

[Bus Stop]
Stan and Kyle are sitting in a pile of Terrance and Phillip Dolls
Stan: [Pretending to be Phillip] Say Terrance, let's look for treasure.
Kyle: [Terrance Voice] Oh good idea Phillip, lets look for treasure!
Cartman approaches
Cartman: What are you guys doing?
Stan: Oh hey Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman: Oh pretty good except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was a poor vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big scary bull. And then Leonardo DeCarprio gave me a spankin for several hours. Heey, how did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan: Oh..nowhere.
Kyle and Stan laugh
Cartman: Wait a minute! You guys DID make me ride that bull!
Kyle: No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
Suddenly a black limmo stops near Cartman
Leonardo Decaprio: Bye Ming Li. Thanks again!
The limmo drives away
Stan and Kyle laugh
Cartman: Son of a bitch!

[End]

Transcribed by Maria Stolyar

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